What is this pull?

[Pencil Pusher]

Why do I have this pull back to him. Why can't I let it go? He gives me no reason to hope, doesn't say he is going to quit, doesn't say he will change, yet I still want him, I want it to be better, don't want anyone else. I start to make compromises, demanding less of him than what I truly want, start thinking maybe I'm being unreasonable, why can't he just... et cetera. What is this illogical emotional BS? Why do I still want him even though it makes no sense?

[liveweyerd]

Have you read the stickies at the top of this forum? I would suggest that for starters.

[dollydo]

Moving On

Sometimes, as part of taking care of ourselves, it becomes time to end certain relationships. Sometimes, it comes time to change the parameters of a particular relationship.

This is true in love, in friendships, with family, and on the job.

Endings and changes in relationships are not easy. But often, they are necessary.

Sometimes, we linger in relationships that are dead, out of fear of being alone or to postpone the inevitable grieving process that accompanies endings. Sometimes, we need to linger for a while, to prepare ourselves, to get strong and ready enough to handle the change.

If that is what we are doing, we can be gentle with ourselves. It is better to wait until that moment when it feels solid, clear, and consistent to act.

We will know. We will know. We can trust ourselves.

Knowing that a relationship is changing or is about to end is a difficult place to be in, especially when it is not yet time to act but we know the time is drawing near. It can be awkward and uncomfortable, as the lesson draws to a close. We may become impatient to put closure on it, but not yet feel empowered to do that. That's okay. The time is not yet right. Something important is still happening. When the time is right, we can trust that it will happen. We will receive the power and the ability to do what we need to do.

Ending relationships or changing the boundaries of a particular relationship is not easy. It requires courage and faith. It requires a willingness on our part to take care of ourselves and, sometimes, to stand-alone for a while.

Let go of fear. Understand that change is an important part of recovery. Love yourself enough to do what you need to do to take care of yourself, and find enough confidence to believe that you will love again.

We are never starting over. In recovery, we are moving forward in a perfectly planned progression of lessons. We will find ourselves with certain people - in love, family, friendships, and work - when we need to be with them. When the lesson has been mastered, we will move on. We will find ourselves in a new place, learning new lessons, with new people.

No, the lessons are not all painful. We will arrive at that place where we can learn, not from pain, but from joy and love.

Our needs will get met.

Today, I will accept where I am in my relationships, even if that place is awkward and uncomfortable. If I am in the midst of endings, I will face and accept my grief. God, help me trust that the path I am on has been perfectly and lovingly planned for me. Help me believe that my relationships are teaching me important lessons. Help me accept and be grateful for middles, endings, and new beginnings.

You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go

[chero]

Why do you still want him?? I've asked myself that question 100s of times in the past few weeks.

When I'm with him and he's sober, I think I can deal with anything because I love him so much and love will win out in the end. (i've seen the movies..love wins)
Except that love doesn't always win out and we can't love them to sobriety.

Pencil Pusher, I'm wondering how often you see him or talk to him? I've been learning the hard way that the more I see and talk to him and keep the cycle going the more I feel the pull towards him.

I'm thinking of you!

((((PP)))))

[Earthworm]

It is your co-dependency kicking in. Can you get to some Alanon meetings?

Earthworm

Originally Posted by Pencil Pusher

Why do I have this pull back to him. Why can't I let it go? He gives me no reason to hope, doesn't say he is going to quit, doesn't say he will change, yet I still want him, I want it to be better, don't want anyone else. I start to make compromises, demanding less of him than what I truly want, start thinking maybe I'm being unreasonable, why can't he just... et cetera. What is this illogical emotional BS? Why do I still want him even though it makes no sense?

[Pencil Pusher]

I have read most of the stickies now, and I printed out a list of alanon meetings in this area, so i am planning to start going. I also need to get the book- Codependent No More I believe it is called?

I definitely notice that the pull is stronger when I talk to him and see him more. I do think it is different with us, I know, I know, codie voice loud and clear to all of you probably, and I know all my true friends and family feel really strongly about me doing the right thing. I have moved out, I am plugging along, and when I don't see him, it all just makes perfect sense, but once I see him, I get all soft again, and i want to hear those words he occasionally feeds me, "Youre so beautiful, you're the only one for me, our souls are intertwined, you're my queen" and I melt and give in, then I give and give and he takes it and takes it, then I wake up, realize this is not what I want, that I am settling (Again) and I demand more. he says he won't give it, or doesn't have it, then I hide away until the cycle starts over again.
Will it ever end?

Then I wonder, what if I just stay with him, "see" him, but not live together until our daughter is grown, then at least I'm not hurting her anymore, just myself. I know this probably is a classic codie thing right here- but if he loves me enough, why won't he choose me over substances?

[prodigal]

The cycle ends when you, by your own sheer force of will, stop it. Then you hand him and yourself to your HP and learn to be good to yourself. That means stopping the cycle of addiction - in this case your's, not his. He owns his addiction and you own your's.

Why won't he choose you over substances? That question has plagued all of us at one time or another. Based on my own experience, my husband will choose the substance over me hands down every time. Why? Because it comes first, it serves his own selfish needs, and it allows him to zone out and deny responsibility.

[Pencil Pusher]

What is my addiction? Him? He doesn't give me what I want from him, not emotionally, physically, mentally, anything! I guess addictions are not logical, or no one would do these horrible things to their bodies. I am so sick of being all twisted up over him.

[Pencil Pusher]

So I need to consider myself in recovery then, too? As a codependent, and how do i know if I am that, from the alanon self test in the stickeys? Thanks everyone, you don't know how you all help me all the time!

[denny57]

Originally Posted by Pencil Pusher

Then I wonder, what if I just stay with him, "see" him, but not live together until our daughter is grown, then at least I'm not hurting her anymore, just myself.

I had to look inward to discover why I wanted to be with someone who treated me the way he did. I continue to look, but I have accepted I am worth far more than crumbs.

If your daughter learns it's acceptable to stay in such a situation and repeats it in her future, has she been harmed any less?

[prodigal]

Again ... just my opinion ... but, yes, I think he IS your addiction. Have you ever witnessed an alcoholic in the final stages of the disease? Their liver is shot, their digestive system is shot, their heart is giving out, many times they're in financial ruin, out of a job, broke, nowhere to live .... yet they continue to find a way to get the booze or the drug. Now that certainly doesn't make any sense, does it?

That's why when we start trying to figure out the addict's behavior and speech, we get crazy. You can't make sense of crazy. Believe me, I'm one of the all-time champions of trying to make sense of the senseless! Right now you're trying to make sense of your own addiction. It doesn't make sense. It is what it is. Period. Give Al-anon a try, give CoDA a try, give open AA meetings a try. Whatever it takes to get to know who you are. I think once you have a handle on YOU, the reasons will fall into place. Sometimes we don't get all the answers. Some questions are never answered. That's okay too. Let go and let God.

[Wii]

Originally Posted by Pencil Pusher

Then I wonder, what if I just stay with him, "see" him, but not live together until our daughter is grown, then at least I'm not hurting her anymore, just myself. I know this probably is a classic codie thing right here- but if he loves me enough, why won't he choose me over substances?

He Can't choose PP. If he is Alcoholic it's the Bottle that dictates to him and no one or nothing else. He is trapped in a net he can't get out of until HE is ready. Something WILL eventually Click in him that he has to stop BUT it won't be from someone else, it has to come from Deep inside him, a place not you or anyone else can access but HIM. When he is ready to stop he will. You have to just Accept that. If you do or have left well Maybe that'll be what does it. Who knows. At this point HE doesn't even know.

Let me tell you what made ME stop, my First try lasted 4 years. I was married and doing laundry, hungover and sick as usual. Looking like walking Death and just Mokus as Hell. My husband at the time wanted US to breed German Shepherds to sell the pups. Well, Guess who did all the feeding and cleaning up after the 8 pups in the basement? Well, to continue. I was bent over scooping up dog poop when I looked down at a CASE of empty wine bottles, MINE. Then as my eyes scanned the area ther was another case and another until I looked up at a stack of cases of EMPTY WINE BOTTLES!!!!! One entire wall of the basement. THIS was when I had my first epiphany. I sat on the step and just looked and cried and cried and looked asking myself HOW in HELL did I drink ALL THAT WINE???? I was actually in shock. I thought about all the money I spent that could have taken me on a nice trip or bought me a new car or could have been in the bank drawing interest so I could LEAVE this miserable S.O.B. that I was married to. THAT WAS MY LIGHTBULB moment. I went upstairs and looked up AA in the phone book and went to my first meeting that night.

See PP. HE has to have HIS moment of clarity. When he looks at himself by himself without anyone else telling him to. It'll happen. It happens to most of us eventually. BUT keep this in mind. There IS a certain percentage of alcoholics who never get that moment. And some who if they do they never get to AA. And some who get to AA but have slips. Even if he stops THAT in itself is another struggle. AND too, the sober man may be someone totally different than the one you know now. It could go either way. He may get sober and leave YOU. OR you may hate him if he changes and WANT to go. We just never know what the future holds in store.

[Nuudawn]

Detachment is a painstaking process...made easier with abstinence from the source. There's no rhyme or reason...like you have already alluded to. It's a nutsy process. It's been almost 7 months since I split from my exAbf..and although I'm over him...I'm not quite over IT ya know. What I put through myself thru, etc...it's all fading gradually.
For sooooooo long I really and truly wanted to believe in that man...believe there was love and good in him. I'm not saying there isn't...but while still "using"....there just ain't. I hung on a long time...figuring that somehow I could play a part in his "redemption". That's his business. Not mine to own or aid in. Your head knows that truth..but man oh man..just takes a while for our hearts to catch up and truly get with it.
Pure and simple...my ex's actions and behaviour never really warranted my care and concern. That took a loooooooooong time to get.

[Earthworm]

"Words he feeds me" you hit that on the head because that is exactly what he is doing to keep you "hooked"

Earthworm

Originally Posted by Pencil Pusher

I have read most of the stickies now, and I printed out a list of alanon meetings in this area, so i am planning to start going. I also need to get the book- Codependent No More I believe it is called?

I definitely notice that the pull is stronger when I talk to him and see him more. I do think it is different with us, I know, I know, codie voice loud and clear to all of you probably, and I know all my true friends and family feel really strongly about me doing the right thing. I have moved out, I am plugging along, and when I don't see him, it all just makes perfect sense, but once I see him, I get all soft again, and i want to hear those words he occasionally feeds me, "Youre so beautiful, you're the only one for me, our souls are intertwined, you're my queen" and I melt and give in, then I give and give and he takes it and takes it, then I wake up, realize this is not what I want, that I am settling (Again) and I demand more. he says he won't give it, or doesn't have it, then I hide away until the cycle starts over again.
Will it ever end?

Then I wonder, what if I just stay with him, "see" him, but not live together until our daughter is grown, then at least I'm not hurting her anymore, just myself. I know this probably is a classic codie thing right here- but if he loves me enough, why won't he choose me over substances?