Nuudawn

Caring MORE than we care for ourselves? I don't think that's healthy. As much ..yes. Your own oxygen mask has to securely fastened before you can tend to others. Caring for another should not mean putting your personal safety and emotional well being in willing jeopardy. I still care very deeply for exAbf..but as long as he drinks and uses he is a danger to himself and anyone in his path. I am simply nowhere near strong enough to subject myself to emotional abuse without being severely affected...not by someone I care for; anyone really. I pray for my exAbf...that is all I can do.

It is incredibly unwise (and somewhat masochistic) to attach yourself to a substance abuser.

Gregsgirl

I don't mean care MORE for him than myself because of course we have to look after ourselves first and foremost..I mean setting aside my emotions...maybe becoming "the rock" I guess you could say, just long enough to see him into treatment then take the time that he is in there for myself and decide then what is good for me ... its so confusing! He has asked me to go with him for a 6 day program that includes anyone affected by his drinking, I do want to go, but I don't at the same time because I am so uncertain about what I will decide while he's gone. I'm not masochistic..just afraid of losing out on what COULD be something wonderful..and at the same time scared to death of what COULD be something horrifying..

Nuudawn

Uncertainty is fine. Do what you know you need to do for you. Follow your heart but just know....this is a roller coaster. I'm an alcoholic with only 4 months sobriety under her belt.

I would hope you know what your definition of wonderful is...what you want and need from a partner. Write it down...what you want and need. Keep it close to your heart...see how he measures up over the next haul.

I do not mean to sound flip or cold...I just know firsthand the devastation that is alcoholism. It's an incredibly uphill battle.

Nuudawn

And I just need to add GG....under alcoholism, there is often a very sensitive and caring person buried within. I am not saying your boyfriend is bad...but his behaviour is. When you give your heart to an alcoholic you are giving it over to someone who has no control over themselves...whose relationship is with alcohol...that is the first priority. If he is serious...by all means support him. But know there is hard work to be done in recovery. It often doesn't get any easier when the alcoholic stops drinking...it takes patience. For the good of both of you, try and remain centred in your own soul.

Keep posting.

elizabeth1979

Something I wanted to add.
My ex, is in my opinion very codependent, as well as an alcoholic. My issue is that when I was with him, he wasnt seeking recovery for either and his behavior was so disturbing to me. He had serious abandonment issues, control issues, a gentic legacy of alcohol-emotional-and physical abuse, and was simply not equipped with the tools to deal with his issues, so by projecting his issues onto me I was being controlled, abused, manipulated, and by trying to 'support' him I ultimately was treated worse than I would treat an animal.

The jealousy was worse than the drinking. Searching through my purse, my phone, my dresser drawers, my car, etc. Telling me when I could go out, when I couldn't..calling me 15 times a day, showing up at my office unannounced, hiding my keys, accusing me of cheating, calling me a *****, calling my friends asking who I was f**king...all things I thought he would just 'get over' and I could 'prove' to him I wasnt cheating.

All this nonsensical behavior (ABUSE) led to him shattering my cell phone against my wall, then physically prohibitting me from leaving my own home by holding my head down on the ground until I let go of the car keys in my hand....so I wouldnt leave.

Its disgusting, disturbing, violent preceding behavior that I dealt with that led to that. Be careful. Jealousy is a torid emotion.


This kind of person will never get the validation they need to believe their partner isnt cheating. In my case, I believe my ex was looking for something from me to prove his worth, that utimately has to come from inside himself.

Gregsgirl

Getting control of myself again! I come to the realization that what I have been hanging onto and hoping for is what I had at the beginning of our relationship, the honeymoon phase...it was so awesome! That's my "wonderful" . I know that every relationship loses that the more into it you get, the excitement of seeing eachother and spending time with that person, butterflies in your belly, can't stop smiling, and EVERYONE at work is asking why you have lost so much weight! Just thinking about how it was gets my stomache flipping .. We won't feel that way again I know that, I can accept that...but there was a time it happened and a time that we both felt like that, I could hear it in his voice everytime we spoke on the phone, like 1 minute was too long to be away from eachother. 6 months we spent every second we could together, madly in love and loving it! He never chose his friends over me, he never uttered a bad word to me...he never took a drink around me. 1 week 5 days...he's still sober.He hasn't said anything ignorant to me, he voices his concerns still about what will happen when he goes away, but in a more gentle way, and more asking me if I promise not to run around on him because he is so scared of it. No out right accusations. Last night we went for a drive in the country, 2 and a half hours and we just talked and talked and not once did the subject of booze come up until his dad called and asked if he was drinking...he didn't get angry, he just said "no dad, I said I am done and I am done, you need to believe that." calm and rational. It blew me away. This isn't the man I've been dating for a year, he was the man I was dating that first six months...he held my hand and kissed it while we drove and just talked about the history of our little town and showed me all the places that he had been while growing up , where they used to dirtbike, and hunt, and where the crazy chicken lady lived and where his dad grew up...this is all stuff he has never done before! I'm trying not to get to excited because I know it could all come crashing down with one beer. I am keeping my guard up and hoping to God that this isn't just his way of getting me back wrapped around his finger. I simply say when he asks me to be good while he's gone..." of course I will be good, I think more of myself than to be so dishonest as to cheat on you or anyone" and " you are going to think what you will and I will not defend myself anymore"...he doesn't know what to say to that and we carry on. Am I getting ANYWHERE? or am I just on the left side of the circle on my way to where I was?

Nuudawn

Only time will tell GG. Welcome to the roller coaster. Sobering up is hard. Damn hard. All it takes is one weak moment...and it can all come crashing down. Relationships are always a gamble...and you've already got some admittedly funky dice.

Keep your communication lines open with God and with yourself. Have faith in your greater good. Everything happens for a reason...and relationships are our greatest teachers.

Gregsgirl

you have no idea how good it feels to talk about it...even if its just on here..I don't go out of the house , really not a people person myself, so I haven't made too many friends that I would be able to talk to here in this little town..I only moved here almost 4 years ago now and I got my sisters here..thats it lol.. they are waaay too busy with their lives to bother with mine.You have been a great help Nuudawn, and everyone that's offered their piece, it opens up so much for me just to get it out and have such a variety of feedback, makes me see that there are options, not just one way to do things...thank you so much!

guyinNC

That is why we date....to learn about the other person. What have you learned????

The 6 month honeymoon phase is over, and you will never get it back. So now its O.K. to be treated like some ______! You fill in the blank. How do think he will treat you 10 years from now?

Is this a possibility?? He is being nice for the moment because he is going away to rehab and you will be out of his control. So he plays on your emotions, sympathys. Stay near the phone, so when he calls,you will answer. What did you do last night? I love you, sorry I behaved so badly....its was the booze. My dear, the booze is no excuse for how he has treated you.

You are not married to this man. I assume you don't have children together. You have the right to decide what you want to do with your life. From what you have witnessed with your own two eyes, imagine a future with this man. The real test will be not now, not right after rehab........but years from now. He has a lot of hard work head of him to get his life together. It's his battle, not yours. Can he change? I don't know.

Gregsgirl

Those were my thoughts exactly! Is he just on "good behaviour" to make sure I don't go anywhere or do anything while he is gone...no I am not married to him, no I wouldn't even consider it if he asked. I will not do the footwork for him, I know I can't do anything to make him better, its in his hands, he's gotta do it for himself.I would walk away right now if I didn't think that , whether we are a couple or not..he needed my support because he hasn't got anyone else...all his drinking buddies are not talking to him, they found someone else to drink with, thank God...his parents think that he is going to slip, which he very well may, but shouldn't we just give him an honest chance to at least TRY? Because of is lack of self esteem and not thinking that he is good enough for positive people in his life..I'm so scared to walk away in case there is no one there to celebrate with him his sobriety...but at the same time..if he falls, I won't be there to get hurt this time if I do walk away... yup..roller coaster about sums it up! I hate the thought of anyone being alone, let alone someone I care for so deeply.You ask why I care so much? and I say because I know what he was before, and I catch a glimpse of that from time to time, and all this week...you sick of hearing about it yet? lol
I think that there are many cases where there is just no hope to keep hanging on and you have no other choice but to walk away , but doesn't that hopelessness show? what if hope shows in one person and you are the only one that sees it? Do we see it only because we want it so badly, or do we see it because it really is there? OI...what the heck! I'm so messed up lol.

guyinNC

I have learned a lot in the past few years in witnessing my wifes, now x wifes, descent into the alcohlism. We were married 19 years, have two children, and the first 15 were good...at least in my opinion. I thought I could save her and our marriage. I had a lot more invested in our relationship, much more to lose. But I was not that strong. I am powerless over alcohol. Its in my nature to try and help the ones I love, the old boy scout in me! LOL So it was The hardest thing I ever had to do, to let the drowning man drown, and hope he saves himself. Otherwise you will drown too!

You are young, lots of life ahead. It is the only life you will ever get on this earth at least. Let Greg find his path......you take the other fork in the road and walk towards a life you control, a chance for happiness. There you will find peace.

Gregsgirl

you're so right...I chose my own path so far..I'm sure he was doing just fine finding his own way before me, I don't know why I would think he couldn't do it without me now...maybe I'm the one hanging on too hard not wanting to let him go. I'm scared for him, I know its not my job, he's young..younger than me by a few years...maybe I'm mothering too much? hmmm

Gregsgirl

just a quick message to everyone that took the time to share their words of wisdom and experiences with me, thank you again...things are going very well, he's in rehab now and has made and welcomed the changes in his life...he even sent me a dozen red roses..never done that before! He's doing really well! and so am I! Thanks again everyone!

Janitw

Hello there Gregsgirl - it sounds to me from what I am hearing is that you were born into codieism....but with that said all I can say since I can tell from your words that you love him too much to give him up or to let go and let God - right?

Watch out for that 13th step when he goes into recovery...

When my XAH left us I believe the reason he went looking for another woman was because I had detached many years ago its just that I didnt know what I was doing was called detachment. And I was very good at it by the way. And once I did that and he could see that I didnt buy into his stories or bullcrap anymore - he actually after 22 years took off for the last time. Hunny - he's an ex-husband for a reason...open your eyes and maybe even talk to his ex if you can and talk to her maybe she can help open those eyes of yours. Even tho you have lived with all of this AA, Alanon and ect...you need him more than he needs you and you dont even know it.....you need a program too hun....but I think your mom will coach you in this regard. Stay strong because many times they use the "I'm gonna get help routine" solely for their own benefit and had no desire what so ever about really getting sober at all.

elizabeth1979

Not every alcoholic in recovery cheats Janit.

Referred to as 13th stepping, this is fairly common, but not something I would want to be waiting for.

My ex went to rehab several times and although he did some nasty things to me, he didnt cheat. Not all drinkers cheat and not all cheaters drink.

One day at a time Gregs girl! Glad things are going well for you both!

Pick-a-name

Have you read "Getting Them Sober"? if not, you might find it eye-opening and give some answer some of you questions. (preview chapters at http://www.GettingThemSober.com)

Gregsgirl

Ah, words right from my mother I am going to my first Alanon meeting as the partner of an alcoholic, next week with my mom, I have been reading the literature she gave me and my "need" for him has dwindled immensely. I am quite prepared to let go should he prove to me that his treatment was strictly to get himself out of hot water, and I'm okay with that. I am not scared anymore of losing him, I have me to think about, what he does he will do all on his own, should he continue with his program afterward then I support him and will love him through it because yes, i do love him like crazy, but I love me more...thank you for those words, how comforting
I have put it into God's hands and I pray for him every night to find himself in peace with himself and live honestly and purely...all I CAN do is leave it up to him and God, I have no power over it.

Gregsgirl

I just want to add to what I said before responding to Janit...13 stepping..I didn't know what that was until now...13th stepping is not my concern..his health...MY health..he's not the type to seek out other women, he's the type to seek out the drinking buddy..I do appreciate your advice, and the letting go and letting God reminder, I can't hear that enough these days as that is really tough! I agree with Elizabeth, not everyone that drinks cheats...I have been concerned in the past, but that is no longer an issue, it was a concern that I got when it all came crashing down on me..when there was so much to take it all at once, I think I created alot of those thoughts on my own just thinking and thinking and thinking about what else there could be going on right in front of me that I wasn't aware of! But I'm getting it all sorted out, seeing him for what he is, an alcoholic. He asked me last night (after his group session) if he verbally and mentally abused me and I just said YES! I am not afraid to say exactly how he has hurt me anymore..I didn;t down play it or say it was ok because its not! He never said anything after that, just that things will be so different when he gets finished treatment..thought sneaking up...ya right..I heard THAT before...but I guess I will just have to wait and see, keep working on myself and my health while he is in there working on his!

Live

Just know that acoholism and abuse are two entirely different issues.

Jealousy and accusations are a big red flag and one of the first to arrive.
I think Elizabeth explained how it goes down very well.

Gregsgirl

Well I'm geting it all sorted out slowly that's for sure..I was married to a man that I believe was an alcoholic but I didn't stick around long enough to find out, because of there being so many other issues aside from his drinking..that's a whole other story lol. But with Greg it is all so different, his councillor says he is doing really well and taking full advantage of all the program has to offer..he's taking anger management classes and relaxation classes...I think that there is alot of hope for him, he's talking about going back to school and is interested in the field itself, but that is still a long way's away...as for hope for him and I...its the least of my concerns anymore! Red Flags are dually noted!Thanks everyone!