This chapter is closing...

[guineapigjude]

AH and I go to court Friday for our divorce. I won't pretend that I'm not thrilled, but I do feel awful for him.
He is getting more and more out of control. I found out he got a $3000 personal loan, and has blown it on bills he can't pay because he works as little as possible. When I've had to talk to him during the day on various kid/divorce issues, he makes a point of telling me how late he's going to work, when I know he's quitting earlier and earlier. He's becoming increasingly needy, as in looking for my approval or praise for everything he does, and is getting emotional about the divorce HE wanted to begin with. He's, of course, also bragging about how he barely drinks any more, when I also know better than that. He calls to chat whenever he's had a few and is feeling lonely, sorry for himself, or wants to pretend we're still "good friends".
I have no intention of maintaining any sort of relationship with him, other than is needed regarding the kids, because I know he's toxic for me. I alternate between wanting to save and wanting to kill him! But I feel awful. It's like watching two trains barrelling head on into each other from a distance. You know there's gonna be a wreck, but you're powerless to stop it.
Any advice from those who have been through this? When he first left, I used to think I'd get satisfaction from seeing him crash and burn....now I know better. And I kknow I can't save him. But how do you let go of the worry? And the urge to step in?

[Astro]

Keep the focus on yourself and your children, and let your A find his own way.

As an alcoholic I did everything I could before my ex and I were divorced to keep a "hook" in her and our relationship. I was scared to death to be cut loose and left on my own. But what I learned was that we either spread our wings and fly, or we can choose to crash and burn. I chose life, and every morning since Feb. 21, 2005 I wake up and make that choice again.

[denny57]

I no longer have the urge to step in because I've accepted nothing I do will make him stop; it has to come from within, just like for me.

I don't really worry, though I still have compassion and concern, especially in light of his illness (liver disease).

I keep the focus on me, attend meetings, share with others who have been through it before me.

Hang in there. ((()))

[Pencil Pusher]

You are so on the right path, so smart, and strong! You are doing great, and I am so excited for you. i look forward to hearing more as you continue to progress, as you are a few steps ahead of me, and we both know we have a lot in common! This is one more chapter to close in this process- best of luck to you!

[Pilgrim]

Have you suggested that he tries AA? I agree with denny. Make the suggestion and then hand it over. I wish you all the best.

[guineapigjude]

Yes, I have suggested it. For a brief period of time he was planning to go to counseling, but never followed through. When he left the family, he went to live with a "friend" who is the widow of a drug dealer and doesn't think he has any problems with alcohol/substance abuse. I guess when I stopped enabling him, he found someone who would. Now he simply pretends to me that since he left he hardly drinks. We live in a very small town, where everyone knows evryone else' business, so believe me I know he's only kidding himself.

[Pilgrim]

((((((((gpj))))))))

[justjo]

I know how you feel. Many years of worry and now I have accepted it is up to her not me. I still worry most days that she is going to get through all of this, but my main concern is her well being and the strangers that she clings to. It seems that anyone who will enable her will do. Family doesnt matter to her when she has 'someone' to help her drink. The most frustrating part for me is this. the strange men she takes home and I worry if she is getting hurt but it is out of my control. She is back in rehab as I speak and at least I know she is somehow safe but I still worry about male predators.
You getting divorced and as time goes by you will be more able to distance yourself from him and IT... focus on your life, still keep him in your prayers and I wish you all the best and loveto you.

[embraced2000]

surrender and acceptance. i went kickin and screamin all the way. i put myself through 3 years of pure torture loving him so much it almost killed me.

it was so hard to stand and look at this man that i loved, and knew he had a beating heart, that he had a brillant mind, that he wanted love.......and to know that he was so lost into his addictions that he was impossible for me to live with him.

his addictions had turned him into someone who really didn't care about anything except the next drinking binge. he paid a high price for his drinking career....loss of family, wife, home, career, self-respect and self-love.

it was so very difficult for me to turn loose of him and save myself. and as i became more educated about the addiction, it became more and more pathetic to see his ploys and scheming and scamming. it just broke my heart for him, too.

just hang in there, and keep the focus on yourself. the addiction is tricky and the trickster hooks are slinging all around.

[Rella927]

Originally Posted by embraced2000

surrender and acceptance. i went kickin and screamin all the way. i put myself through 3 years of pure torture loving him so much it almost killed me.

it was so hard to stand and look at this man that i loved, and knew he had a beating heart, that he had a brillant mind, that he wanted love.......and to know that he was so lost into his addictions that he was impossible for me to live with him.

his addictions had turned him into someone who really didn't care about anything except the next drinking binge. he paid a high price for his drinking career....loss of family, wife, home, career, self-respect and self-love.

it was so very difficult for me to turn loose of him and save myself. and as i became more educated about the addiction, it became more and more pathetic to see his ploys and scheming and scamming. it just broke my heart for him, too.

just hang in there, and keep the focus on yourself. the addiction is tricky and the trickster hooks are slinging all around.

Embrace are you with my XA? All I have to say is DITTO to this post! Time frame, feelings everything!

Thanks Embrace

((((HUGS GP))))))

[embraced2000]

ya know, i have often read other posts on here and thought...omg....that's my husband. and one time actually thought it was him and pm'ed the person to ask.

then, i learned how much alike the addiction makes them.....amazing. just amazing. course, living with the effects of it all makes us aobut all the same, too. but i still think we have a better shot at recovery than they do.

[Astro]

Originally Posted by embraced2000

then, i learned how much alike the addiction makes them.....amazing. just amazing. course, living with the effects of it all makes us aobut all the same, too. but i still think we have a better shot at recovery than they do.

The only way I had a shot at recovery from alcoholism was to recognize the similarities between myself and others. As long as I kept noticing the differences the denial kept creeping in. Yes, we're all very much alike. So is it the same for those of you in Al-Anon?

[denny57]

Originally Posted by Astro

So is it the same for those of you in Al-Anon?

Interesting question. I think some key things are the same - just like for the alcoholic. But every person's recovery is different. Just like there are the A's who leave an AA meeting and hit the bar, I know Anons who say they've been in program for 15 years and they are still concentrating on how the A treated them. It's why I think it's so important to keep recovery focused on me and me alone. I have no idea if someone in or out of the rooms, alcoholic or not, has a better shot at recovery than I do. One day at a time, I put one foot in front of the other. It's hard work.

[guineapigjude]

Thats one of the great things about coming here. Sometimes I think theres no one in the world who understands what's happening. Especially when people give me their opinions, like "I wouldn't have put up with what you did all those years, are you crazy?" or those that imply I "liked" the way he treated me when he used, or I would've left a long time ago. I start second guessing myself, my motives and my value. Then I come here and read what others have said and want to yell Thank You everytime someone writes about feelings and events I can relate to, because they help me see that I'm not alone and not crazy. I also take heart when I read stories from and about substances abusers that hit close to home, because more than anything they point out that addiction is a non partial disease that treats all of its victims the same way. Doesn't change the circumstances, but it sure helps.

[Rella927]

Originally Posted by Astro

The only way I had a shot at recovery from alcoholism was to recognize the similarities between myself and others. As long as I kept noticing the differences the denial kept creeping in. Yes, we're all very much alike. So is it the same for those of you in Al-Anon?

Astro yes as embrace stated-about A's well it is the same for us in Al-Anon IMHO. I remember my first meeting and sitting there and saying "wow wow wow and wow" interpretation this is amazing how much I feel what that one is feeling-it was like looking into a mirror! I do not want to look in that mirror anymore unless the mirror is smiling back at me!

I believe codies are codies- IMHO the traits are there in one another are all very similar-but our path for recovery is different- we all walk down the path that is right for us in order to change and live our lives for ourselves!

[Astro]

Originally Posted by Rella927

I remember my first meeting and sitting there and saying "wow wow wow and wow" interpretation this is amazing how much I feel what that one is feeling-it was like looking into a mirror!

It took me about five months in AA to recognize that. Denial is a powerful depressant.

[Rella927]

Originally Posted by Astro

It took me about five months in AA to recognize that. Denial is a powerful depressant.

Ahhh it took me the first meeting to recognize that did not mean I applied it right away to my own life! (Hmmm denial?!)

Your awesome Astro.....we all move at different paces but I'm glad that I have an A like you moving near me in my recovery!