OT - Just need some support from my SR friends

[queenteree]

Hi All,
This is off topic, but I guess I need a little support from you guys on how to handle a certain situation. My daughter, 25, the single mom of 2 who is a nurse (and not an alcoholic or addict, just a spoiled rotten brat) is separated for over 4 years from her A husband. She threw him out 4 years ago because of it, didn't want the kids to grow up like that and ever since then, I have helped her out since he hasn't been around for that long, no child support, etc. She even won sole custody. Anyway, she just started a new job this week working nights (after not working for several months and me and RAH supporting her and her kids). She picked nights cause she couldn't afford a babysitter for two kids during the day in the summer. Anyway, the deal was for me to babysit 2 nites a week (after all, my A is recovering and we need to work on us and have time for us) and her biological father's sister was to watch them the other two nites. All sounds good, right. Well, I watched them the past two nites, she tells me today that even on the nites I don't watch them I have to get them from the first babysitter (her landlord who she does not get along with) and bring them to her aunt's house (in the same town no less, and not my town). Therefore, I am committed to every night getting these children and going out of my way. I told her I never agreed to this (my boundary), she said I did (I KNOW FOR A FACT I WOULDN'T HAVE!!!!). She tries to make me think I'm crazy. I told her I would take them to the aunt's today, but she would have to make other arrangements from now on. Well, with that came her screaming at me, that I am no longer "allowed to watch her kids" unless she asks me to, them I am to do it. Also, I called her landlord (my XBFF) and asked her if it was possible for her to take them to the aunt's house and I would give her gas money each week. Now I just get a voice mail from daughter saying that since I am in "cahoots" with landlord and everyone is giving her a hard time about watching these kids and doing things for her, and her aunt also hates her landlord (landlord was a long time family friend) she is quitting her job tonite and landlord can evict her, and me and RAH can have her car back on Saturday (RAH took out a loan for her to have a new car two years ago with the promise of her paying the loan once she started working, and she has yet to make any payments on it, RAH has been, plus the insurance). All this is coming from a daughter who I have coddled for 25 years (cause my A mother never helped me out at all). I have supported her for many years, plus I work full time and agreed watch her kids overnight two nights a week, get them up in the morning and feed and dress them, then take them home before I go to my full time job (plus I am supposed to watch them every other weekend). She is self-centered, demanding, manipulating and a royal pain in the a$$ drama queen. I am sick to death of her, and I know she knows how to push mine and RAH's buttons, always has. I am usually a strong person, and my two grown sons always knew I mean what I say and say what I mean, and I'm not one to get really razzled up, except by HER!!!! Any way to deal with this? She is one person I can't seem to get a handle on how to deal with, she always manages to get me pissed and I lose it, yell and scream and then dwell on my anger about it. It was, most times, easier to deal with RAH when he was drinking than it is her. I can see my calmness since RAH has stopped drinking is about to end, and I'm really saddened by this. All I want is a little peace in my life, and with a spoiled brat daughter, I don't think I'm going to get any. Also, would it be more beneficial for us to take back the car (totally worthless since it's been in two accidents and has juice stains all over the place and potatoe chips ground into the rugs) and try to sell it (at a loss) or just transfer the title into her name (it's in RAH's now) so we don't have to worry about paying the car insurance along with the loan ($600 a month total)? Any advice is welcomed. Thanks guys.
QT

[guineapigjude]

Ouch. Sounds like she has you just where she wants you~making you feel guilty about not doing the things SHE needs to be doing. Classic manipulation.
Sometimes people have personalities that are as difficult to deal with as addiction! My suggestion would be to treat your daughter as you would an addict. Detach. Let her own her own life. But I know she has kids and this is easier said that done.
Good luck, keep your chin up, and concetrate on you and RAH. You can't change her behavior, only your own!

[MsGolightly]

Originally Posted by queenteree

She is self-centered, demanding, manipulating and a royal pain in the a$$ drama queen. I am sick to death of her, and I know she knows how to push mine and RAH's buttons, always has. I am usually a strong person, and my two grown sons always knew I mean what I say and say what I mean, and I'm not one to get really razzled up, except by HER!!!! Any way to deal with this?

hey QT!

i think detaching is really important as well, and sticking to your boundaries. i'd hate to see you lose the peace you've recently gained, especially for someone who may not even realize what a sacrifice you would be making for her. it's my belief that she will continue manipulating and demanding things from you until you put a stop to it and put your foot down. she's 25 and old enough to be able to figure out things for herself, so let her and you stick with your own life. easier said than done though

[Cynay]

Boy does this resemble me.....

Yep Im the Mom that has spoiled my daughter and It is SO hard to undo that...

What I did is exactly what they are saying... I detached... it is not easy but it was the only way to stay sane with her... she knows every button with me and does not have any problem with pushing them.

She should be doing these things on her own... I would try to look at it like respecting/loving her enough to give her back her life... The things I worked the hardest for or went through hell for are usually the most important lessons in my life and they are the ones that stick. There is a difference in helping and enabling... it sounds to me like she abuses her parents way too much.

[Grasshopper]

When my sponsor said to me,that we teach people how to treat us,i was really mad.How could this be?I would never want anyone to treat me awful,and yet i took time to relfect on what she said.Is this true,and if so,how did i do it.?What my part in it?
It was through Al-anon/AA for me that i found solutions.And made changes in my life.Not everyone was happy,and pleased about my changing,believe me.But all has worked out for the better good,one day at a time.
Thanks for letting me share,
God Bless,and prayers for you and your family.