staying in touch with destructive family

[jennchip]

To make a long story short, my mother-in-law is in denial...denial...denial!

My husband (her son) is a drug and alcohol addict. He is currently in Intensive Outpatient Treatment and doing great!

He has come a long way, from denying his addiction to fully acknowledging it and embracing the recovery process.

Our problem is this. I had to court order my husband into treatment because the addiction was destroying his life. His mother refuses to acknowledge that he is an addict or that I saved his life. I am not making any contact with her until she does so, even keeping her from seeing our children (her grandkids). My husband is making very little contact. This is really hard for her to fathom. She continues to play the victim. She refuses to try talking to me at all by saying that I have hurt her by keeping the kids from her.

I am very angry with her because of her role that she played in my husbands addiction/treatment. She helped me start the court order process by promising to be strong and support me. After he was placed into detox, she turned her back on me. The night my husband got out of detox, I found out that she drank alcohol with him. She has continued to do this (drink alcohol with him) through his treatment up until about 3 weeks ago when my husband had a revelation and started his actual recovery. I don't want her to cause problems for him during his recovery.

All I want for her to do is take this serious. I feel as long as she does not support what he does and we do, she does not need to be a part of our lives.

Yesterday, my husband asked her to attend "family weekend" through his treatment program. It is not for a few more weeks, so she has plenty of time to plan for it. I will be attending also. She said yes. However, today when they talked, she said that after talking to her immediate family (????), she cannot attend the family weekend. My husband is hurt by this, but he is strong and knows that he has me for support.

Am I wrong for cutting off contact from her?

[jillybean]

I can understand what you are feeling jennchip.

For most of my adult life, I stayed in the distructive workings of my own family. My parents weren't alcoholics but my mother grew up in an alcoholic home . She was/is a very mentally ill woman who I nearly killed myself to please.

No amount of anything I did was good enough or right. It helped me to become naive to the workings of predatory people. I dislike the word codependent so I rarely use it. I own my issues. The label just doesn''t sit right with me.

My friends and romantic partners were all abusive. My current relationship is with an A. I had never been with an A in this way before in my life. I have to say that being with him has been the most concentrated torment I have ever lived through as compared to the people of my past. I made another attempt at ending it today and am working on no contact myself. I know how hard it is when we doubt our decisions and wonder if we are the ones who are wrong.

Having given some of my history, I say you are not wrong for having no contact. You are blessed in that your husband is on your side. My A refuses to take off the rose colored glasses and see the truth about his family. His ex and his parents are all active A's as are his former friends and his eldest was put on permanent probation for getting drunk within the first month of college. One more time and they will expel. He refuses to have no contact so he can really face himself and work at being sober. That is one huge reason why I said enough.

I have found that most people cannot fathom how walking away from toxic people no matter what the ties or connection is the only choice one can make to have the life , health and happiness you need to create in your life. I have cut contact with my mother and others in my life who were not healthy for me. Being blood relatives doesn't give anyone the right to abuse or be toxic to their own kin.

Your mother-in-law has already given you way more that justification on why your no contact is a healthy choice for your family. Please don't let anyone shake your judgment because unless they are in your shoes, they have no idea what is best.

Also, please don't let her guilt tactics get to you. It sounds like if she were to actually support you, she would have to face her addiction issues and she isn't willing to do that.

IMHO, you are 1000% right in keeping the ones who are not doing anything but causing trouble far from your attempts to work on what is best for you family. You are also helping your children learn how to set boundaries and not put up with harmful, destructive behavior. It is a gift that will make a huge difference in the years to come.

I wish you all the best.

[minnie]

As far as his mother is concerned, it's not your recovery, it's his.

What are you doing to assist you with the effects of his drinking?

[Sav]

It's not unusual for a parent to feel this way.

This is the son she gave birth to, raised, reared, taught everything she knows.

And now he's an alchoholic, who nearly destroyed his life.

For her, she probably feels she's the ultimate failure. His sickness and failures in life reflect on her. She's probably thinking;

He can't be an alchoholic! What kind of mother would I be to raise an alchoholic! He's just...sensitive! It must be her (your) fault! Besides, I drink! I've drunk with him! And I CAN'T be an alchoholic!"

See where this is going? I don't know if you can do this, but if you can try to make her see that his problem doesn't mean she's failed as a mother (I'm NOT saying this is true, by the way) then maybe she can come to terms with all this.

There's also the fear that she may be an alchoholic as well. Alot of people who drink socially (alchoholic or not) feel uneasy around recovering alchoholics. It makes them look at their own drinking in a way they'd rather not.

I think this is the main reason people like her give recovering alchoholics alchohol. They want to *show* them that they aren't alchoholics, that they can handle it, and by association, that means they aren't too. This is especially true in her case. By getting him to drink, she's trying to *force him* to prove he isn't an alchoholic, and therefore, she isn't a failure as a mother.

I hope this helps, whether or not it fits what's going on. It may not make her easier to deal with, but understanding a person's fears can go along way towards forgiving them their behaviors, and bringing peace to your own soul.

[respektingme]

jennchip,

I had to reread the beginning of your post. Wondered if I wrote it myself and simply forgot. I think psycho mother-in-laws are 10X worse to deal with than a psycho mother because they can stay in your life if your A doesn't cut them out. Kudos to you for keeping her away from you guys right now.

Here is something that is difficult to swallow, but I presume that your MIL benefits from your A drinking. I know mine does. She said she was going to visit us in 2 weeks and I told my A that it wasn't a good time. He just started intensive outpatient therapy like your A, and I'm going to Al-Anon. We've both only been doing this for 2 weeks. But if she came, he'd drink and I'd get furious. Or the temptation would be there for sure.

My MIL would never acknowledge even to herself that she wants him to keep drinking. But when he's drinking, he resents me and he looks to her for reassurance. She LOVES to be the martyr, the one in control, the matriarch, the savior. She always wants to be the center of attention. So the more he drinks, the more he NEEDS her. If he sobers up, he may realize that he doesn't need her. In fact, he may realize that she was the cause of his abusive upbringing and put her on hold himself. She uses his resentment towards me to get what she wants. "Awww, poor son, she is such a slob. You know, I haven't seen the grandkids in a few months, why don't you bring them here." In the past, he insisted to me that she get whatever she wanted. She makes him obligated to her.

Two of her sisters, who don't even know me, have called individually to ask me if some of the junk they were hearing about me was true. MIL had twisted and created stuff about me and turned the entire family against me, including my own 3 stepdaughters.

A was in too much drunk thinking to realize he was creating hell for himself. If his entire family hates me, what makes him think I want them around???? I don't!!!

He claims not to have said anything bad about me in a few years. Who knows. I haven't spoken to MIL since Thanksgiving. The last lie.... she warned all of their family members not to give our children any gifts because I sell them on Ebay. The woman is insane.

So, bottom line is this. Your MIL must be benefitting from your A drinking. The fact that she drank with him must mean she wants to hang on to the alcoholic. I know it sounds sick, but I truly believe it. Keep her away from all of you until you both have grown in your programs. I feel like a babe right now myself in it all. I certainly don't feel equipped to handle my MIL visiting without wanting to throw her in a wood chipper.

BTW, her father was an abusive alcoholic and her mother was an insane clean freak. Hmmmmm, wonder if her dad was using the old "defensive offense" with the mother. Now my MIL is a clean freak!!!! Guess she didn't learn much. She freaks at the sight of dust. Her husband (not A's father) is an alcoholic. She's comfortable in her role, at least enough not to want to seek out change.

Sorry so long. Keep your MIL away. I don't know how long I'll be able to keep mine away. A is sober and accepted that I don't want her here right now, but that was a first. I'm learning to set boundaries, and that feels good.

[respektingme]

Originally Posted by Sav

See where this is going? I don't know if you can do this, but if you can try to make her see that his problem doesn't mean she's failed as a mother (I'm NOT saying this is true, by the way) then maybe she can come to terms with all this.

I think this post was great about making the relation between the mother's feeling of failure and the son's drinking. I don't know much about Al-Anon because I just started attending meetings. But I've been on another board for over 10 years that deals with stepfamily and inlaw issues. If this MIL is acting out, I don't think jennchip is going to change her mind. Her own son may help out, but I think jennchip is opening the door for blame if she tries to convince MIL that it wasn't her fault. She'd likely be met with, "I know it's not, it's your fault" of some ridiculous attitude. Until the MIL can act rationally and in the best interest of her own son, I believe the daughter-in-law should stay away from her. The word we use is "disengaging", but it helps when dealing with nutty family members. The whole situation is too volatile right now to invite MIL in the middle of the mess with her twisted way of thinking. Would likely cause more chaos for jennchip and her A during a time of recovery. I'm in the exact situation she is in with my A. 2 weeks into therapy. I feel like we're a cinderbox. Everything is going great right now, but it could all go very wrong with the wrong set of circumstances.