how do i deal?

[denny57]

Originally Posted by cdk1972

He also told me when i was crying, that i feel sorry for myself and just cry to get attention from him. that i'm a big girl, and if i can't handle what he does or says to me, then it's my problem. I guess he's right,

No, he's not.

A great book is "Why Does He Do That" by Lundy Bancroft. I highly recommend it.

((()))

[cdk1972]

He's just so cold and unapologetic. And angry. and I know it shouldn't get to me, i know its his problem, but it does get to me. I guess its that control thing of mine, but i feel so guilty. What is this hold he has on me? Any normal person would never take this kind of treatment.

[kglast]

(((cdk))) hang in there - i have felt very low over the past few months too...read all of the books the wise people here recommend and focus on you - you will start to feel better - it is gradual, but it does happen...

[cdk1972]

Thank you so much. I'm trying, i really am. I've been reading like crazy, and do get a sense of empowerment-if only for a little while.I feel like such a trainwreck.i feel so used. and gypped. and so many other things. i don't know where to place my feelings. I am very low right now. In Cdepend no more it talks about detaching and letting go, and if you do your part, then your "higher power" will intervene and do theirs. I get the concept, but am still not sure how to truly detach. And i'm in an angry stage today, i've realized. I keep saying to myself, "F that. F this". which is not really like me. Then i break and become really low...and can't stop thinking about the things he said. it is magical how he would throw things in there to catch me/reel me in-"You are trying to make this all about you and how bad i'm making you feel bla bla bla" and then two seconds later, "don't give up on me, Kara". It was maddening. I seriously felt like i was going crazy! I still do!
(by the way....I love your picture-its comforting in a weird way...where did you get it?)

[kglast]

((CDK)) - i actually got the picture here - someone put it in one of my posts. it is animated - the stars twinkle....i felt the same way about it which is why i saved it...i think for me it symbolizes hope and the whole world of possibilities. i believe you can copy and save it if you like...

the detachment is tough and XAF's words still rattle around in my head more than i would like them to. i had to eventually go the no contact route, for ME. so i could focus on myself and my feelings without being influenced by his drunken rants or manipulations....i do know now that is what they are/were...but i still catch myself wondering if what he was saying is true...but it's not, it is just QUACKING...reminding myself of that has also helped. listening to music (not sappy stuff!!!) usually helped too....there are some good break up songs out there! there was a thread with all of those songs on it not too long ago - you might want to search for it...hope today finds you feeling a little better - feel free to PM me any time if you want to chat...(())

[cdk1972]

Just checking in with everyone and hoping you all are hanging in there. i am getting by day to day, as you all are.Still sad. Getting angry. Still missing what I thought was. Haven't heard anything, but know i will eventually from him, and I am practicing in my mind how to say NO. I just hope i have the strength to do it, and not be sucked in by him....God bless everyone!

[ARealLady]

I am practicing in my mind how to say NO. I just hope i have the strength to do it, and not be sucked in by him....

(((((CDK))))))))

You are not alone. I got sucked in this afternoon.....stupidly picked up the phone with no caller ID displayed on it and there he was. I stayed cool and detached and rang off pretty quickly with an excuse....then went for a walk.

Mental note to self......ALWAYS check caller ID!

ARL

[cdk1972]

How the Hell are you so strong? I dont' get it. i wish so much i could have that, or at least show it. i can't. i have constant anxiety, wondering what he's doing, what his parents must think, about all the plans we had, bla bla bla. it makes me feel as though i could fall apart at any moment. haven't heard from him in over a week...i know that's a good thing, but i know its coming and i'm scared scared scared.
i guess i still have trouble with detaching. sometimes i am good-and mad and hate him, and then other times.....can't handle it.

[steve11694]

Originally Posted by cdk1972

Yes, I do. And he doesn't go out , but his excuse is, as a cop, he sees and deals with so much that I could never, ever understand. Just give him that one bit of pleasure to get his mind off this. Just this ONE pleasure. and that makes me feel guilty. For so many reasons: One, that I alone can't take his mind off of it (granted, i know this isn't about me, but for some reason that still rings in my head). and two, why can't I help him? He's so depressed and sad and hurting, what can I do to help him? Again, i'm aware of how co-dependent that is, but i can't help feeling it all the same. His alcoholism is making ME feel crazy, guilty, hurt, unworthy, foolish and illogical. He works in the K9 unit, which deals 90% in drug/alcoholuse, so in his mind, since he is nowhere NEAR as bad as the alcoholics he comes into contact with, this is NOT A PROBLEM. "Some people smoke pot, some people eat a lot, some people work out...I have a few whiskies-so mind your business". What i don't get is, with how schooled he is in drug and alcohol training, doesn't he HEAR himself? He is text book, doesn't any of his behavior ring a bell?!?! He has a degree in criminal justice/drug and alcohol/social work. How is this POSSIBLE?!?!?!?!??!
Some quotes he said today on the phone:
I don't need you telling me this, everyone at work already thinks i have a problem, you all can mind your own business.
Every relationship i've had i've heard this same BS, i don't need it from you....

HELLO!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!??!!??! Listen to yourself!!
Am i going crazy? Am I missing somethign?!?!?

I personally have known an ADDICTIONOLOGIST, a medical doctor psychiatrist specialist in treating addiction/alcoholism that himself is in recovery. Anyone able to think clearly will ask how is this possible. IQ, education, money, or lack of means nothing.

[steve11694]

Originally Posted by cdk1972

He's just so cold and unapologetic. And angry. and I know it shouldn't get to me, i know its his problem, but it does get to me. I guess its that control thing of mine, but i feel so guilty. What is this hold he has on me? Any normal person would never take this kind of treatment.

Sadly his behavior is akin to that of a patient in a hospital mental ward. Alcohol for an alcoholic is a very toxic chemical that alters the mind. That is the alcohol talking and they are very protective of continuing to use it.

Non alcoholics can drink and they may get woozy, drunk, hungover, or tired, but not insane.

[cdk1972]

i just don't understand it, i guess. and i guess i am addicted to him just as much because i am willing to be with a person who treats me less than what i deserve. what is WRONG with me.what happened to me to make me BE this way? Jeezus. I feel like such a trainwreck.

[GiveLove]

CDK,

That's a great question to ask...what made me this way?

Funny thing is that I didn't start really UN-doing all of my codependent behaviors -- and I put up with much more than you, for a long time -- until I learned the answers. I did it through a really good counselor/therapist, but any way you can answer them will be helpful.

How did I get this way?
Was there anything about my family life that trained me to react this way?
Have I always been like this, or was there something in THIS relationship that triggered it suddenly?
Do I treat myself any better than HE treats me?
What's one small thing I could do.....tiny tiny tiny...that would start to prove to myself that I CAN be the kind of strong person I want to be?

Do not answer the phone if he calls. It's not strength, it's self-respect. Promise yourself you can call him back in one hour if you'll just let the call go to voicemail. It'll be a hard hour but you'll be teaching yourself something: you're worthy of respect and capable of being strong when you want to be.

Strength is something you grow one tiny step at a time. Think about one you can take...you deserve joy, not this madness he deals you.

Hugs,
GL

[Wascally Wabbit]

Look in the crystal ball and tell me where you're life and your sanity will be 5 years from now after living with an active alcoholic. Alcoholism is progressive. It gets worse and worse and worse...

Think about that for a while. You'll make the decision you want to make when you're ready to make it.

[cdk1972]

I know you are right. And I HAVE thought about those things. But somewhere in my messed up mind i think-well, it's better than what i'm going through now. Logically i know thats insane, but i'm SO DEPRESSED!

[kglast]

((((CDK)))) I felt just the same way in my first weeks of no contact....it does get better, i promise...just keep putting one foot in front of the other...it WILL get better....keep coming here and posting/reading and read everything you can get your hands on about alcoholism....whenever i start feeling nostalgic, i start reading Getting Them Sober again and remember how much I do not want to be the woman who needs this book to survive....I don't want to be the woman using all of these strategies....too much....

[cdk1972]

Tell me if this is normal: I am starting to feel guilty now. Like, I should never have told him that i thought his drinking is a problem, because that started off everything, and if i would've shut my mouth at least it'd still be okay for now. I know that's sounds crazy, but i'm so depressed. haven't heard from him for one week, and i constantly wonder what he's thinking, if he hates me, if he's angry at me, blablabla. I KNOW it shouldn't matter. I get it, but its not helping me feel any better. Why do i care so much what he thinks? I can't get over this depression i'm feeling. I hate it.

[hbb]

I know EXACTLY how you feel, as i feel guilty but you know why, it's because your heart is so quick to remember the good and not the bad that happened.

By you saying maybe the drinking wasn't so bad (as i debated with my exabf), your accepting unacceptable behavior and lowering your living standards. Mine was active for our first 3 months and it was AWFUL, I couldn't find him at times, passed out early, drove drunk, was a mean jerk that fought....and this was in the BEGINNING of our relationship.

As time goes by (7 weeks for me) i'm starting to let my guard down by saying things like "it wasn't that bad, maybe he didn't do anything wrong or with his ex, he's a good guy". I know how it is, but then i have to FORCE myself and say let go, he's not worth it, he has a major major drinking problem and is not willing to do the work. We deserve soooooooo much better than this.

I'm so sad today myself and depressed, heck i cried all morning but you know what, no one deserves to be treated badly by another person. DON'T feel guilty, as you didn't do anything wrong. Mr. C said on another post, guilt is for those that are guilty of something wrong. You did NOTHING wrong keep your chin up, PM me anytime, i'd love to talk take care.

[cdk1972]

I just want this to GO AWAY. I just want to be happy again and not have the thought of him overtake me every hour. I know that is in my control, but i don't know how to control it?!?!?