What is your definition of Co-Dependency?

[AskingWhy]

How do you define co-dependency? What is it that makes you co-dependent? What "qualities" of co-dependency do you have?

I feel like I'm very co-dependent. I have a hard time being apart from AW, even though I know a lot of times when we are together we are going to fight....or I am going to be watching her drink into oblivion.

But, I find myself asking if she's with someone else, ,,, if they are drinking....what if she drinks, gets trashed and then ends up with someone else...or gets pulled over for DUI...or worse yet smashes her car and ends up dead? If that signifies co-dependencey, then I'm all eat up with it.

[best]

Enabling.
Doing for others what they can and should do for themself.
Waffling on boundaries.
Controling.

Caring about another is not co-dependant.

You say her car...in her name?
If you were to take the plates and stop the insurance if it is in your name...
What drives a person to do such would say if they are co-dependant.
If taking the plates and insurance to protect self from anothers poor choices...that would be a boundary. If doing so trying to manipulate and outcome...that could be seen as co-dependant.

[Astro]

I wasn't able to define it on my own, denial kept my eyes shut, so every week I try to attend a CoDA meeting where this is read-

Patterns and Characteristics Of Codependency
These patterns and characteristics are offered as a tool to aid in self-evaluation. They may be particularly helpful to newcomers. - lists behaviors and characteristics that are common to people suffering from codependency.

Denial Patterns:
· I have difficulty identifying what I am feeling.
· I minimize, alter or deny how I truly feel.
· I perceive myself as completely unselfish and dedicated to the well being of others.

Low Self Esteem Patterns:
· I have difficulty making decisions.
· I judge everything I think, say or do harshly, as never "good enough."
· I am embarrassed to receive recognition and praise or gifts.
· I do not ask others to meet my needs or desires.
· I value others' approval of my thinking, feelings and behavior over my own.
· I do not perceive myself as a lovable or worthwhile person.

Compliance Patterns:
· I compromise my own values and integrity to avoid rejection or others' anger.
· I am very sensitive to how others are feeling and feel the same.
· I am extremely loyal, remaining in harmful situations too long.
· I value others' opinions and feelings more than my own and am afraid to express differing opinions and feelings of my own.
· I put aside my own interests and hobbies in order to do what others want.
· I accept sex when I want love.

Control Patterns:
· I believe most other people are incapable of taking care of themselves.
· I attempt to convince others of what they "should" think and how they "truly" feel.
· I become resentful when others will not let me help them.
· I freely offer others advice and directions without being asked.
· I lavish gifts and favors on those I care about.
· I use sex to gain approval and acceptance.
· I have to be "needed" in order to have a relationship with others.

[lostnfound1961]

Well Astro, You have described me to a tee.
Often when I am not with my husband, maybe out shopping with my sister, I feel like I am going to be in trouble when I get home. Pay for the good time I had without him. I feel like I have to check in. Somehow make him part of what I am doing. I also avoid doing things or being with people I love because he doesn't like them.

He has even said it several times in the last months. WE don't want the same things, so why keep going?...... (BECAUSE I CAN'T LET GO!!) I tell him he is wrong and I want what he wants and I don't need to do those things I used to love to do. I sit and dream about going places without him and know it would be a wonderful time but yet...... I can't do it.

To stay in a relationship that makes you cry way more than it makes you smile EVEN when you know there is another person who loves you and who makes your heart smile at just the thought of them, not to mention because they say AND do things to show their love. Real honest love.

When you stay and pretend it's all ok....... that my dear friends is co-dependent.

[anvilhead]

people addiction.........

[Astro]

Originally Posted by lostnfound1961

Well Astro, You have described me to a tee

Yet one more reminder that I'm not so freakin' unique after all;-)

[queenteree]

I always thought I was co-dependent, but reading the patterns now is making me doubt I am, but then - what am I????

Denial Patterns:
· I have difficulty identifying what I am feeling. NOT ME
· I minimize, alter or deny how I truly feel. NOT ME
· I perceive myself as completely unselfish and dedicated to the well being of others. YES DEFINITELY MY OPINION OF MYSELF!!!!

Low Self Esteem Patterns:
· I have difficulty making decisions. SOMETIMES
· I judge everything I think, say or do harshly, as never "good enough." NOT ME
· I am embarrassed to receive recognition and praise or gifts. NOT ME
· I do not ask others to meet my needs or desires. NOT ME
· I value others' approval of my thinking, feelings and behavior over my own. DON'T CARE WHAT OTHERS THINK.
· I do not perceive myself as a lovable or worthwhile person. I KNOW I'M LOVABLE AND RAH AND FAMILY ARE LUCKY TO HAVE ME.

Compliance Patterns:
· I compromise my own values and integrity to avoid rejection or others' anger. NOPE, DON'T CARE IF OTHERS GET ANGRY OR REJECT ME, WHO NEEDS THEM???
· I am very sensitive to how others are feeling and feel the same. NOT REALLY.
· I am extremely loyal, remaining in harmful situations too long. YES AT TIMES
· I value others' opinions and feelings more than my own and am afraid to express differing opinions and feelings of my own. I ALWAYS SPEAK MY MIND AND FEEL MY FEELINGS AND OPINIONS ARE JUST AS IMPORTANT AS THE NEXT PERSON'S.
· I put aside my own interests and hobbies in order to do what others want. NO, ONLY TO HELP SOMEONE. BUT MOST PEOPLE GET ANGRY WITH ME WHEN I WON'T PUT ASIDE SOMETHING FOR THEM.
· I accept sex when I want love. NOPE - I KNOW THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN SEX AND LOVE.

Control Patterns:
· I believe most other people are incapable of taking care of themselves. YES.
· I attempt to convince others of what they "should" think and how they "truly" feel. ALL THE TIME, BUT WORKING ON IT!
· I become resentful when others will not let me help them. NOT AT ALL, WISH THEY DIDN'T WANT MY HELP.
· I freely offer others advice and directions without being asked. ALL THE TIME BUT WORKING ON IT.
· I lavish gifts and favors on those I care about. NOPE, I'M CHEAP!
· I use sex to gain approval and acceptance. AGAIN, NO, DON'T NEED TO USE SEX TO GAIN APPROVAL AND ACCEPTANCE.
· I have to be "needed" in order to have a relationship with others. NO, CAUSE I DON'T WANT TO BE NEEDED.

So, what am I then????? Just a control freak????

[PaperDolls]

Thanks for this post. I don't really have an answer for you AskingWhy. I'm still trying to figure this all out myself. For myself, I went through and marked the patterns that I can identify with.

Patterns and Characteristics Of Codependency
These patterns and characteristics are offered as a tool to aid in self-evaluation. They may be particularly helpful to newcomers. - lists behaviors and characteristics that are common to people suffering from codependency.

Denial Patterns:
· I have difficulty identifying what I am feeling.
· I minimize, alter or deny how I truly feel.
· I perceive myself as completely unselfish and dedicated to the well being of others.

Low Self Esteem Patterns:
· I have difficulty making decisions.
· I judge everything I think, say or do harshly, as never "good enough."
· I am embarrassed to receive recognition and praise or gifts.
· I do not ask others to meet my needs or desires.
· I value others' approval of my thinking, feelings and behavior over my own.
· I do not perceive myself as a lovable or worthwhile person.

Compliance Patterns:
· I compromise my own values and integrity to avoid rejection or others' anger.
· I am very sensitive to how others are feeling and feel the same.
· I am extremely loyal, remaining in harmful situations too long.
· I value others' opinions and feelings more than my own and am afraid to express differing opinions and feelings of my own.
· I put aside my own interests and hobbies in order to do what others want.
· I accept sex when I want love.

Control Patterns:
· I believe most other people are incapable of taking care of themselves.
· I attempt to convince others of what they "should" think and how they "truly" feel.
· I become resentful when others will not let me help them.
· I freely offer others advice and directions without being asked.
· I lavish gifts and favors on those I care about.
· I use sex to gain approval and acceptance.
· I have to be "needed" in order to have a relationship with others.

[lostnfound1961]

Queen,
I don't think all of us fit all of the items listed as co-depenent issues. In my case, I will cut you to the qwick and tell you how it is whether you like it or not, at times I will do that with my husband if mad enough, BUT in my case, it is the people who I need to care the most that I tip toe around and sacrafise my self for. I am in so meny ways independent in my thinking and actions but when it comes to my husband..... I do everything my mom did. I hated that she put up with such **** from my dad and yet I pick a man a lot like him and do the same thing.

As for the sex thing..... I too know the difforance betweek sex and love but a lot of codependence (such as my self) settle for sex in place of love. We play this strange game of tug of war. I want controle, but I give it up. Don't try to controle me because I need to controle you. I'll fix it all by controleing everything, right down to my response and the feelings feel.

That is one of the things that makes me most crazy. My husband has no real controle over me and I know that. I am the one who is playing the controle game with my own head. I can tell anyone else to back off, but I don't say a word to him.... I just do, or cry, or get angry and post. The simple anwer is to tell him NO or what ever the correct response is and stick to it. As much as I try to hide it from my self..... I know what the truth is and I know what I need to do to be happy. But what I know and what I do are not the same.

[guineapigjude]

For me codependency is ALL about settling. Not setting boundaries in my life. Being convinced I can make things better, that it is my responsibility to make things better, that it is my responsibility to do pretty much everything, and settling for that. Being made to believe that when things go right, they go right. When they go wrong, it's my fault, and settling for that.. Feeling out of control, settling for a life desperate for control. Settling for a destructive relationship because it seemed better than the alternative.
Now I am starting to ask for more out of life, not to settle for less than satisfactory circumstances ~ I'm beginning to believe I deserve more.

[Spiritual Seeker]

For me it is giving unsolicited advice. I have heard a couple of metaphors to remind me not to do that: 1) Stay out of their sandbox 2) Imagine using a hoola-hoop and only be concerned with the space inside yours and of course 3) listen & learn

[cagefree]

Most of the items in this "checklist" were not apparent to me until after I had done some work on myself.

I could give a time when I exhibited a codie behaviour and another when I did the exact opposite.

For example, "I have problems identifying what I am feeling". Literally this statement never applied to me. But when I really dug underneath the layers of denial, I realized that I would examine what others were feeling and how they reacted before I decided what I was feeling. So, I "knew" what I was feeling - it was what the person I was with was feeling. But hardly ever did I give weight to what MY feelings were, thus they were left unexamined, invalidated - like a shopper who sees yesterday's expiration date on a milk carton and goes back in for another.

I would suggest reading "Codependent No More" by melody beattie. I swear they wrote it about me.

[AskingWhy]

When you stay and pretend it's all ok....... that my dear friends is co-dependent.

WOW. To me that says it all...clearly.

[kglast]

like the people addiction definition too....i am just beginning to realize how addicted i am/was to xaf and other men in my life before him...just scratching the surface, i think....

[ICU]

Great list Astro! It reads like my bio!

I 'was' in so much denial that if I had read this thread a couple of years ago, I would have denied it's existance!!

[BigGirlPanties]

When the thought of the man I love being out of my life.....and I cannot breathe....


thats what co-dependency is to me.

He is addicted to alcohol. I am addicted to him.
Alcohol is his oxygen.
He is mine.

[pineapple2007]

ive been in 2 serious relations this far in my life. my first was an emotionally detached guy...totally messed me up. i was displaying ALL of those characteristics and patterns listed. ALL OF THEM. Took a big step and left him.



Then I met XAB. and from the moment I met him... I automatically had those feelings of comfort and familiarity being with someone unhealthy. Yup. those 2 feelings i guess that is what co-de is to me. those feelings are so strong though... Even lately I think about the relationship I had with XAB and I get a burst of warm fuzzy feeling inside because of how comfortable it was....



Also, being around someone who is clearly healthy and thinking "Naa can't be with him!" or being at a social function wondering "Hmmm... who looks like they need my help?" Or hearing that a guy feels he is insecure or has low self esteem and thinking "awww... Im interested!"



I was-and never again will be - one of those who used sex to control. Coz I had sex with my 2 exs our second date....pretty sad I know. I am really ashamed. Then later in these relationships I knew it was wrong but i also knew I messed it up from the beginning so I just remained in the relationship. But I will ever do that again. EVER EVER EVER! really. now that I am alone.. i am going to work my ass off on myself and uproot all those characteristics of a co-de that I still display.

[respektingme]

Co-Dependency for me is putting more faith in the opinions of everyone else rather than trusting my gut. That includes believing my AH when he has been overly critical (and drunk), believing my stepmother, my mother, my mother-in-law (all overbearing and controlling) and even friends. It's always been about me looking to everyone else for answers and not taking the time to listen to myself.

[Earthworm]

Just being totally addicted to the active A in my life. Not able to live unless totally focussed on them.


Earthworm

[jimhere]

Being self-seeking when trying to be kind. Being "nice" when the underlying motive is manipulative. Wanting someone else to change so that I'll feel better. Placing my emotional security & well-being in someone else's hands.

To sum it up-selfish & self-centered.
Jim