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Old 04-10-2007, 07:48 PM   #1 (permalink)
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My boyfriend is insanely jealous!

I have been dating him for a year and a half almost, basically I caught him on the rebound, he split with his wife and we started dating right afterwards, yes I did know this, what i didn't know was that he had a drinking problem. He never showed me that side of him until about 7 months into our relationship. I live in a very small town, everyone knows everyone and their business, so we have fallen victims of some terrible rumours, I can handle those. The problem is, my boyfriend is extremely jealous of any guy that talks or looks at me, or any one of them from my past (I was married, now divorced for several years) He says very hurtful things to me both while he is drinking and while he is sober, then he turns around and is so loving and caring and nurturing. He talks about how he wants to be with me forever, then gets drunk and calls me horrible names. He constantly accuses me now of cheating on him and wanting other men. I DON"T! I have never been this commited to a relationship in my life! I love him with every part of me I have and do everything I can to make him feel secure.He has finally gotten to the point in his life (rock bottom)where he has admitted to being an alcoholic, I'm so proud of him! He has taken the steps to get himself into treatment and now we are just waiting for the call for him to go, but with it and all my support towards his decision (my mom is an addictions councellor), he now is accusing me of just wanting to get rid of him so I can be with other people while he is in recovery! I know it all comes with the alcoholism, but I don't know how to respond to his accusations in a healthy way. I cry alot and that drives him crazy, but I am sensitive and try to be strong but that ONE little tear gets out and it opens the floodgates...how do I be strong for him? for me???
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Old 04-10-2007, 08:12 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by Gregsgirl View Post
my boyfriend is extremely jealous...He says very hurtful things to me both while he is drinking and while he is sober...gets drunk and calls me horrible names. He constantly accuses me now of cheating on him and wanting other men... I have never been this commited to a relationship in my life!

I don't know how to respond to his accusations in a healthy way. I cry alot and that drives him crazy, but I am sensitive and try to be strong but that ONE little tear gets out and it opens the floodgates...how do I be strong for him? for me???

Hello there Gregsgirl. Nice to meet you!

After reading your post, I can't help but ask you what good you get out of being with him if he calls you names and accuses you of things. It seems like he is acting really irrational. And I would be very careful - I think that jealousy is a BIG red flag. What's in this relationship for you? Do you think you deserve to be with someone who calls you names and accuses you of cheating all the time?

It is so hard to be "strong" when a person you spend so much time with is acting so mean and irrational. It is only natural to feel less than great when you have to put up with that b.s.

Crying is natural, normal, good for you, and should be a big sign that maybe your own subconscious is screaming out for you to pay attention to what is really going on. I know that's happend to me before!

I hope you keep posting!
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Old 04-10-2007, 08:29 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Welcome to SR,
I'm glad you decided to come by and share your story here.

His behavior towards you does not 'come with alcoholism.' He is abusive.

I urge you to read the stickys marked 'abuse' on the top of the forum page- his behavior will escalate and you need to be prepared.

Please stop and think of how you would feel if a sister or bestfriend of yours was being treated this way... what you say to her?

He accuses you, is cruel to you- blames you and then tells you that YOU are not allowed to cry? You don't need to be strong 'for him' you need to be strong for yourself.

Is he the kind of person you want to have a family with? No child deserves to live with that behavior...and it will be directed to kids just as easily as it is to you now.

I hope you will keep coming back here to share about how you are doing- I know that you may have a hard time accepting these replies but I hope you will keep an open mind and know that many here have been in your situation.
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Old 04-11-2007, 01:25 AM   #4 (permalink)
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I would start by asking your Mom. She has first hand experience in this field. We also have experience, by living with the A, but it doesn't mean that we are doing things the proper way. We can only tell you almost the exact same stories on how our A in our lives has treated us. We can give advice, but with your mom being a counselor, that would be the first person I would be asking questions from.

You're in the right place and you know there is a problem, so Welcome, and I am guessing in about two months, you will be able to give us some advice

My A also does the accusations. I am a stay-at-home mom and barely have time to take a shower most days.....so I don't know when he thinks I could actually be out having affairs. LOL When I pointed this out once, he actually thought I was getting dressed up, going out, and returning and messing up my makeup/hair to look as bad as it did when he left for work. When he realized how ridiculous that was, he started in that I must be having an online affair.... After you get to the point where you know the stuff he is saying is so pointless, it gets easier, then it gets comical. I can almost predict word for word what garbage is going to spew, directly related to how many beers he has had.

I would say learn how to detach. Know when to not engage an alcoholic when they have been drinking. Then, start setting up boundaries, on what is not acceptable to you.

Read everything here too......it's a gold mine. It's alot to absorb, but it's well worth it. And always remember, this is HIS problem....you can't (and shouldn't) try to fix it.
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Old 04-11-2007, 06:31 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Drop him like a bad habit. He will most likely get worse as he trys to control your life. And make no mistake...thats where he is heading. He wants you to yeild to his demands, dictate who you see, who you talk too.

Then once he has you cut off from friends and family.....he will move to physical abuse.

So get out while you still can. Find someone who will treat you like you deserve to be treated.
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Old 04-11-2007, 06:32 AM   #6 (permalink)
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My ex did that crap to me.
Its abuse. Plain and Simple.
In my experience, Guy was right.

Hugs to you
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Old 04-11-2007, 06:44 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Check out this article:

Warning Signs You Are Dating A Loser

http://relationships.blog-city.com/w...ng_a_loser.htm


You are dating a loser. End it, move on......find a nice guy. We are out there!
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Old 04-11-2007, 10:41 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Ok, guys, my husband was verbally abusive when he was drunk, well sometimes, other times he would go on and on and on about how much he loved me and couldn't be happier, just depended on the day and his mood when he started drinking I guess.

Today, he has been sober over two years and would never call me names, I know that now. He would never accuse me of cheating, never cuss at me (or in front of me for the most part).

I guess what I am trying to say is they are not all the same, they are not all different, but if he is serious about sobriety, doing it for the right reasons and really wants to change, there is a chance that miracle they talk about will happen.

He is going in to treatment, and the best advice I got when my husband was going into treatment was to give it a year. I did, and let me tell you it was a trying year, but about 9 months in I started to see great changes in him and that allowed me to commit to one more year, now I am here for the long haul.

I would see what treatment brings, if you don't see drastic changes in the first year.....get out. If you don't want to give it a year, choose a time frame that will work for you.
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Old 04-11-2007, 06:09 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Holy, thank you everyone who responded!That is mind blowing how many people out there will take their time to help someone they dont know out, my most sincere gratitude to you! I truly appreciate the advice. I have to say that being in this situation, like so many others, has being a huge awakening for me.My mom is a recovered alcoholic, almost 30 years sober, who has dedicated her life to helping those who are in the shoes she walked in so many years ago. I have grown up surrounded by recovered and recovering, "falling off the wagon" "hitting rock bottom" people, it's all I ever knew! Alateen, Alanon and AA meetings, group sessions in my home...you would think I would know exactly what to do! HA! I think until now I haven't had enough appreciation for the people that have been recovered, my mom included, I haven't supported the people brave enough to stand up and say "I have a problem and I need help"..I haven't had the patience for the people directly affected by someone else's illness. to all of you I thank you and I apologize for just not listening. There is many words of good advice, harleygirl, kudo's to you for sticking in there and being so supportive, I'm glad it paid off for you, I think I will see him through his treatment, and hopefully beyond that...he hasn't picked up the bottle in a week and 2 days, which is a big step for him, one he should be proud of, and the steps he is taking to get into treatment have been consistant over this week, which is not like him at all, he is still as determined today as he was the day he decided to get help and I don't feel like I can turn my back on him now...today he ignored the phonecalls of his drinking buddy and it didn't seem to bother him, he wants to surround himself with positive people...that is a step in itself isn't it? or am I just being completely blind? I can't help it, I'm proud of him today, and I hope to be proud of him still tomorrow...will I know until I am faced with it again if I should stay or if I should go?
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Old 04-12-2007, 05:00 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Hi there Gregsgirl. I am glad to hear that he is still not drinking. Yes, that is a good start.

What has he done that is so wonderful that makes you feel like you 'can't turn your back on him now'?

You ask "am I being completely blind"? Well, no one can answer that for you. What does you mom say about this guy? She sounds like a pretty valuable source of information. It sounds like your intuition is trying to tell you something about this guy, and maybe you don't want to listen.

Do you think him being mean to you is an acceptable behavior and that you'd like to stick around? What does your mom say about him treating you this way?
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Old 04-12-2007, 05:25 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Hi Gregsgirl. Boy are you ever in the right place!!!!

I just got away, for the 3rd time, from someone who sounds very much like your guy. Get out while you're young. I'm 50 years old, and I have been repeating the same behaviors for, obviously, most of my adult life. No one deserves to be treated like this. My daughter is 21 and I am doing EVERYTHING that I can to help her break this cycle.

Check out the warning signs from guyinNC.
My ex-Abf should have his picture posted on this site.

Keep coming here. These people are great!
Good luck and God Bless!
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Old 04-12-2007, 06:23 AM   #12 (permalink)
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This can become dangerous. I know that no matter how you try to appease him, your contact with the outside world will get smaller and smaller until you don't leave the house. You go out praying that no one speaks to you because it leads to a hour long explanation. This is a way to isolate you, make you feel bad for having someone say hello.
I would leave, fast and quietly.
This is important. He will continue to do this because he can feel his own power. He will kick it up a knotch and yo could get hurt.
No matter what you do, he won't change and the situation grows in its potential for true danger for you.
Has anything you've done so far to appease him made things better or worse.
You are an adult woman not an obedient dog.
I wouldn not discuss it or tip him off, I'd leave and sever contact.
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Old 04-12-2007, 06:56 AM   #13 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by cmc View Post
Welcome to SR,
I'm glad you decided to come by and share your story here.

His behavior towards you does not 'come with alcoholism.' He is abusive.

I urge you to read the stickys marked 'abuse' on the top of the forum page- his behavior will escalate and you need to be prepared.

Please stop and think of how you would feel if a sister or bestfriend of yours was being treated this way... what you say to her?

He accuses you, is cruel to you- blames you and then tells you that YOU are not allowed to cry? You don't need to be strong 'for him' you need to be strong for yourself.

Is he the kind of person you want to have a family with? No child deserves to live with that behavior...and it will be directed to kids just as easily as it is to you now.

I hope you will keep coming back here to share about how you are doing- I know that you may have a hard time accepting these replies but I hope you will keep an open mind and know that many here have been in your situation.
Drop him like a bad habit. He will most likely get worse as he trys to control your life. And make no mistake...thats where he is heading. He wants you to yeild to his demands, dictate who you see, who you talk too.

"Then once he has you cut off from friends and family.....he will move to physical abuse.

So get out while you still can. Find someone who will treat you like you deserve to be treated." GuyInNC

GregsGirl Welcome to SR! Keep posting and coming back!

Reading your post was like looking into a mirror for me! CMC could not have put this any better-"His behavior towards you does not 'come with alcoholism.' He is abusive." It is hard to hear and I know this...I use to say "BUT I love him" "BUT I think he is going to stop now he knows I'm serious" "He is in therapy now I know this will work" I was blind and too busy allowing his disease suck me into every free minute and moment of the day and take away from my life, my responsibilities-until one day I woke up and said what am I doing to myself? That was the day I was dragged down the stairs on my back (I have two disc herniations) among many other things in the past with him-I got help for me and left him in the wind-after trying so many times to direct him towards seeking help-he made his choices and I made mine. It is unacceptable behavior and trust me as cmc states it so perfect which took me years to realize "it does not come from the alcoholism."

My x A hit rock bottom in the same manner that you are stating but actually hit rock bottom 5 more times-and he is still drinking so there has been no bottom for him-we see it as hope that the hit bottom and create these things in our head-that just creates more drama and chaos that is not warranted.

Hon trust me-we all want to stick by someone that we love that is going through this terrible disease (as my brother is too) but when they are abusive run the other way-trust me from expierence and what cmc said!

BIG HUGS and keep posting here-everyone is great in here and will support you. It may not always be what you want to hear but trust me in the long run you will be glad for what you read! Find a Al-Anon meeting for yourself they work wonders!!
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Old 04-12-2007, 07:50 AM   #14 (permalink)
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Keep your eyes open, be safe! and (most importantly) concentrate on your own recovery...JMHO.

Do what you need to do and pay attention to your "little voice". Also glad you have the recovery help surrounding you.

Best wishes to you both.

Keep us posted on what's going on with you; no matter what you chose to do or not do. (afterall, it's your choice)
*hugs*
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Old 04-12-2007, 08:24 AM   #15 (permalink)
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Rella927. You are so right. I could not stand the person I had become much less the person he had become. What was I doing--snooping in his car? That was when I realized that I had to get off the train track. Thanks for the post. It also helped me.
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Old 04-12-2007, 09:51 AM   #16 (permalink)
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Yes loveroy.....snooping in the cabinets in his apartment (after I kicked him out of my house mind you) checking the bottles....counting the beers in the fridge....checking his wallet....oh wait and did I mention going to cook vodka sauce and putting in almost an entire 1/2 of a bottle because I could not taste anything-(hmmmm water maybe?) LOL! I laugh now ..but then I was not happy!

It takes time but we all wake up sooner or later!
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Old 04-12-2007, 10:11 AM   #17 (permalink)
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Welcome Gregsgirl...I'm assuming that is BF's name.

You are with an incredibly wounded and broken person with heaps and heaps of work ahead of him. His work..not yours. You need to look at why a relationship that includes a fairly healthy dose of emotional abuse is the one you're in. I'm a recovering alcoholic...my ex was an alcoholic/addict. He was broken too and could be fairly insensitive and yep, insanely jealous...but he NEVER called me names or insulted me personally. Never...no matter how drunk or stoned.

It is not your job to be "proud" of him. Sorry, unless you're the dude's mom...I have never liked that term in relation to anyone except the parent of child. You are not his parent. I don't mean to sound harsh hon...but you need some rigourous self honesty. I'm so glad you have found this site. It's been a tremendous blessing to me. Keep reading.....keep working on yourself...that's the best support you can be to your AH. Be the change, you want in the world.
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Old 04-12-2007, 11:02 AM   #18 (permalink)
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You are living with a lot of red flags there.

I think you should take some time and think about yourself and what you want and deserve.

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Old 04-12-2007, 01:09 PM   #19 (permalink)
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Earthworm's post reminded me of this:
Hedda Nussbaum’s Red flags, First hand advice on how to spot an abuser, or at the very least a controlling man with a capacity for abuse:

1. He pushes too far, too fast, planning your future together right away
2. He hates his mother and is nasty to her
3. He wants your undivided attention
4. He must always be in charge
5. He always has to win
6. He breaks promises all the time
7. He can’t take criticism and always justifies his actions
8. He blames someone else for anything that goes wrong
9. He’s jealous of your close friends, family members, and all other men
10. He always asks you where you went and whom you saw
11. He has extreme highs and lows that are unpredictable
12. He has a mean temper
13. He often says you don’t know what you are talking about
14. He makes you feel like you’re not good enough
15. He withdraws his love or approval as punishment
16. He pushes you to do things that make you feel uneasy, like taking the day off from work or even breaking the law.
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Old 04-12-2007, 06:23 PM   #20 (permalink)
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Detaching from the person's moods, not allowing them to decide how YOU feel is what I am supposed to do right? With that I think that I will get the time in my own head (by letting go of the wonder of what's in HIS head) to really be able to think clearly about where I am... the thought of him not in my life bothers me yes, because I DO care about what happens to him...the thought of him not being a PART of my life also bothers me, but I know that I can deal with it and move on. I am working on the detaching part... he can say and think what he wants, i am not going to let it stop me from living my own life...if he really doesn't like it he will walk away himself. This week has been really good, today was ok, he was moody but caught himself getting into a mood and apologized and said he would call me when he was feeling better...that tells me he doesn't want to expose me to his moods anymore...I don't know guys...he is getting the help for himself and he stands by that, he says he doesn't even want to think about our future until he is better...are these all normal things that "repeating offenders" ( for lack of better words) ..say?...I am truly looking for guidance here because I haven't faced this in my own personal life, only watched it as a child...he has kept in constant touch with my mom the past few days too...I didn't even know he was calling her, she just told me today...please someone tell me that there is hope for him! I don't even care about "us" at this point...just him as a person and his well being. I do care about myself too, but sometimes is it okay if we just care about someone else just for a little while a little more than ourselves?
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