Crossing the line

[dayxday]

As some of you may know, my rock-bottom hit in September. Because I have dealt with alcoholism in my past I was aware of enabling, co-dependency and alanon. I was able to detach from those situations because it wasn’t affecting my home life. It seemed much easier dealing with an alcoholic that wasn’t directly in your life everyday.

However, when the problem with my AH hit close to home (actually in my home) I had absolutely no idea what to do about the problem. Confusion, shame, embarrassment, anger, resentment, you name it I was and am feeling it.

Right away I started seeing a counselor, started going to alanon meetings and AA meetings, joined this forum and have buried myself in books to get as much information and support as I could.

My AH is completing his third week of treatment and I have given support to his acknowledgment that he has a problem and wants to deal with it. I have attended the family sessions at the center and we are also getting counseling and help through the treatment center.

He is aware that he can not come home unless and until I am able to be in a comfort zone and feel the ability to trust and believe in him again. I do believe he wants to change, he knows and I know he has to work his steps through AA and I have to work mine through alanon.

I really do want to save our marriage but it seems like reading the posts so many of you have gone through this same thing just to find out that it was another ploy to hang on a little longer or weaken my resolve to change.

To save our marriage I know first there must be change, I know I have to be supportive of him, yet stand my ground on the boundaries and consequences.

I want to do this right and not get sucked right back into the enabling position. I am really afraid of him taking this too lightly and thinking it’s going to be an easy fix. As of now, we have agreed that when he gets out he will go live with his friend (who is a non drinker), I will stay in the home and we will continue to pay our bills out of our joint account. He has said he will get into AA meetings and I will continue alanon. We will both see private counselors and when we are both ready will find a mutual marriage counselor.

I am really struggling to figure out how much support I provide to his cause before it crosses the line of enabling.

Whether responding to me or just sharing your stories – you people have been wonderful for me. Any ideas or suggestions or sharing of your experiences are appreciated.

Thanks for reading my post and Happy Thanksgiving to all.

[embraced2000]

(((((((((dayxday))))))))))

you sound so strong, and you are so far ahead of the game by taking the steps you have already taken.

i wish i could give you a check-off list, but being in al-anon, you know how impossible that would be. it would only be my check-off list, and would probably not apply to your life at all.

all i can tell you is that you are so smart by doing what you are already doing. there is a way to be supportive of the recovering alcoholic and still protect yourself by enforcing your boundries.

are you comfortable sharing finances with him.....has he been responsible in the past with the joint-checking account?

god bless you and your husband
i pray he finds sobriety and your family can heal

happy thanksgiving to you

jeri

[dayxday]

Hi Jeri,
I do feel strong today – but who knows what tomorrow will bring. I have certainly read enough posts to know it could go either way.

As far as finances – that is the one thing he has really been good about. We both make good money but when we married he lived paycheck to paycheck and had mediocre credit. I budgeted, had savings for emergencies and had perfect credit. I am in accounting and therefore became the money manager. He openly admits that his life financially today is better because I handle the bills and money. We each have our own personal spending account for misc expenses. He doesn't want to loose the perfect credit he has now and still wants me to handle the money. (is this helping him too much?) Maybe I should have a tighter budget for his beer budget huh? (ha ha)

When I first looked at the lists of traits of enablers / co-dependents I thought no way – most of that isn’t me. Well the first alanon meeting set me straight on that!!!! There I was admitting that I believed if he loved me enough he would just stop or do something about his drinking. Yup – I have admitted now I have been his enabler. And once I found this forum – it was even more painfully clear.

My worst fears right now are if I am setting enough boundaries and working the steps. The steps seem confusing but I really want to work them and understand my part in all of this.

What is a check off list? How do I make one?

Thanks for your response – I have read a lot of your posts and you make a lot of sense.

[LizzyP]

you do sound strong, dayxday, and I say, You go girl! Continuing on with Al-Anon, and talking things out with the counselor and a sponsor will help you get some of the answers you're wanting....but those dang answers just don't come quickly enough, do they? I want to encourage you, too,

I really do want to save our marriage but it seems like reading the posts so many of you have gone through this same thing just to find out that it was another ploy to hang on a little longer or weaken my resolve to change.

, I also know of many marriages that made it to where the AH sought and stayed in recovery. It brings me back to we are powerless - powerless (yucko, I want to have the power to know....), powerless over alcohol, powerless over the alcoholic, powerless over his sobriety. Do what you know you are suppose to do today. One thing that also helped me was I got a God Can. I started writing my questions down on it and putting it in the God Can....

Blessing, peace, and love to you

[FriendofBill]

Getting a sponsor and working the steps are key to maintain your recovery and grow.

Have you begun yet?