I loved him......

[StandingStrong]

For the newbies here, I wanted to share.

I loved him.....I worried about him....I was anxious and stressed....I spent countless hours alone....I was neglected.

I tried to talk to him....I tried to lead him to help (AA/counseling & God). I tried to reason with him, I tried to bargain, and I tried to control his alcohol consumption.

I cried alot, I begged him to stop, I guilted him, I yelled at him, and I drove myself insane wishing that he'd get his act together. I stressed about things, I took care of things, I became a great enabler.

I put faith in his words, I believed his promises, and I clung to the belief that "this time" would be the time he'd finally stop. I hung onto hope each time I was given a small ray of things getting better. And in the end, I'd always feel that heartbroken disappointment as things returned to their normal pattern.

I accepted many things I shouldn't have. I accepted that this was our life and that this was how it was. This life became "normal".

I eventually began to believe that his drinking was my fault. I believed that if I were prettier, a better person, a better wife, etc - that he wouldn't treat me like this. I believed the verbal abuse and I believed that I was to blame. I blamed myself, I felt guilt, and I was sad, depressed, and heartbroken.

Any of this sounding familiar?

Sometimes I believe that some of us on this board come across as cold, unemtional, and even heartless to new members. We've come to a place in our recoveries where we see things differently, we feel differently, etc. But I remember clearly thinking that I wouldn't forget where I'd been and how I felt because I wanted the new members here to know that they were understood. I'd been there and I know the hurt.

Today, I view things differently than I once did. My life is not the same as it was once. But it took a lot of time and alot of pain to get where I am. I am not done growing either - my journey of recovery will be a life-long effort. The scars that I carry with me for having lived with an alcoholic are for life, the life that I had loving an alcoholic and losing myself will forever be a part of who I am and will affect me forever. My life did not turn upside down overnight and will not be fixed in one day either. It's a process.

For those of you that are new here.....please believe that we all came here with questions, hurts, and pain. We each came here seeking answers and seeking to find a way to relieve ourselves of the pain that we felt. While our stories may not all be the exact same, there are many similarities between us.

While you may have felt once that no one understood - you will find understanding here. While you may not always feel that anyone really "gets it", believe me when I tell you that we "get it". While you may often times feel alone - you are not alone!!!!!

We really do care!!!

[mallowcup]

Yes, I was fat, ugly, stupid, a prude. I was the last to know about the concaine, the lies about money, the women, the girls, the secret phone calls. I was beaten and humilated, I was verbally abused and neglected. My comments may seem direct, perhaps even cold but I remember the very worst thing was that everyone knew but me. Not one person thought enough of me to step up and be direct. We are all entitled to at least our dignity in these matters. When my first marriage ended , I could not believe how many people THEN said, I know, every one knew. Here's my conclusion. I want to base my life on the truth. When we get to the end of our lives we appreciate how precious every breath is. We take so many for granted. I want to make my own decisions about how and who I invest my life into. My husband stayed out all night. He spent money hand over fist, while I was home scraping for money for milk, he was out with the girl next door. They went to every bar in town. No one told me. No one was my friend. People knew he hit me and not one person came to me with the only ammunition I could have used to get him removed. I keep a stack of checks that is about 3 inches thick. Each check is for either $50 or $100. Stupid stupid stupid! Concaine! If I'm rough on new posters it's because I have the advantage of retrospect. You can put lipstick on a pig but it's still a pig. We have to see what is in our faces. If a person stays knowingly, that is between them and God. These are the precious days of our lives and I just want each person here to spend their time and energy on the truths and not the lies. We didn't have the internet then, there was no forum. I certainly understand the pain of it. I think when people poo pooed me, I found it insulting. I have great compassion, but I also want to light a fire. I hate to think peopke crumple up. I want them to rise to a stand with a warriors heart.

[FriendofBill]

The can only stand like a warrior after the have fallen like a baby.And fallen hard.....real, damn F***** hard.

They need a hand up in order to learn to stand up. And they will. One step, one day, one tear drop at a time.

[prodigal]

A post that should be up with the other stickies. I hope every newbie reads this. There are some who post here and are never heard from again after they tell us we're all full of crap, they don't like our responses, or they spend a day or two defending their own system of insanity.

This post should be "Newbie 101 - Orientation."

[denny57]

Yep. The lying, the cheating, the verbal abuse and almost physical abuse. The begging and pleading. The shame, guilt, anger. Manipulation on both sides. Believing love would fix it all.

Being with someone 18 years and knowing it had to end. Loving him in spite of all the heartache. Loving him with all my heart and finally, finally, understanding that letting go was best for BOTH of us. I never want to return to those days of crying in a fetal position - but I understand them.

I hope everyone new will come to understand there can be serenity and happiness on the other side of the insanity.

[reader]

Right on Standing Strong!!! The tough love sometimes stings but we all mean well.

Sometimes we have to get of of our high horses or our soap boxes as my grandma use to say lend that helping hand that is firm yet full of love!!!!!!!

[TheMissus]

I think some people appear "hardened" and "too tough" because the newbies are not expecting that kind of response and they believe in their
own insanity. They (myself included when I came here first) don't know what the regulars here know. As Alcoholism is progressive, so is co-dependancy...they're at a lower stage, they haven't progressed enough.
They haven't read all the stickies...they feel they're different...their A is different...he wouldn't do those things and if he did, well, it'd be for a different reason...their story is different..."you lot talk a load of crap".

I found some of the "tough love" very hard to listen too/read...I defended my insanity and I told myself I wasn't going to come here again. I thought some members where "heartless" and had a "I know it all" attitude...I thought.
The "tough love" replies hurt and where hard to deal with because they where true, because I wasn't ready to have it spelt out to me, because I wanted to cling to the hope that my A was different.

Now I don't think anyone here is cruel. Straight talking yes, but not cruel. I don't know it all and neither does anyone else. We're all here with a common reason and we all share experiences. I can take what I want and leave the rest. But in some cases, the bits you want to "leave" are the bits that hit home the most.

The thing I have found about coming here that amazes me the most is the similarities in the stories. I'll open a post, start reading and think "god, I know what he/she means there....and there, been there done that...and that...and that too".

Newbies might take offence because they think their story is different, their A is different...but in the end, our A's all suffer from the same disease/condition and the symptoms are very very similar. Our partners might be different but our A's are very much the same in alot of ways. And our hurt, confusion, our co dependancy is very similar also.

For any newbies that read this, if you get "tough" responses, if people say things you aren't ready to deal with yet..you don't have to. You don't have to agree, you don't have to do anything that anyone tells you to do...But sticking around is prolly the best thing to do....after a while the "tough" love responses won't seem so hardened, they'll start making sense.

Nat xxx

[deax]

I still love mine. And I still have bad days and weeks (like, this one!). Yet somehow I ended up here too, with my life being different than it was before.

Some days I'm grateful, other days I have to stop myself from running back to him. It is a process, but in time you learn to at least value the committment you make to yourself in recovery. I can still relate to almost every new person here, yet I think I've gained enough distance to have a clearer perspective based on what I learned and on my own experiences. Which is all I think most people are trying to relay.

If we all had all the answers in our own lives, we wouldn't need a place like this. And I learned early on here: take what you like and leave the rest. I just hope no one uses that as an excuse to ignore the advice not that they genuinely don't agree with, but that they don't want to hear.

[justme2007]

The can only stand like a warrior after the have fallen like a baby.And fallen hard.....real, damn F***** hard.

FriendofBill, so very true!!! I agree it is so important for friends/family to understand this. Makes me wish I would not have visited him in jail, written to him, sent him money, taken his (expensive!) phone calls. Everyone said I was not helping him, but in my sickness I could not see it. I thought I was "loving" him. I was hurting his chance of ever recovering.

The 3rd step is realizing that my Higher Power talks through people (healthy people), and turning my will over in alignment with their suggestions, having faith that everything will be as it should if I just "get out of the way!" I could kick myself for thinking I knew best, that "they" were wrong (people who said I should walk away). My AA sponsor gently said, "When the pain is bad enough, you will take the suggestion (to leave him alone). The pain has gotten bad, and I am determined to walk away and try to get healthy in Al-Anon and ACoA.

Sorry for rambling. I am grateful for this forum, and hopefully will become grateful for the pain my AXBF "caused" me, knowing it got me into recovery from co-dependence, etc.

Happy Halloween, all.

[mfisher]

It never fails when I am having one of those days, it is all right here to bring me back into prospective. I did it for 23 years in just that order.
For some reason Halloween has become a holiday and put me in a funk.
Not only do the newbies need this, sometimes the oldies need a swift kick in the butt.
Thanks for the great post, I agree it needs to be a sticky, so it doesn't get lost.

[cwohio]

thank you SS!

[Pick-a-name]

Thanks SS ! I have lately asked myself "how did this happen?"...well,you summed it up very well.

And as for all you newbies (and not-so-newbies,too):

[DesertEyes]

I stickied it under "Classic Reading"

Mike

[lillamy]

Standing Strong, I really appreciate your post. Because I have been of a divided mind about coming back because I have gotten the sense that many here have a different journey & experience than I have, and maybe this is not the place for me. Because my alcoholic isn't abusive or intimidating; I never live in fear of him; he's a sad, pitiful, crying, wailing mess of a drunk...
... but you know what? When I went to my first Al-Anon meeting, I couldn't relate to everyone else either. And part of it, I figured out, is the judgmental attitude I built to survive: My situation is unique. My drunk is unique. Nobody else understands him. Nobody understands me like he does. We're these unique starcrossed lovers...

I'm new to recovery. But what I have learned, and what I know that I know that I know -- is this: I can't always see my own disease-of-attitude. But I can always see it in someone else. And when I hear another member here -- or at Al-Anon -- tell their story... and I can see how sick and twisted their thinking is... and I nod my head and go "Yup. Thought that. Done that. Just didn't see how sick it was when it was me doin' it!".. then it's worth every minute of time spent there. Because that's where the healing begins, for me.

[wraybear]

SS, this post brought me tears as it reminded me of the near distant past and my ongoing recovery. It is sometimes easy to forget how far we have come and this was a great reminder to count my many blessings every day. I have come far... I am more confident, I can make decisions without constant worry about whether it was the right or wrong one, if I do mess up, instead of beating myself up I can now look at it as a growing experience. And yes, it took me 15 years of beating myself up, it will take years to grow. Thanks so much for this wonderful post. I hope it helps the newbies as much as it helped me!

[barb dwyer]

HP is so awesome!
(what a masterpiece of an understatement)

I don't know how I got here - well, obviously I do, I just didn't realize it at the time, I was going someplace else, I thought.
Suddenly, I was reading my own life. My last relationship. With the man I almost went to see last night. All except the physical abuse part.
And that I would just drink right along with him.

I'm only sober 73 days. It would not have been good. To have stopped. Woke up today all freaking out, shaky, ' nervous, irritable, and discontent' ...
oh, wow.
Thank you. Thank you all.

The shakes are gone. My mind is a bit quieter.

Thank you. And thank HP ... for writing through you, and for the Program.

[flashlight]

I can not believe that your words look like my mind speaking
Yes it is true what you said .
I do have a hard time sometimes to understand myself not him...
What do I want from all of this. It will be better being alone without him? No I love him it sounds pretty stupid doesn't it?
We have one kid and another on the way. He loves his love and dad loves him no douth about it
Why live is so difficult for ones and so easy for anothers?

[denny57]

Hi flashlight, sorry I missed your post

Welcome to SR

Hope you'll start a new thread so we can get to know you.

Glad you're here!

[dollydo]

Powerful post, so very true.

When I first came to SR, I knew my A was different...was he? NO...their behavior is all the same...same to the point of being bored with the entire adventure.

I've learned, I've let go...I am at peace.

Thanks,

Dolly

[amber98]

I've stayed away from this site for quite some time. I felt being a newbie to the group I sometimes wasn't being heard. Some of the responses I was getting from other members made me feel weak and pathetic. Something made me come to this site this evening, maybe it's the holidays approaching and that I need a little reassurance that I'm not all alone and in pain. I read your sticky on "I Loved Him. I can't thank you enough for reminding me and also reassuring me what I had lived with for the last four years of my life with my ex. Every single word you wrote was my life in a nutshell. Christmas is the hardest time of year for anyone who has lost someone. I feel I've lost my ex in the same way a wife has lost her husband to death. It's so ironic how the alcoholic can go on with his life after wrecking a loved ones life. Where do the victim in all of this come out on top?

[dollydo]

Amber,

My only response is:

We, the victim, come out on top, by letting go, by moving forward with our lives.

We must take baby steps, it takes along time to turn the corner. We are so beaten down, that we lose our momentum.

I agree about losing someone, the hardest thing I had to accept was that I had lost him long before he physically left.

Make your Holiday Season Special,

Dolly

[sisterray]

I am a newcomer, but in no way a newcomer to all the pain I know I can avoid, but don't. I have been with him for years. He treats me like a best friend at times and like the stupidest person he knows at other times. I love him, I hate his guts. We have a baby (11 mo.) He's in jail again, for being stupid and drinking on probation for drinking on probation for drinking....on and on. Three months this time. Drank the mortgage payment before he left. I went to jail to visit him and he yelled at me through the glass. Our visit lasted 12 minutes before he left. Still I can't seem to get my **** together enough to stop it all. I will wind up letting him back in, because I may believe his bullshit and miss him while he is gone. He will be good for a month or so. Seeing what I have just typed-I feel like the biggest loser. But I don't stop. I know I need to end it, but whenever it comes time to do it-I don't. I know you all have been there-where do I start?

[luvmyfam]

As a newbie I see why others see the long time posters as cold and heartless.
This is rediculous. But in all honestly, true. for me.
It's because I want to come here and find answers. happy answers. not answers of how just you have survived and grown. but happy little answers how you and your loved ones made it through and everything is okay. And it's not that way.
I want someone to tell me how to get my husband back. I want someone to tell me what to do!
And thats not what I find here. truth, yes. maybe it's a truth i'm not ready to accept yet. or maybe i just still believe there is some hope. I'm not sure. I appreciate your help and honesty and input but part of the reality of where this is and what the likelyhood is is all too much.
saying that, i greatly appreciate everything from everyone on here.

[denny57]

Originally Posted by luvmyfam

As a newbie I see why others see the long time posters as cold and heartless.

Wow, what a statement.

[luvmyfam]

Originally Posted by denny57

Wow, what a statement.

If you read my entire post and not just the first line yuo would see how I explain why I understand they feel this but also why it is not true.