chero

My AH has been sending me text msgs ever since I moved out. I can tell by the tone and words if he is drinking when he sends them. And Saturday was a bad night for him based on those msgs.

So Sunday started out with him sending lovey-dovey texts and I responded even though I probably shouldn't have. I just hate the back and forth between love and hate. So I asked if he was being nice today. It made him so mad.

Well, I figured since I'd already made him mad I'd let him know I wanted a divorce. I haven't heard so much as a peep from him since.

So, here's the thing. Someone told me that it's better if I file for the divorce, but I would rather he did because I don't want to mess with it. Which okay, even I'll admit sounds awful of me.

But does it really matter who files?? Is it better that I do or better that he does?

Rella927

(((CHERO)))) Honey...I have learned that if you truly want something in life sometimes it is better that you go ahead and do it yourself. Maybe you are waiting for him to do it because you truly may not be ready to follow through with this.

No you probably should not have text him back because that only starts the emotions rolling again-but you did so let it go now and try not to dwell on that!

You say that you let him know you want a divorce, so now stand tall and go file!

Barbara52

Legally, it doesn't matter who files in most states and most circumstances. If you are going to be filing fordivorce using grounds along the lines of abuse, etc, then it obviously has to be you to file. No fault (or whatever they call them) divorces, it doesn't matter.

For me, I will be the one to file when that time comes simply because its part of me taking action to improve my life.

CE Girl

Ok, sista,,,ready?

Cause you know I'm gonna tell you what I think,,,,he,he,he

Your testing the waters

Been there, done that myself.

I look back at how I started here on SR, so many "baby steps" to get to where I am today. And Girl, I got a LONG way to go. One of the things I do, is "test the waters". Think things to myself through my recovery like "I have to put this behind me" to sorting through them, to finally saying them. One they past my lips, I "test" it for a bit till it finally becomes an action.

Its like the turtle poking his head outta the shell. the minute someone/something approaches, it burys its head again.

I equate this statement to sticking your head back in the shell,,,

Your doing good girl,,you'll get there,,,

Peace

Astro

I don't know whether it really matters who files for it first, but this alcoholic can say for sure that if my ex waited for me to do it she'd still be waiting. My life was in enough turmoil and I wasn't about to add anymore fuel to the fire. I don't think either of really wanted to "mess with it" but getting through it was a lot easier than prolonging the hurt and pain, and in the end it almost became a 50/50 effort.

About those text messages- I got away with using that as a weapon for a few months, she squashed it in one evening with a restraining order. In recovery I'm still learning to not react or respond to texts, calls, and emails.

Rella927

I love when our A's chime in! Astro-it helps us so much too see posts with such honesty and heartfelt guidance on all of our paths to a healthy life!

chero

Well, Astro, I was sure hoping for a different response. Maybe I will have to be the one to do it. Maybe, I will.
I think I'm ready. I'm just tired of putting so much energy and thought into this relationship that seems so doomed anyway. I mean if he hasn't quit drinking...for that matter if he says he has and he isn't doing anything to get help....what's the point of hanging on.

I feel like I need to move on and that maybe this is the way to force myself to do it.

I do still wish he'd be the one to file. From my desk at the courthouse I have a clear view of our attorney's office and I will admit my eye has been scanning the parking lot all morning for his vehicle.

But, if Astro's right I might as well give up the scan and make the call myself.

dollydo

Could it be that you want to be able to say "He divorced me"?

Chero, it really is your responsibility if you want the divorce. And, generally speaking you will be in a better position if you file.

If you wait for him, most likely it won't happen...he's too busy drinking.

Again I say "No Contact", why do you keep putting yourself through this insanity?

hadenoughnow

A repeating theme in "Getting them Sober" is how difficult it really is to "lose" an A. If you want to get a divorce you will probably have to file yourself.

Astro

Sorry chero, the people-pleaser in me hoped to give you exactly the response you wanted to hear;-) Lol

It's been pointed out to me in the last few months, and I can see it clearly now, that I live in a box, a very safe and comfortable zone for me, my children, and anyone else who wishes to enter. I lived in that same box when I drank, and I retreated even further into it when my ex suggested a divorce. I wasn't about to stick even a toe out of that box into an uncomfortable space, I was quite happy numbing myself with alcohol, thinking that everything would be just fine as long as I didn't stir the pot.

Mr. Christian

File File File.

Change your darn number and stop giving into the drama. Unless you live for it.
Do you?

chero

Oh, Mr. C! No! I don't live for it. At least I hope I don't. I don't feel like I'm giving into the drama. I didn't feel any drama from his texts...just weariness from it all. Funny thing, Mr. C, now that you mention the drama I really don't remember the last time I felt that drama pull.

If I was in the middle of it I didn't realize it. I mean, I didn't do the things I normally would have done. I didn't cry. I didn't call him. I didn't check up on him. I didn't do anything that I used to do when I was "giving in."

You know, I thought I did the right thing by telling him that I wanted a divorce but this thread has me all confused. It was a hard thing for me to admit to him that I wanted an end to this mess. I don't know why I feel like I'm moving in slow motion through all these decisions!? But at least I'm still moving, right!?

On another note...you are all right. It's going to have to be me that files. At least I learned THAT hard lesson quickly this time.

prodigal

Chero, you ARE moving forward in a positive direction and getting your ducks in a row, but you are still into the drama. I noticed the words, "weariness from it all," and "this thread has me all confused." He's not twisting you into knots (which is somewhat dramatic, isn't it?). You alone are becoming weary, thus still buying into some of his crap and allowing it to tire you. Confused? Nahhhh, I don't think so. You are doubting your own decisions. Hey, I do the same thing.

But I think you've gotten far enough along to realize you have doggie poo stuck to the bottom of your shoe. Now you have to be proactive and clean it off. See? Clean shoe! Please believe me, I'm not comparing your AH to dog doo, but all the drama, chaos, insanity, and his seeming inability to let go are kinda like stuck-to-the-shoe-poo.

If I waited for my AH to divorce me, I'd be waiting for the world to end. You cannot expect someone who sits on their behind avoiding life by getting trashed all the time to make enough effort to face the reality that their marriage is ending.

End it. You know you deserve a decent life. Grieve the loss. But cut your losses and leave him to sink or swim. P.S. - You WILL get the stony silent treatment when you say the word "divorce." They don't care to know they're losing their hold. It is very sad, but very true.

cagefree

Mine won't leave me alone either, and I have yet to respond to any of his calls and delete the messages before I hear anything (you'd think he'd get the message). As soon as my stinking nextel contract is up, I'm switching to another carrier and another number. If I get one more call, I'll pay the stupid fee and change it anyway. Heck, why wait? Today's as good a day as any...

Yes hadenoughnow - tough to be rid of them, even when they try to be rid of you, they come back. He's the one who kicked me out of his life. His weapon is his cell phone.

Chero - you know that period of time when you are having fun or engrossed in something where you "forget" the crap and the drama? Like how you spent your 4th before he asked you to make supper for him.

Imagine ALL THE TIME being like that. No drama. Yeah - no contact - it's like that.