Recovering alcoholic looking for advice

[AnotherOne]

Hi

I'm now 20 months sober thanks to the people, power and program of AA, and I'm looking for some information or advice for my wife.

My recovery started when we were 15 years married, and my drinking had followed the typical degenerative pattern of alcoholism. We would have split up had it not been for my son, then 9 and the twins my wife was pregnant with.

Since the twins were born life has been hectic, and we are now coming to realise that in many ways our relationship is worse than it was at the end of my drinking. We are starting to work on that, and one of the issues is that after 15 years of her trying to keep the relationship together and "solve" my alcoholism, I'm now sorting myself out without her being in control.
I'm sure there are many more we are unaware of.

I understand enough about the family illness as it is discussed at AA meetings, but of course I'll never understand what it has been like for her living with an active alcoholic for so long.

What I'm looking for is a source of information for her to explain independantly of me what effect my alcoholism has had on her and what she can do about it.

I guess I'll get told that she should go to AlAnon, but she has been once, and decided not to go back - a decision I do not agree with but must respect.

Thanks for any help,

Michael

[journeygal]

Hi Michael and congratulations on your 20 months of sobriety!

Is your wife asking for your help or are you trying to convince her that she needs help? Because I'm sure you know from your own recovery that it's up to her to realize she has issues as a result of living with an alcoholic, and that she'll need to seek out her own path to healing and understanding.

However, if she has asked for your help, you might suggest the book "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie. And you might also tell her about these boards - there's a lot of support here from people who have been through and are going through the things your wife has experienced. And of course, Al-anon is a great program for the family members of alcoholics.

Hope this helps!

[Summer]

"Getting them Sober" by Toby Drews helped me alot. Volume 1 is more for the person living with active alcoholism but Vol 2 and 3 are more informative. Also lots of info at your local alanon office can be picked up. "Under the Influence" by Dr. Milan is good too. Helps to understand the disease. Hopefully she is open to learning about it otherwise there's not really much you can do.

[Sarah2003]

Hi Michael,

All the books mentioned are excellent. A book I picked up recently, and could not put down, is called Boundaries by Dr's Henry Cloud and John Townsend.

I wish you and her well,

S

[Ann]

Hi Michael

I know many people feel "HE is the one with the problem, why should "I" have to do anything?" And the answer is that they don't have to do anything, but they will do themselves and the relationship a favour if they at least read some of the stuff suggested above.

It took me a long time to realize just how much I had been affected by my son's addiction, and the regardless of whether he stayed clean or not, that I needed to address my own issues.

Al-Anon or any 12-step are not for everyone, although for me it was a lifesavere. But many recovery through other methods, reading, counselling, and other self-help methods.

It takes a long time to heal, for you and for her, from the wounds that were opened the past number of years. My prayers go out for both of you that you can find the recovery and peace that you seek.

[JT]

Another one,

When I entered the Alanon program alot of damage had been done to my relationship with my husband. My son is the alcoholic but in my disease I had personally done alot of damage.

When I began I pulled away. My husband didn't feel he needed any help and I was very broken and battered so our relationship got worse. I was either at meetings, on the phone or uncommunicative. Through the program I began to see my part and I felt awful. Working the steps brought me to the point where it was time to make a decision and my decision was to change the thing I could. My own behavior. I stopped reacting when he snapped or said something mean. I started to do more personal things for him and saying things that were kinder. And over time he responded to my amends.

So I guess what I am saying is to be kind and patient. It took 15 years of drinking to damage your relationship and a meeting or a book is not going to fix it. Altho the books mentioned above could give her valuable insite. She is afraid to trust, she is weary, she is sensitive and she is confused. More so without the benefit of a program herself. But if my Ward can respond to kindness ANYONE can!!

To me, when I saw the changes in him as a direct result of my own change of behavior I saw it as one of those AA miracles that we all love.

Hugs,
JT

[AnotherOne]

Thanks to you all for the replies.

I guess Ann summed up my reasons for posting the best. I'm not telling my wife she has a problem, or that she must deal with it, but from my own experience with AA I know she has been affected, and hope to be able to get some information for her to do with as she will.

Again, thanks to you all,

Michael