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Old 09-30-2006, 06:43 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Potential

I have been reading all the posts here and am sooo moved by the honesty and rawness of the feelings here. I see a reaccuring theme that reminded me of something a therapist told me years ago.

I kept saying "But I know what a good person he is inside, if he could just be the man I know he could be", ect., ect.,......
My therapist said "It is not wise to base a relationship on loving someone's "potential." We ALL have the potential to be many things. It is WHO we ARE TODAY that needs to be acknowledged. Do you love who he is TODAY?, because that is the only person you can be absolutely sure he is willing to be and that may be who you will be trying to "love" forever."


WOW. That one paragraph changed my WHOLE life. I have been divorced from him for ten years and he is still, as of yet, hasn't become the person "I knew he could be."

Just wanted to share that. Peace.
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Old 09-30-2006, 06:51 AM   #2 (permalink)
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That appies to ourselves as well

I have lots of plans of where I want to be and what I want to be doing in 10 years, it doenst matter much if I get hit by a truck this afternoon. My kids will be in their thirties in 10 years. I've had pretty firm plans that went right out the window because of some unforeseen factor. We have to be our best today. Today may be out last. what I say to my kids, may be the last words they ever hear from me. I have sat with many people who are actively dying. I count their respirations and have thought many times how important each breath is. How we take a lifetime of them for granted. I think we should meet each days potential. I hear what you are saying. I also think this applies in days tha thave come and gone. Who we think we' be and who we were are only as impotant as who we are today. I have the abilty to get out of bed every single morning with no memory of yesterday and no obcesssion with the future and I can put my feet on the floor and make the day what ever I choose.
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Old 09-30-2006, 06:53 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Yes.
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Old 09-30-2006, 07:05 AM   #4 (permalink)
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There seems to be such a history with codependents. We've become the way we are for a reason. We can't change the ast or resolve some of it. We can chuck it, factor it out. Put it in a mental box that we can throw away. I can't do what I need to do and drag that box around. It's full of tax returns that at 14 years old. It's junk. As I chuck my box of junk, I can't drag my husbands box for him either. He wont chuck it. If he did, he wouldn't get away with what he's doing. Truth is, we can all take that box and chuck it into the fire. We can mentally stand there and watch it all become undocumented history. How can you possibly have a happy life when you walk around with 50 years of sticky note reminders plastered all over your forehead?
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Old 09-30-2006, 03:15 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by spring
I have been reading all the posts here and am sooo moved by the honesty and rawness of the feelings here. I see a reaccuring theme that reminded me of something a therapist told me years ago.

I kept saying "But I know what a good person he is inside, if he could just be the man I know he could be", ect., ect.,......
My therapist said "It is not wise to base a relationship on loving someone's "potential." We ALL have the potential to be many things. It is WHO we ARE TODAY that needs to be acknowledged. Do you love who he is TODAY?, because that is the only person you can be absolutely sure he is willing to be and that may be who you will be trying to "love" forever."
That's where I am today. AH has been sober for 9 months but has not attended any AA meetings in at least a month. He's depressed, hell bent on beating himself up over the destruction his drinking has caused him and those he loves the most. He has great potential, especialy now that he's not drinking but he don't see it. He was fired from a good job as a graphic designer for a local newspaper (he has his BA in the arts..print journalism to be exact.) He was so good at what he did that he won 4 front page design awards in two months, more than anyone in the entire company he worked for now he's just a mess. He's waiting tables to pay his child support and seems to have no desire to reach higher. We are both in therapy but it's too early to tell if it's helping either of us. Honestly I don't truely love who he is today. I'm greatful he's not drinking but saddend to see the shell of a man he has become since he's quit drinking. If this is the only person he is willing to be I will not be able to stay in this marriage. He's fresh into sobriety so I stay hoping that once he finds a way to deal with all of the pain he has caused and forgive himself, maybe..just maybe he will be able to be all he is capable of being. I can't live with him the way he is now, forever and he is well aware of this. So, in the meantime I work on my issues. Why did I find myself married to an alcoholic? I'm a product of the disease. I ahve alot of unfinished business when it comes to my childhood and eary adult hood that I'm trying to come to terms with right now and It's very painful sometimes, so painful it's emotionally exhausting. No wonder I never wanted to deal with it before. Thanks for the post. It reminds me of where I am right now and where I want to be in the futrue.
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Old 09-30-2006, 09:50 PM   #6 (permalink)
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attitudes and actions go hand in hand.... I like this part:
Quote:
It is WHO we ARE TODAY that needs to be acknowledged.
thanks for sharing
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Old 09-30-2006, 11:59 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Hi Spring...
Quote:
My therapist said "It is not wise to base a relationship on loving someone's "potential." We ALL have the potential to be many things. It is WHO we ARE TODAY that needs to be acknowledged. Do you love who he is TODAY?, because that is the only person you can be absolutely sure he is willing to be and that may be who you will be trying to "love" forever."

Wow!! How very very true!
Thanks you for sharing that powerfil message.

Blessings..
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Old 10-01-2006, 12:04 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Your welcome. I thought is was so simple and it rang very true for me too.
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Old 10-01-2006, 08:14 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Haahhahahahahaha yes that "potential" thing. That would keep me hooked in for so long. They are who they are whether they have "potential" or not.

Ngaire
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Old 10-01-2006, 09:54 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Fabulous post, Spring. Thanks for sharing.
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Old 10-02-2006, 03:28 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Shouldn't this be a sticky?
Thank you, spring !
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Old 10-02-2006, 03:47 PM   #12 (permalink)
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[QUOTE=Zoey]Shouldn't this be a sticky?...QUOTE]

Done stickied, I put it under "classic reading"

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Old 10-02-2006, 06:00 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Mike, Thank you so much. You do good.
Have I told you lately that I am glad you are here?? Well I am glad!
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Old 10-02-2006, 07:48 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Thank you for sharing that Spring. Very empowering.
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Old 10-03-2006, 09:11 AM   #15 (permalink)
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I didn't even have to think that. My AH did it for me, he even used that line. " I know the man I want to be and the man I could be....but I need your help."
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Old 10-03-2006, 09:36 AM   #16 (permalink)
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I didn't even have to think that. My AH did it for me, he even used that line. " I know the man I want to be and the man I could be....but I need your help."
So did mine, in his way. I mean, I take full responsibility for my share in this. But he definitely helped it along- my feeling needed.
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Old 10-03-2006, 10:15 AM   #17 (permalink)
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Oh I certainly believed. I can see it now, but I know at the time just as he knew, it was what I wanted to hear.
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Old 10-03-2006, 11:13 AM   #18 (permalink)
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Wow. This rings so true. But where does it leave me now? I don't want to live this life for the rest of mine... I can't. It will destroy my children and me as well.
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Old 10-03-2006, 11:55 AM   #19 (permalink)
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It leaves you with the awareness that the rest of your life is, ultimately, yours!! Isn't that marvelous?!!!!!

Peace
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Old 02-05-2007, 07:05 AM   #20 (permalink)
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"If he could just be the man I know he could be..."

oops wrong place
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Old 02-05-2007, 07:21 AM   #21 (permalink)
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Thanks so much for posting that, Spring. That was my problem - the reason I stayed in a horrible, loveless marriage for 12 years. I always thought he would change. He didn't. So I finally left.
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Old 02-05-2007, 07:40 AM   #22 (permalink)
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i just heard this last night from my xah...."you know i'm a great guy down deep inside. i can be a really good guy"

well, yes, you can. but you shouldn't get lollipops everytime you're a "good boy".......

it's not wrong to expect consistant, great behavior from your loved ones, with occasional outbursts of grumpy days.

the little glimmers of the "great potential" keeps us hooked......and then it is our deal....it is about why we choose to continue to wait for the potential to come to the surface. jmho
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Old 02-05-2007, 03:21 PM   #23 (permalink)
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Thanks for bumping up this old post, I'm sure that many can benefit from it.

In reading this again - I had a thought I'd not thought the last time I'd read it.

1) I wouldn't want someone to be with me for my potential - I'd like them to be with me for who I am. I'd never really given that thought before. Hmm......

And here's another thought too:

Some of us may love the potential of another person ----- but isn't it interesting that we allowed our own potential to disappear in the process?
We gave up our potential in loving someone else's potential. Hmmm.......

Of course, we all can change at any given time and still reach our own potential (as I believe we do when we are recoverying), I guess I just know that when XAH and I were together before I started my own recovery, I did give up myself, my self worth, and many things - my own potential included.

Intesting how sometimes when I read something, I can read it again later and come away with something different. Love things that make me think!
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Old 02-05-2009, 02:16 PM   #24 (permalink)
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Wow.
THis quote just really helped me today. THANK YOU
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Old 02-10-2009, 01:11 PM   #25 (permalink)
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"I kept saying "But I know what a good person he is inside, if he could just be the man I know he could be", ect., ect.,......
My therapist said "It is not wise to base a relationship on loving someone's "potential." We ALL have the potential to be many things. It is WHO we ARE TODAY that needs to be acknowledged. Do you love who he is TODAY?, because that is the only person you can be absolutely sure he is willing to be and that may be who you will be trying to "love" forever."


Dear spring,

Decided to back track and read some older messages...thank you for this message. I use to live in the "potential" world also. What your therapist said makes a lot of sense. I'll never forget it.

mtr
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