Seeing red flags with sister

[aztchr]

I haven't seen my sister much lately until yesterday. When I visit my dad and niece, my sister is working or out after work. When I talk to my dad, my sister is usually out which means he's caring for my niece almost all of the time.

Long story short, my sister used to do meth and was clean while pregnant 3 years ago. She spent a night in jail, went to numerous court dates, completed everything asked of her for her probation, community service, 90 NA meetings in 90 days, random drug tests, etc.

Well, here's where the red flags come up. She's now "friends" again with a former addict and got a letter from an abusive ex-addict bf in jail. She doesn't look that great, many signs physical signs and attitude issues, but I can't be sure.

I mentioned to my dad that I was seeing these red flags and he basically called me on it in a nice way. Take care of yourself and go about your business. He didn't comment about agreeing or disagreeing with me. I think he suspects, too, but he's so concerned about taking care of my niece. My sister takes advantage of my dad and he admitted he has allowed it and caused his own problems with her there.

Maybe I'm projecting or creating something that really isn't there. Repeating the 3 C's and trying to stay out of it. Just needed to get that all out.

I wonder if I was drawn to my exabf because of my sister's issues. Can I blame her now? Just kidding.

[Lizrox]

I think it's time to play "tough love."

Best of Luck to you.

Liz

[MsGolightly]

Originally Posted by aztchr

I mentioned to my dad that I was seeing these red flags and he basically called me on it in a nice way. Take care of yourself and go about your business. He didn't comment about agreeing or disagreeing with me. I think he suspects, too, but he's so concerned about taking care of my niece. My sister takes advantage of my dad and he admitted he has allowed it and caused his own problems with her there.

i think that's probably the best advice to follow... to just take care of yourself and put as much distance there as you can (i know it's hard, her being your own flesh and blood), and even though those are some serious red flags, if you push, she's going to push harder. in the end, she'll do whatever she wants to do.

i have a feeling your parents will eventually get to the same point that you got to with your ex... being sick and tired of the behavior and letting her live her own life, whatever that entails. sometimes the process is a long one...

[aztchr]

Grrr..she stayed out again last night, but was in contact with my dad.
I just get angry that she thinks she can just come and go as she pleases with no regard to being with her daughter at important times (going to bed, getting up, feeding her, etc.) My dad is taking care of most of the primary responsibilities of raising my niece. When my sister is there, she'll play with her, but not for very long.
She goes to pre-school during the day, except when my sister is off, she keeps her home.
I can't go over there every day and provide the emotional and educational support for my niece. I feel like I need to though to help my dad out. He's so drained and has done so much!!

I feel guilty when I leave my parents' house and even today, I feel like I should be going over there, except I told my dad I really need to take care of some things here at my apartment.

My mom keeps saying I should talk to my sister. ??? What for? That turns into an argument I'm not wanting to have.

Sometimes doing nothing is the hardest for me!!

[minnie]

Oh, hon. Perhaps your Dad's willingness to look after your neice shows he has an inkling of what's going on?

I do believe that saying nothing is as much enabling as giving them cash to buy their DOC. Unacceptable behaviour is unacceptable behaviour, in my book. If we jsay nothing, then we are accepting the unacceptable. She will do what she wants, but perhaps you can decide with your folks the boundaries that are applicable and see if they will enforce them? She comes and goes as she pleases, because she knows that she can.

What do your folks think?

[aztchr]

My dad won't enforce anything really because he's trying to take care of my niece.

Yep, I agree that she does what she does because she can. No boundaries over there. My dad won't set any because he wouldn't follow through with them. He's too afraid of losing my niece if my sister were to leave with her.