lillian

i called my ex today. i guess i should start calling him that and not my husband. i had to call him for a legit reason, but instead of keeping it all business, which i could have, after i heard him say "i miss you terribly" i took off running. i called him back and told him i was sorry i hadn't communicated better, that we hadn't communicated better over the past two years- he said we had talked all the time and got no where, and that's why he took the action of leaving me- i said i was sorry we couldn't make it work, that i had lost him- basically, i am still not accepting that he has left and doesn't want to be with me. i keep thinking if i understood, or if i knew what i did wrong, or if he just understood how i felt... he says he misses talking to me and hanging out, but when we actually do talk, he blows up at me because i am sad- he can't believe i would want to talk about what happened- he says we go over the same things over and over again- he's over it- he's got a new girl- i should be over it too. he asked me if i was trying to make him hate me, and that maybe it was my fault we couldn't reconcile after he cheated on me/left me the first time was because i never learn anything/repeat the same behavior and questions over and over again. i should not have called. or at least, i should have kept things business like and not tried to talk to him. i am embarrassed and ashamed and i hate myself for how pathetic i feel- i am becoming lower and lower in my eyes and in his eyes. i keep saying i know i'll get better. but i'm getting worse. how did i get to this place? he is right. i don't know how to crawl out. he says i didn't do one thing to recover or get better over the two years we were separated- he sounded so disgusted with me. i don't know if he's right. i have been in and out of al anon its true- i haven't worked a strong alanon program. but i have been to therapy, i did our divorce papers, have tried to be understanding to him and make things work with him living apart- i have made new friends, managed to take on the burden of the mortgage, found renters, taken care of our pets by myself- i know these sound like dumb little things, but i wasn't prepared for him to leave me- i didn't want him to leave me- i haven't done great, but i haven't been a mean person- i moved his things into boxes, i put them in storage, i kept my job- i can't even tell- maybe i haven't made any efforts to get better and i am stuck. or maybe i am too quick to believe him. i don't understand how i went from being someone he loved and respected to someone he pities and has contempt for, within three months. he says talking to me feels like drinking again to him-- very toxic and damaging and pointless. i am going to a meeting tomorrow. does anyone else/has anyone else ever loathed themselves? i know i will get out of it, but i know that it won't be with him breathing contempt and pity down my back. he said, between the insults, that i saved his life, and that he would never know anyone like me and he loved me. i am so confused. why does he talk to me with so much disgust and hostility? i need to grow up and not badger him anymore. but after being married for ten years, is it completely insane for me to be sad like this, and to want to express my regret to him and ask him about what happened? i know it isn't healthy. my sponsor says what's to ask/understand- he left me again for another woman. why do i need a bill board to tell me? i want to know if he had any real desire to be with me the past two years, or if he was biding his time- i want to know if he stopped being attracted to me, if there were things he wanted to tell me but couldn't/didn't, if i did anything to hurt him-i don't want to grow distant- he said the thing that was making us grow distant were my questions/phone calls like the one we were having. have any of you regressed? i am regressing tonight....... sorry!

ICU

I learned not to value the opinions my ex had of me for I discovered they were really reflections of what he thought of himself. But until I 'got it'........ I drove myself crazy trying to get the answers that I 'thought' I so desparately needed. This was a trait I had not only with my ex, but throughout every situtation in my entire life. I was known as the "But Why?" child in my family. I could never accept that sometimes there just were no answers to be given! Or, maybe answers were given but I couldn't see or accept them because they weren't the answers I wanted!

When I 'let go' of my ex, the questions continued. E-V-E-N-T-U-A-L-L-Y I learned that I was wasting so much of my time wondering 'why?" and that was what I needed to look at. "Why" was I driving myself crazy....and that was my first taste of learning the meaning of 'acceptance' which I found in the serenity prayer.

"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change (for me this meant I could not change my ex or his behavior or what he wanted or who he wanted to be with) courage to change the things I can (hmmm...the only thing I can change is me, but I am strong enough to do it?), and wisdom to know the difference (once I learned what I could or could not change, acceptance of the situation became clearer and easier for me to deal with)". The serenity prayer became my mantra.

Lillian, I know it hurts, but sometimes things become a little clearer when we step back and not participate in the game. Think this is something you might want to revisit?

SaTiT

I'm sorry, you are going through what you're going through.
After an encounter like that, youre probably shaken a bit.

I was like that with my ex-wife. It took me a while to get over her.
I wanted her back no matter what. We tried to make it work
over and over again. BuT I wanna, wanna. Even after the divorced
I still couldn't get out of my mind. But at the sametime i thought
she was the meaness bitch that ever lived. i love that woman
i really , really did.

Maybe there is an ouce of truth to what he said, But you don't need
that kind of abuse or to go put yourself in that situation.
It's unhealty for the both of you.

I don't belive my love will ever change for my Michelle
She told me she still loves me just the same. It was hard for me
to accept at the time as she was filing a divorce. But we couldn't
live under the same roof, becuase we end up trying to kill one
another. It broke my heart , but it was the truth.
I'm just glad i got to share a part of my life with her,
I'll have to leave it at that.


Focus on loving yourself...that's what i had to do.
I had to learn how to love myself
It's hard i know, working on ourselves instead of someone else
I had to dig pretty deep to find out the hell was wrong
but it was worth it.

dollydo

Maybe there is some truth there, maybe some of it is tied to your lack of self-esteem and inability to let go.

He has made it clear, he has moved on. You can rehash the past over and over again and resolve nothing. Your past is meant to be a guidepost, not a hitching post. Use what you have learned to not repeat the same behavior. You can only change your behavior, there is nothing you can do about his.

Where do you want to be in 5 years? Make a plan on how to get there, write it down and follow through, one step at a time.

Life is too short to be living in the past, it's today that counts.

Lillian, I understand, you are hurt, yet maybe, just maybe, he did you a big favor, he has given you the opportunity to restructure your life, now the rest is up to you.

Hugs,
Dolly

fluffyflea

Hi,

Just a thought from reading your post..............re-read it and pick out all the things you did for HIM and then replace them with things to do for YOURSELF.

Earthworm

Pick-a-name

This sounds so familiar. SOME of what he (or all the A's )say may have a grain of truth to them.....that is why I know I fall into believing the things that are said if I listen believing that they are said by a healthy person.

You may not be able to see in your own situation (I often do not) what others can ;but your ex is NOT a well person and you should not accept that what he says to and about you in necessarily a fact.

Looks to me like he has taken off,dumped you with all or most of the resposibility,etc that he can't or won't deal with and has just tried to find and easier way to live. Probably found someone who has so far put up with the nonsense that you are sick of dealing with.

I know how difficult this is; my husband of 27 years just did the same thing. Left me feeling lower than a snake in a hole....that I "wan't good enough...not even for an active alcoholic". Sick. It isn't about being "good enough" for someone else. It is about treating myself well. I am starting to see this with time...it still hurts,but I am starting to feel better. I think this is a long pricess,too and a part of our recoveries (at least I hope and pray that it is).

I am sorry you are hurting.

"Don't look for your reflection in a cracked mirror"....that is what I have to remember. My ex is not in recovery (and still using) so it is insane for me to look to him for validating words and encouragement,especially surrounding this topic. Keep coming back and posting.

embraced2000

(((((((lillian)))))))

my husband left me for something else too....but it wasn't a human something....it was his mistress called alcohol. so i can relate to the hurt, shame, pain, devastation of having the man i love choose another relationship over me.

i let myself hurt until i couldn't stand it any more. i thought i was just gonna die....and i felt like it too. i had a constant lump in my throat and you know that saying "hurt feelings"...well, i always wondered exactly what that meant. but i found out.....my hurt feelings took the physical manifestations of my chest just aching....feeling like it was gonna cave in on itself at any moment. just waves, and waves of hurt, hurt, hurt.

it's miserable, and when i got physically ill from being so miserable, i accepted and surrendered. only then, did i find any relief from the pain of losing my husband.

i'm so sorry you are hurting....i understand how badly it hurts.

acceptance and surrender....two magic words for me.

mallowcup

It's funny, I never had any problems with anyone finding fault with me but him. No one else had any difficulty understanding me, no one else thought I was an unreasonable person, others even tol dme I was pretty, that I was smart. He was the only one with all these negative things to say about me when he was drinking. I changed when I got sick of making his opinions more important than everyone elses, when I reached a level of self disgust....that I would even be the kind of person to take that kind of negativity into my life and more importantly , my soul.

hope2bhappy

Ya know, some marriages just end, regardless of the presence of alcohol. Some people just aren't meant to be together. I know how bad you feel. You are feeling inadequate and responsible. But it's possible this relationship simply wasn't meant to be. No fault. You are a worthy person, worthy of love. Have faith.

embraced2000

when i listened to the insanity flowing from my husbands lips, i took it as the truth.....after all, it was the man i loved and who was supposed to love me.

lord, he could say and do the meanest things....just cut right to the core like a knife through butta. and make me feel it was my fault that he had to say these things to me. how crazy was that????

sometimes, i would have to just shake my head and look at myself real hard, and real close up, in the mirror and stare into my own face, deeply into my eyes.....and say to myself.....why am i listening to the words of insanity from an angry, active alcoholic???? what is wrong with me that i am giving his words any merit at all????? what do i need to do differently here, so that i do not take his word for the gospel???

i couldn't look to the alcoholic in my life for any sort of validation, support, love, kindess, rationale, or dignity. he was incapable of giving it to me. he was only capable of constantly hurting me.

denny57

I highly recommend no contact whatsoever. Difficult as it sounds, what matters is starting to feel better about oneself. I couldn't start that process until I no longer had contact with someone who dredged up such feelings of low worth in me.

((()))

Bjen

Isn't it nice to know you're not alone. I too have been in your shoes and there is some wonderful advice here. My thought with my A was "Where do you get off pointing out MY flaws and who are you to judge me?". I hurt and he made me hurt now I wanted him to fix it! That became a montra here "fix it". He was turning his expertise opinions of me into fact to hide his own disgust and hurt with himself. "BLowing my candle out to make his grow brighter" as I used to tell him. Eventually I got to where I could cut him down as fast as he did it to me. The finger pointing that gets no where. It hurts and it sucks but no one can fix it but ourselves. Even thougth we may not feel we created it. We used to have self-esteem didn't we? Mallow cup sounds very much like me. No one else in my life dislikes me, even when I am foul. My friends and family understand and want to help me get rid of what is making me feel or be yucky, not just hurt my feelings and get away from me. That is what unconditional is. That is what we give and that is what we deserve. Unconditional love and understanding. It is sad the person that doesn't give us that because eventually no one will give that to them. My A has lost lots of "best friends" because they finally see through the crap and don't care about him anymore. How much positivity did he give you and how much did he take from you? If your like me the scale doesn't weigh out.
I'm sorry for how you feel. I completely understand. I relapsed with it Thursday night. I let him talk down to me and hurt me and point out how much he thinks I suck. I admit, it got to me. Now I have forgiven myself for the times I hurt him and if he doesn't, Oh well. I am putting new flooring in my living room for me this weekend. He can sit in jail. I will take his daughter to see him today, I will talk to him, tell him I love him and if he is unkind I will tell him I am sorry that is how he chooses to feel. But hopefully I will come home and forget about it and finish my floor. Wish me luck too, I think I bit off more than I can chew!!! Feel better honey, you are wonderful!!
OOXX B

SaTiT

Michelle would tell me,
"someday you'll see the light, Michael"
It would rip my heart out cuz i can see the tears in her eyes.

I thought I would be standing in front of god or JC himself
or some damn thing. I pondered it for years.

When I entered recovery, people told me i had my cool
sun glasses on backward at the very least. My view
of life was that of a fracture mirror as Pick a name
mention.

On a good day I can see it.

free2be

Lillian
I too have been in a similar situation. About 2 years ago my STBX had an affair and when I found out I asked him to leave and told him it was over. It was Christmas Day. We had been married for around 15 years at that point and over the years I had asked him to leave on several different occasions. He always would call, beg me to take him back, told me I was all he had, he loved me. blah ...blah... blah.. This time he didn't call me. I was devistated. How dare he after all I had done for him? What about our children? I tried my same manipulitive tactics over and over again. He didn't even react. Nothing. I had lost all my control over him.(I never really had it, but I liked to believe I did). I felt like he just stepped over me when he would see me and when I would speak to him on the phone he made me feel so needy and pathetic. Like I had and was nothing w/o him. He now he had someone else. I had been pushed to the side like a piece of chopped liver. Despite all my attempts I could never find out who she was. I traced cell-phone records, followed-him tried to hire a private investigator.(they are very expensive). In my mind all I could picture was that she was some hot-young babe. I was the worn out housewife. What if she was able to make him sober and happy,then I would be a failure. I began begging him to come home, we needed him, I loved him, I would change. He wouldn't move back into the house, but he did string me along. Probably as a safety net in case this new relationship didn't work out. I eventually gave him an ultimatum, If he wasn't back in the house by a certain date that I couldn't go on this way. He came back and we reconciled, for a short time. He left me again, I am not sure if he has someone else and I really don't care. We are in divorce proceedings.
I am so sorry you are hurting, you are not alone feeling this way. I to have felt the level of self loath and disgust like you are discribing. I still feel it, just not as much. You will find and be loved again. You need to first believe that you are deserving and begin to love yourself again. Everything else will fall into place.

(((((HUGS)))))) lillian

BigGirlPanties

For me, I need to have a damn good reason for calling my ex, otherwise I will self manipulate and believe I have a valid reason. When the truth is, my disease just wants a hug.....from his disease.

Blech....

Sunflower

YOU haven't done anything wrong--HE has--I feel badly as I can tell you are in a lot of pain--try and pull yourself up-you can do it!!!

lillian

i just want to thank everyone again for writing. i re-read this today, different person, same or similar batter. i guess back to the drawing board. i need to learn these lessons again.

firebolt

Thanks for checking in Lilian. They are such tough lessons, that seem to require some maintenance. I am struggling with them PLENTY. Hoping the best for you!

Eauchiche

I am grateful for this post.
There is a lot of collective wisdom here. Thanks!

daydreamer0217

best post I have read. I felt my heart hurting as I read this .