I have to get this out of my system

[pineapple2007]

On saturday I went out clubbing with my friends. I was wearing a new dress and I looked f'in SLAMMING. Felt good. I had people staring like crazy. Sorry people I have to boast for a moment!! I actually felt good inside.

Sunday morning I woke up and i still felt great. I felt like there is hope in this world that I can find better. And that it's my EX's losssssss for leaving me!! Because I had a lot of people coming up to me to chat, compliment, etc. Sunday morning I felt different... like I was 10 steps forward! Wow it felt NICE! I wasnt thinking about my ex. no urges.

Sunday morning I also get a call from an EX friend. I will call him Sam. Sam is an ex friend because he is the whole cause of my vacation being ruined. He is my XABF's good friend. But Sam is also inlove/obsessed with me. and we have been in this friendship where he has been obsessed with me for about a year. now Sam says "the only reason i planned the vacation is so you and XABF can be together." but that is all BS. because Sam is so obsessed with me, he couldnt stand knowing i was in mexico doing whatever I want... so he talked my Ex into going and also paid for my ex and himself to go. Now I have fully cut him out of my life for good.

So Sam calls sunday and he is talking a lot off smack. He was almost begging me to call me XABF!!!!!!!! He kept saying "Listen, you should call him because he is soft at heart and he will understand. Listen if you want something bad enough you need to go after it. Please call him. Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but also makes the heart wander. and you dont want that. Will you call? I have known him for 15 years. I know how he will react. He is only trying to put up a front. Call him please."

and I was sitting there on the other end of the phone like "Is this the devil that I am talking to?" It just totally killed my 10 steps forward!!!! I was like this has to be the devil!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! He really had me contimplating if I should call. IT WAS SO BAD!!!! and I was on the verge of calling my ex. oh my goodness!!! Its like the strong side of me was totally SHUT OFF! And there was a loud voice in my head saying. Oh man you gotta call..... you gotta call. you gotta calll!!!!

But really the only reason Sam wants me to call is so that he can be apart of my life again because he is that obsessed with me. he thinks that if me and my ex are back together he will some how be in my life again. Sam also said "if I cannot be with you, I want you with my friend (my ex) and I cannot see you with anyone else but him or me" pretty messed in the head. Ya. hence the cutting him out of my life for GOOD.

After that conversation. I asked him nicely not to call or text me ever again.

I was so scared. Is that the devil or what?!
Sorry I had to get this out of me today.......................................

[hbb]

Good for you for telling him not to contact you again. These people are NOT friends, or any support system that you need in your life right now. They are selfish jerks, surround yourself at Al Anon or true friends of yours. I wouldn't associate with anyone to do with your exabf...no contact...keep that in the forefront of your mind

[pineapple2007]

it was just so scary. that is the devil for you. When you are so high on your horse he tries to talk you into coming down.

Boy was he talking me into that. It was sooooooooooooooooooo hard to ignore the voices. but I did. I did. i did. i did. I know i shouldnt call me ex.

you know what else Sam said. "If you are out of his sight, you are out of his mind.... absence makes the heart wander!!!!!!!!!!!!!" oh my goodness... those sayings make me sad. but I know they are WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG WRRRRRONNNGGG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! UUURGG!!!!!!!

[pineapple2007]

Am I going crazy?

[hbb]

He just wanted to get into your head for him and your ex and that's what he did. Don't take anymore calls from anyone to do with him. They are not healthy for YOUR recovery. I know it's probably hard (i've had no contact for a month) and sometimes go back and forth but i know the day we do talk i'm hopefully in a much much stronger better place for myself. Don't take the calls.......

[pineapple2007]

Thank hbb.... but the going back and forth, back and forth THINKING:

oh no. maybe i should call/send a hello card in the mail and check upon him. Oh no, what if he thinks "wow she doesnt care about me!", maybe if I call he will realize I really do LOVE/care about him and he will want to be with me.... this kind of back and forth is killing me... which way do I go. what if he is waiting for a call from me? what if he is saying "oh she couldnt even call to see how i am doing, she didnt really love me, good thing i left her!" uuuuuurrggg!!!!

[anvilhead]

well let's review.....WHY are you guys split up again? WHAT was the compelling motive? do you have any visible tangible proof that ANYTHING has changed? HOW is your life today compared to how it was? WHO calls the shots now in your life.........?

[hbb]

Pineapple, if he broke up with you WHY on earth would you call him to say hello and see if he misses you?????? DON'T DO IT, this was HIS choice, his bed...let him lie in it. I'm sure my ex is SHOCKED i didn't call him or text him back after he left me a message, for what? to ease his mind?? I know i'm up and down on here and so confussed myself BUT the one thing i do know is that i will NEVER pick up that phone or email him...this is what HE wanted not me so i'm not going begging.....Pineapple, let him go, he's not worth it, he had a good thing, like my ex and chose to let it go......

[pineapple2007]

Originally Posted by anvilhead

well let's review.....WHY are you guys split up again? WHAT was the compelling motive? do you have any visible tangible proof that ANYTHING has changed? HOW is your life today compared to how it was? WHO calls the shots now in your life.........?

Lets!

Why? Because he quit drinking and is going at it on his own. The withdrawl symptoms are to overwhelming for him to deal with + be in a relationship. plus he probably cant give much to a relationship right now... god that hurts to say again.

Motive? withdrawl symptoms, him saying hes not able to be in a commited relationship because of all that he has to deal with.

Proof anything has changed? no. I know he hasnt drank in 3 months though...

How is my life today? Lonely, I worry a lot, wondering, pondering, wanting, yearning....

Who calls the shots? If I called and spoke tohim again..he would call the shots..

[pineapple2007]

thanks hbb and anvilhead.

I know, why would I call. I even have this card I have been waiting for the right time to send. and I have urges to send it. urg. and other gifts I have been saving from before to give to him (from before). I have urges to send those too. I even think about his bday. and what I will send him. and there goes my thoughts. snow balling again.

[denny57]

At this point in my recovery, I would be examining why I only felt good about myself because other people were giving me validation. Everything else (the phone call from Sam) clouds the real issue - the only one I'd have control over - myself.

It wasn't easy, but I did learn how to remove the people, places and things from my life that kept me stuck in the dance. It's a process.

[pineapple2007]

I keep thinking: but we broke up on good terms. not as enemies, but as friends iguess. he didnt disrespect me. he was honest. he didnt cheat. he told the truth which showed he respected me. so why cant I send a friendly card, not now, but maybe in a month or so? ...

[anvilhead]

i said this on another post, but IMNSHO (in my not so humble opinion) if you can't commit to me 100%, offer your best to me, and if i cannot do the same, and accept you EXACTLY as you are in this moment, then what's the dang point? if i wanted half a man i'd go tear apart a GI Joe or a Ken doll.........

[pineapple2007]

Originally Posted by denny57

At this point in my recovery, I would be examining why I only felt good about myself because other people were giving me validation. Everything else (the phone call from Sam) clouds the real issue - the only one I'd have control over - myself.

It wasn't easy, but I did learn how to remove the people, places and things from my life that kept me stuck in the dance. It's a process.

Thanks denny. Sam is gone for good though. That was an easy one to be rid of. heck, he was the ring leader in ruining my vacation!

I don't ONLY feel good because of other people. its just that saturday it felt pretty alright to be able to shake the thought of noone will want me....

[denny57]

Originally Posted by pineapple2007

its just that saturday it felt pretty alright to be able to shake the thought of noone will want me....

I hear you. I like the attention I get, too. It's been a real education for me - that I won't feel better about myself because of it, though.

BTW, of COURSE someone - many someones - will want you. Once you really believe that you'll be beating them off with a stick!

[pineapple2007]

Originally Posted by denny57

I hear you. I like the attention I get, too. It's been a real education for me - that I won't feel better about myself because of it, though.

BTW, of COURSE someone - many someones - will want you. Once you really believe that you'll be beating them off with a stick!

hahahhahahahah Denny! "that you'll be beating them off with a stick!" that made me laugh.

I dont care to much about the attention. I dont crave it, need it or any of that. I am not what of those "needs to be in the spot light" type of females. Nor do I seek it when I am out. I actually don't like being in the spot light. saturday just helped me a bit.

I just want to get out of this back and forth i am feeling.

I don't know if i explained this or not but when me and Xabf started out, he really liked me. then i pushed him away. and then when he was pushed away far enough i started liking him so so much that i was doing everything i could to get it back to him liking me again. now that we are completly over.. i still feel i need to prove my love to him or something. when i am back and forth I still feel the need to fight for his love. thats why i keep having the "WHAT IF I dont call/send a card. then he will think "oh, see, she never really loved me.... good thing i left her!" ...... I know it is so RETARDED.

[Mair]

You know what my xab mother is doing the same to me. She called me yesterday, said he was home not drinking and why dont i give him a call. She knows about the drinking and hates it, and she knows he hurts me. But i thought last night why would she want me to go back with her son and it dawned on me. Since ive been enabling and looking after him for the last 2 years, she has had a respite and has felt safe in he knowlege that i was with him and she didnt have to deal with his antics. i was her safety net. And now the safety net has gone. I feel very sorry for her to see her son end up this way, and in a way im glad she's had 2 years of rest even if it wrecked my head. People who are not codependant cannot handle or put up with alcohoilc behaviour and dont want the responsibility. Mabye your xf feels like this also. Keep strong and take stupid comments like that with a pinch of salt, your made of better stuff.

Mair

[hbb]

Pineapple, I too like Mair understand .... my exabf's mother had contact with me up until a month ago saying i was so good to her son, was the only one to help him since the age of 17 and that she couldn't have believed that he was sober as long as he was and raved about me. Unfortunately, some guys don't see a good thing when it smacks them in the face. I know you want to help him but like mine, guess he knows best, which he will eventually drink again and give up without me in his life but i did my best and that wasn't good enough for him i guess.

[sunshine321]

Pineapple,
I don't know you and I'm still living with my active abf so I don't have much room to talk, but one thing I do know. When I finally have the chance to be rid of this craziness, there is nothing in the world that will make me want that for myself or my kids again. You don't have to prove anything to him. You loved him, I'm sure you told him that and he knows it. It sounds like you feel the reason he broke up with you is because he didn't know how much you loved him. From the reasons you gave above, that's not what he said. It also sounds like there is a pattern with you that you want what you can't have (sorry to be so blunt). I think he did you a favor. Sober or not, maybe he's not the right guy for you. You are a good person, you are worthy of a real relationship with a whole man. You are finally out, free from the crap that alcoholics submerge into our lives. Why would you need to let him know anything about you? Where does that come from? Maybe you still want the fairytale? I know I haven't let go of that completely yet. Hope I didn't offend.

Jenny

[pineapple2007]

thanks everyone. thanks for that jenny and hbb.

I dont know what the hell I am thinking. I dont know if he knows I love him. maybe he knows, but doesnt know how much.