The Dance

[8675309]

I stopped home for lunch yesterday and suddenly received a call from my AH. He had driven by the house and saw my car in the garage. He told me he was looking at rental properties on this side of town so that he can be closer to us (our son and me). He stated that he doesn't like being so far away (accross town). He even told me that he would really like to move back in and sleep in the basement. Oh my gosh, I don't think so. Okay so the motivation, to be closer to us. I will now have new boundries to set so that he doesn't just show up at the doorstep unannounced. I am really enjoying the new found peace in the house.

I told him when he moved out that there was no chance for our relationship if he continued down the drinking path. We have been going to counceling and he has completed an alcohol evaluation where the recommended out patient treatment. He has decided that he would explore this so that he could "cut down" on his drinking. During the phone call, I asked him what his motivation was to do this and learned that it is not for himself at all. He stated that it is because of his love for me. This feels like a continuation of the dance. He doesn't want to quit drinking and that is okay, it is his life. He can do what he wants to do. I also have to do what I have to do for me, keep my boundries strong.

He is doing everything within his power to try to win my affection without facing the issue and it is driving me crazy. I am so tired of doing the dance. I believe I am coming closer to sever the ties completly. Well as completly as I can, my son is also his son. I will not concede to this madness. Like I have seen posted here many times, nothing changes if nothing changes. I do feel somewhat torn though because this is the man I have been with for 17 years (half my life) and he has a good heart. I just don't see him getting any better and his motivations are not for himself. He claims he wants to be a part of the family but I really don't think it is possible for him to know what he really wants when he doesn't even like himself.

I feel like I'm babbling but just needed to vent a little. I am just feeling so frustrated with this whole situation. I'm definately NOT warming up to his half hearted attempts. It just amaizes me how our rhelms of reality are so vastly different. Wow! Thanks for listening.

Jenni

[cagefree]

It's tough.

Mine was a "good boy" too to try to get me back (or at least back in the house) and boy did he resent me for having to give up the love of his life (booze). Thing was, I never asked him to give it up, I only set a boundary. I even told him he could drink as much as he wanted, when he wanted with whomever he wanted...he just couldn't have me too.

Sorry Jenni - this sucks, what you're going through. Sounds like you've had enough.

[respektingme]

Jenni,

It sure doesn't sound like he's getting it. It would be wonderful if he did. But I applaud you for setting your boundaries. The mere fact that you now live away from him and his madness is awesome. I think you'll continue to do what's best for you and your son. Good job listening to yourself.

[CE Girl]

codie/alkie dance,,,oh brother, YUP, I'm familiar,,,

I remember being at the point it became unacceptable and tiring too. So, ok, I know I'm here, now what do I do about it?

I hemmed and hawed "sorting" about a resolution, while STILL doosy dooing around the room with the Dude. Sober for a week, binge the next, sober for two weeks, binge for 3, sober for three weeks, lie, binge, manipulate and control. 1,2,3,,,,1,2,3,,,, he,he,he

Truth was, I knew the answer, just didn't want to face it.

Being the faciliatator of the change in my life. Oh, no!! That meant, I had to admit, I needed help~ SR, Alanon, education on alcoholism and co dependancy and the love of my family and friends helped me to "detach"

Oh, and the "common thread" between our A's? Mine was always doing it for me too

it is driving me crazy.

What are you doing for YOU to end that?

Peace and (((((((jenni))))))

[8675309]

Originally Posted by CE Girl

Truth was, I knew the answer, just didn't want to face it.

This is exactly where I am at this point. I think I do know the answer. Acting on it is a much tougher thing to do then knowing it. I'm working on finding the courage. I'm sure it will come in time. Geesh.

[denny57]

What worked for me: I stopped saying he "has a good heart," which kept me in guilt, and started saying "he's a human being." Saying someone has a good heart, to me, minimized and excused the bad behavior. Acknowledging his god given place on the earth made it easier for me to say take your crap elsewhere.

((()))

[splendra]

((((8675309)))))

What strength!! I wanna be just like you!!!

[prodigal]

We usually figure out at some point that we can't have our cake and eat it too. Active A's might realize that is the case, but they demand their cake and they're determined to eat the whole cake too! Denny was right on the mark with her observations. Seeing it for what it is, and nothing more, allows us to make decisions based on the facts rather than acting on our emotions.

It boils down to the A wanting to drink, while having a partner in his life who will put up with all his crap. Like I said ... the whole cake - all for themselves.

[8675309]

I thank all of you for your support. It really helps me stay grounded and on track. Having an A in your life is tough enough but having to think you are the only one who has experienced the madness would be worse. I am so thankful that I found SR and Al-Anon and also have a supportive family which are no strangers to the issue.

Denny - thanks for the new outlook on looking at him as a human. That does help because the guilt thing is not fun. I know how I feel and shouldn't allow myself to feel guilty about it.

Prodigal - thank you, I think you may know my A. Okay, I know the traits are common accross the board but it helps very much to hear it put into perspective. I don't want to be his cake anymore. I'm tired of putting up with the crap.

[8675309]

Originally Posted by CE Girl

What are you doing for YOU to end that?

CE - What I am doing to end the feeling of going crazy is visiting this site at least once a day, going to Al-Anon when possible, utilizing a counselor, focusing on what makes me happy (most of the time), and taking care of my son, keeping my boundaries strong. I am also working through what is right for my life, not my AH's, that is his responsibility. My life has been dancing around his way too long. That is the best I can do for now.

[dollydo]

One thing I like about having a "dance partner" is that I can change the partner any time I want to.

Sounds like you are heading in the right direction, your son first and foremost.

You will be fine, you have your ducks in a row, heading in the right direction.

[CE Girl]

My life has been dancing around his way too long. That is the best I can do for now

When I first came to SR, this is excatly how I felt. I'm a "newbie" with only 3 months SR time, 6 months alanon time, and 5 months away from my A time. Though, TOTAL no contact is a struggle even today, the longer I am foused on ME, the stronger I've become. And it's the best I can do right now too

This is exactly where I am at this point. I think I do know the answer. Acting on it is a much tougher thing to do then knowing it. I'm working on finding the courage. I'm sure it will come in time. Geesh.

See above,,he,he,he,,,,

Much like the way this simple native hippie chick approaches this thing we call life, its all about the "gradual and natural" for me. I admire people who can make a decision and just DO IT!!! Others, know what they have to do but can't take even the first step, still others, never move from one spot. I sorta "bounce" through life, secure in the knowledge that ultimatly it is the spirits who are in control. If I trust nad believe in them, they will take care of me while guiding me through this mortal life. Hell, their spirits, know a lot more than me!

They showed me the way in the gradual and natural.

Awareness and admission to being powerless over the disease is the first step

You have taken that.

Now its up to you to put it in the hands of something other than yourself.

You'll soon be able "do" what you are thinking,,,

((((((((Jenni)))) Stay Strong

Peace