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Old 11-04-2006, 05:37 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Maturity Question

Has anyone else experienced dealing with their A's lack of maturity? My sister started drinking in her mid to late teens, and I find she still acts like a teenager at the age of 38 (even after she was sober for 5 years). The way she dresses, her interests, etc, are not common for a 38 year old woman. Maybe it's all the medications she's on for her mental problems (which I fully believe were nonexistent until she started going to rehab). Will she always be like this?
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Old 11-04-2006, 06:28 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Maturity in alcoholism is stunted when using begins. Emotional growth is stopped, as it is numbed by the usage.

They say that an alcoholic who comes into recovery is emotionally the age where he began to drink, many usually took a first drink around 11-13. So imagine, when you start numbing yourself to all thehappenings inyour life, you have no mature ability to grow and deal with situations. Thats why they seek enablers to handle thier problems.

So, will she grow into a mature, capable person? Yes.......if people dont enable her and she works her spiritual program sincerely enough.

To help her, you must never do for her what she must do for herself.


Recently, my son's guitar broke, I suggested he call a friend of mine who knows about guitars....he got all "Shy", didnt want to make the call and ask for help, wanted me to do it. I said no because I want him to learn how to be responsible for himself....he is 14, can make plenty of calls, IF he wants thehelp bad enough.

He called.

Did for himself....becoming mature. Nice!
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Old 11-04-2006, 06:31 AM   #3 (permalink)
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I could not have said it any better then *** just did. That is my understanding of the process as well
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Old 11-04-2006, 07:22 AM   #4 (permalink)
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I dunno whether my A is immature because he drinks, or immature because he lived with his mum who did everything for him, and I mean EVERYTHING...

He's extremely immature, I sometimes think my 9yr old is more responsible...

Take last night for example...he blamed me for being in a bad mood all day and said I started it..."Started what?" I asked, I'd been in a really good mood for most of the day...he said "What was all that sxxx about this morning?"
I didn't have a clue what he was talking about.
It turned out when we where talking yesterday morning a tv programme came on tv...no one turned it on, it just started on the channel that was already on...it was a programme I don't mind and one that my A can't stand...he got up and went in the kitchen, I thought nothing of it...
Last night I "left the programme on on purpose to **** him off" and I "should have turned it over immediately because I knew he didn't like it"....he didn't just go into the kitchen to do something, he went in there because he didn't like what was on tv and he stood in there doing nothing (sulking) for 20 minutes, why didn't he turn it over?
I actually started laughing at the lunacy of it, he was fuming...and I wasn't even watching the silly tv programme...how immature is that?

How do we deal with it? We ignore it, let them get on with their childish tantrums and go about OUR business...once he started his ranting last night I got my cup of tea and went upstairs to watch tv and left him alone, like he deserves to be if he can't speak to me normally.
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Old 11-04-2006, 10:23 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Quote:
Has anyone else experienced dealing with their A's lack of maturity? My sister started drinking in her mid to late teens, and I find she still acts like a teenager at the age of 38 (even after she was sober for 5 years). The way she dresses, her interests, etc, are not common for a 38 year old woman. Maybe it's all the medications she's on for her mental problems (which I fully believe were nonexistent until she started going to rehab). Will she always be like this?
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First of all, yes this happens quite often when one afflicted with alcoholism or drug addiction. Second, so that you might get a better understanding I would like to suggest you read "Under The Influence" followed by "Beyond The Influence." Both are EXTREMELY informative books.

Third I think you will find, if you do some more research on the subject that many many of us used alcohol to "self medicate" that the alcohol is but a symbol of much deeper problems. The ISM in alcoholism is often described as I, Self, Me.

As to maturing, well, it takes time, lol I started drinking in earnest at 12 years of age, and didn't get sober until 3 weeks shy of my 36th birthday. Yep I was a 12 year old in a 36 year old body, lmao. Now, 25+ years later, I figure I'm about 37 now emotionally even though my body is 61. lol

I think in the early years of recovery many of us try to make up for some of the years we lost, ie dressing much younger than our age, acting silly, our choice of music, etc etc However, as we grow and change in our recovery we do start to 'catch up'.

I personally ended up in INTENSE THERAPY with a pysch Dr at 9 years sober when my Chronic depression with intermitant periods of manic behavior became unbearable and it was then I found out some of those real deep problems I had self medicated for so many years.

Sounds to me, based on what you have shared, that your sister, with 5 years sober is doing A-OK. Sometimes, those of us on the Road Of Recovery cannot meet our own expectations yet alone the 'expectations of others.'

It's a long slow process. Might I suggest you check out Al-anon and attend at least 6 meetings before deciding whether the Fellowship can help you or not.

J M H O

Please keep posting and let us know how YOU are doing, we do care very much.

Love and hugs,
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Old 11-04-2006, 11:46 AM   #6 (permalink)
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when people would question my decision to divorce, ask me how bad could it be, living with an alcoholic who wasn't violent or abusive, I would say Imagine being married to a 5 year old. You can't be married to a 5 year old, they can't hold up their end of the relationship, even if they're 6ft tall and have a driver's license and a job and credit cards, they're still only 5 years old and incapable of a mature adult committed relationship. And I did not sign up to be a single mom of a 6ft tall 5 year old.

That was my ex AH. I'm sure he didnt' start drinking at 5, I think he said he was in his late teens; but maybe he started drinking and using in his teens because he still felt himself to be only 5 years old.

I think it's pretty common with addicts of all flavors. And others too, I'm sure we all know people who act immaturely without their necessarily being addicts or mental health patients. Everyone travels their own path after all. In some ways I'm still a 10 yr old tomboy myself.
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Old 11-05-2006, 09:00 AM   #7 (permalink)
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I actually had a professional psycholgist tell me not too long ago that addiction does not affect maturity. I told her "That's not the alcholics I talk to tell me.."

I agree - as enablers, we have to take some responsibilty here on this one. If I had not solved so many of my daughter's problems over the years, she would know how to solve them herself. What is MY responsibility in this?

K
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Old 11-05-2006, 09:13 AM   #8 (permalink)
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If I had not solved so many of my daughter's problems over the years, she would know how to solve them herself.
PC please do not beat yourself up over this. Remember, we alkie/addicts are GREAT MANIPULATORS to get others to do for us, rofl (I know its not funny when its happening). I shouldn't speak for all, will just speak for me, lol. When I was still out there practicing God help anyone that got in the way of something I wanted, when I wanted it. I believe they call it SELF WILL RUN RIOT. Yep just like a 5 yr old. And boy could I throw tantrums.

The only good thing about those experiences while I was practicing is today, I can spot it in an instant in someone I am working with and can call them on their BS immediately, lol. So my manipulation and manipulation techniques have become part of my Experience in my ES&H.

Just as it takes time for the alkie/addict to turn around in recovery, it takes time for our codie side to learn to say NO and mean it, lol.

You're doing good PC you're posting, you're reading, you're asking excellent questions, you're "getting it" lol slowly but you are. I know its hard to say NO to a loved one. But it will get easier.

J M H O

Love and hugs,
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Old 11-05-2006, 09:48 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Will she always be like this? HOpefully not. Hopefully, she will grow and mature, but who can say for sure? Anyways, in women, I think it damages their brains quicker than men and there is research to support this. Plus, with all the so called mental problems and the meds, who knows? pysch problems and substance abuse are not good mixes, esp if one is still actively abusing.
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Old 11-05-2006, 09:49 AM   #10 (permalink)
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article that is interesting..

http://alcoholism.about.com/cs/women/a/aa010604.htm
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