OK... Help me out here please

[Cynay]

You know at times it is really hard to apply to your personal situation/life what you know is right for other people. What I can see so clearly for others I can not see in my own situation. Since it seems there are alot of people here stuggling with this idea I wanted to talk about it.

Explain to me why No Contact.

When a romantic relationship ends and they just want to be friends.... Is it possible? How long does it seem to take to not "care" romantically?

When the romantic relationship end period.

When he leaves or when he is unfaithful weather is is physical or mental or emotional.

When she leaves ... because its ovious he is just not that into him.

Talk with me about the Pro's and Con's of No Contact and your thoughts on them.

[mallowcup]

Well, no contact for me made me look at myself through my own eyes not his. I think no contact can be a mental place. No contact because "romantic", needs to include me. Romantic picks me first not a beer.
Romantic comes home. romantic calls.......no thanks to their idea of romantic. I guess the degree of contact is proportional to your degree of acceptance of their definition of it.

[embraced2000]

this was tough for me. although any contact i had with my x was chaos, i still needed to hear from him in some sort of way. it kept me fed.

i wasn't ready to let go completely. so any sort of contact, whether negative or not, was satisfactory in a real sick way.

no contact is so different for so many people. cutting of the ties that bind are not that easy.....no black or white, cut and dry, yes or no....unless, of course there is danger of life.

it was a process for me. slowly, i had to let go. and all the while, people were chanting the mantra...no contact....no contact....no contact....

millions of people could have told me that, but i quit listening two seconds into their advice....because i wasn't ready yet.

i think that each person knows when the time is right for no contact. no magic formula.

hope some of this helps.

[mallowcup]

Good analogy Embraced. I guess we have to decide how many sips of poison is just enough not to kill us. We used to suck the whole bottle down everytime we got thirsty. Then we took just enough sips to quench or thirst. Eventually, we just say, what the hell am I drinking?(too bad our alcoholics don't have that eiphany).

[LGLG07]

I agree that you have to be ready , no matter how many people are telling you that you're ready , only you know that for sure .

The way I see it , I spent so much time trying to make him stop drinking , stop lying and stop manipulating . It didnt work . Then it dawned on me . The only way to stop him from drinking , lying and manipulating me , was to remove myself . I cant control what he is going to do but I can certainly control what I was going to be subjected to .

[Cynay]

I agree that it hard..... and no contact comes when the person is ready....

But "why" do they chant no contact and do you agree?

[embraced2000]

ok cynay....earlier on, when i first joined, you suggested to me, many times....no contact.....so why did you say it?

what were your reasons, and your experiences with no contact that made you a believer?

in some cases, i agree....in most cases, i agree.

if the contact hurts you, then i agree.

if the contact is with an unstable person, then i agree.

if the contact is with someone whose relationship is still important, somewhat healthy, and one feels can progress to a different level, then i disagree.

i still have contact with former lovers, and we are just friends. i don't think i am civilized enough to continue to rub elbows with them and their mates on a regular basis....in other words, i wouldn't want to play cards with them on a weekly basis.

i don't thnk i am understanding what you are asking.

if i were still in love with someone, i could not have casual contact without it hurting my feelings.

am i getting closer to understanding your question...if not, clarify for me if you want to, ok?

[Rella927]

Cynay this was an awesome post....and I know from what embrace said on my thread-and in here makes ALOT of sense for me too. I can totally relate to what was said. Probably because I'm dealing with that now-I believe the no contact is for our own well being and believe it or not for them too. They are not going to get better if they still are able to have that contact with us and we for sure will not get better.

When they are better?....when we are better? ....Wow that is a tuff one Cynay-

I have run into X's (only one A in that bunch ) and have been civil and said hello how are you-but as far as having any kind of other kind of contact other than that- I feel that the with our A's and our own issues-that even when things are better are they ever really better because all the old wounds and emotions pop out. At least I know for me that they have and would-because we always wait for the old behaviour of our own to kick in and without a doubt wait for them to drop the bomb again.

If we chose a path to go down without them for our own sanity-why go back other than to remember the good moments and love we shared and savor that in our hearts and move on to happiness-if something is meant to be it will be-(I know so cliche)

[LGLG07]

i totally agree . each time i speak to my ah (we are seperated) is another chance he has to reel me in .
I think the most important part though is what we do with that time . If you have no contact for 2 wks and you do nothing but think of them , when you do call its going to be like you never had a break . However , if during that time you read up and get educated and learn how to handle yourself and set boundarys for yourself , when you do talk to them again it will be far different than it was before and the scales will be tipping in your favor .

Of course if you have children together absolute no contact is hard , I think you can learn how to limit the conversation to the kids and not get sucked in to another subject that has to do with the two of you .

JMO , Id love to hear how others feel too though

[mallowcup]

If I were trying to walk a tight rope, I wouldn't have contact with anyone who enjoyed shaking the wire. Not even a little bit.

[best]

First things First

From an AA perspective that means working on "Your" recovery first before you even start to think about relationships.
No major life changes is what is said. A relationship start would be a major life change and would hinder the growth of recovery. Life has enough problems without adding more whn we have a choice in the matter. So... for the first year the "suggestion" is...No major life changes.

First things first from a Godly perspective...

Seek Me first...

God doesn't say... clean yourself up, find recovery and then seek Me. He says Seek Him first and then all things will be given unto you.
Seeking God first and learning His ways before seeking a relationship will gain you a healthier relationship when you do things as God suggests.

First Things First

[Cynay]

ahhh embraced... such a doll.

I know my reasons, I know why I told you about the no contact. My view of no contact has been challenged by more then one person in the last week... Im still pretty straight on my views of no contact, but I want to be open too growth and learning too.

I want to know why all of YOU think it is a good or indifferent or bad Idea. So tell me what it means to you, how has it worked for better or worse in your life.

That is a good point Best... but I know for me personally it is really hard at times to understand what God suggests.... Its like you said once.... I asked for a relationship, he came and I said No... wrong one. I ask again for a relationship, he was sent and I again had to remind God that was the wrong one.... Seems we all have a different idea on when he is giving us a gift or not or even what kinda of a gift it is.

[SaTiT]

No contacts...mmm becuase it's intoxicating if there was contacts.
All of it...the fighting, love hunger, the making up...the cycle

My ex-wife use to start a fight so we can have make up sex.

My gf and I progressed..
make up sex, break up sex

My idea of a damning god...is no longer.
every experince i go through...it's for my benifite...to learn to stop the suffering.
it's learning to take the middle path.(balance)..everything to the extreem is not good for me.
Even being a goodie too shoes, still cuase me suffering or pain...I'm not accepting me as myself or being human.
Therefore..i have a harder time accepting others as being humans also.

[Cynay]

SaTiT... So did you come to a place where you did not have those feelings for her and therefore the intoxicating feeling of wanting left? or did you just not take the chance and keep the person out of your life.

[AllTooSober]

No contact works for me on both sides, whether I'm the one who left or the one who got left. Several years ago I was unceremoniously dumped by a guy who'd call now and then when he was "lonely," if you know what I mean. It was torture to me. For the better part of a year I ate my heart out over this idiot because every time he called I told myself he must be realizing that he can't do without me and we'd end up together after all, etc. It was total BS; he was just physically needy. I suffered huge amounts of pain because I allowed contact.

And in my most recent breakup when I left my A ex-fiance, I enforced the "no contact" for a somewhat different reason. Knowing he called, or hearing his messages, even though I didn't talk to him, just was a fresh slap in the face that he's mired in his addiction and can't see that he needs to get out, and all the pain I endured trying to "fix" him and all that goes with it. It was like a car-wreck on the road to recovery and I wanted as few setbacks as possible.

It's been well over a month since I was aware of any attempts on his part to contact me. My serenity has never been greater. I am starting to think that if I ran into him somewhere, or if I found out he tried to call, it wouldn't disturb me nearly to the extent it did at first.

To make a short story long (too late): no contact fosters healing. At least, it does for me.

[embraced2000]

ok....understood, now.

mallow said so much with so little words. love it.

however, getting there is so damned hard. when i first heard "no contact"....it was like hearing ya all quack. cause i wasn't listening. didn't want to.

no contact, imo, is the only way to go if i know i am ready to move on. and it is real easy for me, if i'm not emotionally invested in someone. piece of cake.

takes a tin man to follow no contact when my heart is invested.

[embraced2000]

satit...intoxicating...how well you defined the crazy contacts with my ex. very addictive. very fulfilling. very needed. very sensual. very sick.

[Cynay]

Yep this is the stuff Im looking for......

When my view of something is challenged by more then one person, different situations and different reasons.....

Well, its then I need to relook/think.... otherwise I might miss a lesson and I sure dont want to keep repeating hurtful ones.

[elizabeth1979]

if i were still in love with someone, i could not have casual contact without it hurting my feelings

THe dream of what could have been would be dancing in my head too much for this to fly for me. It was all busy in my brain when I moved last summer..when he called, begging me, drunk, homeless, that was a sick from of torture by taking his calls, bc I did still love him. I didnt leave bc I didnt love him, I left bc I didnt wnat to be with him anylonger. There is a big difference between the two.

Once I got past that hurdle, I went months with no contact. I loved it. I was myself..or at least finding out who she was..on my terms.

Now, we have some contact. Im not in love with him, nor do I have any romantic feelings towards him. Quite honestly, I dont see anything in him that makes him a healthy friend for me. His words indicate he still has romantic feelings for me. After a period of sobriety, hes replapsed, exhibiting serious codependant issues (imo), works alot (odd for him), and the big problem..he still attempts to manipulate and use me. It doesnt work and Im not too bothered by it, but...why would I be friends with someone like that?
My goal is too grow and maintain helathy relationships is all facets of my life.

Alcohol aside?

Im not getting anything from that 'friendship' Im not giving back anything and its not healthy for me.

[cagefree]

Cynay-

This is a marvelous thread you started and you ask a great question.

Why no contact? For me - I've finally realized that I was a frog in a pot, slowly being cooked.

I've left the pot and have no desire to hop back in.

Funny thing is, since I've dried off I've noticed my hot tub turned into a boiling cauldron. Looks like the spell is wearing off...

Basically, I have friends who would never stoop to his lies and manipulations - so why would I want to be friends with that? He rejects me and is now calling again leaving messages about how he hopes to hear from me.

It's got nothing to do with romance, friendship or loyalty, etc.

Point is, he still thinks he needs me. If he didn't feel he needed me, I wouldn't be hearing from him.

If I were still in contact with him, I'd be running around chasing my tail, asking myself why he did this, or why is he saying that, doing this, going there, etc...

Frankly, I just don't give a....

[sthrnraizd]

WOW, Bring out the stuff why dont ya, :-)

For me this has only been a week today since my A brokeup. I didnt see it coming. I heard all the loving words from him, I stood by the crap. Then it ended, suddenly, without notice.
My heart wasnt prepared for that reality. And it couldnt grasp the concept that my A somehow so suddenly had no emotional feelings except that of freinds??
For me, I've finally reached the place I need to have no contact. The issue is that I still love the exAbf, but he doesnt love me. So until my heart adjusts to this idea I cannt see him, because I reach out to him with emotions he will not reply to and it hurts me more. I must let the emotional contact to him DIE, before I can even think about friends? And my exAbf hasnt move towards real healing for his drinking so he is still very toxic to me. And I cannot afford to be hurt any further than he already has. I think part of it is self protection....we love the other person, but till they can learn to love us with respect we need to back off. Gain a clear perspective of things. It sucks so much!!!!!!!!!!!

[SaTiT]

I had to hit an emotional bottom first

I love my Gf very much. and I also care for her
and charris her, more than I 've ever had.
becuase love is a word i can just use easier.
To stad by her side day by day takes caring and charrishing her.

It just not totally intoxicating all the time...i had to seperate
my codi habits for the love of my GF.
i love myself first and have realtionship with my HP first.
I'm my own person or being. i allow my GF to be herself too.

here's what I'm saying...the love between my Gf and I.
I'm in love with her...but I'm not emmeshing with her

[denny57]

Well, I'm no tin man and I went no contact. :-)

I think the idea I will do something when "I'm ready" only works in hindsight. I can look back now and see I did things theoretically when I was "ready" - in other words I became aware and acted on it. I might otherwise use that phrase to keep me stuck. I hope that makes sense - in other words, I don't want to walk around saying to myself, I'll do that when I'm ready. As if it will magically happen.

Since working a program of recovery, I've learned that's the thinking that got me stuck. It's hard work. It hurts. It gets me there.

I was not ready to go no contact. I did it because it was the right thing to do. Once I became aware (ok, once my therapist, our doctor, AH's therapist and my Al-Anon fellowship helped me become aware LOL), my head knew that it was right and if I waited for my heart to catch up I might still be in an intolerable situation.

No one should assume going no contact is not painful. It wasn't. Today I consider it one of the best gifts I ever gave myself. A gift that keeps giving, as I'm learning to let go of all the unhealthy relationships I've clung to. The healthy ones that remain are a great source of joy to me.

There comes a time when moving on is a good idea.

[IO Storm]

Cynay:

Hi sweetie.

You asked the question earlier.....

No contact and why do they chant it?

You have received good advice here, advice you have given

others before. It is so hard when it is you needing the

advice, I know. my Daddy always used to say "Follow

your heart", but he didn't know how sick I really was.

Cynay, so much I could say but I believe the best I can

give you is to try to step outside of your feelings for a

moment, and look at your situation...

How will this contact affect my relationships with...

God
Sobriety
Self
Children

As Elizabeth 1979 said....

My goal is too grow and maintain helathy relationships is all facets of my life.

Alcohol aside?

Im not getting anything from that 'friendship' Im not giving back anything and its not healthy for me.

Another thing my Daddy said...

"There are always more fish in the sea."

Hope any of this helps.

You are special to me and to many.


Love,



Sherry

[embraced2000]

welcome back denny!

going no contact when i was ready was certainly not a clearly made decision...for i didn't even know what it was about, really. just knew the terms and what it meant on a very kindergarten level.

it was something i did after i became more aware of my ownself....after i got a real hard education. it was never a clear moment when i stated....hey, i'm going no contact.....i've been such a difficult student in this new field of study....and many times, any progress i made was purely by accident, not by plan.

love this thread.