my alcoholic fiance cheated on me.

[lyralee]

I've been dating an alcoholic on and off for the last seven years. We broke up about three times during the relationship, and each time was over alcohol. About two years ago, during one of our breaks, we bumped into each other on the street, and I was with my new boyfriend. He was very sad, and after that he drank a lot, and then finally hit rock bottom. He decided at that point to go to AA. He did the 90 days, and all twelve steps, and was really active in meetings (in all of four months). He seemed so happy during that time. However, at the same time he was doing all the AA stuff, he was trying to get me back even though I was with someone new. He did crazy acts of love (like climbing a mountain to leave me a message and donating all of his expensive clothes to charity), crying all the time, and he even bought me a ring!!.. I kept on trying to push him away, but he just wouldn't leave me alone.. Finally, he broke me down, and decided to give him another chance (that was about six months after bumping into him and one month into the AA program). Since then, we've been dating, and we just recently moved in together and got engaged. Little did i know that once he got me back, he started to fall off the wagon. He would drink on some nights and not come home, lying about his whereabouts, and always covering up. I knew something was up, but i always chose to believe him that he wasn't drinking, and that he just fell asleep at his friends place. Finally about two months ago, he started drinking more, and not coming home more often (mostly on weekends). I started smelling the booze on his breath. I tried to encourage him to go to AA, and I would go with him to show my support. He started to become distance and unemotional. And then this past weekend, he fabricated a huge lie that he was going to Seattle with his friends for the weekend. We had a long talk about his drinking and honesty. And he promised me he wouldn't drink, and that he would communicate throughout the entire day with me, just to let me know what he was up to. For some reason I can tell something was up from his last phone call during that day (around 10pm).. and I called the hotel he was supposedly staying at... he wasn't there.. i called all the hotels in seattle, and he wasn't in any of them.. i finally started calling hotels here, and sure enought he was staying in a hotel in our hometown with some other girl. Needless to say, I was devastated. He tried to tell me that his alcoholic mind took away all his inhibitions, and although, he knew is was wrong, he did it anyways. He tells me that he found comfort with being this girl b/c she validates his behaviour, and he doesn't have to feel ashamed. Although he tells me that they didn't have sex, the intent was there. Can you blame cheating and lying on alcohol?

I know I have to leave him, this relationship doesn't bring me any happiness. And even though he says he loves me, it doesn't seem as though he is ready to stop. I do have my moments where i think I should stick by him, but for what? All I'll be doing is rewarding bad behaviour, and in the end enabling his to continue drinking, lying, and cheating.

[lyralee]

Just to follow up on this story, i decided to kick him out (i actually packed all his stuff and left it on his car at the hotel he and the girl were staying at)... since then he hasn't even tried to contact me or apologize... he did write me an email explaining himself, and telling he that he loves me... i realize that alcoholics can get totally self-centered, especially when they are feeling guilty.

[prodigal]

Welcome, lyralee - I'm glad you found us! Please notice the stickies at the top of our forum. When you have a chance, look them over - lots of good information on the disease.

This is only my opinion based on my personal experience, having been married to not one but TWO A's: your fiance went into rehab, managed to complete all 12 steps in just four months (which sounds pretty doggone fast to me), and I'd place my bet on the fact that he did it to win you back. He wasn't serious about his sobriety. Why? Because he's using again and he's defensive about you interfereing with his addiction.

It's a sad thing that you have to face, but he wants it to work both ways; as in having his cake and eating it too. In other words, he keeps his addiction and you. Unfortunately, it doesn't work out most of the time. As someone who has been manipulated, abused, lied to, and witnessed the insanity of two alcoholics, I can tell you that the only way you will survive is without him. If he gets sober and works a strong program, consider taking him back. Some of the stuff he did to win you back sounds a bit extreme to me, and doesn't indicate he sought a healthy balance in gaining sobriety.

Yes, lying and manipulating (and cheating, if it occurs) is part and parcel of the disease of alcoholism.

Have you considered Al-Anon? Calling all the hotels in town to locate him is indicative of codie (codependent) behavior on your part. Please give Al-Anon a shot because all you can do is work on yourself. He alone has to make the decision to work on himself.

[liveweyerd]

I am glad you did the best thing for both of you!

[Wascally Wabbit]

I wonder where alcoholics get their definition of "love".
You're smart enought to realize that if you keep going, it will only get worse.

[MsGolightly]

the first time i was cheated on i blamed it on alcohol. since then, the intent has still been there with the same person, over and over. there's only so much i can believe and only so much i can blame on alcohol. responsibility has to start somewhere.

glad you're here!

[CBrown]

Lyralee, thank you so much for your posts. I am just going through the same thing as you ... the ABF who puts on a good show, then goes back to the ex-girlfriend and leaves me wondering what the hell happened. They lie and cheat without hesitation. It's demented. I know I don't want my XABF back, but the betrayal still hurts bad. Good luck to you and STAY STRONG!!

[Mr. Christian]

Please do not feel bad, you did the right thing.
I do believe all this has to do with ones character more then anything else.

Social inhibition is what keeps humans from becoming involved in potentially objectionable actions and/or expressions in a social setting. The significance of this inhibiting behaviour varies greatly from person to person, and may be closely linked to a person's confidence. Also, many recreational substances can significantly lower a person's inhibitions, notably alcohol. Alternatively, some substances may actually strengthen these inhibitions. As an example, abuse of stimulants may lead to anxiety and heighten inhibition. This is more common in drugs with dysphoric effects.


So with that thought does one want to stay with a person who truly feels that these actions are acceptable?

[wraybear]

Run! Run! Run!

(that was one of the very first posts I saw when I started coming here... someone said to someone else RUN RUN RUN.

I just felt the need to share it with you.

[Mr. Christian]

It might have been me that said that... RUN!

[LaTeeDa]

I used to get all confused because I was listening to the words that came out of his mouth, but the actions were telling me something entirely different. When I stopped listening to the words and only paying attention to the actions, my confusion ceased.

L

[MTBChick]

Originally Posted by LaTeeDa

I used to get all confused because I was listening to the words that came out of his mouth, but the actions were telling me something entirely different. When I stopped listening to the words and only paying attention to the actions, my confusion ceased.

L

LaTeeDa you nailed it spot on with your response!! I used to be the same way. Nowadays when I start getting confused and unsure I just stop look at all the actions I have in front of me if it matches the words things are cool if not buh bye not going to waste my time.

[CBrown]

"I used to get all confused because I was listening to the words that came out of his mouth, but the actions were telling me something entirely different. When I stopped listening to the words and only paying attention to the actions, my confusion ceased."

OHHHH, is this true. Until I found out the "whole story" from others, all I had was my XABF's rosy view of his life. OMG is it different than the truth! The truth is ugly, toxic, criminal. Remember, "The Truth Shall Set You Free!"

[hope-faith]

Lyralee, I'm so sorry for your situation. I'm glad you had the strength to do what was best for you!!

Originally Posted by prodigal

Calling all the hotels in town to locate him is indicative of codie (codependent) behavior on your part. Please give Al-Anon a shot because all you can do is work on yourself. He alone has to make the decision to work on himself.

Prodigal, this part I don't quite understand. If Lyralee didn't contact the hotels, she would never have discovered the truth. Without truth, you can't make the best decision for you -- not the A -- but the non-A. While I'm still learning about co-dependency, I have trouble seeing this as wrong. If Lyralee hadn't take these steps, she would have been duped that he was in Seattle with friends. But now she can use the facts to move ahead for what is best for her -- kicking him out. I would think that codie behavior would have been the opposite; letting him come back either due to believing his story or "that he has changed" and won't do it again.

But, like I said, I have a lot to learn, so I wanted to ask!!

[respektingme]

hope-faith, I was thinking the same thing. tough to balance there. If she continued to take a alanon approach of doing her own thing and not looking for clues that he was cheating, he could keep cheating. Who wants that?

[nan07]

I agree with the others, run like the chill autumn wind! Of course, he's going to blame anything other than himself for what happened. The truth is, big deal if alcohol lowered his inhibitions- did this woman he's shacking up with force him to drink? I think not. It was a conscious decision, made by him and him alone. You can just imagine what your life with him would be like if you actually married him and stuck around. Sounds like you're doing the right thing...take care.

[keepingmyjoy]

Run as fast as you can and don't look back.....!

[parentrecovers]

you have choices. blessings, k

[lyralee]

Thanks everyone for your support! I do know that the best thing for me is move on and never look back. He's been calling me and leaving messages, and it makes me sad to hear how much he's hurting... but like many of you have said, he made that choice to actively drink and deceive me, I couldn't stop him if I tried... as for my calling all the hotels, it actually wasn't as extreme as I made it sound.. he works for a certain big-chain hotel, so when I was making my calls, it only consisted of four hotels in seattle, and two here in my home town... there were other occasions in the past where I suspected bad behaviour, but each time he would tell me that i was being paranoid, and that i need to trust him... so i needed that proof that he was lying, so I can leave him knowing that I did try to make this work and I did try to support him, but that in the end, it was him that was destroying the relationship.

[respektingme]

It makes you sad to hear how much he's hurting. Do you think he's sad because you're hurting? Do you think he thought about how sad you'd be if you found out he was boinking someone else? Do you think he was wondering about your emotional wellbeing as he pulled up to the hotel and checked in? Is he sad now because you packed his stuff and piled it on his car (good move) or because he hurt you?

Do not listen to him right now. He's trying to manipulate you. He screwed up. You need to move on.

[hbb]

"so i needed that proof that he was lying, so I can leave him knowing that I did try to make this work and I did try to support him, but that in the end, it was him that was destroying the relationship."

I agree, you may have been led on for a while without knowing. Similar thing happened to me, mine didn't think he would get caught then denied anything happened with his ex. Oh please, i don't want to spend my life wondering what/who he's going to do next. As hard as it is, your DEFINATELY doing the right thing My thoughts are with you.

[Rella927]

Welcome Lyralee! Glad that you found us! SR is a great place with wonderful people and amazing stories and advice!

LaTeeDa hit it on the head as most times she does that! ACTIONS! This is very important thing to look for!

You did the right thing (it was a CHOICE) and a great one at that! He has choices too and they are his.

As the others stated I too would "Run"

Keep coming back and posting!

[denny57]

AH cheated on me the first year we were together. I kicked him to the curb so fast his head was spinning. Couple months later I took him back. I'd like to say it's the biggest mistake I ever made, but I'm sure I'll be making some of them in the future. But I am sorry I did it. Eighteen years later we're divorcing.

[Janitw]

Welcome Lyralee......I too can relate to the cheating end of the addiction....for me it was after 22 yrs of marriage and it did destroy our marriage .... I dont buy into the theory that alcohol made him cheat - I think that no matter what they still have a choice and when it came right down to it....they made BAD choices....and they know what they did and they knew what the turn out would eventually be. And they didnt care at all. They may be embarassed but thats about it.

[GiveLove]

Originally Posted by lyralee

Can you blame cheating and lying on alcohol?

It can be, but it may or may not be. It sounds like he was very egocentric and self-centered even when he was in sobriety. He had to have you, and tried every trick in the book to get you back...didn't really matter whether you were happy or not, HE had to have you.

Mine? He drove four hours in a blinding snowstorm to deliver me a six-pack of expensive beer, wrapped my mailbox in wrapping paper once, threw me a surprise birthday party (I'd never had one), left stuffed animals on my porch.

Sound familiar?

And mine was unfaithful a total of seven times, with seven different people, before I finally got him out of my mind and heart for good. It took me years to rebuild myself from the damage.

I'm glad you're doing what you need to do to protect yourself from a similar fate...

Hugs and strength to you -
GL