When a Loved One Dies, it Splits Your Life in Two

[FormerDoormat]

I'm doing my best to move forward one day at a time. Trying to get used to life without Richard. I miss him terribly. As I mentioned previously, what I find the most difficult is the fact that my cell phone never rings any more. Besides my daughter, Richard was the only one who called me on it. I used to keep it my by bed so I could grab it easily when he called to day goodnight. I still leave it there every night. Seems strange to do otherwise. Now it just sits there in silence.

I need to pack up Richard's clothes and donate them to charity. But it seems a bit early to do that. Although it's been about six weeks since he died, he hasn't even been laid to rest yet due to delays in determining the exact cause of his death. His funeral will be held next week. So perhaps after that, I'll muster up the courage to pack his things. But the sight of an empty closet and empty dresser drawers breaks my heart. With his things still there, I can fool myself that he's not gone--at least for a while. But then reality floods back, and I realize he's gone.

I know one day the pain will ease, as I've lost loved ones before, but never a life partner. I know life will be good again and my sadness will lift, but from the moment I received the phone call about his death, I knew life would never be the same. When a loved one dies, it splits your life in two. It's both an ending and a beginning. After the loss of a loved one, we seem to recount our lives using their death as a milestone an often find ourselves saying "before Richard died" and "after Richard died."

I don't want his death to mark a turning point in my life. I want to celebrate what was good about him. And there was so much that was good about him. Alcoholism was just a small part of who he was. I don't want him to be remembered as an alcoholic. I want folks to remember him the way I prefer to remember him: quiet and shy, gentle and kind, sweet and caring. I want folks to picture him in his glorified body, which is as it should be.

[Earthworm]

((((((((((((((((((((FormerDoorMat)))))))))))))))))


Earthworm

[thejig]

Sorry to hear that you are hurting so. You will go thru the clothes when you are ready. I still wear my sister, Sheila's clothes sometimes, or jewelry....it just makes me feel closer to her....there are some things I will never get rid of....and that's OK.
Prayers to you,
Jig

[Godhelpme]

When you're ready, as you're ready, you'll do what ever is needed and you'll find the strength to carry out the tasks at hand. It won't be 'easy', of course....nothing about losing a loved one is easy or simple. It's a process...even letting go in death is a process. One of the more difficult ones we're faced with in life, sometimes way too much.

You'll always recall the essence of who Richard was (and still is). And so it should be.

Please, when you feel up to it, share with us the Richard you knew....the gentle and kind and sweet and caring person you loved (and still love) so much. It would be a wonderful tribute to him.

Peace to you (((((FD))))

~ghm

[lilac]

(((FD)))

When you are ready to go through the clothes and stuff, you will. Until then be gentle with your self.

[DesertEyes]

I'm with the other on this, Jill. Take as long as you need with his belongings. This is the time for you to heal and not for pushing anything.

If the cell phone is causing you stress then move it. Put it in a different part of the room. Richard no longer needs a cell phone to tell you he loves you. He will be in your heart forever. Get a new cell phone if that helps, and donate the old one to a woman's shelter, they're alwyas looking for those.

You can choose how you remember Richard. And yes, I totally agree that you should remember him for the good in him, not for some disease he didn't want. I remember all the people I have lost because of the good in them, not because of the disease they suffered from.

I know Richard was among the best of men because of the woman that loved him. I never met him, but I know I would have held him in deepest respect. I would have been honored to call him my friend. I know all this because of who loved him. He was a wonderful guy, and I will remember him that way.

thank you so much for sharing him with me, Jill, and for reminding me that my ex-wife was once like Richard. I remember her as the wonderful, kind and compasionate woman I married. Her name is Susan.

Have a big

Mike

[embraced2000]

sweety, you have had to mourn richard twice in your lifetime...once to his addiction, and once to his actual physical death. as prepared as we think we may be for the latter, we can never be prepared enough to cushion the blow.

you were able to find comfort that the man you loved was still out there, somewhere, in an apt., taking his next breath of life, and able to make phone calls. that's what we are left with, at times, with this horrible addiction.

i pray that now you will be able to find supreme comfort that he is released from those worldly chains that bound him to misery.

13 years ago, i lost my fiance to cancer. after awhile, he started coming to me in dreams......they were wonderful and i found so much comfort in those dreams. he was whole, and so happy, and kept telling me not to be so sad...and he would keep coming to me until i was ok. in these dreams, we would be shoeing horses, or working the tobacco, or plowing fields....things we used to do. he would say, i need to go now, but you keep that beautiful smile on your face....i'll always be back when you need me.

these dreams fed me for so long. and i can't begin to tell you the comfort they brought to me.....and a new belief.

when i wanted to have these dreams, i would pray for them in my prayers at night.

i know this all sounds way out there, but, jill, i swear, (and i swear i am not a nutty person) these dreams were like a huge, cozy, comfort wrapped around my heart and mind......they helped me. i still feel that he helped me grieve.

much love to you
jeri

[cagefree]

((((fd))))

[parentrecovers]

support to you, k

[Japic05]

For me, there is no "set" way to grieve the loss of my loved ones - You do what is healthy & best for you.

Honor your dear beloved, Richard, as you feel you should - you know you have the support here you need.

((Former Doormat))

Rita

[Rella927]

Jill hon take as much time as you need-you will feel inside of you when the time is right! Do not allow anyone even yourself to push you into doing something that you are not ready for! It can take you a week, a year, five years or 20 for that matter.

When my husband passed away-I felt as if my world came crashing down on me-I had people saying things to me left and right as the weeks went on-"Why don't you do this?" "Why don't you sell the house" blah blah-see the mean well but they do not know what is inside of us and how we feel. My mother said to one of my friends at my husbands viewing that "Rella needs to move on and get her life in order". People will say all kinds of things but IMHO and my own expierence take as much time as you need!

I have a box with my husbands name on it (a rubber maid container thingy) It took me 3 years before I actually cleaned out his clothes etc....I placed my fondest memories including a favorite shirt of his in this box-i.e. cards, pictures (that are not in the scrapbook) etc....I keep this box in the closet and when I want to feel closer to him-at any moment I would and still sometimes do pull this box out-it has helped me heel over the years! Now after putting our dog down ...I will put a box in his box of treasured things of her.

I love what Mike said in regards to the cell phone! Richard loves you and he will always find ways to let you know that-make that cell phone a special phone and let it help others such as Mike suggested.

It is what is in your heart that you will keep the grandest of memories of Richard-tucked away in a corner where no one can touch-

(((JILL))) take as much time as you need! Please do not rush anything-it is not set in stone when we have to do things-we do things when it is right for us! Be very gentle with yourself!

[splendra]

((((FD)))))

I can see that (((((Richard))))) will be remembered for how he was because that is how you knew him to be and I sure that others remember him that way as well.

I am glad that you are posting because grief shared is grief divided. Let us stay apart of that....

[BBQBOY]

My thoughts and prayers are with you during this trying time. Thank you for sharing your experience with us, it is very helpful to me personally. As a recovering A, I need constant reminders that my disease and actions affect not only me, but all those I love......... Your words have a direct impact on my continued recovery...Thank you again.....Ned