I'm stuck

[Lady BlueMiles]

I'm struggling with doing my Alanon phone calls.

At my meeting last week I was given a list of members phone numbers. It was strongly suggested I call someone at least once a day along with other suggestions to help me start focusing on myself. I think I've done very well with some of the other suggestions through this week but I think I've failed miserably with the phone calls.

I did try to call the one lady that did the one on one with me for that meeting and we played phone tag for a few days and never connected. I'm really ok with the part about her not being available when it wasn't convenient for me. I've been trying to call her from my cell after I get to the parking lot at work, and during my lunch break.

Thursday I called and left a message that I'm ok with us missing each other's calls and I'd see her on Monday and she had left me a message apologizing for having such a busy week. I haven't tried to call back since and never tried to call anyone else on the list.

I'm trying to understand why I'm having so much trouble with this and so far I think there are some real practical reasons along with dealing with walls I've built up.

One practical reason is that I only get 600 minutes on my cell phone with the plan I can afford right now and I usually only use it on the weekend when I get "free" minutes. I try to save the other minutes in case of emergency during the month. It doesn't take long for the minutes to add up and I can get hit with a huge bill if I go over my minutes. To suddenly find myself talking on the cell phone with lots of new friends could end up costing me big.

I know I have other walls. I don't want my husband to know about Alanon right now and I don't have the privacy at home to make calls from my home and I don't want return calls coming to my house on the land line. My husband is home before I leave for work and home when I get out of work. The only time I have any personal privacy is if he is at the bar. Some weeks, this is everyday. Last week he was home every blasted night except Monday night when he was so drunk he never made it home till morning when he could drive.

One a side note, he sort of hit a bottom about our finances and cried for the first time in a long while and expressed his fears of losing me over him going broke. Then decided he needed to "cut back" and get some control over his drinking. (He is still in denial over the alcoholism and thinks he can be in control, thinks he doesn't have a problem, refuses AA etc.)

Anyways I'm stuck on how to work this out. I really don't want to tell my AH about Alanon not so much that I'm afraid to anymore, but I just don't want to have to deal with his reactions to it. He's heavily invested in his alcohlic social life with his alcoholic friends etc etc. I think this will be very threatening to him. I'm tired of dealing with his thinking and it's really none of his business what I do for myself.

Any suggestions on how to resolve this cell phone land line problem?

[denny57]

I think it's the most common thing I've heard shared in meetings - fear of making the phone calls. For me it was the inherent belief no one had time to listen to my problems and I should deal with them on my own. As I got more comfortable making (and receiving) them, I learned it wasn't about dumping problems at all. "Talk things over, reason them out" keeps me grounded. It calms the committee in my head.

I wouldn't worry about it too much. It's all suggestion, not rules. We all work the program at our own pace.

Good luck!

[Lady BlueMiles]

I tried thinking about your response until I realized how numb I've become to my own feelings. The best I could come up with so far is I think I feel very isolated and ashamed of my situation and it's hard to reach out. Like it's out of my comfort zone to have someone I can rationally call and talk with?

I mentioned to a few members how I thought I "bungled" the phone calls and they just said "but you came back" and "keep coming." The nonjudgemental responses from everyone in the program truly amazes me. I've never encountered anything like this from anyone before.

I might add some of the members of this group have been going for over 30 years! They've learned so much working the steps and keep learning/progressing. This is what I want to do.

Thank you.

[Spiritual Seeker]

The way I use the phone list: I only call the people who I have connected with in a personal way after meetings, so I know who I am calling and they know who I am. I don't like calling people anonyomously. Early in al-anon I reached out to the people I thought I could relate to based I what I heard them sharing and built some meaningful relationships. I've made some good friends through al-anon and it is easy for us to call one another when we need support. These relationships have been invaluable. Hopefully, you will build some great relationships too.

[Japic05]

Taking those first steps in reaching out can be difficult, uncomfortable and challenging. Not to mention that some people don't like to "talk" on the phone.

So if you are limited to your lunch time, maybe could you try to make a call during your lunch break or during your drive home saying "I don't have much time on my cell phone plan, but I working on reaching out. Just wanted to say HI and ask if you would keep my in your thoughts & prayers today and I'll do the same for you"

Most people will definitely understand the "cell phone minute" limits and respect that. Then you have found a way to start a basis with people - maybe then when you are more comfortable talking a little longer and an opportunity is provided - you will be ready to talk a little more open to that person.

Remember, Progress not Perfection - little steps at a time are great ways to help you continue your growth.

I had no idea what to say the first couple of calls I made - just establishing a relationship with my recovery friends helped - then when a crisis hit I had people I could rely on.

Wishing you Serenity & Joy,
Rita

[parentrecovers]

i'm stuck too. so thanks for sharing, k