Nice guys versus slippery guys......... - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

CatsTail · 02-04-2007, 06:47 AM

Hi everyone,

Why is it we find the "slippery guys" a turn on and we don't find the "nice guys" a turn on?

Cat

**Pony** · 02-04-2007, 06:52 AM

Slippery guys know just what to say to please us.... manipulation is their business.

Nice guys wouldn't try to trick you.....so maybe they are as appealing at first as they probably are some average guy just out doing average things that don't seem as exciting.

Just my thought on it!!

newenglandgirl · 02-04-2007, 07:08 AM

Great question. Important too.

Realized the other day how many "nice" guys I have rejected. How all the guys I let into my life have been addicts with personality issues. WTF!!!
Could it be something as "simple" as familiar patterns? Do we seek out what we subconsiously feel "comfortable" with (childhood stuff)?

embraced2000 · 02-04-2007, 07:21 AM

hey, don't sell yourselves too short!!! who knows if those nice guys would have turned out to be just as slippery.

newenglandgirl · 02-04-2007, 07:26 AM

yup you are very right embraced!

**Cynay** · 02-04-2007, 08:57 AM

Add to the pattern of "knowing" this lifestyle to:

Nice guys dont normally need to be fixed. I have recently been dating quite a bit and still to this day when dating a "nice guy" or what I call healthy ... there is nothing to fix which is abnormal for me... so it uncomfortable at times and Im unsure how to respond....

Practice makes perfect though, I just try to go into the date with no expectations and that seems to help.

sketscher · 02-04-2007, 09:01 AM

it's been mentioned on this board before that... Dating someone healthy would force us to have to look internally and fix ourselves. That's not as appealing.

embraced2000 · 02-04-2007, 09:07 AM

i feel inferior around a man that appears to have it all together.......groannnnn!!!!

sketscher · 02-04-2007, 09:09 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by embraced2000

i feel inferior around a man that appears to have it all together.......groannnnn!!!!

ugh. here too.

embraced2000 · 02-04-2007, 09:15 AM

yeah....ugh!!! needs a big look inside, eh?

i also have feelings of unworthiness, less than, not as good as, could never measure up to, second class citizen........yech!!!!

so the slippery ones, become the bad boys, and the bad boys become very attractive and seductive, cause then i don't have to deal with myself.

***cmc*** · 02-04-2007, 09:19 AM

I have an analogy that comes to my mind... When I go shopping for a high quality item... the store does not have to use alot of promotional ads to get my attention. There may be no bells or whistles needed to attract me. A lesser 'quality' product needs a good deal of promotions- maybe some false promises too! jmho It's about an image that does not reflect reality. Sadly- too many codies of both genders tend to fall for the image or 'dream' because of a 'need' to fix or low self esteem- or maybe it's just doing the same thing over and over expecting a different result. It doesn't have to be that way!

cave5552000 · 02-04-2007, 09:34 AM

ladies find a bad boy that has grown up and sees the importance of life and how to live it .They are a lot of fun but just dont need to be fixed anymore

embraced2000 · 02-04-2007, 09:50 AM

well, i'd love to find one that was just that, cave. at my age, all the good ones seem to be taken.

in the mean time, i'm just really enjoying life's little perks.....i do miss all the good stuff of a relationship.....in time, in time.

cave5552000 · 02-04-2007, 08:47 PM

embraced ... I have read many of your post and I say that any one that finds you in there net is a lucky fisherman...you are never to old for love

CatsTail · 02-05-2007, 05:19 AM

Well the reason I posted this is because I'm getting to know this person who isn't "slippery" but there don't seem to be the "fireworks" that come with the slippery ones.

Cat

newenglandgirl · 02-05-2007, 05:32 AM

That's exactly how I've felt too when I've dated "nice" guys. Hmmm. What's going on with us? I've also begun to notice some detrimental thinking I do...just beginning to recognize this...when I see a guy I think looks "yummy" I've caught myself thinking he's "too good" for me. I wonder what I am tapping into? I never thought I had low self-esteem. But apparently I got lots of work to do

**CatsPajamas** · 02-05-2007, 06:25 AM

OH Cat T I really REALLY relate.

After my last relationship crashed and burned, I took a break. I didn't date at all or have any interest in it for 6 months. I used that time to do some serious introspection and healing... and a fair amount of journaling. What was it about the 'bad boys' that attracted me? What need did it fill in me? Where did I get the message that I wasn't OK unless I had a man in my life?? I was just doggone tired of being with the same exact man in different skin over and over and OVER again.... only to wake up and say, SH*T I did it again. I thought this time it would be different. I finally figured out that the common denominator in all those relationships was ME.

After my 6 month hiatus, I recently met and started dating a NICE man. He's pretty normal, and certainly not the type I would have chosen or been with before. More importantly, I don't think I would have ATTRACTED this kind of man before!

I don't have all the answers, but I know for sure that when I concentrated on healing myself, I got better, stronger, healthier - and I find that I have more people like that in my life now - better, stronger, healthier friends and significant others. So - I intend to stay on this track, because I know if I go back on the other track I will get derailed pretty quickly.

LOVE and hugs
Cat PJ

Nuudawn · 02-05-2007, 07:29 AM

As I am "broken" (yet on the road to recovery) I tend to attract other broken souls. I had often wondered why I always attracted cowards and liars...until I realized those are aspects of myself I needed to address. As an alcoholic myself, I lived in fear behind a big old ego-fabricated dishonest facade. I attracted a reflection of myself. If I continue to rigourously face fear and show love...if I continue to live in truth and express who I am rather than who I used to "think" I should be...I have strong suspicion those "bad boys" will lose their attraction. I'm actually certain of it.

02-04-2007, 06:47 AM	#1 (permalink)
CatsTail Member Join Date: Oct 2004 Location: nowheresville Posts: 873	Nice guys versus slippery guys......... Hi everyone, Why is it we find the "slippery guys" a turn on and we don't find the "nice guys" a turn on? Cat

02-04-2007, 06:52 AM	#2 (permalink)
Pony Forum Leader Join Date: Sep 2001 Location: trail of discovery Posts: 2,321	Slippery guys know just what to say to please us.... manipulation is their business. Nice guys wouldn't try to trick you.....so maybe they are as appealing at first as they probably are some average guy just out doing average things that don't seem as exciting. Just my thought on it!!
	__________________ "Failure is an EVENT, it is not a person – yesterday really did end last night, and today is your brand new day..." .........unknown The sun always rises, and a new day begins.

02-04-2007, 08:57 AM	#6 (permalink)
Cynay Forum Leader Join Date: Apr 2005 Location: Phoenix, AZ Posts: 3,683	Add to the pattern of "knowing" this lifestyle to: Nice guys dont normally need to be fixed. I have recently been dating quite a bit and still to this day when dating a "nice guy" or what I call healthy ... there is nothing to fix which is abnormal for me... so it uncomfortable at times and Im unsure how to respond.... Practice makes perfect though, I just try to go into the date with no expectations and that seems to help.
	__________________ Cynay "Never be bullied into silence. Never allow yourself to be made a victim. Accept no one's definition of your life; define yourself." Harvey Fierstein

02-04-2007, 09:19 AM	#11 (permalink)
*cmc* Community Greeter Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: a good state of mind Posts: 8,690	I have an analogy that comes to my mind... When I go shopping for a high quality item... the store does not have to use alot of promotional ads to get my attention. There may be no bells or whistles needed to attract me. A lesser 'quality' product needs a good deal of promotions- maybe some false promises too! jmho It's about an image that does not reflect reality. Sadly- too many codies of both genders tend to fall for the image or 'dream' because of a 'need' to fix or low self esteem- or maybe it's just doing the same thing over and over expecting a different result. It doesn't have to be that way!
	__________________ Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another: What! You too? I thought I was the only one. C. S. Lewis

02-05-2007, 06:25 AM	#17 (permalink)
CatsPajamas Forum Leader Join Date: Aug 2002 Location: My own little happy place Posts: 1,936	OH Cat T I really REALLY relate. After my last relationship crashed and burned, I took a break. I didn't date at all or have any interest in it for 6 months. I used that time to do some serious introspection and healing... and a fair amount of journaling. What was it about the 'bad boys' that attracted me? What need did it fill in me? Where did I get the message that I wasn't OK unless I had a man in my life?? I was just doggone tired of being with the same exact man in different skin over and over and OVER again.... only to wake up and say, SH*T I did it again. I thought this time it would be different. I finally figured out that the common denominator in all those relationships was ME. After my 6 month hiatus, I recently met and started dating a NICE man. He's pretty normal, and certainly not the type I would have chosen or been with before. More importantly, I don't think I would have ATTRACTED this kind of man before! I don't have all the answers, but I know for sure that when I concentrated on healing myself, I got better, stronger, healthier - and I find that I have more people like that in my life now - better, stronger, healthier friends and significant others. So - I intend to stay on this track, because I know if I go back on the other track I will get derailed pretty quickly. LOVE and hugs Cat PJ
	__________________ ~~ What other people think of me is really none of my business ~~

02-04-2007, 07:08 AM	#3 (permalink)
newenglandgirl Member Join Date: Dec 2006 Location: By the sea Posts: 415	Great question. Important too. Realized the other day how many "nice" guys I have rejected. How all the guys I let into my life have been addicts with personality issues. WTF!!! Could it be something as "simple" as familiar patterns? Do we seek out what we subconsiously feel "comfortable" with (childhood stuff)?

02-04-2007, 07:21 AM	#4 (permalink)
embraced2000 Member Join Date: Oct 2006 Location: southern indiana Posts: 1,682	hey, don't sell yourselves too short!!! who knows if those nice guys would have turned out to be just as slippery.

02-04-2007, 07:26 AM	#5 (permalink)
newenglandgirl Member Join Date: Dec 2006 Location: By the sea Posts: 415	yup you are very right embraced!

02-04-2007, 09:01 AM	#7 (permalink)
sketscher Member Join Date: May 2005 Location: Southern Wisconsin Posts: 364	it's been mentioned on this board before that... Dating someone healthy would force us to have to look internally and fix ourselves. That's not as appealing.

02-04-2007, 09:07 AM	#8 (permalink)
embraced2000 Member Join Date: Oct 2006 Location: southern indiana Posts: 1,682	i feel inferior around a man that appears to have it all together.......groannnnn!!!!

02-04-2007, 09:15 AM	#10 (permalink)
embraced2000 Member Join Date: Oct 2006 Location: southern indiana Posts: 1,682	yeah....ugh!!! needs a big look inside, eh? i also have feelings of unworthiness, less than, not as good as, could never measure up to, second class citizen........yech!!!! so the slippery ones, become the bad boys, and the bad boys become very attractive and seductive, cause then i don't have to deal with myself.

02-04-2007, 09:34 AM	#12 (permalink)
cave5552000 Member Join Date: Jan 2007 Location: detroit mi Posts: 11	ladies find a bad boy that has grown up and sees the importance of life and how to live it .They are a lot of fun but just dont need to be fixed anymore

02-04-2007, 09:50 AM	#13 (permalink)
embraced2000 Member Join Date: Oct 2006 Location: southern indiana Posts: 1,682	well, i'd love to find one that was just that, cave. at my age, all the good ones seem to be taken. in the mean time, i'm just really enjoying life's little perks.....i do miss all the good stuff of a relationship.....in time, in time.

02-04-2007, 08:47 PM	#14 (permalink)
cave5552000 Member Join Date: Jan 2007 Location: detroit mi Posts: 11	embraced ... I have read many of your post and I say that any one that finds you in there net is a lucky fisherman...you are never to old for love

02-05-2007, 05:19 AM	#15 (permalink)
CatsTail Member Join Date: Oct 2004 Location: nowheresville Posts: 873	Well the reason I posted this is because I'm getting to know this person who isn't "slippery" but there don't seem to be the "fireworks" that come with the slippery ones. Cat

02-05-2007, 05:32 AM	#16 (permalink)
newenglandgirl Member Join Date: Dec 2006 Location: By the sea Posts: 415	That's exactly how I've felt too when I've dated "nice" guys. Hmmm. What's going on with us? I've also begun to notice some detrimental thinking I do...just beginning to recognize this...when I see a guy I think looks "yummy" I've caught myself thinking he's "too good" for me. I wonder what I am tapping into? I never thought I had low self-esteem. But apparently I got lots of work to do

02-05-2007, 07:29 AM	#18 (permalink)
Nuudawn Member Join Date: Dec 2006 Location: Canada Posts: 751	As I am "broken" (yet on the road to recovery) I tend to attract other broken souls. I had often wondered why I always attracted cowards and liars...until I realized those are aspects of myself I needed to address. As an alcoholic myself, I lived in fear behind a big old ego-fabricated dishonest facade. I attracted a reflection of myself. If I continue to rigourously face fear and show love...if I continue to live in truth and express who I am rather than who I used to "think" I should be...I have strong suspicion those "bad boys" will lose their attraction. I'm actually certain of it.
	__________________ "There is no birth of consciousness without pain"