how do i deal?

[hbb]

JMHO...if you have to ask yourself "is it THAT bad", then it probably is. I know for me, i was so willing to settle and after being out on vacation Sat. night, i talked with a new guy for about 3 hours, nothing other than chit chat and you know what, for the FIRST time in 2 months i actually didnt think about my ex and it was nice to see that someone paid a little attention to me for the first time in a while. Yes i'm sad and probably still in denial but knowing that life will and does go on and you don't have to settle is something new for me i know EXACTLY how you are feeling and it is a process, you will be sad, mad, depressed and all that unfortunate stuff but you will come through shining on the other end and you DO deserve better and not have to settle

[ARealLady]

" "If you stop reacting, what is the worst that can happen?" Well, the worst that can happen is that I will once again be left alone and scared and depressed. I was so lonely and depressed before i met him. I know i can't rely on someone else to make me happy, but that lonely world scares the hell out of me."

CDK...if you go back up to the beginning of this thread and start reading some of your posts you were already feeling depressed within the relationship with your BF. The feelings you were experiencing caused you to "re-act" in order to protect yourself in the long term. You made a decision to change what you could change. You took control. And I don't see that as being "the worst" thing that could happen...quite the opposite!

You mention that you were "lonely and depressed" when you embarked on the relationship with your BF. Ever considered that you were your ABF's perfect target for a relationship? Co-dependents are attracted to needy people. And your A told you himself that none of his relationships work out. Has to be that each of the other women he has been involved with before you reached the same conclusions you did.

(((((CDK)))))), be good to yourself. Autumn is coming and new activities start up then. Think about new groups or classes you could try as a diversion. See this stage of your life as an opportunity to keep growing.

ARL

[cdk1972]

I was okay today. Maybe because I thought he'd call again, like he did yesterday. I felt powerful that I didn't pick up. Now today, he didn't call at all, and i can't stop crying again. I'm back to he hates me, i can't handle it. I am getting through my book, Codependent No More, and it's like a biography of myself. I'm reading it every spare second i can to keep my mind off things. But i am full of dread. I'm a teacher and i go back to school next week and i dread questions from everyone about how "we" are ...everyong was so excited for me that i finally found someone. I feel like i failed again. have to show everyone again what a failure i have become. I miss him and i want him to call. i don't want to answer, i just want him to call.

[ARealLady]

"i dread questions from everyone about how "we" are.... .I feel like i failed again. have to show everyone again what a failure i have become."

CDK? What stops you from telling your colleagues that YOU broke off the relationship because you discovered that your BF was an A? When people ask I tell them the truth. I take no blame for what is HIS problem....I have had friends sympathize but pat me on the back for recognizing that the relationship was going nowhere. Hold your head up high. You have done NO wrong!

ARL

[hbb]

CDK, i know how you feel about wanting for him to call. I think about that everyday of my life since this break up. I keep thinking he will call and say he screwed up but have to come to the realization that deep down inside i dont want him to really call because i'm too weak still and will probably be sucked right back into the drama and mess he calls life.....no contact is the best for yourself, let him wonder what you are doing easier said than done, TRUST ME, but one day you'll be glad because you will be one more day further along in your recovery and stronger.

[anvilhead]

wait a minute......the end of a relationship is just that, the end, it's not a FAILURE!!!! it was and now it's not. period. people who aren't addicted get in and out of relationships all the time....just cuz. wasn't meant to be.

start listening to the words you use to describe things....the way you say things......how it differs from flat out reality.....cuz reality says We Broke UP. period. end of statement. no need to insert reasons. we tend to blow stuff up in our minds, make it larger than life, embellish, glamourize and dramatize........lots of always's and nevers.........lots of attaching HUGE amounts of significance to single events....we broke up so now i can't face anybody cuz they will know what a failure i am.........WE are the only ones that can change that self talk.......and we're the only ones listening.........

[wishingstar3]

Dear CDK, I have read alot on this site but never replied. I don't have a whole lot to say but I just wan't you to know I was in an EXTREMELY similar situation as youjust a couple of months ago. And I all my sympathy goes out to you, it is such a difficult situation. For me, I believe it is the most difficult situation have and will ever go through. I thought in the end love would find it's way and he would put our love before the alcohol. But unfortunately he lost everything that was important to him (except the alcohol) and NEVER could admitt why. It was like he could not add 2+2. No matter how obvious the signs were he blamed anything and everything he could except the drinking. My heart goes out to you and anyone who is in a similar situation.
And to answer your question about if you should explain the reason for your leaving to him. Do it if you need to hear your self say it, but either he will take one of two paths (or both). He will either continue to deny all responsibility (which is so difficult for his partner) OR he will take responsibility, beleiving himself that he has "relized" his mistakes and what he needs to do to fix things. But I promise you, the second is Temporary. I wish it weren't, but it is. We always want to give love the benifit of the doubt, but in the case with alcoholism, it is just not so. It is sad, but it is true. And we just hope we learn from this, and learn the bottom line of the people we create relationships with. That they will choose us over anything that makes us hurt. And it is very posible.
Sorry, this was SO much longer than I meant it to be. I just really felt and related to everything you said in your messages. I wish you the best life....

[wishingstar3]

Dear CDK, I have read alot on this site but never replied. I don't have a whole lot to say but I just wan't you to know I was in an EXTREMELY similar situation as youjust a couple of months ago. And I all my sympathy goes out to you, it is such a difficult situation. For me, I believe it is the most difficult situation have and will ever go through. I thought in the end love would find it's way and he would put our love before the alcohol. But unfortunately he lost everything that was important to him (except the alcohol) and NEVER could admitt why. It was like he could not add 2+2. No matter how obvious the signs were he blamed anything and everything he could except the drinking. My heart goes out to you and anyone who is in a similar situation.
And to answer your question about if you should explain the reason for your leaving to him. Do it if you need to hear your self say it, but either he will take one of two paths (or both). He will either continue to deny all responsibility (which is so difficult for his partner) OR he will take responsibility, beleiving himself that he has "relized" his mistakes and what he needs to do to fix things. But I promise you, the second is Temporary. I wish it weren't, but it is. We always want to give love the benifit of the doubt, but in the case with alcoholism, it is just not so. It is sad, but it is true. And we just hope we learn from this, and learn the bottom line of the people we create relationships with. That they will choose us over anything that makes us hurt. And it is very posible.
Sorry, this was SO much longer than I meant it to be. I just really felt and related to everything you said in your messages. I wish you the best life....

[wishingstar3]

OOPS, I get really confused on this site and I accidently sent my message twice as well as replying to an old posting of yours CDK. I didn't see the new ones. So sorry for the possible confusion!

[cdk1972]

I appreciate your responses. I just got an e-mail from his daughter-who has no idea about the breakup i'm sure-she's only 8 and i lost it again. I am trying really hard to detach, i really am. But it's like someone turned on a faucet and my eyes will NOT stop leaking! I was at the grocery store and this lady said, "do you want to go first? i have more than you do" and i started bawling. I'm so, so sad. i know that this will pass. I just need it too soon. Because i don't know how much longer i can take this. Thank you to everyone.

[Lady BlueMiles]

I feel like i failed again. have to show everyone again what a failure i have become.

Remember that old fairytale about the Princess? If people start asking questions just say sometimes you have to kiss alot of frogs before you meet your handsome prince.

Sounds like this frog said "Ribbit." Moral of the story is keep trying. You'll find true love in time. Believe it, because your capable of loving and deserving to be loved.

[loverof1]

I agree with everything that has been said, but I know where you are. Im married to the love of my life. I struggle every single day with his anger. I havent gotten enough strength to let him go for good. I struggle with the fact that I will be in financial ruins because he will leave me and our kids high and dry. The only thing he can think about is what he is going through...to hell with everyone else.

I do find that screaming every profanity I know into my pillow seems to help reduce the rage that I feel toward him and what he has done.

He is probably lucky I dont keep the bat in the house anymore...because there have been times that I have thought about how good it would feel to beat him over the head with it.

I know...Im not a nice person. lol. I really truly cannot wait for the day that I know what the right thing to do is.

[mystic54]

I know i know i know it's the alcholic talking/treating me this way, but how do i get over it? I recognize it, how do I quit being a complete uncontrollable bawling freak today? I'm devastated. I'm hurt.

I too am a uncontrollable bawling freak today. My A is sleeping off a drunk last night as he does each morning. We don't sleep together, when he does comes to bed, he falls into it fully clothed. The relationship has almost fallen completely apart. I have talked to him about his problem with drinking, and it works for a day and that night he's once again, walking up the street to the bar to get more beer. I'm devastated, I'm hurting, and I'm seeing the true man in there snoring. All of the talk of going camping, him building a fire for me, what a good life we could have, all of the excitement that he would bring into my life, was all just talk and perhaps his own wishes as well as my hope that things would actually turn out the way he had discribed them to me.

[mystic54]

I know i know i know it's the alcholic talking/treating me this way, but how do i get over it? I recognize it, how do I quit being a complete uncontrollable bawling freak today? I'm devastated. I'm hurt.

I too am a uncontrollable bawling freak today. My A is sleeping off a drunk last night as he does each morning. We don't sleep together, when he does comes to bed, he falls into it fully clothed. The relationship has almost fallen completely apart. I have talked to him about his problem with drinking, and it works for a day and that night he's once again, walking up the street to the bar to get more beer. I'm devastated, I'm hurting, and I'm seeing the true man in there snoring. All of the talk of going camping, him building a fire for me, what a good life we could have, all of the excitement that he would bring into my life, was all just talk and perhaps his own wishes as well as my hope that things would actually turn out the way he had discribed them to me.

[mystic54]

Sorry about the double post, but the thread told me that I wasn't signed in.

[RufusACanal]

I made a decision to drink several years ago while married. I had been sober for three years and one day decided to drink. One drink began a five week binge and a three week hospital stay; I was one of those drunks who saw things and acted like a blender among other things. At some point during the pain, I knew I was full; full of booze, full of pain, full of not living again. This happened rather quickly after spending quite some time on my knees in my hospital room. My Wife choose to allow me to stay in the marriage and loved me inspite of my insane desire to destroy myself and those around us and I am more than grateful she made that decision. As a drunk, I was a criminal and a bum and I would be a drunk today if I had not realized that I needed to be full.

I needed something I could hold on to. As an active alcoholic for over 30 years, I needed more than meetings and sponsors and steps. I needed a new life. In order to get this new life, I had to realize, on my own that I had drank all of the booze I would ever need; I was full. I needed desperately something larger and more durable than any man or woman, who would hold me in the palm of their mighty hand and love me through anything. All I had to do was ask that larger and more durable being for help and listen for the instructions. I did and I live to tell about it today.

Recovering people occaisonally like to give advise... forgive me but I will not. Your decisions and the outcomes are yours. Several good women over the years did not stick with me because of their considered feelings regarding who, what, why and how I was living my life. I in no way blame them; I was not ready to live like others. Today, at 50, I have been married for the first time for six years and I would not trade this special love for anything. This is just another product of that new life I spoke of before.

I get off by myself and get down to a private place so I can get on my knees. Regardless of my place in the scheme of life, I always get on my knees to talk to a god of my understanding. By the way, I don't have to be the right person, the wrong person... if I have difficulties, I go to someone who has the answers, if I am willing to simply listen. This is not voodoo, sorry, but it works for me.

I will say this in close, when difficulties are pitting me against anything, I pray, listen and go on with head held high. Take care in all.

[denny57]

Originally Posted by RufusACanal

Several good women over the years did not stick with me because of their considered feelings regarding who, what, why and how I was living my life.

Did any of them have feelings considering how they were living their OWN life? I've said it before - I didn't make a change because someone was alcoholic; I made it because I was not happy with MY life.

[RufusACanal]

Originally Posted by denny57

Did any of them have feelings considering how they were living their OWN life? I've said it before - I didn't make a change because someone was alcoholic; I made it because I was not happy with MY life.

You would obviously have to ask them... I was the perpetrator not the victim.

[daisies]

CDK

I can relate to your situation in the fact that my AH is also a police officer who will not get the professional assistance he needs. He is too macho to admit he cannot do it himself. He has admitted he will never go to AA. He too has seen the "real alcoholics" living under bridges and at the homeless shelters and he is of course not one of them. I dont mean to be so pessimistic but I dont hold out much hope that he will succeed in sobriety. During 13 years of marriage he has abstained for only 4 months. At this moment he is on day 18 of sobriety.
Remember that you need to take care of yourself first and foremost. Attend AlAnon and take one day at a time.

[fuster]

Hello again, cdk1972: How are you doing now? I don't see posts for the past few days; I hope that is a good thing?

I am a recovering codependent AND alcoholic/drug addict. Double trouble. The pain you feel will not kill you. Remember that. Also remember that the other person does not cause your pain; it comes from within you. That means you have some control over it, to a point. The feelings you have are painful because for so many years you have used a system to manage emotional feelings that your family taught you to put in a compartment, close the door and ignore or feel that if it is there it is bad. Not so much a "their fault" thing here, just that "it is what it is". You have to live through the pain, not use your old (unhealthy) ways to push it aside.

For starters, you can learn that you derive self worth from what others think about you, and you do things to get people to "love" (albeit a distorted definition) you. In a way you buy their love, but the price is very high. You compromise self worth at the expense of them responding in a way that you feel is positive. If you fail to have the relationship, regardless of how miserable it is in many ways, you feel intense shame about yourself as a failure, and the bad or imperfect image of yourself rears its ugly head.

Once you get to a point where you can accept some basic thinking changes that Ms. Beattie (and some other authors by the way) can tell you about, you will tolerate the painful feelings you have during times like this and you will see that "THIS TOO SHALL PASS". And out the other side you go, healthier and you will slowly learn to love yourself for who YOU are, not for who others think you are.

[CBrown]

"he will do whatever he wants WHENEVER he wants"

I have heard this from every single friend my ABF has. I'm so tired of hearing it. And I'm tired of knowing that it's true. Even worse my ABF says:

"When someone tells me not to do something, it makes me want to do it more."

Maybe I should tell him to drink more, kill himself, sleep with every woman he meets, spend all his money, etc.

[cdk1972]

I am sorry for the delay in responses. I have to be honest with you all, even though i am not being honest with my friends and family- and probably myself. He called, told me to come over, let's talk, blablabla. I did. I knew inside i would cave, and i did. I'm just as weak as he is. He was very nice to me that night-of course, never apologizing, but just being nice. And yes, having several drinks. But then he started distancing himself from me, and then yesterday he invited me to coffee,....what? Since when do we go to coffee? So i said, just tell me what you're going to say. He told me that he will not tolerate me telling him what to do, and WEIRD-that the more i tell him, the more he wants to do it-and that it angers him so much he feels like he wants to lose control and that i should be glad i wasn't in the room with him when he read my e-mail (which is the e-mail that started this whole thing in the first place.) I guess i knew it was coming. I cried all night. Went grocery shopping today and had to repeatedly say to myself as i walked down the aisles, "Keep it together, keep it together....etc." i feel like i'm going through the motions because if i pause, i will break apart. I am sad for the loss of this relationship. I am sad for the loss of what i thought our future could be. I am sad for the hope i invested. I know he will probably not be successful-ever- in sobriety. His mind is too made up. I keep every single one of your words in my head, though. Constantly. I keep telling myself to feel this, and get through it. i keep telling myself that i have to detach and take care of myself. I can't thank all of you enough for your support. I just have so many questions. i'm so confused. i'm so lost and hurt and messed up in my head. I even reverted back to bad thoughts last night i used to have when i was younger (oh yea, to add to the trainwreck i already am, i suffer from clinical depression...i'm a class act, aren't I?) about me not even wanting to be here at all. Keep writing and i will keep being honest with you all. Because i can't tell my friends and family what i post here. so again...thank you. And here's a funny story to add a light hearted note-i'm a teacher and coach - today during volleyball practice i walked around all morning with a pair of underwear inside my pantleg-they had clung to the inside of my sweatpants in the drier. nice. i'm falling apart.

[cdk1972]

Oh, i forgot to add that when he dropped me off yesterday, he told me, don't give up on me just yet, i just have some thinking to do, and i'll get back to you. He also told me when i was crying, that i feel sorry for myself and just cry to get attention from him. that i'm a big girl, and if i can't handle what he does or says to me, then it's my problem. I guess he's right, but he takes absolutely NO ownership in anything. Is that part of his disease? Why is it always on his terms? I just hopped out of the truck without saying a word.