How do I deal with my Mother untreated mental illness?

[SeekSobriety]

Hello Everyone, I am having a tough time dealing with my mother who has a undiagnosed mental illness, she is severly depressed all the time, goes to sleep at 6pm everynight, treats my father like ****. Is happy one minute, crazy the next. She refuses to seek treatment. My sister calls me constantly telling me how frustrated she is about how my mother acts towards her, (does not come to see her kids, does not ever help with any of her kids or anything, just quit her job stays home all day and still does not help with anything. The whole family has mental illness that noone will talk about or seek help about. A mentor of mine told me that there are three things in life Gods Business, my business and none of my business. I cannot force my mom or any other family members to get help, I cannot force my dad to try and help her. I just have to sit back on the sidelines and watch all this go down and it hurts me very much to see. It makes me want to drink and use.
What can I do? How do you let go of this?
Any help would be appreciated.
Thanks everyone!

[QU31]

I went through something similar with my mom, although the details are a little different. She is depressed and abuses prescription drugs. The way she lives her life is so foreign to me. Her house is a complete disaster. Sometimes her utilities are turned off. Sometimes she would sleep for a week and then be up for a week, completely manic. I used to bug her about stopping the drug abuse. I worried about her constantly. I was very "concerned." Then I realized I also felt totally ashamed. What if people found out my mom was living like this? What would they think? I would have panic attacks about it and would get panicky about dating a new guy because I knew one day he would have to meet my mom.

Then one day I realized I just had to accept it as it is. I realized my pride (I now consider a character defect of mine) was being injured by her actions and that was really my issue and not hers. I decided I would never bring up the drugs again and told her I would quit harassing her about it. Ever since then, we have a great relationship. I no longer worry about her because I know I am powerless over the choices she makes. I know that my only choice is to trust in the overall plan that her higher power has for her. It's not always easy but I haven't found any other way!

It sounds from your post that you already have realized you are powerless over your mom's actions. Al Anon has helped me a lot. Adult Children of Alcoholics meetings have helped also. You will find suppportive people there who are going through the same things as you. It might help your dad out too.

Believe me, I wish it was easier. Almost everyone around me has a mental disorder and it's rough. Knowing there are others out there going through the same thing helps! Good luck to all of you.

[liveweyerd]

My daughter made an appmt and drug me to the Dr and totally ratted me out. I went looking like a bag lady......it's one of the biggest favors and acts of love ever given me.
I am on meds and functional again.
I will never be normal, but now I am okay.

[QU31]

I ratted my mom out too. We had the same doctor and I told him what she was doing with the prescription he was writing her. He would no longer write it for her, which did help. I drug her other places too. Would try to trick her into going to AA meetings with me. None of it worked.

I am so glad liveweyerd that you got better. It gives me hope because last week we drug my little sister into the mental hospital, and she is in rehab now.

On the other hand, it is very easy to make yourself crazy with repeated futile efforts. If you can't make your mom better, please realize it is not your responsibility.

PS: I have the sister that calls all the time too to talk about how crazy my mom is. I had to tell her I couldn't talk to her about it anymore when I had had enough.....

[MsGolightly]

seek, has your mom ever been to a counselor? if so, would she consider going again? what's holding her back?

[SeekSobriety]

Hi, My mother does "not believe" in counsling or therapy of any kind. As a kid I had lots of problems, ADD, getting in trouble at school etc. I was in therapy but my mother would never attend since she believed they would just blame her for everything. She did attend one session with me about 15 years ago but that was once and per her words she would ever do it again (plus that was a session pretty much dealing with me not her)

[Barbara52]

Involuntary committment is always a possibility. The means of doing that vary from place to place but all places do have a means to do it.

[SeekSobriety]

Hi and thanks for the information,
Involuntary commitment is not a option at this point, the siblings remaining at the house are 18 and over. My mother has not threatened suicide, I think she has a secret prescription drug addiction but I cannot be certain. Either way, there is not much I can do for her except pray and be the best person I can be.

[justjo]

What does your dad think about this? He probably would have an idea of whats really going on here. I wouldnt give up hope. There may be a reason for this behaviour. You said she was depressed alot and sleeping alot, she may have a medical condition and she is using the drugs to avoid it or cover it up. Can you get her doctor to make a house call to see her, or at least get some feedback from the doctor. I knew a family that thought their AS was just a drug addict. He was actually but had developed schitzophrania. (cant spell sorry). He was treated and and living a good life now. The dope just made him worse and covered up the real condition.
Just a thought anyway, Id try to at least get her diagnosed and then at least your mind may be more at ease.
Good Luck

[SeekSobriety]

Thanks for the reply. My mother does not wish to be diagnosed, there is know way we can force her to get help. She is still "functional" and can take care of herself she is just extremely moody, hard to be around and generally unpleasant depending on which moment you have caught her. I guess the real person I feel sorry for the most is my Father, but he is a "big Boy" and if he has a problem with it, he can get help or leave. It is really hard for me to think about either way, I need to just let go.

[Barbara52]

Letting go can be the hardest thing we do.

[QU31]

It can be the hardest thing to do. Ironically, when I let go, that is when I got my mom back....

[prodigal]

My mother died in a type of nursing home that treated people who had various mental illnesses. My mother was schizophrenic for years and refused any sort of treatement. Imagine what "fun" it was growing up in that house. My dad just stayed out of the house a lot and ignored her.

When we FINALLY got my oldest cousin committed, it took a solid year of fighting it in the court system in Delaware. He heard voices, but he was of no threat to himself or others. However, his younger brother persevered and today he is out of the institution, has his own apartment, and functions reasonably well.

It's a real battle to get someone help who does not want it. If you cannot get a person committed, the only thing you can do is to leave them alone. It is a tragedy, and it is painful for the entire family, but sometimes there are no viable options available.