1st Alanon Meeting Today! Questions...

[Pencil Pusher]

Hi all,
That's right! I attended my first alanon meeting tonight-I'm finally listening to you! It was interesting for sure.
Interesting how everyone's stories sound remarkably similar, just a few minor details twisted around here or there. I was surprised when no one mentioned Codependent no More at the meeting, but apparantley it is not an alanon approved book, so not part of the program. One thing I was wondering- since alanon is not specifically for codies, what do the 12 steps in alanon help you recover from? I heard CoDA meetings are specifically for codies-anyone ever been? While i am asking , where is the list for all the abbreviations for our description of people- like XFIL or XAAH? Thanks to all you fabulous people!

[minnie]

Good for you for going to a meeting!

Yes, al-anon produces its own literature - I found some of the leaflets really useful in the beginning, especially the ones on Detachment and A Merry Go Round Named Denial. Courage to Change is also great, although I did find Language of Letting Go (not an al-anon book) more useful for me in those early days.

Al-anon is for those affected by another person's drinking and helped me recover from the effects of that and also guided me to look at why I was involved with a problem drinker in the first place. There are some here who attend CODA meetings who will help you out with that question - I have none near me so can't comment.

I don't think there is a list, but here's a few pointers that may help:

A - alcoholic/addict
H - Husband
F - Father
S - Son/Sister
D - daughter
SS - Step/Sober Son/Sister
SD - Step/Sober Daughter
B - Brother
IL - in-law
X - ex
STBX - soon to be ex
I'm sure there are more.

Join them together and that should cover most bases.

[Spiritual Seeker]

I asked myself that very question when I started alanon 4 yrs. ago. "Why would I work the steps if I am not an addict?" But I did work them and continue to practice them in all of my affairs and my life has improved significantly in ways I never imagined. All of my relationships have improved. I learned to take the focus off of the addict in my life and put it on myself. I understand that I am powerless over their addiction. I took a fearless inventory and saw my own character defects which I have slowly removed. If you really want to change your life the 12 steps can transform you. It takes time but it does work if you work it.

[Pencil Pusher]

Thanks for your responses-
SS- the thing I'm not getting is this- I have accepted that I am a codie, so I guess my addiction is him, or the drama or something that he brings to my life. But at the meeting, they said that alanon isn't necessarily for codies, just people affected by someone elses's drinking. So my question is, for people who are affected by someone elses drinking, but are not codies, what is the addiction they are trying to break with the 12 steps?

They also did not say what the 12 steps are, or anything about them, other than briefly mentioning them, so how do you learn to "work them" by reading on your own, or...?

Thanks for your help!

Oh and my new acronym is STBXAAH- that's really long!

[cmc]

Hi Pencil,
I'll try to answer your questions. The more meetings you attend, the sooner you will be able to understand what Alanon is all about.

But at the meeting, they said that alanon isn't necessarily for codies, just people affected by someone elses's drinking.

Codies are affected by someone elses drinking.

So my question is, for people who are affected by someone elses drinking, but are not codies, what is the addiction they are trying to break with the 12 steps?

Trying to fix or control, enabling and being obsessed with what somebody else does-to name a few.

They also did not say what the 12 steps are, or anything about them, other than briefly mentioning them, so how do you learn to "work them" by reading on your own, or...?

They are guidelines/suggestions that help me to deal with life on life's terms. Many people go through them with their sponsors and some just work them out themselves or with the assistance of a professional.
Here is a link for the 12 Steps:
http://www.recovery.org/aa/misc/12steps.html

[QU31]

Hi PP,

I would try not to get too caught up with the semantics. The important thing is how the meetings make you feel (and after awhile they should make you feel good!)

I personally had a really hard time with the way the first step was worded...I kept getting caught up on the word "alcohol." I had realized long ago I was powerless over alcohol. Plus, no one in my house was even drinking anymore, so the first step didn't make sense. I was getting frustrated! The same would happen when I would recite the three Cs in my head (didn't cause it, can't control it, can't cure it). Then one day while reading the Al Anon 12/12 (I think that was the book--the green and white one), I realized I could subsitute the word "anger" for the word "alcohol" and for some reason, it was a major breakthrough! Then I started using the three Cs in regards to RAB's temper tantrums, and that worked too! Now, I don't take the wording too seriously. I know a recovering alcoholic who loves Adult Children of Alcoholics meetings even though neither of her parents were users. It just works for her. I think that is the important thing.

Oh, by the way, I think Al Anon can be an acquired taste...don't give up and you will be glad in the long run!

[hbb]

Hi PP, great questions, i'm new to Al Anon myself and not sure where things stand with my abf. At the moment we are on a break but probably not together in real terms...i don't know. Anyway, should i still seek Al Anon to understand even though i'm not sure we are together anymore and he is in AA and has been sober for 6 months. Is it helpful regardless as we have been on a break only 3 weeks? Just wondered how long i should go without feeling weird because we may never get back together. Thanks.

[aztchr]

I went to my first meetings last week. I'm not with my exabf anymore, but I can use the principles to apply to anything really. I needed to take care of myself and accept things I can't change way before my ex and I were together.

The experience with him was the catalyst for getting help for my own actions and changing some thought patterns.

I can still benefit from going whether I'm with someone or not. The program is for us, not them.

[Spiritual Seeker]

Buy the alanon book or it may be available at your public library like it was mine.. i REad a lot of books on recovery. Keep going and find a "home group" that you relate to that becomes your meeting to attend regularly. Then talk to people at that mtg. after the mtg. Get a sponsor to work the steps with. I worked the steps mostly on my own. It took a few yrs. I have friends now that I met through alanon. Now I really understand the steps and I am able to apply them to my life. My favorite step is step 4. Going to the meeting and learning to express myself completely honestly helped a great deal and to listening to others. The collective wisdom is awesome.