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08-13-2007, 08:57 AM
| #1 (permalink) |
| Fool To Do Your Dirty Work  Join Date: Feb 2007 Location: Greenflower Street
Posts: 359
| having a hard time....:(
Last week, I had to put my kitty, Fagen, to sleep - she was getting old and suffering from kidney failure, severe dehydration... I held her while she died...It was very sad...I actually called XAF when I left the vet, I just wanted to hear his voice and since it was during work hours, I had a chance to speak to sober him...his phone went right to voice mail, I left a message and have not heard a word from him....why am I suprised...and devasated.. I was so depressed Saturday, cried and cried all night....got it all out and felt better Sunday... I am off from work today and don't really have any motivation to do anything other than be here... I think about the upcoming weekend - my son will be with his dad (NOT my XAF) and I just don't want to be alone all weekend. I go out with my friends and do things that make me happy - and I DO have fun...but when I come home, I am ALONE.... I so miss my sober XAF....I just want to curl up with him - but I know I can't, that person is not inhabiting his body anymore... I find myself wanting to call up another X to come for the weekend just so I can have some affection and companionship but I know that is not the right thing to do. I totally get the taking care of ourselves thing and am getting quite good at it, BUT, we cannot give ourselves PHYSICAL affection - OK, maybe we can, to a degree but it is NOT the same.... I just want to be snuggled and held and loved by ANOTHER human being...preferably my sober XAF...only problem is, he is NOT sober and he is currently shacking up with a 55 yr old woman!!! GRRR!!! How do I get past this??? Has anyone else ever felt this way? |
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08-13-2007, 09:03 AM
| #2 (permalink) |
| full of hope  Join Date: Feb 2007 Location: Oklahoma
Posts: 1,169
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(((((((KG)))))))) First, I'm so sorry about your kitty. And, I know how you are feeling--needing some love and affection. I wish I had some great advice for you! I've just been forcing myself to stay busy but it's so hard! Thinking about you!! |
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08-13-2007, 09:09 AM
| #3 (permalink) |
| Member  Join Date: Feb 2005 Location: Texas
Posts: 784
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Hi there, Short answer, yes. Companionship and the touch of another person are great things. It is very difficult to go from having someone to not having anyone. It sucks because you know you can't be with that person anymore in the situation that many of us have been in. But that doesn't take away the very real need for compansionship and a partner. I'm the most single that I've been in a really long time (okay, okay, forget the part about the fact that I'm still technically married til 8/24). Prior to my stbX, I always had a boyfriend. It's hard to get used to for sure, but I've started to feel hopeful that I will find love again. I just really hope it's sooner than later! Best. 
__________________ Man cannot remake himself without suffering, for he is both the marble and the sculptor. ~Dr. Alexis Carrel There came a time when the risk to remain tight in the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom. ~Anaïs Nin |
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08-13-2007, 09:19 AM
| #5 (permalink) |
| Member Join Date: Jan 2005 Location: Ohio
Posts: 2,582
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I'm sorry about your cat. One of mine died last week....I found her in a quiet place on the side of our house that doesn't have much "traffic". I knew something was wrong with her, but she went outside and I didn't see her for a few days,then she "checked in" for a few minutes...last time I saw her alive (she probably died soon after that). I am glad I know she died close to home and at peace and that I know where she is. My daughter's boyfriend buried her for me. ( )I emailed my exAH that we found her and she was dead. (We had her for several years while he still lived with us). No response. My daughter and I went to his dad's with him the following day to get some things from the FIL's condo (sold it because is in nursing home) and my daughter said "Dad,Lucy died" (she and I LOVE our cats!) His answer; yes,I know. It disappointed me that he never even emailed me back,said something,etc.,but why do I expect that from him? That would be a mistake at this point in his life; I would just be setting myself up to take it personally and feel badly. It is what it is. About the loneliness........I feel that way,too. Thirty years as part of a "pair"; gonna take a bit more adjustment on my part. I try to "shift my thoughts" when I start to sink into that pit and the self-pity......take my camera out and take some pictures, read, come here,etc....just move around and get busy ;even put in a load of laundry. It was lonely when he was here drinking,too.....so I try to remember that reality. Sorry you are hurting; hope today is better. |
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08-13-2007, 09:21 AM
| #6 (permalink) |
| Member  Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 471
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"he is currently shacking up with a 55 yr old woman" LOL And this nearly 55 year old woman wishes she had someone to cuddle on the couch with too...but not an A or any other kind of addict! and not an X either because that would be sliding backwards. (((kglast)))) I am sorry to read about Fagen. Have you ever gone to the Rainbow Bridge website (http://www.petloss.com/poems/maingrp/rainbowb.htm) just to contemplate and remember your fur friend? Nearly two years ago I lost one of my beloved dogs in a tragic accident and Rainbow Bridge still helps me keep his memory alive. Set yourself some little projects (make a Fagen scrapbook!), de-clutter your house and plan a yard sale, book a massage for some physical attention, buy a couple of best-sellers or rent some funny DVDs. Could you take yourself away somewhere for the weekend and be the mysterious single lady everybody wonders about? I hear you, I hear you, I hear you!....but I also know I am much better off now than two weeks ago! ARL
__________________ "The only people that will be allowed in my life are the ones that will "enhance it". ICU at SR 2007 |
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08-13-2007, 09:25 AM
| #7 (permalink) | |
| Member Join Date: Jan 2005 Location: Ohio
Posts: 2,582
| Quote:
ARL...I kinda chuckled about the age thing,too....thinking WOW an "old girl like me" ?!! hope springs eternal....ha (I'm not ready for that quite yet, but you never know how I'll feel down the road.  )
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08-13-2007, 09:34 AM
| #8 (permalink) |
| Fool To Do Your Dirty Work Join Date: Feb 2007 Location: Greenflower Street
Posts: 359
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Please don't take offense to the age comment!!!!! It is just that he is 37 - she is almost 20 yrs older - it just hurts me, is all....to know he is with her....she must be as sick as he is to get involved with him....
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08-13-2007, 09:44 AM
| #9 (permalink) |
| Member Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 471
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Oh no offense taken at all,kglast. I remember when you mentioned on another thread that she was 55 and I thought how "desperate" she must be to settle for an A. She'll probably be posting here in time! Pick-a-name...ya never know what the future holds. For now I am quite content with my dog and only my dog curled up on my bed each night! She enhances my life! ARL
__________________ "The only people that will be allowed in my life are the ones that will "enhance it". ICU at SR 2007 |
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08-13-2007, 10:10 AM
| #10 (permalink) |
| Member Join Date: Jul 2007 Location: Canada
Posts: 157
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kglast. I know EXACTLY how you feel. I am currently going through this too. I want some one to cuddle and spoon with. I keep saying 'if i had a puppy, i would be so happy!" I have feelings of calling other Xs too (besides my XABF) but i know i cant do that. I see couples in public and i just get soooo sad/annoyed. yesterday i wished so bad to just have 2 arms wraped around me...giving me a hug. or just a 1 arm hug... lol any damn arms would do!!!! It is a hard and sad time when u feel like this. When you want human affection and contact. I wish I had amazing advice too..but my friend, we are in the same boat!.... i am just now learning how to cope with being alone. and being strong. I hope your feeling better sooner than later.... (((((((((hugs)))))))))) |
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08-13-2007, 10:26 AM
| #11 (permalink) |
| It is what it is Join Date: Jul 2007 Location: NJ
Posts: 202
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((())) kglast I know you must be so sad about your cat. I'm sorry. Have you thought about getting another, not to replace but to love and be loved? As for the XAF, the hugs and cuddle would just be a substitute until the next alcoholic battle. It's not real. It's just temporary. You will find that again but not with an addict or another A. And the Xs are Xs for a reason, right? Good call on not going backward. Make it through this lonely time and you will be stronger for it. And proud that you didn't make a bad decision in a weak moment. Yup I've felt that way. In a good head I've gotten through it and survived. If I start out in a bad head, I've made the call, and it ended with me in a bad head too. Only worse (not proud of myself). Take care of yourself. You'll get through this. First things first. Jenny |
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08-13-2007, 10:31 AM
| #12 (permalink) | |
| Member Join Date: Jan 2005 Location: Ohio
Posts: 2,582
| Quote:
No offense taken! I thought they sound like to desperate souls hooking up with anyone who would have them. I just laughed thinking about someone my age out trolling for young guys...ewwwwwwwwww. But I guess, I am not past my prime completely! haha Just that the last time I dated or went out with anyone else, I was a shapely, no-baggage,22yr old! Mentally, it is hard to go there as a 53y who was married almost 30yrs and has children who are dating and one is older than I was when we married! ha | |
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08-13-2007, 10:50 AM
| #13 (permalink) |
| Member  Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 792
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kg, i'm so sorry about your cat.  my family put to sleep our golden retriever in march. my ex, who i cried and cried to, and who knew how much i loved my dog, went to visit her "friend," who lived out of state. i was devastated, and it definitely made me look at her differently afterwards. another cat or a puppy might make you feel better. nothing could replace fagen, but you could make new memories with a new little critter.
__________________ "Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls; the most massive characters are seared with scars." - Kahlil Gibran |
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08-13-2007, 01:43 PM
| #14 (permalink) |
| Fool To Do Your Dirty Work Join Date: Feb 2007 Location: Greenflower Street
Posts: 359
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thanks everyone - i do still have 1 cat - Fagen's sister....she doesn't know what is going on - they have been together since birth... not sure how she would receive another animal at this point....very sad day for me...
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08-13-2007, 03:14 PM
| #15 (permalink) |
| Member  Join Date: Dec 2006 Location: oh
Posts: 756
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hi (((kglast))) - so sorry to hear about the loss of your cat i have a beloved cat and lost another one a year ago. prayers for your healing from this. it helped me to get away for the weekend for a mini vacation (just lucky we had one planned that weekend that we put her to sleep) and it really helped to just not be sitting around at home.we went around and around about getting another cat too because my cat Angel is 15 years old and is not the most receptive cat. we got a kitten - she took to Angel as her mother -very sweet-they are best friends -always together - even though at first the older was a little annoyed with all the "attention" she was getting from the baby, she loves the attention. it worked out for us. |
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08-13-2007, 03:36 PM
| #16 (permalink) |
| Member Join Date: Jul 2007 Location: Wales
Posts: 520
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Kglast xx So sorry for you, It is horrible when something like this happens, and you want love and cuddles from someone you love, and to me that would still be my xab. I had a hard weekend of missing my xab and just wanted to be in his arms, and hear him tell me that everything would be ok. Itl's soo soo hard. but at the end of the day it would cure the lonliness for a while, you know so well that the crazy dramas of your alcohlic would take over very quickly. One day at a time that's all we can do.xxx Mair |
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08-13-2007, 04:42 PM
| #17 (permalink) |
| Power is not having to respond  Join Date: Feb 2007 Location: Wabbit Hole
Posts: 1,849
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Kglast, I can only imagine how much it hurt to put the kitty down. We had to put our dog down a few years ago. It was incredibly painful. But, they are family members so it hurts that way. I know how you feel about being alone. I keep dreaming of the man who will love me, be responsible and drug and alcohol free. Are there any left? I can say that I would rather be alone than suffer in total misery with an alcoholic. I hope you feel better soon.
__________________ The first step to getting the things you want out of life is this: Decide what you want. Ben Stein |
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08-13-2007, 04:57 PM
| #18 (permalink) | |
| Member Join Date: Aug 2007 Location: brighton
Posts: 6
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08-13-2007, 05:17 PM
| #19 (permalink) |
| Inner Child Search and Rescue  Join Date: Sep 2006 Location: New England
Posts: 632
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I'm so sorry (((((kg))))) I totally get not having the support of companionship when you need it the most, at a time like this. Looking back, the most loyal friend I've ever had over the past 12 years has been my now geriatric puppy. hugs to you
__________________ "It is the inner child who feels panic or terror or rage or hopelessness or desperate loneliness, not the adult." - Robert Burns |
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08-13-2007, 10:05 PM
| #20 (permalink) |
| Wipe your paws elsewhere!  Join Date: Dec 2004 Location: Puppy Heaven
Posts: 3,315
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KG, I'm so sorry that you're hurting. I know how difficult it is to lose a companion animal. It's only natural to seek comfort at this time, but your ex isn't in any condition to provide the comfort that you seek. Perhaps you could volunteer your time and help the kitties at a local shelter for a few weeks in honor of Fagan and the love he brought to your life. And perhaps you might just fall for a new kitty along the way.
__________________ "Get busy living or get busy dying." --Shawshank Redemption "Do I want to live while I'm alive and embrace what sustains me or do I want to die while I'm alive and embrace what destroys me?--Geneen Roth "The bare minimum my partner needs to give me is 100%."--Wpgwoman |
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08-13-2007, 10:33 PM
| #21 (permalink) |
| Member  Join Date: Aug 2007 Location: Idaho
Posts: 124
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Yuck. What a terrible thing to have happen. My cat died in June of the exact same thing-unexpected kidney failure. To add to everything else that has been going on with me this summer with my AB. I'm so sorry. I'm at a loss for words to make you feel better, because i'm feeling the same way-depressed , can't stop crying, blablabla. But at least I empathize with you, and when i say i'm sorry, I truly am sorry. That is what is thebest about these posts, everyone "gets it". And i'm so thankful to everyone.
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08-14-2007, 07:30 PM
| #22 (permalink) |
| Member  Join Date: Jul 2007 Location: New Jersey
Posts: 178
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I'm sorry for the loss of your cat. It is heartbreaking. Early tomorrow morning my 18 year-old "Kitty" will be going to her last vet appointment. AH is gone on his drunk vacation with the boys till Friday affording me some quiet time, so, tonight I'm treating Kitty to a Fancy Feast all you can eat buffet, choice of all the flavors, complete with all she can handle cuddles and lap time. NO chores for me tonight, no dishes, no laundry, just time together before the final goodbye. It's going to be so hard coming home tomorrow after work.
__________________ . . . . . . . . . . . . . You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection. Buddha |
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08-14-2007, 08:41 PM
| #23 (permalink) | |
| Starting over  Join Date: Jul 2004 Location: Skin city
Posts: 2,485
| Quote:
Mike
__________________ Sunsets are not endings. If I have enough faith, they are beginnings. | |
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08-15-2007, 12:51 PM
| #24 (permalink) |
| Guess what, I'm not crazy.  |
Sorry about your kitty. I had to put one of my dogs down for the same thing a couple years ago. It was awfel. I cried for days. Sometimes I will think of him and still cry to this day. As for the cuddling thing...... I have my alcoholic husband at home who wants to cuddle but I am to the point I don't want to any more. Not with him. Not like this. I want to cuddle someone who is there mentely and who loves me for real. Well that just made me sad.
__________________ "I have always believed the glass was half full, its just sometimes I cant fined the glass.   |
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08-15-2007, 01:17 PM
| #25 (permalink) |
| σммυηιту gяєєтєя  Join Date: Aug 2004 Location: Spreading my wings
Posts: 7,125
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KGlast  So sorry for your loss! It is very hard to go through what you are right now...I was just there in June too http://RainbowsBridge.com/residents/...3/Resident.htm I found comfort in the rainbow bridge!(Heard Lady mention the site) I also was fortunate enough to still have the daughter. Spend alot of time with the sister-she knows what is going on.....take comfort with her too! I can totally understand your need to have comfort and someone to hug right now-totally understandable. I heard it suggested to volunteer at a shelter ....or even maybe find some activitys in your town-I also in the past felt that way when I was alone at one point and started taking fun classes! Cooking class, Floral design class...anything to keep me busy! And Al-Anon is always helpful for those need a hug moments!
__________________  Dance as though no one is watching youLove as though you have never been hurt before Live as though heaven is on earth.  |
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