Dating an alcoholic

[tinkerbellkj]

Hello,

i'm writing on this board because i'm not sure where else to turn to. I recently broke it off with my boyfriend because he has a drinking problem. He refuses to admit that he is an alcoholic, but he drinks all day, everyday and is usually drunk by 4pm. He's confrontational, verbally and mentally abusive, and just an emotional mess when he drinks. I left him, and explained to him that I couldn't enable him any longer and that I loved him but I hated the alcohol. He says i'm dramatic and as always, tries to turn everything back around on me, so that everything is my fault, and never his. He doesn't believe that me leaving had anything to do with him, and that I did it because I thought it'd be easier for me. I've had little contact with him in the recent days, and every time we do talk he is yelling at me or blaming me for something, or saying that he hates me and never wants to talk to me again, but calls a day later with the same cycle. I'm wondering if there's anything I can do to help him or if I should just leave him alone. He lives with his mother who enables him so much that it's sick, and i'm scared she's helping him to kill himself. I truly love him, but I also love myself and i'm not sure what to do. I'd like to help him, but i'm not sure if or how that I am. I apologize for the length of this post, but i'm just very confused! Any feedback would be wonderful, thanks for reading!

[DII]

Hi, sorry to hear about your troubles.

If you love him, and yourself, you should leave him alone. Only he can help himself. My AW is working on herself but is now out of the house. Unfortunately he will have to hit his "bottom" before decides to get help. No one else can say or do anything to get him to that point any faster.

Al-Anon and counseling for yourself will be a great help for you to sort out your feelings and needs.

Good luck!

[chero]

Welcome Tinkerbellkj!

One thing I learned the hard way is I can't help him. He has to help himself. You are doing right by leaving him alone. I found it easier to look at it this way. As long as I was in the way, I was keeping him from hitting his bottom.

Take some time and read the stickies at the top of the forums page. There is some great information available there!

Glad to have you here!

[prodigal]

Welcome. I'm glad you found us. As mentioned by Chero, read the stickies at the top of our forum. I'd suggest you look into Al-Anon meetings in your area. The only suggestion given at meetings to newcomers is that they try six meetings before deciding whether or not it's for them.

Sounds like you're boyfriend is my AH's twin brother. To begin with, you ARE being verbally abused. Hang up the phone, don't answer the phone, change your phone to an unlisted number. These are just my suggestions, but if you want to stop the insanity at your end, it begins with you breaking off contact with him. He's not taking responsibility for his own life, but on some level he knows he's a mess. Thus, you serve a purpose, and that purpose is to glom all his self-hatred, guilt and remorse onto you. That is something you don't deserve. Period.

You can't help him. He doesn't want to get sober at this point in time, which is why he's dumping the blame for his actions on you. So, that leaves you with helping yourself. I'd also suggest you get a copy of "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie. It explains a lot about how we end up enabling an addict even though we have no intentions to do so.

Keep posting, and I hope you will seriously consider Al-Anon meetings.

[Spiritual Seeker]

There is no way to help him. But you know, you can't have the future that you dream about with an alkie. Grieve this relationship & your fantasies of how life could have been different "if only" Facing loss is rarely easy which is why many of us resist change for so long. The end of a relationship feels like a death, even the one that made us unhappy and held us back from growth + fullfillment. To move past we have to feel the sadness + loss fully fo what might have been and now never will be.
THEN pick yourself up & move forward to healthier relationships

[dollydo]

Welcome,

I would suggest no contact. There is no point in allowing him to abuse you further.

Don't worry about him, he has his mommy, and a roof over his head.

He doesn't want recovery, that is his choice. Now make the right one for you, let him go. You cannot help him, help yourself.

[embraced2000]

you cannot help him....alcoholics will usually only use those attempts of your helping to keep you enmeshed with them.

at this point you can only help yourself. al-anon helped to restore my sanity and health. if i knew then, what i know now, i would have never knowingly become involved with someone that i even thought drunk too much. the price of admission certainly wasn't worth it all.

[Earthworm]

You can't help him so run away in the other direction.

The emotional and verbal abuse will become physical.

Earthworm

[cagefree]

The best way to help him is to not help him - in any way.

Welcome tinkerbell

[Mr. Christian]

Ok ok ok,
Let me follow this so far.
He lives with his Mother, has a drinking problem, and can not take responsibility for himself.

I hear wedding bells……


Come on now, don’t you see any red flags?

[splendra]

Welcome!!

I think you ought to count your blessing that he does not live with you!!! Try hanging up every time he calls...

[denny57]

The greatest "help" you can give an abuser, if you must, is to show him or her by your actions that YOU will not be abused.

[almattie]

Hey, if there is one thing that I have learned, is that you can't change them. You can only help them if they want the help, and it sounds like he does'nt want any help. He has to make the first step, not you!!!!

[Pick-a-name]

I agree with what everyone else has already said!

I also wanted to say "hello" and tell you how glad I am you have joined us.

Oh, one other resource that I have found helpful,are the "Getting Them Sober" books. see http://www.GettingThemSober.com for a few "preview" chapters.

Hope you stick around.reading and posting here has helped me so much!

[fallen17star]

Hey Tink! Like all addicts, he has to want to get help! Right now it sounds like he's in denial. I would say you should just stop talking to him. If you keep talking to him it will juust bring you down. You have to put yourself first. Go to an al-anon meeting it will be very benifical...

-Breanna
"Tomorrow's a fantasy, and yesterday's gone... there's only today"

[ARealLady]

I'd like to help him,

Tinker....that's what all of us wanted to do. The bottom line is you can't help him. Just like you didn't cause his addiction, you can't control it. The "was" my ABF is now the XABF. I decided that my life was too important.

Read, read, read on these boards and keep posting. We're here.

ARL

[Lilyflower]

I am helping my abf by becoming a stronger healthier happier person, by showing him that he will not be able to manipulate his way out of every situation and that he can no longer put me down to make himself feel better.

I am helping him by showing him there is another way to live.

Whether he chooses life, well as I said, thats HIS choice!

[CBrown]

Welcome, Tinkerbell! What does an A love? To cause chaos in someone else's life and have someone pity and take care of them. Your XABF is probably a clone of mine. So you're not in this alone!

Now are you going to allow him to spread his chaos and misery into your life? Nope! Be strong, Tink! Don't answer the phone. If you must, ask if he is in recovery, and if not, tell him you won't talk to him until then. The biggest mistake we make is that by being compassionate, we fall into the trap of taking all their abusive crap. I still feel plenty of compassion for my XABF, but it falls strictly under the category of TOUGH LOVE.

I'm starting to agree more and more with Getting Them Sober, that alcoholism is a childish, narcissistic controlling game on the part of the person who drinks. Trust me, if you don't give his childish tantrums the time of day or sympathy, he'll move on. Besides, he has his mommy to baby him. Ironically, my XABF only seems to keep women for a decent amount of time who are like 10 years older than he is, and want to mother him because his own mother won't baby him. Not me either. I want a man, not a baby. Could be why this final time we only lasted a few months. Besides, I'm not going to take hourly verbal abuse from ANY man.