how do i deal?

[cdk1972]

To Areallady-read right above what you last wrote-i think i wrote that while you were writing your last comment...and you missed it...I NEED HELP!

[denny57]

Originally Posted by cdk1972

I am hurting right now because I am not able to express my feelings in this relationship-and that's really what i focused on even moreso than his drinking. So right now i'm feeling like my words didn't matter at all. What i said isn't important.

It is important, to YOU. I've come to understand that when I express my feelings, I have no control over whether someone else listens or understands them. What matters is that I am true to myself.

((()))

[cagefree]

Originally Posted by cdk1972

*So is the complete failure i'm feeling right now my co-dependence?
*I feel like I need so badly for him to understand where i'm coming from
*So right now i'm feeling like my words didn't matter at all.
*What i said isn't important.

I fight these thoughts every day with a codie recovery plan.

Originally Posted by cdk1972

I know i know i know it's the alcholic talking/treating me this way, but how do i get over it? I recognize it, how do I quit being a complete uncontrollable bawling freak today? I'm devastated. I'm hurt. I feel like i should've kept my mouth shut.

Give yourself permission to feel, validate yourself and your feelings. Who cares if your a bawling freak today - if you need to, cry all over the place! We've all been a mess at one time or another and another and another. I have stood exactly where you are now, wondering why he doesn't get it, trying to figure out what I had done wrong that he didn't get it.

Originally Posted by cdk1972

I feel like i disappointed him I feel like he hates me so much right now. And i was even expecting the WORST before I called him!

This has NOTHING to do with you (((CDK)))

Write it out in 50 different launguages with pie charts, blinking arrows and bold-face explicit lettering and he'll still only choose to hear what he wants. You can expect this from an alcoholic.

Can I suggest a good read? "Codependent No More"

[ARealLady]

"how do i get over it? I recognize it, how do I quit being a complete uncontrollable bawling freak today? I'm devastated. I'm hurt. I feel like i should've kept my mouth shut. I feel like i disappointed him I feel like he hates me so much right now."

You give yourself time...T-I-M-E. You take care of yourself (read the Melody Beattie books, take a long bubble bath, turn your phone off, indulge in your favourite comfort foods, read threads on this forum created by members who were right where you are, know that you are not alone in how you are feeling). Go back to the beginning of this thread and read what you posted about your feelings. Validate your feelings through what you wrote. You did not imagine anything.

Within 48 hours of XABF's hateful email to me, I received an apology for his angry threats. Same old, same old. I will wager your XBF is going to drown his sorrows and within a few days be calling you to come back. You probably have disappointed your XBF....he liked having CKD, The Codie-Enabler in his life....but the bottle was always more important. Now, The New CKD has rocked his comfortable world....but the bottle is still there. His choice. Pity him.

ARL

[cdk1972]

I really, really, really appreciate everyone's response. It really does help me get through this. As a matter of fact, i'm going to Barne's and Noble to find that book right now. Of course, i'll have to wear big sunglasses so my eyes don't look like golfballs. And every time someone says ONE thing to me-the mailman just said, "I like your flowers" I start to cry. Nice. I feel like a total weak freakface. I hate this feeling. HATE it. But i will say even my closest friends aren't making me feel like these comments are! THANK YOU!

[cdk1972]

Oh. and here's my other fear: If he DOES call me and try to convince me and himself he's okay, blablablabla come back, we'll work it out, blablabla, how am I going to stand my ground? I'm going to be 100% honest - I can't promise that I can do that right now. What a mess I am. How pathetic am I.

[Lady BlueMiles]

Told me that he will do whatever he wants WHENEVER he wants,

Heard this a million times. It was my AH's way of telling me he wasn't going to respect any boundaries with me adapting and conceding every step of the way to avoid pain because it does hurt.

It started out with Happy Hour after work, then Friday night out with the boys, then Thursday, Friday, and Saturday with his friends. Today he comes and goes as he pleases and only comes home to vent, rant, rage or rest up.

Early on, it sounded kinda foolish to think about breaking up because he wanted to socialize after work for happy hour or wanted a night out with the boys. See what I mean?

[cdk1972]

Yes, I do. And he doesn't go out , but his excuse is, as a cop, he sees and deals with so much that I could never, ever understand. Just give him that one bit of pleasure to get his mind off this. Just this ONE pleasure. and that makes me feel guilty. For so many reasons: One, that I alone can't take his mind off of it (granted, i know this isn't about me, but for some reason that still rings in my head). and two, why can't I help him? He's so depressed and sad and hurting, what can I do to help him? Again, i'm aware of how co-dependent that is, but i can't help feeling it all the same. His alcoholism is making ME feel crazy, guilty, hurt, unworthy, foolish and illogical. He works in the K9 unit, which deals 90% in drug/alcoholuse, so in his mind, since he is nowhere NEAR as bad as the alcoholics he comes into contact with, this is NOT A PROBLEM. "Some people smoke pot, some people eat a lot, some people work out...I have a few whiskies-so mind your business". What i don't get is, with how schooled he is in drug and alcohol training, doesn't he HEAR himself? He is text book, doesn't any of his behavior ring a bell?!?! He has a degree in criminal justice/drug and alcohol/social work. How is this POSSIBLE?!?!?!?!??!
Some quotes he said today on the phone:
I don't need you telling me this, everyone at work already thinks i have a problem, you all can mind your own business.
Every relationship i've had i've heard this same BS, i don't need it from you....

HELLO!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!??!!??! Listen to yourself!!
Am i going crazy? Am I missing somethign?!?!?

[Lady BlueMiles]

Am i going crazy? Am I missing somethign?!?!?

I don't think your going crazy, but frankly, it appears to me from your posts you are being AFFECTED by this disease. (jmo)

I know I've been affected.
This is where I think Alanon meetings are going to help me. It's finally sinking in that I didn't cause it, I can't cure it and I certainly can't control it. I have to stop focusing on the A and focus on me. I got lost in the never ending trauma, drama, irrationality of living with an A . Hardly know myself anymore. But that's getting better.

[cagefree]

Originally Posted by cdk1972

Some quotes he said today on the phone:
I don't need you telling me this, everyone at work already thinks i have a problem, you all can mind your own business.
Every relationship i've had i've heard this same BS, i don't need it from you....

An addict will do anything to protect their greatest love - their addiction. They protect it with denial, threats, bargaining, etc.

Mine essentially left the relationship to protect his.

I gave myslf my own validation that it wasn't all in my head and quit believing the bs that came from him. I don't need for him to "get what he did" on order for me to moveon.

I know what was REALLY going on - and thats all I need. It took a lot of work on myself to get there.

[cdk1972]

I guess that is what i'm trying to do. Know/convince myself i am right, but i find that i keep faltering...what if i AM wrong and I am a complete B**** for accusing him? I hurt his feelings, I can't handle the fact that he hates me right now..blablabla. I am reading a book called, "Understanding the alcoholic's mind" by Arnold Ludwig, and it is amazing how textbook my ABF is...fits this book to a T! But why, then, if i realize this, do i feel so damn guilty? I know what he is doing right now. He is at home so pissed off at me he hates the sight of everything that is mine that is over there. He has probably even punched a few holes in the walls. I have never heard anger yesterday on the phone in my life. So I sit here thinking, oh, my God. What have I done? I've ruined his life, i've sent him in a downward spiral and on and on and on. I know better, I know that is the codependence in me, so why do i keep doing it?!!?!? Why do I feel so bad today? Why am I so worried about him hating me?

[Mair]

CDK!!! This is what they are like, i lost count how many times i walked away from him when he was out of control, not saying a word just walking away. i always thought that this reaction really p--- him off more than ranting about his drinking did. By saying nothing and walking away you are not giving him the excuse to blame you, mine always knew it was his fault no need for me to tell him.

I felt better when i didnt shout at him, i walked away with a clear consience till i got in the car and screamed all the way home!!!!!!

He doesnt hate you cdk, youve hit a raw nerve that is all. The only person he really hates is himself. You did nothing wrong, you did what weve all done. I wrote to my xab and told him much of the same as you that i loved him but couldnt put up with the drinking. Im sure if would have been a fly on the wall when he read it my name would have been dirt. He says he misses me and loves me and i really beleive he does but its not enough for him to stop, he told me the other day i'll sort myself out and we can try again yeh, he was on the way to the pub?? dugh. You have nothing to feel guilty about I dont' anymore and neither should you. Take care dol.

Mair x

[Pick-a-name]

Keep reading and posting,etc.,etc. and keep an open mind.

What I found was that as my denial started to crack, I was in a constant battle with myself......the truth started getting louder and louder (and I did not want to believe it). I was also used to believing what my AH said; that was well and good years ago BEFORE he became addicted, but not so good when he was telling me what he wanted me (and himself) to believe.

It's a process..by being here you are making yourself open to the possibility that things are not all that he says they are....good.

Have you read "Getting Them Sober"? I really love the gentleness of these books and practical tips. http://www.GettingThemSober.com

[cdk1972]

I have just read a sticky from Tazman-a former alcoholic. He says that the best thing to do is walk away and let him fend for himself, which is, in essence what you have said. Why does that send a stabbing pain through my stomache? I guess to be brutally honest, and as selfish as this seems, i think, "Well what if he doesnt' come back i'll lose him forever?" I KNOW that that would probably be the best thing. I know the cliche's involved- if you love him let him leave....etc. I KNOW all of this-do i want him like this anyway? balblabla. But where how do i find the strength to DO it anyway?!?!?!? I know it would be the best thing i could do for myself, so why is it so hard? WHERE DOES THAT INCESSANT NEED TO FIX/HELP him come from?!?!?!?

[hbb]

(((CDK))) I know exactly how you feel, i tried to "fix" my exrabf for 6 months while he was sober for the first time in about 14 years. He left me sober.....it's nothing YOU did, it's them. I know someday Jay will wake up and say he lost the best thing ever but you know what, i know in my heard i did EVERYTHING (but breathe) for him so i know that i walk away with not one regret. Chances are he'll go back to drinking because damn it, i was the best thing for him and he couldn't handle it. He can live a miserable life at the age of 34, i did my best and loved him too much i guess in the long run. You ARE doing the right thing, i know i go back and forth on here and cry daily still but you know what, we don't deserve this unaccepable behavior from our worst enemy. Stay strong, PM me anytime, we are all here for you

P.s. it's been well over a month for me and i'm still as sad as the first week, it takes time, it's a grieving process, but you know what, believe the recovering friends in here like Tazman because they, unlike my Jay, are in TRUE recovery, mine is a dry drunk aka JERK Keep your chin up

[ARealLady]

"believe the recovering friends in here like Tazman because they, unlike my Jay, are in TRUE recovery,"

Got to second that, hbb! Much of my new understanding about this disease comes from all the wonderful people who post about their recovery experiences over on the Alcoholism board. And I love it when they provide insight on this board.

Interesting that XABF thinks he is too special to attend AA because he doesn't want to associate with all those alkies who have been ordered to AA and have to sign in. He seriously told me the ONLY meeting he would consider attending would be George Bush's! And yet, when you read about recovering As' experiences with AA, they often say that they thought they were going to be outsiders initially only to discover everyone at AA had been thinking, saying and doing the same things! And, as I reminded XABF, the people who run the meetings aren't signing in....they are there because they know the programme works! Service!!!

ARL

[cdk1972]

In My case, S will not go to AA because he says, "There's no way i'm going to go to a place where i've probably arrested half of those people at one time or the other...how would i ever be taken seriously if i'm right there beside them?" Of course, that was when he DID have a problem. He doesn't right now. Told me yesterday if he wants to relax with a scotch it's none of my damn business. So i guess you also need to relax on your three days off when nothing else in the entire world is going on?! I can't get over how mean he was yesterday. I keep hearing his angry voice rolling in my head over and over. and it scares me a little bit. I'm scared he'll call again and be mean again, and i always cave and become weak and start crying instead of being able to say, Screw you don't ever talk to me that way! It is in my head, but never able to come out of my mouth. it's like i freeze up. I can't believe how crazy i feel in my head. I don't even trust my own thoughts right now.

[Lady BlueMiles]

I'm scared he'll call again and be mean again, and i always cave and become weak and start crying instead of being able to say, Screw you don't ever talk to me that way!

I've started asking myself alot of questions lately. It's been a long time for me.
What do I want in a relationship? How do I want to be treated and loved? What are my boundaries? What am I going to do when the line is crossed?

This mean and nasty aspect of the As is so hard to deal with. If I can't control the behaviour of someone else what do I do? I'm learning about detachment. It's not easy.

[cdk1972]

But how do i not take it so personally and hurt so much? When he says mean things to me, I automatically feel bad,guilty,hurt, whatever. Although my conscience mind knows it's him saying things in defense, i believe there is some truth to what he is saying as well and it hurts. I've been terrified in thelast two days expecting a phone call from him. I hate this so much. I can't even get through the day like a normal person.

[denny57]

If I'm in a meeting working on myself I'm not available to take phone calls from people I'm dreading.

[96tears]

Originally Posted by cdk1972

I'm new to this. But I need support/advice...something. I am in my mid thirties. I am not naive about alcoholism. Unfortunately, i met and fell in love with an alcoholic. Also unfortunately, he is drinking again after having about 5 weeks of sober lucidity, admitting he had a problem, wanting to stop etc. He has now started again, is defensive about it, trying to convince me and himself he is in control. I don't want to live my life like this. I cannot talk to him about his alcoholism for obvious reasons (defensive, says i'm trying to control his life, it's not my business, etc.) I know that whatever I say will or do will never, ever change him. It will not make him stop. That is up to him. But it hurts me that alcohol will always be ahead of me. I know the disease. At the same time, i 'm not ready to leave. I'm not sure what is stopping me. He has an answer/counter for anything i say to him. It's always my fault. My problem, not his. And i constantly feel guilty. But i realize i'm also losing myself. He is a cop, and co workers have warned him about his drinking. He never, ever uses at work, though and is smart enough to never do that. But they still know about it. And he is becoming more and more hostile to their "constant nagging".
How do i deal with this? Is my only option to walk away? I do not want to live with an alcoholic, but I DO want to live with HIM. I am beginning to think that there is no bottom for him. He has admitted to me (while drunk) that drinking is his escape. He has admitted to me that it conceals the pain of his previous divorce, all the **** he goes through with his line of work, etc. But he also says that counseling is useless. He will never go. I think it also has to do with his macho-ness as a police officer. I am at a loss. I feel depressed all the time. I feel like i cannot bring anything up for fear of a confrontation. Am I just resigned to this unless i leave?
thank you for letting me vent. Any responses will be well-received.
Thank you.

LIFE IS TOO SHORT! LEAVE NOW! DO NOT FALL IN LOVE WITH PEOPLE IN GENERAL WITH WEAK POTENTIAL. YOU ARE WORTH MORE THAN THAT I AM SURE! MG IN VEGAS.

[Lady BlueMiles]

But how do i not take it so personally and hurt so much?

Denny is so right. By attending meetings, getting informed, and working on your own issues.

This is what I'm learning: Taking it personally is your issue, believing what he says is your issue, waiting for the phone to ring is your issue, processing emotions in a healthy way is your issue, not setting boundaries is your issue. Concentrate on that. Focus on you. You have to work at it.

Drinking and being nasty is HIS issue. Not yours to deal with. Work at not adding to your own problems by taking on his issues. Inform him of your boundaries. In your own words you could say something like "I don't like to be spoken to like that and if it continues I'm going to hang up."

If you don't feel strong enough to enforce your boundaries about how he speaks to you then just don't answer the phone when he calls and spend the time working on yourself.