Daddy Needs Me....what To Do..what To Do?

[mirella2001]

My daddys an alki, hes 45 yrs old....and he asked for my help but i have no idea what to do...i already made an appt for him at the doctors to see if its something physical cuz he said he has been feeling sick. I am one of his daughters, the oldest 23 yrs old..also a college student. Well my dad has a problem and he called me crying saying that he thinks hes losing us and that everythings going wrong and i am so glad he let me know..but i am really scared it might be something physical not just mental. i dont know what to do...and i luv my dad so much....my parents have been going through a divorce for a yr now...hes selling a house but always seems to be problems w/it...he is in debt and i wish i could help him but i have bills of my own..i want him to realize that everything will get resolved like it always does but hes so depressed that i think hes making himself sick to the point where he doesnt stop drinking..i dont live w/him so i cant be there w/him 24/7 but i wish i could...please help me cuz i need help w/this...i want my dad to be there for me and my brothers and sisters. thank you

[ladyregah]

I think just listening sometimes is a good thing and if he is agreeable maybe you could offer to attend a local AA meeting with him so that he doesnt feel like he is going it alone? Or at least tell him where one is... Sometimes when people reach out for help they need a hand to get there... You must be a great daughter to want to help him I remember growing up with a dad that drank alot... I always wished that he wanted to get help...

[Debbie]

Hi mirella and welcome to the forum.

It seems like your dad is realizing he has a problem. Him going to the doctor and starting to take care of himself is a very positive step for him. Hopefully with treatment for his depression and perhaps a form of something to help him not drink will lead him to the right path.

You need to care of yourself also. Please read the power posts at the top of the forum which you should find very help.

I hope things go well for your dad and please keep coming back.

Many hugs.
Debbie

[Hangin' In]

Mirella,

I can tell you are a sweet and caring daughter and I'm sorry you are having to deal with this kind of problem.

You are smart in getting your dad to the doctor to see if something other than problems resulting from drinking could be going on. Once you have that information you and your dad will know more of the direction to take.

You mentioned that your dad is depressed and that rang a bell with me. My daughter, the A in our life, suffered from an eating disorder and along with that came depression or at least that is what we THOUGHT was causing the depression. To make a long story short, our daughter did have an eating disorder but what we didn't know is that it was accompanied by a drinking/drugging problem and the depression was due greatly to her drinking/drugging. Now I'm no doctor, but I do know that drinking people do get depressed. And when the drinking gets better I've seen the depression get better.

I agree with Ladyregah. If your dad is willing, maybe you could go to an AA meeting with him. And then please find an Al Anon meeting for you. I know I was scared to go to Al Anon at first, but the support of that group has saved my life. Please look into their meetings. Don't be scared to go. Those people know how you are feeling and will love you.

And I realize you want to be there for your dad, but one thing you need to remember is that you can't control, cure or cause his alcohol problem. You have to take care of you or otherwise both you and your dad will be feeling badly.

Keep coming back and reading here. All the wisdom of the people here has helped me so much and I feel it can help you too. And keep us posted because we are all in this together and we care. And besides, I have a 23 year old daughter so the mama in me wants to support you as much as I can...

Love,

Hangin' In

[liddy]

Hi MIrella and a big welcome !
YOu sound like a very caring daughter, how lucky your dad is!
The advise for AA sounds good,if your Dad is ready and willing to
get help for his problem then that is wonderful.
Remember, you cant do it for him Mirella,if he's not ready there is nothing you can do except make yourself crazy !

take care of you
liddy

[EyesOpen]

mirella:

I aplaud your desire to be a loving and helpful daughter. It's good that you're trying to whatever you can to salvage your family relationships, in spite of the fact that your folks are divorcing.

But, I also hear the sounds of a grown man who is not accepting responsibility for his actions. In your post, I hear a man who is so despirate for someone to lean on, that he's resorting to using his 23 year old daughter as a crutch.

I know you love your Dad! But, your Dad doesn't sound like he's capable of loving you in a healthy way. At least, not right now.

Let him know that you will ALWAYS be his daughter, and that you'll ALWAYS love him.

But, he needs to build a NEW LIFE for himself, now that your parents are splitting. He has to be the one to make the first step and seeing a doctor. He has to make the first step towards cutting out the alcohol.

You're not responsible for fixing your Dad or your family.

[myles1]

Mirella you can't fix your Dad and you are not responsible for the mess he's gotten himself into.

Steer him towards an A.A meeting and get to Alanon for yourself.

Ngaire

[JT]

My first thought was...what is a father doing turning to his children for help? That is alot of pressure to put on you. You cannot fix this for him...he may be lonely and probably drinking when he called crying. I am sure it was heartbreaking.

Please don't get caught in your parents drama...I am sure their divorce in more than enough. Suggest AA and check out Alanon for yourself.

Hugs,
JT

[constant]

Hey Mirella, Tred lightly.....My parents divorced years ago, but my Dad begin drinking very heavy during the process. He also turned to my sister and myself to take care of him. He and my sister barely speak now, and I have had to tell him several times that I don't want to be around him when he is drinking.

For years I didn't realize that he was using me as a crutch, but finally I caught on and it has been very difficult. If your father is searching for help point him to AA and offer to go with him, but be careful about "taking care" of him. He is a grown man and made many choices to lead him where he is now.......on his own with no ones help.

I really feel for you! It is a hard place to be....suddenly the child is forced to play the role of adult. I stepped right in and filled my Moms shoes without even realizing.....I was manipulated into it without knowing it. Alcoholics have a way of guilting you into or being pitiful enough for you to "help" them.

Stay strong and keep posting,
Constant

[EmotionalMeg]

Hi Mirella,
Alcoholism is such a confusing thing to try to grasp... let alone trying to seperate it from the person we love so much.

The most important thing you can do at this point is to begin the process of your own recovery. As the child of an alcoholic, there are most likely many issues hidden away - ones that are so important to your growth as an adult. Get to an Alanon / ACOA meeting, and listen to the wisdom of experience... so many people have walked in your shoes and can be of such encouragement to you.

Whatever it is that your father needs help with, wouldn't it be great to be able to actually "help" without all the emotional fallout?

Take care of yourself... begin by putting YOU at the top of the list.

Meg

[mirella2001]

welll i can say that these past couple of days have been slowly passing by...me not knowing whats really goin on w/my dad but hopefully better....i have been calling him twice a day morning and night to see how he has been doin and hopefully i dont catch him drinking and so far i havent..i know its only been a week but thats better than nothing. well i got a call from my dad this morning and that he finally settled the problem he was having w/selling a property we owned ...sooo he sounded much better because he is getting out of debt and finally everything is going the way it was planned..i couldnt help but cry because i was so happy for him and that he didnt sound depressed anymore. thanks everyone for the advice even though sometimes we dont agree on the same things..i just have to be there for him because whether or not hes an alkoholic..hes never let me and my sisters see that side of him ...and he has been there for us ..i luv him and i am so happy everything is better now....Now i can deal w/other stuffff.......which is ME!....ok well thanks