Overreacting to "normal" drinking? My teenager.
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Join Date: Nov 2007
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Overreacting to "normal" drinking? My teenager.
Hi all.
My RAH has been sober for 3+ years and everything is going very well with that. He continues with AA, life is good, blah blah blah.
We have an 18 year old son who is in college a few states away. I've never seen any indication of substance abuse issues with him and believe me, my radar is sharp having dealt with his father for so long. It is still always a concern in the back of my mind, him inheriting the family condition that is prevalent on both sides of our family. He saw his father at his worst and I have talked to him about substance abuse a million times. He knows.
He called me this morning to say that he received a ticket for drinking in his dorm. He will be fined and it will stay on his school record for 5 years. He goes to a very expensive school that his father and I struggle to pay for. It's a big stretch for us.
After I finished crying, my strongest thought was, "he wants to play, I'm pulling my financial support." Is that fair? I don't want to enable him in any way and I don't want to squander my money, but is this something that parents without histories with alcoholism excuse as part of the normal college experience?
I don't know how to handle this. My husband, I can handle. My son? This is so upsetting.
My RAH has been sober for 3+ years and everything is going very well with that. He continues with AA, life is good, blah blah blah.
We have an 18 year old son who is in college a few states away. I've never seen any indication of substance abuse issues with him and believe me, my radar is sharp having dealt with his father for so long. It is still always a concern in the back of my mind, him inheriting the family condition that is prevalent on both sides of our family. He saw his father at his worst and I have talked to him about substance abuse a million times. He knows.
He called me this morning to say that he received a ticket for drinking in his dorm. He will be fined and it will stay on his school record for 5 years. He goes to a very expensive school that his father and I struggle to pay for. It's a big stretch for us.
After I finished crying, my strongest thought was, "he wants to play, I'm pulling my financial support." Is that fair? I don't want to enable him in any way and I don't want to squander my money, but is this something that parents without histories with alcoholism excuse as part of the normal college experience?
I don't know how to handle this. My husband, I can handle. My son? This is so upsetting.
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Join Date: Jul 2012
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Ichabod I am 22 and just got out of college last year and I have a sister in college right now. I am a recovered heroin addict and my sister doesn't have any substance abuse problems.
Although you are worried about your son having substance abuse issues, I can tell you that at this point, I wouldn't worry. I can tell you first hand that getting a drinking ticket/citation does not mean that there is a drinking problem. They give out those citations like candy in most colleges regardless if the person was wasted, had a couple beers, had one beer, or was sober and just in the wrong place at the wrong time. Just coming out of college and having a sister in college right now, I can tell you that getting a drinking ticket/citation is pretty common and sometimes not getting one means staying in your room and not socializing with anyone since most schools hand them out so much it is almost hard to avoid.
I would also take into account that he told you about it. He isn't hiding it, and if it is his first one, I would take it for what it is, he is a college student. I know that it might set some red flags up, but I think those red flags are only coming up because of past issues with substance abuse in the household with family members. Most parents I know that foudn out their teenager got one told their kids that they wouldn't be paying for the ticket and that they better stay out of trouble after.
I don't want to come off as just blowing this off, but in all honesty, it sounds like he is just like the millions of other kids that go to college. If it keeps happening, or if you have other reasons to doubt his drinking, then I would look more into it. If this is a one time event, I wouldn't worry about it so much.
Although you are worried about your son having substance abuse issues, I can tell you that at this point, I wouldn't worry. I can tell you first hand that getting a drinking ticket/citation does not mean that there is a drinking problem. They give out those citations like candy in most colleges regardless if the person was wasted, had a couple beers, had one beer, or was sober and just in the wrong place at the wrong time. Just coming out of college and having a sister in college right now, I can tell you that getting a drinking ticket/citation is pretty common and sometimes not getting one means staying in your room and not socializing with anyone since most schools hand them out so much it is almost hard to avoid.
I would also take into account that he told you about it. He isn't hiding it, and if it is his first one, I would take it for what it is, he is a college student. I know that it might set some red flags up, but I think those red flags are only coming up because of past issues with substance abuse in the household with family members. Most parents I know that foudn out their teenager got one told their kids that they wouldn't be paying for the ticket and that they better stay out of trouble after.
I don't want to come off as just blowing this off, but in all honesty, it sounds like he is just like the millions of other kids that go to college. If it keeps happening, or if you have other reasons to doubt his drinking, then I would look more into it. If this is a one time event, I wouldn't worry about it so much.
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Thank you Maylie. I was young once too, and I'm trying to keep that in mind but because of our history...this is freaking me out. You said what I'd be thinking were it not for the lovely alcoholic experience. I will keep an eye on him, and see where it goes.
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Drinking is a HUGE part of the college experience. I grew up in and live in a Big Ten college town and drinking culture is ubiquitous. You can't get away from it. Between partying and game days, liquid breakfasts and weekends beginning on Thursdays, it's nuts. A lot of the social culture revolves around drinking and there is tremendous pressure to drink.
BUT! Personally, just because a lot of his peers do it doesn't mean it's "okay" and "not a problem." The people I know today who developed drinking problems did so at this age, and it became clear pretty quickly when they pegged the problem on "getting caught" and not on the drinking itself. As far as you know, this is his first time experiencing consequences from his own drinking. Getting in trouble and continuing the same behavior that got you in trouble is a sign of problem drinking. Ultimately, you can't control him and he's going to have to figure this out. Does he have to pay for the ticket? If so, I'd make him pay it.
If it were me, I wouldn't yank the money for tuition yet. But perhaps some of your expectations might change. You can tell him that as long as he maintains a certain grade level you'll continue to pay his tuition, but if he has time to party, he has time to work for his own spending money.
I don't know. The situation might depend on various circumstances, but might be a perfect time for you to rearrange some of your expectations for one another.
BUT! Personally, just because a lot of his peers do it doesn't mean it's "okay" and "not a problem." The people I know today who developed drinking problems did so at this age, and it became clear pretty quickly when they pegged the problem on "getting caught" and not on the drinking itself. As far as you know, this is his first time experiencing consequences from his own drinking. Getting in trouble and continuing the same behavior that got you in trouble is a sign of problem drinking. Ultimately, you can't control him and he's going to have to figure this out. Does he have to pay for the ticket? If so, I'd make him pay it.
If it were me, I wouldn't yank the money for tuition yet. But perhaps some of your expectations might change. You can tell him that as long as he maintains a certain grade level you'll continue to pay his tuition, but if he has time to party, he has time to work for his own spending money.
I don't know. The situation might depend on various circumstances, but might be a perfect time for you to rearrange some of your expectations for one another.
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This was a struggle for me too. My son was in a fraternity and they drink - I drank a lot in college too but am not an A. I just kept the communication open between my son and myself and told him how I felt and I was scared - he knew his Dad's issues with alcoholism too. He has since graduated and got a super job and thankfully drinking is not an issue- he still drinks some . He also got a ticket - actually arrested walking into his dorm one night drunk- those campus cops are nutty sometimes. I made him pay for his own lawyer and he had community service - I made him be totally responsible for his actions even though I thought the cop was jerk- I didn't tell my son that - but am hopeful for your son and grateful every day alcohol is not a dertriment to mine! Hugs-
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Oh, he's definitely paying this ticket. How, who knows, but I'm not funding it.
Thank you all. The letting him grow up and be responsible for himself thing is hard. I'm going to get on Skype with him later and we'll talk.
This is throwing my RAH for a loop too. He thinks it's hypocritical for him to criticize DS when he drank himself so hard for so long but his biggest fear is DS following in his footsteps. He carries a lot of guilt. He has his main AA meeting on Monday nights so it's coming at a perfect time.
Thank you all. The letting him grow up and be responsible for himself thing is hard. I'm going to get on Skype with him later and we'll talk.
This is throwing my RAH for a loop too. He thinks it's hypocritical for him to criticize DS when he drank himself so hard for so long but his biggest fear is DS following in his footsteps. He carries a lot of guilt. He has his main AA meeting on Monday nights so it's coming at a perfect time.
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He can get a job on campus or around campus to fund his ticket. It is all about holding them accountable - I wish someone had done that to my AH when he was young instead of getting him out of everything. I am sure you will have a great talk - luckily my son understood my major insecurities with alcohol and I could call him and tell him I needed to know he was ok or whatever - he always always called me back or texted me. Here is to a productive talk - it will be fine...........:-)
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I certainly think he should own the consequences of the ticket, but I wouldn't hit the panic button. My kids both partied at that age. Their dad and I are both alcoholics, and we have discussed the potential risk for them. My older son is a bit more responsible (after sort of an early rocky start) and often talks about his disdain for the drinking habits of some of his friends. My younger son I worry about a bit more, just because he has a streak of dishonesty (not in the cash-register sense, but rather the tendency to tell you what you want to hear, rather than the truth), and also some of the charm I associate with a lot of alcoholics. Nothing that is seriously worrying me at the moment, but if I had to predict which one might someday have a problem...
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