Why Do I Need Help? He's the Alcoholic!

[CatsPajamas]

Classic reading from an Al Anon pamphlet:

Why Do I Need Help? He's the Alcoholic!

Alcoholism is a disease that affects every member of the family, to the extent that the kids who make it into the Alateen rooms report they generally have more problems dealing with the non-drinking parent than they do the alcoholic.

What? But I don't have a problem! He... him... he's the alcoholic! He's the one who causes all the problems! He's the one in trouble all the time ...

True, but he's also predictable. Kids can read the alcoholic like a book. They know exactly when it's the right time to ask for extra money, or to go somewhere with their friends, and also know when it's time to make themselves scarce and get out of the way. They know the routine as far as the alcoholic is concerned. But they never know where the bedraggled non-drinking parent is coming from next.

One minute she (or he as the case may be) is screaming at the alcoholic -- threatening him with everything from from divorce to death -- and the next minute she may be compassionately rescuing him from the consequences of his latest episode -- dutifully cleaning up his messes, making excuses for him and accepting an increasing degree of unacceptable behavior.

The truth is the disease of alcoholism has affected her life, her attitude and her thinking perhaps more dramatically than it has the drinking spouse and she may not even realize it.
Why? Because it crept up on her slowly.

Frog In The Water

A few years back, there was a story going around the 12-step rooms about a frog in the water. It goes like this:

If you put a frog into a pan of boiling water, it will jump out faster than the eye can see. But if you put the frog into a pan of water that is the frog's body temperature and then slowly turn up the heat the frog will stay in the water -- even to the point of boiling alive. Why? Because the frog does not notice the gradual change in temperature.

Alcoholism works the same way... the heat is constantly turned up but nobody notices. Cunning and baffling! A progressive disease. It may start out with casually accepting unacceptable behavior -- Oh, he didn't mean that, he just had too much to drink last night. A few years down the road the behavior has slowly grown more and more intolerable, but it is still being accepted and becomes the "norm."

She ends up with chaos in her own home that a few short years ago would have been unthinkable. If she looked out the window and saw the same kind of things taking place across the street at the neighbor's house, she would probably pick up the phone and call 9-1-1 to get those people some help!

An Insidious Disease

As that same type of behavior becomes routine in her own home, the last thing that would occur to her is to pick up the telephone and get help. She has slowly been drawn into the thinking that the alcoholic should be protected. She has learned to cover for him, lie for him and hide the truth. She has learned to keep secrets, no matter how bad the chaos and insanity all around her has become.

Few who have been affected by the disease of alcoholism realize that by "protecting" the alcoholic with little lies and deceptions to the outside world, which have slowly but surely increased in size and dimension, she has actually created a situation that makes it easier for him to continue -- and progress -- in his downward spiral. Rather than help the alcoholic, and herself, she has actually enabled him to get worse.

The heat increased so gradually, over such an extended period of time, nobody noticed the water was beginning to boil and it was time to jump out of the pan.

The disease will continue to progress for the alcoholic until he is ready to reach out and get help for himself. Waiting for that to happen is not the only choice.

The other family members can begin to recover whether the alcoholic is still drinking or not. But it can't happen until somebody asks for help. There is hope and help out there.

[ICU]

Thanks CatsPajamas!

I've always liked the frog in the water analogy (not that I want the frog to be hurt)! It just explains how we become 'used to it' after awhile. I wish I had read this years ago when I was a 'newbie' so-to-speak!

I nominate this for a stickie!

[CatsPajamas]

I use the frog in the water analogy often when discussing why I stayed in an abusive situation as long as I did. People who've never experienced something like that don't understand. It's not as though the first day I met that charming devil he said, "I think I'll make your life a living hell in about 5 yrs, ok?"

~ Cat

[free2be]

Thanks CatsPajamas, WOW. really hit home. I know it's progressive but, it kind of sneaks up on you.

[lilac]

Thanks for the post............I have never heard the frog analogy.....but it sure does hit home for me why and how I have stayed as long as i have.

[DesertEyes]

Originally Posted by ICU

...I nominate this for a stickie!

Done, ICU, I put it in the Classic Reading section

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)

Mike

[ICU]

Originally Posted by CatsPajamas

I use the frog in the water analogy often when discussing why I stayed in an abusive situation as long as I did. People who've never experienced something like that don't understand. It's not as though the first day I met that charming devil he said, "I think I'll make your life a living hell in about 5 yrs, ok?"

~ Cat

Exactly!!

[concolor1]

Here comes the old wet blanket--they're handy for flames, however--but the story about the frog is an old urban legend without any factual basis . . .

http://www.snopes.com/critters/wild/frogboil.asp

As a froglover this makes me happy since so many have been sacrificed in the name of science (remember those biology dissection lessons?) and pregnancy tests relied on them for many years with the result a fungus was introduced worldwide that's probably threatening many wild amphibian populations . . .

Time to set my ideals and outside issues aside, though . . . The situation with alcoholism/codenpendency is more complicated (and I'm a longtime double winner). Where children are concerned, the scenario above is accurate; children are equipped with marvelous survival tactics--these can be problematic when carried into adulthood too rigidly--but a huge issue involves perceptions. Children learn that booze makes daddy (or mommy) unreliable, but they see the codependent act crazy without apparent cause. This creates children who live in a "hyper-vigilant" state with big time trust issues; they learn it's not safe to ask for help, and they are drawn to individuals from similar backgrounds . . .

Recovery involves being willing to change those dynamics ("Take contrary action," my first Al-Anon sponsor said) and challenge the dysfunctional rules that take on the force of law when they actually have no legitimacy whatsover.

That's a lot of work, which is why there are so many plateaus in recovery. Just last week I attended a memorial service for a tragic suicide victim. A longtime friend of mine--both were gay, and my friend had been to lots of Al-Anon--said she'd spent the last year trying to keep our friend alive in spite of the horrific depression that led to the suicide . . .

So I asked my friend how she was doing (she'd had problems in the past as well) . . . She said she was fine . . .

There's a lesson there. People do become shell-shocked by the chaos and drama, and that actually "feels normal" to them, no matter how bizarre it appears to outsiders . . .

Part of the "trick of recovery" is to step back and look matters over objectively (including one's own role) and start taking little tiny steps toward the beautiful world out there that really does exist when one is willing to forego the drama . . .

Not easy, but worthwhile . . . It often involves a lot of grief and other issues, but the strength of the Fellowships is we don't walk this path alone . . .

And a brief moment of silence for an old AA sponsor of mine, Joe M., who noted, "One of the meanest things we alcoholics ever do to an Al-Anon is to get sober."