Married to a Functional Alcoholic

[kelliNY]

I am married to a "functional" Alcoholic. I have been married for 25 years with two grown children 22 and 24. His drinking has gotten progressively worse as are the side effects. I have never talked to anyone about this but lately am beginning to feel depressed and feel I need support and someone to talk to . I feel our marriage has suffered because of his drinking and I have a difficult time being intimate when he is always drunk. I would estimate that he drinks about a case plus of beer a day...which begins with 1-2 drinks in the am before he goes to work. He goes to bars every night before coming home drunk around 9 or 10 pm. This is not a new topic of discussion in our house....He goes into an aboslute fit of RAGE when I mention his drinking. When drinking he is verbally abusive to me . He has memory loss, sleep distubances, tardiness to work etc etc. He accomplishes nothing. When I even bring up AA or counseling he turns on me , calls me horrible names, insults me and then in the am has no idea what he said or did. I am at my wits end and am seriously thinking of leaving. I am depressed, anxious and quite frankly very lonely. I am tired of the insults, the battles, and the blame he throws onto me. I am tired of the smell of alcohol as I try to sleep at night. He also has OCD which has gotten worse . He refuses to get help and has never gone 1 day without drinking , even after major surgery with anesthesia and beign on high does of narcotics and other medication. I do not want to leave him ...but am seriously considering this if he wont get professional help.

[anvilhead]

welcome to SR.

sorry, this isn't my best touchy feely day.....so reading your post about his habits and behaviors, i'm not seeing ANYTHING functional about his drinking........

they say if nothing changes, nothing changes. you've stayed with him all this time, and has that in any way changed his drinking???? is his behavior in any way acceptable to you? has anything to date made a dent in his patterns and conduct?

you can't fix, cure or change him. you can however seek help and hope for yourself. you deserve a better life......and only you can bring that to life.

[MsGolightly]

welcome, kelli!

i send everything anvil said above me. i would also recommend reading the histories of some folks here, as well as the stickys at the top of the page. read read read and learn all you can about the disease. it's progressive and will only get worse... try and seek whatever help you can for yourself and your kids.

[Pick-a-name]

Hi,Kelli....so glad you found us! Your story sounds so much like mine! After about 25yrs of marriage is when I got to that same point;possibly when I got here first,too. I should have stayed here longer then!! Anyhow, that was about 3.5 years ago or so......since then things got worse, AH moved out and then moved in with the caveat that he get help. He moved out again, instead of doing that and then divorced me. He is still drinking.

I am glad you posted this letter and reminded me where I was....I was starting to fall back into the mode of wondering if it "was me".... When I am around him and he is on "good behavior" , I sometimes forget.

This place has helped me so much.........I hope you stick around.

Have you read "Getting Them Sober" (see http://www.GettingThemSober.com for preview chapters online)...another resource I have found helpful!

Posting and reading here,Alanon,reading (see the "stickies" above),etc all have really helped me alot!

Good luck and hope t see you around often!

[parentrecovers]

nice to meet you, kelli. my daughter is an alcoholic/addict, so i understand your frustration and confusion.

alanon and private counseling really help me.

blessings, and remember this - you didn't cause it, you can't cure it, and you cannot control it. you do have many choices as to how you allow the addiction to affect your life, though.

keep posting, k

[Sailorswife]

If he won't get professional help then there's not much you can do but look out for yourself. Don't let him treat you like this. You deserve so much more.

[un4gvn acts]

Hi Kelli

Are you attending Al Anon meetings? If not I would find one & get to it!

One thing that I have learned is that not to focus on the alcoholic in my life but to focus on me!

Read Read Read all you can about this disease & the stickys too!
Also read about detachment!

Keep posting
Glad you are here

Sage

[lovemypup]

I know how you are feeling. I was married 27 yrs with 2 grown kids.

Its hard to even think about leaving the man you have always loved. The man who has been your best friend for years despite of what he does. Its just plain hard.

My heart goes out to you. This decision is painful. We know we deserve better but that does not make it any less painful either way.

Do what you need to do for yourself.

[denny57]

Welcome, kelli, glad you're here!

I see you mentioned AA to him, have you considered Al-Anon for yourself?

[kelliNY]

Thanks everyone for the replies...
It is so very helpful to hear others have or are in the same situation. I have thought about going to Al Anon...but have been afraid that since I live in a small area that someone would see me and wonder why I was there. Perhaps I will go in a different town. I do understand that it is not me or my fault..but terribly hard not to feel that I am the one that is wrong. I have even looked up sysmptoms of alcoholism several times and try to convince myself that I am wrong about his drinking problem.

[Astro]

Originally Posted by kelliNY

I am married to a "functional" Alcoholic.

Hi kelli, welcome to SR.

Thought I'd throw in my experience as a "functional" alcoholic.

Being functional to me means something along the lines of drinking and performing normally in our relationships, in parenting, with our finances, and in our careers. There's nothing functional whatsoever about rages, abuse, insults, memory loss, battles, etc.

The reason I say this is because I thought I was high functioning too, your description of your AH sounds EXACTLY like me, and I believed I was functioning right up to the moment my ex decided that she couldn't take it any longer and demanded a divorce.

Don't kid yourself, this is not functioning in any way. You can't force him to get help, but I hope you'll seek help for yourself, Al-Anon might be a great choice for you.

[Astro]

Originally Posted by kelliNY

It is so very helpful to hear others have or are in the same situation. I have thought about going to Al Anon...but have been afraid that since I live in a small area that someone would see me and wonder why I was there. Perhaps I will go in a different town.

Part of the magic and miracle of being in AA and Al-Anon for me has been running into people I know from my childhood or work. Then I made the connection that I wasn't alone, that others knew exactly where I'd come from and understood me. We do learn to respect the anonymity of our Fellows.

[cmc]

Hello kelli,
I can't add to what has already been shared, but wanted to say 'hello' and welcome you to SR. I hope you will keep posting and let us know how you are doing.

[lovemypup]

I too looked on the internet, thinking I would find the answer somewhere. If this really wasnt a problem and just me thinking it is. Thinking this is how alot of people live and they dont complain about it. Am I the one who is wrong here. Why can't I just live with it. Why do I make myself sick over it when no one else does.

Hopefully with alot of reading on here and meetings you will find your answers. Took me a long time to find mine. I know where your at right now. Your answers will come in time.

[Seeking Wisdom]

Welcome to SR

You have come to a good place to help you understand the complex problems associated with living with an active alcoholic.

So many of us start out wondering if it is just us overreacting or if there is really a serious addiction to alcohol... I know I wasted too many years at that stage believing my husband just drank too much ... only to have him deceive me for years as to the degree of his problem.

There is a wealth of knowledge here, just keep reading and you will learn so much from others whom have been in your situation.

[GlassPrisoner]

Welcome !!!

You'll find a lot of help here. I'm one of the As that pokes their nose in every now and then to give the alkies perspective and help others understand how and why we act like we do.

I've come to the conclusion that "functional" means the alcoholic has a job.....

[liveweyerd]

Maybe inappropriate Glass...but that made me giggle.


Guess my exabf is still functional, as he works and works, but his heart is working at 20% due to alcoholism. I don't giggle about that. That's just sad.

[an'ka]

Haha, Glass, that's exactly what I think of when I see that "functional"

[Grasshopper]

Hi and welcome!!!!
you are no longer all alone.
i was in a similar state,when i first came to recovery rooms.For me,that is with both AA/Al-anon.
I was ready to head for the hills on our marriage.
Then decided,it best,that i have some recovery for myself.My sponsor suggested this also.Recovery for myself is whats made the difference in my life.
I cant say enough good things,and how these recovery programs have helped me.
Thanks for letting me share,
God Bless,take care!!!

[Wanttobefree]

Dear KelliNY. I read your post and chills went down my spine. I could have written your post myself WORD FOR WORD. 26 years of marriage for me, 2 wonderful grown children. A case of beer a day, verbal abuse. RAGE. Memory loss, sleep disturbances, etc. etc. etc. It would not be my place to even suggest to you what to do about this, I simply want to share with you what happened to me this week. All these years, I have hidden from all my friends and family how bad the verbal abuse was. They all obviously knew about the drinking, no way around that. My AH started drinking last Saturday night, and continued for 3 days, no food, sleeping only when passing out, waking and drinking again until passing out. I knew the verbal attack was coming, I always know, as I'm sure you do. I stayed and listened to the attacks, not provoking, not responding. When I knew the attacks were over, and the remorse had set in, I packed my things, and I went to everyone that cares about my AH, (which isn't that many people) and I told them all of it. I did this because I no longer wanted to be the only one in his life that knew he was drinking himself to death. No one actually knew how bad it was. The most incredible thing happened. I stayed away for 2 days and during that time each one of these people contacted him, wanting to help, and he actually listened. (Of course, this was when he was sober, his body would not allow him to drink any more, not that he wasn't giving it his best shot) Anyway, it made such an impression on him that on his own, he has contacted the VA for help, and he is doing everything they tell him to do. It was as if I had taken my finger out of the dyke and the dam was breaking. Please take a moment and go to the sticky entitled "about abuse" and read 'Value Yourself'. "When the pain of staying for one more minute becomes more unbearable than the thought of leaving, something inside you changes." Boy, that made an impression on me. I came back home, as I always do. He asked for one more chance to try and live a normal life and not lose me. Do I have hope for change? Not really, but I think it will be interesting, and I can certainly leave any time I want to. The biggest relief for me was the sharing of this horrible nightmare that I have been living, and my children grew up with, and MAYBE, just MAYBE it will be over. Whether he gets help, or I make the decision to go whistling down the road, either way, I've had all I can take. That in itself is rather liberating. And I would like to mention that my 24 year old son, visited him, took his beer away, gave him tea, and proceeded to tell him to "man-up". And then talked to him for 4 hours about his life and getting help. I do believe that made the biggest impression. I guess the point of this whole story is that the pain became too much to bear and getting away from it was worth the price I had to pay to do it. I do know that in his twisted way, he loves me and does NOT want to lose me. Good luck and hugs to you and remember not to fall for the vicious words spewing out of his mouth. He is only attacking you because you are there. It really doesn't have anything to do with you at all. And remember, all I'm doing is sharing, not suggesting. Everyone's situation is different, I just hate the thought of anyone feeling as bad as I did for as long as I did.

[sprylynx]

Originally Posted by kelliNY

I am at my wits end and am seriously thinking of leaving. I am depressed, anxious and quite frankly very lonely. I am tired of the insults, the battles, and the blame he throws onto me. I am tired of the smell of alcohol as I try to sleep at night.

I truly understand what your going through! I was married over 17+ years and just recently left my 'non functioning' AH barely two months ago, simply because, alcoholics are unable to function as normal human beings, period.

I know its a very hard and difficult thing to do, however, it will NEVER get better---they will suck you dry and spit you out! The longer you stay it will become increasingly worse on your health, psychi, self-image, esteem and life. Am I going through remorse, grief, lose of partner/spouse, father of my children? Absolutely, because those are natural human feelings and emotions anyone goes through when a relationship ends. But most of the grief comes from knowing that the man I married pre-alcohol is no longer the man I fell in love with, trusted, felt safe with and comfort from...nope, that man is completely gone, he's just as shell in his former body because the alcohol has robbed him of his heart, mind, body and soul!

On the upside of leaving and starting over...for the first time in so long I have felt and overwhelming amount of PEACE in my life! Alcoholics are just way too EXHAUSTING, whereby, I am no longer expending or devoting any more of my time or life to it! What I have been doing is going out, living for myself, and having a blast doing it, such as: went to a beach summer jam, couple of museums, watched dolphins play while the sun set over the bay, went on a friends only golf date with a golf pro, went to the 4th of July bash with some neighbors I met, etc. Yup, I've done all this in less than one month!

You need to find a strong support system, get on your own two feet and trust that as you begin to heal from all the carnage alcohol has wrought in your life, you will look back and say...why on earth didn't I do this sooner!

Girlfriend, you really need to save yourself----its IMPOSSIBLE to save him, there simply is not enough love in this world to ever do it!

[AWEDA]

Kelli,
My husband was "functioning" too until he lost his job went to the hospital and almost died TWICE went to prison and was not allowed back in our home by a court order. This all happened in a 4 month period. I could not believe how bad things got so quickly. He was released from prison talking about how horrible it was there and he would NEVER drink again. Well guess what he's doing again. I hoped for so many years 24 of them that things would be different.My 12 year old son was the only one who saw through him telling me Mom he isn't going to stop!!!!!!!!!!! My wonderful son who had to call 911 when his father slit his wrists is the only person thinking in this house. I am so glad my AH is not here anymore. in fact I have no idea where he is. His family will not tell me. They are picking up where I left off taking care of him,he is their problem now,Thank God he is no longer mine.

[hopeangel]

hi kelli,

CARE FOR YOURSELF! your children are grown. i would definitely say it is time to care for yourself.

i have to agree that nothing sounds functional about your ah to me. it sounds like late stages alcoholism to me.

truth is, caring for an alcoholic can rob you of precious years of your life. it can age you so quick it is not funny.

when i started detaching from my ah and started asking the hard questions of myself like "what was it about me that put me in the situation i am in?" and "why did i choose to accept things that are completely unacceptable to me?" that i started getting myself back. then i could look in the mirror and see that i am not any of the things he has been telling me i am all these years.

[aGrandma]

I am in a similar situation. I've been married for 29 years with 2 grown children. My husband drinks every single day (but he is not abusive to me, only to himself and his own body.) He has excuses why he has to drink and if I question them he gets angry and defensive. We've gone to counseling and I told him there I've had it with his drinking but I don't think he was listening or he chose not to. He just had surgery and he is taking lots of pain drugs and continuing to drink. The night after sur