What's a good response to blame?

[not_boux]

I'm sure everyone here has had to deal with this. I tend to get very angry when he baits me and I want to break that habit.

So, how do you deal with it?

[best]

What's a good response to blame?

No response at all is a very good response.
You know the truth and you know that trying to explain the truth is useless... so no response is the best response.

My wife would get to a point and just agree with me.
In a gentle tone... "yup" and then walk away in silence.
It left me standing there with my mouth open and not knowing what to say.

[prodigal]

I do a slightly different version and say, "Oh, really?" or just "Yeah, okay." Then I walk away. If my AH follows me into another room or tries to escalate the drama, I either ignore him or just keep with the "Yeah, okay, right" mantra. Sometimes that gets him even more agitated because he'll accuse me of not listening to him. When this has happened, I've calmly looked at him and replied, "I'm sorry, I thought I was agreeing with you when I said, 'yeah, okay.' I didn't mean to indicate otherwise."

That shuts him up and he stops the drama-junkie role.

[Grasshopper]

Change my, thoughts,

and my whole world changes.
If i get angry,then ive taken the bait.Another now controls me,through my own anger.
Turn those angery thoughts to the truth,which is
here is a hurting person,trying to get my goat.
Pray for him.And pray for my own strenght,too.
Progress never perfection...smile.

[miss communicat]

Like what others said: no response.

I TRY to stop focussing on the situation, TRY to stop feeding the drama cycle. Sometimes being "neutral" works better than others, but the times I feel it does work give me direction for hope that it will in the future.

[Janitw]

I'm with the Marti and the others, I took no blame and just smiled slightly, shook my head and walked silently out of the situation. My kids however weren't able to handle the situation and if he started in on them it did get ugly.....I would say no response is the best policy.

[denny57]

I used the tools I learned in Al-Anon and it worked. Didn't make him change, but did allow me to not take it personally, turn off my buttons and get on with my day. It was difficult at first, because my first impluse was to react or reply. I learned I can say and do nothing and that is ok.

[Minx1969]

"you might be right"

(then again you might be wrong..but you don't say that)

[Japic05]

I think to myself "Just because someone says it, doesn't make it true"
and
"My refrigerator's not blue"

Early in recovery, on one of those many conversations with my sponsor, I was dealing with statement that someone had some that really had no truth to it - she told me to walk to my kitchen - asked me "What color is my refrigerator?" "It's beige" I replied. She said "No it's not, it's blue" I said "No it's beige" She said "we could have this arguement all night, no matter how many times I say it - it will never make your refrigerator blue, so how can an A make those statements to be true about you, that you know deep inside that they are untrue."
So, many times, when I just have to walk away - I will be mumbling under my breath "My refrigerator's not blue, my refrigerator's not blue" - "Just because someone says it doesn't make it true"

Just my e,s, & h,
Rita

[denny57]

here's another mental image i find helpful

bunny-pancake_small.gif

[LaTeeDa]

How about "I'm sorry you feel that way."

L

[denny57]

Originally Posted by LaTeeDa

How about "I'm sorry you feel that way."

L

I like that one - it never worked with AH, though. He just accused me of being dismissive. It does work with other people in my life, though.

[parentrecovers]

in early recovery, my daughter still plays the blame game. don't know if this will help with an active a, but here's how i try to do it now....

sometimes i say,"if this is where this conversation is headed, i'm out of here" and walk away or hang up.

sometimes i say, "i think i understand how you may feel, but this is YOUR recovery - you get to own all of it - the good and the bad."

sometimes i let her vent, and then try to bring the conversation back to where what we actually talking about -"ok, now, back to what we were discussing..."

if my husband is with me, and she's blaming one or the other of us, whoever is getting the blame looks at the other one and says, "i need some help here" and that person takes over while the one getting blamed walks away.

communication is tough!

[Japic05]

Originally Posted by LaTeeDa

How about "I'm sorry you feel that way."

L

I used that one for a while - then I decided to use "I hate that you are experiencing that feeling" - This way I am not apologizing for someone else's feelings.
Prior to recovery, I was apologizing & feeling guilty for everything - it was just about trying to change old things that didn't work for me anymore.

Today, I try not use the words "I'm sorry" I know it is suppose to mean that I apologize, but for me it is that some ole broken record of being "less than" If I need to make an apology - I use the words amends or I apologize.

Anyway, I know it's just words - but words that are in my head can be damaging to me!
See ya,
Rita

[FriendofBill]

"oh.......?"

[HolyQow]

No response at all is a very good response.

And when AH starts yelling about me not responding, I calmly tell him that I am not responding to any more ridiculous accusations, threats, or "just a joke" comments. This will not get him to shut up, and he may rant louder, but he knows he will not get a response out of me, and eventually stomps off to another room to pout like the child he is acting like.

I have looked back at every single arguement that we have had, and when the light bulb.....no..the FLOOD LIGHT went off in my head, every one of those could have been ended without me saying anything. Instead, all of those arguements ended the same way, my feelings hurt, questioning my sanity, maybe it was my fault?, now I'm a controlling b;tch?, accused of many many impossibilities, and the next day........he remembers NONE of it.

My AH also accuses me of treating him like I treat the kids....well if the bootie fits....

He also wonders how I can just tune the kids out when they are bickering at each other over nothing.....well dear, I've had tons of practice dealing you!

Each situation is "slightly" different: yet still the same. But notice, that almost, if not all here that have dealt with an A, knows that not responding is the easiest. I have taught my children to not argue with AH either, and most of the time, they are doing great with that. I have trouble teaching them to respect all adults tho, as you can see I am lacking respect for my AH, and he struggles with gaining an ounce of respect in our home. He is the stepfather to my oldest two, and hasn't been the greatest role model in their lives, treats me like dirt, then wonders why.

Loved the refridgerator is not blue....and may even say this aloud when he starts telling me something that is impossible to believe....too funny.

[best]

Originally Posted by HolyQow

I have trouble teaching them to respect all adults tho, as you can see I am lacking respect for my AH, and he struggles with gaining an ounce of respect in our home.

You are giving respect by not engaging in the arguement.

When we try doing things for others...we are saying... I don't think you can handle it, so I will do it for you. That is disrespectful.
When we say... It is your issue, you handle it... We are saying... I respect you enough that I am letting "You" deal with "Your" issues.
Respect gained will have others esteem us or admire us. Respect given is ...
To avoid violation of or interference with, as the dictionary says.

[FormerDoormat]

I just fart on him and walk away. Usually leaves him speechless.


Just kidding....

[embraced2000]

[HolyQow]

I disagree a little about the respect. That sounds great, respecting him to handle something without thinking he can't do something.....but the part I disagree about is, he isn't doing anything here but spouting great nonsense, and I have no respect for how he is acting at that time. My kids have no respect for how he acts, nor how he treats me. When I first noticed his behavior was that bad, was when my youngest son started saying "hey woman!" to me when he wanted something......a direct copy of AH. I may respect AH for always going to work, always feeding the dogs, always helping his family when asked, always mowing the grass, changing lightbulbs, etc...for "doing" things, but in no way do I respect him by choosing to not respond to his mouth-run-eth-over.

When I say he can gain no respect in our home, this is mostly from the kids perspective. They have seen his behavior, which is extremely disrespectful to all of us. In turn, they are not able to return any respect, in most situations when he asks them to do anything, because of lack of respect. We are working on it, which includes everyone being more respectful...starting with AH. And getting a teenager to respect anyone is about the same as making an A quit drinking....

My favorite phrase is: Raising teenagers is like trying to nail Jello to a tree...(Living with an A is the same)

My 2 cents.....no charge.

[Zoey]

I am begining to feel sorry for the A's They so like to win games. LOL

A lady went to her Priest crying, my husband called me a *****.

He said, "If he had called you a chair, would that have made you one"??

not boux, Hope all these replys helped. Thanks for a good question.

PS, I can't use that word, it starts with W not B!

[IrshIzNotSmilin]

I am not having this discussion anymore you have been drinking and nothing can be resolved when your drinking

[Doug]

This is a really good thread, and for now, it's gonna be "stickied". It has so many use's, I hope people get a chance to see it.

[TheMissus]

I do the "I'm not speaking to you or listening to you when you've been drinking" one too...

Oh and "Yes Dear"

[steve11694]

even when they have not been drinking the thinking is still blurred and the blame game and irrational mentation persists.

once when told out daughter is the only reason she stays with me i replied with a happy face; "am i really that bad"? she answered "not really" she was expecting my response to be as nasty as her statement. it seems they like to get you going with anger.

another response i have tried with some luck is "alcohol is your enemy, not me" that can stop her in her tracks.

# looking for someone to blame, look in the mirror"



have a nice weekend