is it really a problem?

[maybebromide]

Hi everyone. I'm in sort of a quagmire.

My wife is an alcoholic who claims to have "recovered" and is able to temper her alcohol intake. She is bipolar, and was self-medicating using alcohol approximately 2 years ago and attempted suicide and was hospitalized.

It was then we all discovered just how much she was drinking. I knew she enjoyed alcohol but did not have any idea of the magnitude of her addiction and her intake. And I was not aware she was off her medication. She was ordered to begin alcohol rehabilitation but, in my opinion, claimed recovery, told the counselor what she wanted to hear, and was released.

Right now she is drinking a bit, not as heavily as she was 2 years ago, but it has increased with the stress of her having a new job opportunity and being close to putting in her notice. She drinks probably 5-6 shots worth a night, and has been noticeably inebriated. She is being far more responsible with her medication.

She never misses work, is performing very well there, and our relationship is good and her relationships with family are well including our 13 year old daughter. I have been suspicious based on smell and discovered her stash of alcohol after a little bit of investigation... er, snooping.

So what I'm asking is, despite the fact that she is hiding it, do I have any ground to stand on if there are no apparent problems affecting me? I am upset with the deception of her hiding alcohol and claiming recovery from alcoholism (she never was ordered to remain 100% sober) and feel like I was overzealous in snooping about for her stash. That's the unfortunate thing about alcoholics; they can get lazy with their cover-ups.

Just need some advice on how to bring this up when there has not been any kind of crisis or event that would necessarily bring upon my actions other than mere suspicion.

Thanks all

[kermit]

I don't have any good advise, but you will get some here from the others. Welcome

[denny57]

Hi maybe, welcome to SR

I don't think there has to be a crisis - the drinking bothers you - that is legitimate and worthy of discussion. It isn't about the number of drinks or whether someone is functioning - it is about your quality of life.

What are you doing for you?

[elizabeth1979]

Hi Maybebromide and welcome!!

When I lived with someone whose drinking was affecting me, I came to realize it wasnt the drinking, but the behavior associated with the drinking, that was bothering me. Lots of ways to look at things. If something bothers you, well then it bothers you.

Hope you stick around and I look forward to getting to know you!!

[Nuudawn]

Alcoholics do not "recover" from their alcoholic condition. Once an alcoholic..well, always an alcoholic. I feel for your pain. You have every right to discuss that which affects you in your home. As long as she continues drinking...there will be much pain and confusion. There is much wisdom and support here on this site.
Keep posting.
I wish you peace within..

[GlassPrisoner]

She's lying to you. Alcoholics lie about their drinking.

And, if she is alcoholic (hiding booze is a good indicator), she will only progress until there will be a crisis.

This is my experience as a recovering alcoholic.

[StandingStrong]

For many years, I played a role in the part of our relationship that revolved around my (now x) AH.
We went through many phases of him trying to quit - phases of him hiding the drinking - phases of him being sorry - etc. but always - it was causing problems.
As was said above, regardless if there is a "Crisis" or not - the drinking is a problem. The lying, hiding, etc is a problem. Obviously the trust is lacking or you wouldn't feel the need to snoop. Honesty is missing or she'd not have the need to hide things. At this point - look at the behavior - it's a problem for you and in your marriage.
There is a great post in the "stickies" at the top of the forum about the roles that we (the non-A) plays. I'd suggest you read that - as well as start attending Alanon where you can get support as well as begin YOUR recovery. Your wife is not going to seek help until SHE wants it.

[lilac]

Hi ! Welcome to SR......

[came2believe]

I'm a recovering alcoholic (1+ year sober) and SHOULD be in Al-Anon by now because my parents are alcoholic, but first things first. But I do know about bipolar and alcoholism first-hand. Someone who is bipolar should not be drinking.

Here's an article about it.

http://www.psychiatry24x7.com/bgdisp...ter_mar2006_03

It's going to make her symptoms worse. Both the manias and the depressions. Plus, the drugs that control mood are filtered through the liver. You are supposed to drink no more than 1-2 drinks per day depending on body size if you are on lithium, And I don't think you are supposed to take it with depakote at all.

I will keep your family in my prayers. I have heard good things about Al-Anon for those dealing with these sorts of problems, and KNOW I need to go, myself. Peace to you.

[steve11694]

apparently there are some who can recover and become normal social drinkers. i don't know if the exact % is known and is probably low. it is NOT a good idea to tell this to recovering alcs because the tendency would be for many to try to be social drinkers and reverty back to overt addiction

[mallowcup]

Oh , so she's acting out a script, nice. Your wife is a liar. What else matters? She can pretend well. Don't you want something real?

[parentrecovers]

welcome, maybe -

lots of good support and experience here, so please keep posting.

my thought is if it's a problem for you - that's all that matters.

have you tried alanon meetings? they have really helped me.

blessings, k