First Meeting

[Lady BlueMiles]

I can't believe I did it. I went to my first Alanon meeting tonight. I'm sorry in advance if this post is so long.

First, how I almost didn't go.

This weekend was quiet and I had a chance to take the time and think about me for a change. I was surprised at what has surfaced in me.

One thing, I've been afraid of the reaction from AH if he found out. Also, how he would react about where I was or what I was doing. Yes it has come to that. I get out of work around 6 every night and come home to take care of my cats like clockwork. Sometimes AH is here and sometimes he's at the bar, most times at the bar. I never know when he'll be home or not or what I'll be faced with after work. Usually AH gets home drunk around an hour after I do and the fun begins. But little by little he gets home later and later now. (He still isn't home yet tonight.)

What surfaced is that I realized as bad as I want this to end and all go away I was afraid of change. The thought of that first step started scaring me so bad I was shaking because I knew it was going to start a change in me.

I came home after work and fed the cats, and took off the office clothes. I felt really tired and drained. If AH had been home I don't think I would have gone. I think I would have caved. At 7:30 he still wasn't home and I still had time to make the meeting that started at 8:00. I threw some clothes on, forgot to put my rings/jewelry on and ran out the door before he might pull in the driveway and drove off.

I made it to the meeting after all. Nothing I've done so far made me feel like this. I don't even know if I understand how I feel. Like this is a final decision, I have to let go and there' s no turning back. Nothing will be the same again and I feel very sad. Like a grieving feeling or sense of great loss. I don't understand it.

This location has a 12 step focus that I think I need. The folks there are veterans and have been going for quite a few years. How they do it there is one of the members took me to the upstairs library for a one on one beginners meeting. I talked a little, and the lady talked a little and explained the program. She said they found with beginners it's a good way to start and they do this for at least 6 meetings. They all made me feel very welcome.

I was given the book "Courage to Change" which I can pay for next week and a list of phone numbers. It was suggested to make at least one phone call from the list this week, read at least 5 minutes a day from the book and do one nice thing for myself each day. Simple things like a bubble bath, or a favorite fruit or candy bar, get my nails done or a haircut. Whatever, just one nice thing for myself.

When I got home my cell phone was ringing. It had been in my purse and there were three calls from AH on it. I hadn't thought to turn the phone off when I went into the meeting but I never heard that phone ring the entire time I was gone until I came home.

I got the "where have you been" "what are you doing" when I picked up the phone at almost my 9:30 and I told him I went out to get something to eat. He said oh that's good, glad you're eating and hung up. Then he called back again and told me he had come home at 8:00 and was worried when I wasn't there that I might have car trouble or something and it would be ****** nice if I'd bother to give him a call.

Go figure, any other time he'd be mad if I called him that I was checking up on him or say I was getting in his face and stopping all his fun. I stopped calling him long ago when he doesn't come home. I don't understand the big deal tonight that I didn't call him.

After, I called an old friend and talked for a few hours and AH still isn't home. It's the latest he's been out in a very long time. Looks like more trauma drama tonight or maybe he won't come home at all and this can all carry on tomorrow and the next day and the day after that. Oh boy can't wait! God, I'm so sick of it all.

I need to keep going to Al Anon. I hope I can find the courage.

[respektingme]

I've been to two meeting Lady Blue, so I know how you feel. It is difficult to realize that you've finally arrived at a place where there needs to be change. Not knowing what the change will be, but having a good idea, is frightening. I don't know for sure if I'll leave my AH. I am gaining strength in Al-Anon. Strength I need whether I stay or not. I'm rediscovering me, and that part is fun. I'm so glad you went.

[denny57]

Glad to hear it, Lady Blue. When I visit my family in south Jersey I attend meetings. I've noticed the separate beginners meeting some of them do and I really think it's a great idea. It does take courage to walk in the rooms - because it takes courage to make a change. I didn't think I had it, but with so many others believing in me, I came to believe in me, too.

[Rella927]

Great News Lady Blue! I'm in Northern Jersey but do go down to South Jersey alot and the meetings down their I feel more comfortable with than up here. Keep up the good work and the focus on you!

[cmc]

I'm so glad you went and it sounds like a really great bunch of people there. You are off to a good start!

[Lady BlueMiles]

I'm glad to hear you've made it to TWO meetings! Wow. It does make you stronger! I know what you mean but I'm still working out many feelings from last night that I didn't know were there.

Part of my grief and sadness I think is that the action of actually going made me fully realize I still love my husband but hate this disease and how it's destroying him and me and destroying our marriage. If or when I can leave the chaos, I'm leaving the disease and I'm losing him to alcoholism. It feels no different than if I were losing him to cancer, or heart attack, stroke or war or a bad car wreck, or any other tragedy. I never felt that way before. I just hated him period.

There is another meeting near my house tomorrow night. This one is a discussion meeting. I would like to go to that one also. I honestly I don't know if I will go tomorrow or not. I am feeling very good about going to last nights meeting and I don't have any second thoughts about actually going but the next issue I have to face is my own twisted thinking that I can't walk out the door while AH is home and sober without fearing he'll go out and get drunk if I'm not here and come home to another nightmare. He hates to be alone and that's usually what happens. It's like I developed this crazy twisted survival instinct to try and avoid the inevitable. It's ridiculous really to even think it. I need to detach. I need to be able to say I'm going out of the house for an hour or so and leave it at that. If he chooses to go get drunk so be it. His choice. If my fear of being faced with an abuser presents itself over it then I'll just have to deal with that too.

That seems to be what is demanding the most courage of all from me today. It's been a big week for me and I may wait till following Wednesday night for that one and focus on being strong for the Monday night for the next few weeks and getting to know the new friends I've met there. Change is good.

[keepingmyjoy]

Lady Blue, thanks so much for posting this. I went to a meeting years ago, a couple actually. In thinking about it, maybe I was not ready to hear what they had to say! But I am going to my 1st one this week and was nervous. I am glad I am not alone. I too love my husband, the man he used to be, and feel scared. But I think survival is rising above my fear finally.

Keep going and taking care of yourself. You and I sound like we have alot in common. I love your saying by Buddha by the way.

[Lady BlueMiles]

You are not alone!

I love this board and everyone on it! I'm here to stay as long as I have internet connection LOL. (finances are a bit scary lately)

Please keep sharing. It helps us all.

I didn't go to the 2nd meeting tonight close to me and I'm ok with not going this week. I would like to go to at least 2 meetings a week. One location has a focus on the 12 step and one location seems to be discussion. I think there would be so much to be gained from both formats. But one step at a time. This board is a lifesaver too.

I'm still processing my Monday meeting. I'm going to keep myself strong for next Monday and take my next step attending the 2nd location when I feel comfortable. I don't know everyone's names I met yet. It is amazing that one meeting has brought me to so many realizations about myself every day since.

I know this is going to work for me already. I also realize it won't be instant recovery overnight. I have the rest of my life though heh?