Potential - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

spring · 09-30-2006, 06:43 AM

I have been reading all the posts here and am sooo moved by the honesty and rawness of the feelings here. I see a reaccuring theme that reminded me of something a therapist told me years ago.

I kept saying "But I know what a good person he is inside, if he could just be the man I know he could be", ect., ect.,......
My therapist said "It is not wise to base a relationship on loving someone's "potential." We ALL have the potential to be many things. It is WHO we ARE TODAY that needs to be acknowledged. Do you love who he is TODAY?, because that is the only person you can be absolutely sure he is willing to be and that may be who you will be trying to "love" forever."

WOW. That one paragraph changed my WHOLE life. I have been divorced from him for ten years and he is still, as of yet, hasn't become the person "I knew he could be."

Just wanted to share that. Peace.

mallowcup · 09-30-2006, 06:51 AM

I have lots of plans of where I want to be and what I want to be doing in 10 years, it doenst matter much if I get hit by a truck this afternoon. My kids will be in their thirties in 10 years. I've had pretty firm plans that went right out the window because of some unforeseen factor. We have to be our best today. Today may be out last. what I say to my kids, may be the last words they ever hear from me. I have sat with many people who are actively dying. I count their respirations and have thought many times how important each breath is. How we take a lifetime of them for granted. I think we should meet each days potential. I hear what you are saying. I also think this applies in days tha thave come and gone. Who we think we' be and who we were are only as impotant as who we are today. I have the abilty to get out of bed every single morning with no memory of yesterday and no obcesssion with the future and I can put my feet on the floor and make the day what ever I choose.

spring · 09-30-2006, 06:53 AM

Yes.

mallowcup · 09-30-2006, 07:05 AM

There seems to be such a history with codependents. We've become the way we are for a reason. We can't change the ast or resolve some of it. We can chuck it, factor it out. Put it in a mental box that we can throw away. I can't do what I need to do and drag that box around. It's full of tax returns that at 14 years old. It's junk. As I chuck my box of junk, I can't drag my husbands box for him either. He wont chuck it. If he did, he wouldn't get away with what he's doing. Truth is, we can all take that box and chuck it into the fire. We can mentally stand there and watch it all become undocumented history. How can you possibly have a happy life when you walk around with 50 years of sticky note reminders plastered all over your forehead?

blizzard77 · 09-30-2006, 03:15 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by spring

I have been reading all the posts here and am sooo moved by the honesty and rawness of the feelings here. I see a reaccuring theme that reminded me of something a therapist told me years ago.

I kept saying "But I know what a good person he is inside, if he could just be the man I know he could be", ect., ect.,......
My therapist said "It is not wise to base a relationship on loving someone's "potential." We ALL have the potential to be many things. It is WHO we ARE TODAY that needs to be acknowledged. Do you love who he is TODAY?, because that is the only person you can be absolutely sure he is willing to be and that may be who you will be trying to "love" forever."

That's where I am today. AH has been sober for 9 months but has not attended any AA meetings in at least a month. He's depressed, hell bent on beating himself up over the destruction his drinking has caused him and those he loves the most. He has great potential, especialy now that he's not drinking but he don't see it. He was fired from a good job as a graphic designer for a local newspaper (he has his BA in the arts..print journalism to be exact.) He was so good at what he did that he won 4 front page design awards in two months, more than anyone in the entire company he worked for now he's just a mess. He's waiting tables to pay his child support and seems to have no desire to reach higher. We are both in therapy but it's too early to tell if it's helping either of us. Honestly I don't truely love who he is today. I'm greatful he's not drinking but saddend to see the shell of a man he has become since he's quit drinking. If this is the only person he is willing to be I will not be able to stay in this marriage. He's fresh into sobriety so I stay hoping that once he finds a way to deal with all of the pain he has caused and forgive himself, maybe..just maybe he will be able to be all he is capable of being. I can't live with him the way he is now, forever and he is well aware of this. So, in the meantime I work on my issues. Why did I find myself married to an alcoholic? I'm a product of the disease. I ahve alot of unfinished business when it comes to my childhood and eary adult hood that I'm trying to come to terms with right now and It's very painful sometimes, so painful it's emotionally exhausting. No wonder I never wanted to deal with it before. Thanks for the post. It reminds me of where I am right now and where I want to be in the futrue.

***cmc*** · 09-30-2006, 09:50 PM

attitudes and actions go hand in hand.... I like this part:

Quote:

It is WHO we ARE TODAY that needs to be acknowledged.

thanks for sharing

**CarolD** · 09-30-2006, 11:59 PM

Hi Spring...

Quote:

My therapist said "It is not wise to base a relationship on loving someone's "potential." We ALL have the potential to be many things. It is WHO we ARE TODAY that needs to be acknowledged. Do you love who he is TODAY?, because that is the only person you can be absolutely sure he is willing to be and that may be who you will be trying to "love" forever."

Wow!! How very very true!
Thanks you for sharing that powerfil message.

Blessings..

spring · 10-01-2006, 12:04 AM

Your welcome. I thought is was so simple and it rang very true for me too.

CatsTail · 10-01-2006, 08:14 AM

Haahhahahahahaha yes that "potential" thing. That would keep me hooked in for so long. They are who they are whether they have "potential" or not.

Ngaire

FormerDoormat · 10-01-2006, 09:54 PM

Fabulous post, Spring. Thanks for sharing.

Zoey · 10-02-2006, 03:28 PM

Shouldn't this be a sticky?
Thank you, spring !

**DesertEyes** · 10-02-2006, 03:47 PM

[QUOTE=Zoey]Shouldn't this be a sticky?...QUOTE]

Done stickied, I put it under "classic reading"

Mike

Zoey · 10-02-2006, 06:00 PM

Mike, Thank you so much. You do good.
Have I told you lately that I am glad you are here?? Well I am glad!

JessicaNAJ · 10-02-2006, 07:48 PM

Thank you for sharing that Spring. Very empowering.

marriedithink · 10-03-2006, 09:11 AM

I didn't even have to think that. My AH did it for me, he even used that line. " I know the man I want to be and the man I could be....but I need your help."

deax · 10-03-2006, 09:36 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by marriedithink

I didn't even have to think that. My AH did it for me, he even used that line. " I know the man I want to be and the man I could be....but I need your help."

So did mine, in his way. I mean, I take full responsibility for my share in this. But he definitely helped it along- my feeling needed.

marriedithink · 10-03-2006, 10:15 AM

Oh I certainly believed. I can see it now, but I know at the time just as he knew, it was what I wanted to hear.

caajcd1425 · 10-03-2006, 11:13 AM

Wow. This rings so true. But where does it leave me now? I don't want to live this life for the rest of mine... I can't. It will destroy my children and me as well.

spring · 10-03-2006, 11:55 AM

It leaves you with the awareness that the rest of your life is, ultimately, yours!! Isn't that marvelous?!!!!!

Peace

newenglandgirl · 02-05-2007, 07:05 AM

oops wrong place

Dolorosa · 02-05-2007, 07:21 AM

Thanks so much for posting that, Spring. That was my problem - the reason I stayed in a horrible, loveless marriage for 12 years. I always thought he would change. He didn't. So I finally left.

embraced2000 · 02-05-2007, 07:40 AM

i just heard this last night from my xah...."you know i'm a great guy down deep inside. i can be a really good guy"

well, yes, you can. but you shouldn't get lollipops everytime you're a "good boy".......

it's not wrong to expect consistant, great behavior from your loved ones, with occasional outbursts of grumpy days.

the little glimmers of the "great potential" keeps us hooked......and then it is our deal....it is about why we choose to continue to wait for the potential to come to the surface. jmho

StandingStrong · 02-05-2007, 03:21 PM

Thanks for bumping up this old post, I'm sure that many can benefit from it.

In reading this again - I had a thought I'd not thought the last time I'd read it.

1) I wouldn't want someone to be with me for my potential - I'd like them to be with me for who I am. I'd never really given that thought before. Hmm......

And here's another thought too:

Some of us may love the potential of another person ----- but isn't it interesting that we allowed our own potential to disappear in the process?
We gave up our potential in loving someone else's potential. Hmmm.......

Of course, we all can change at any given time and still reach our own potential (as I believe we do when we are recoverying), I guess I just know that when XAH and I were together before I started my own recovery, I did give up myself, my self worth, and many things - my own potential included.

Intesting how sometimes when I read something, I can read it again later and come away with something different. Love things that make me think!

InRepair · 02-05-2009, 02:16 PM

Wow.
THis quote just really helped me today. THANK YOU

mtr · 02-10-2009, 01:11 PM

"I kept saying "But I know what a good person he is inside, if he could just be the man I know he could be", ect., ect.,......
My therapist said "It is not wise to base a relationship on loving someone's "potential." We ALL have the potential to be many things. It is WHO we ARE TODAY that needs to be acknowledged. Do you love who he is TODAY?, because that is the only person you can be absolutely sure he is willing to be and that may be who you will be trying to "love" forever."

Dear spring,

Decided to back track and read some older messages...thank you for this message. I use to live in the "potential" world also. What your therapist said makes a lot of sense. I'll never forget it.

mtr

09-30-2006, 06:43 AM	#1 (permalink)
spring Hot Flashes???? Join Date: Sep 2006 Location: bloomington In. Posts: 71	Potential I have been reading all the posts here and am sooo moved by the honesty and rawness of the feelings here. I see a reaccuring theme that reminded me of something a therapist told me years ago. I kept saying "But I know what a good person he is inside, if he could just be the man I know he could be", ect., ect.,...... My therapist said "It is not wise to base a relationship on loving someone's "potential." We ALL have the potential to be many things. It is WHO we ARE TODAY that needs to be acknowledged. Do you love who he is TODAY?, because that is the only person you can be absolutely sure he is willing to be and that may be who you will be trying to "love" forever." WOW. That one paragraph changed my WHOLE life. I have been divorced from him for ten years and he is still, as of yet, hasn't become the person "I knew he could be." Just wanted to share that. Peace. __________________ Joane' "My problem is I forget what I know."

09-30-2006, 06:51 AM	#2 (permalink)
mallowcup Member Join Date: Mar 2005 Location: Lake Luzerne Posts: 1,786	That appies to ourselves as well I have lots of plans of where I want to be and what I want to be doing in 10 years, it doenst matter much if I get hit by a truck this afternoon. My kids will be in their thirties in 10 years. I've had pretty firm plans that went right out the window because of some unforeseen factor. We have to be our best today. Today may be out last. what I say to my kids, may be the last words they ever hear from me. I have sat with many people who are actively dying. I count their respirations and have thought many times how important each breath is. How we take a lifetime of them for granted. I think we should meet each days potential. I hear what you are saying. I also think this applies in days tha thave come and gone. Who we think we' be and who we were are only as impotant as who we are today. I have the abilty to get out of bed every single morning with no memory of yesterday and no obcesssion with the future and I can put my feet on the floor and make the day what ever I choose.

09-30-2006, 06:53 AM	#3 (permalink)
spring Hot Flashes???? Join Date: Sep 2006 Location: bloomington In. Posts: 71	Yes. __________________ Joane' "My problem is I forget what I know."

10-01-2006, 12:04 AM	#8 (permalink)
spring Hot Flashes???? Join Date: Sep 2006 Location: bloomington In. Posts: 71	Your welcome. I thought is was so simple and it rang very true for me too. __________________ Joane' "My problem is I forget what I know."

10-01-2006, 09:54 PM	#10 (permalink)
FormerDoormat Wipe your paws elsewhere! Join Date: Dec 2004 Location: Puppy Heaven Posts: 3,315	Fabulous post, Spring. Thanks for sharing. __________________ "Get busy living or get busy dying." --Shawshank Redemption "Do I want to live while I'm alive and embrace what sustains me or do I want to die while I'm alive and embrace what destroys me?--Geneen Roth "The bare minimum my partner needs to give me is 100%."--Wpgwoman

09-30-2006, 07:05 AM	#4 (permalink)
mallowcup Member Join Date: Mar 2005 Location: Lake Luzerne Posts: 1,786	There seems to be such a history with codependents. We've become the way we are for a reason. We can't change the ast or resolve some of it. We can chuck it, factor it out. Put it in a mental box that we can throw away. I can't do what I need to do and drag that box around. It's full of tax returns that at 14 years old. It's junk. As I chuck my box of junk, I can't drag my husbands box for him either. He wont chuck it. If he did, he wouldn't get away with what he's doing. Truth is, we can all take that box and chuck it into the fire. We can mentally stand there and watch it all become undocumented history. How can you possibly have a happy life when you walk around with 50 years of sticky note reminders plastered all over your forehead?

10-01-2006, 08:14 AM	#9 (permalink)
CatsTail Member Join Date: Oct 2004 Location: nowheresville Posts: 873	Haahhahahahahaha yes that "potential" thing. That would keep me hooked in for so long. They are who they are whether they have "potential" or not. Ngaire

10-02-2006, 03:28 PM	#11 (permalink)
Zoey Member Join Date: May 2004 Location: over yonder Posts: 1,548	Shouldn't this be a sticky? Thank you, spring ! __________________

10-02-2006, 03:47 PM	#12 (permalink)
DesertEyes Starting over Join Date: Jul 2004 Location: Skin city Posts: 2,485	[QUOTE=Zoey]Shouldn't this be a sticky?...QUOTE] Done stickied, I put it under "classic reading" Mike __________________ Sunsets are not endings. If I have enough faith, they are beginnings.

10-02-2006, 06:00 PM	#13 (permalink)
Zoey Member Join Date: May 2004 Location: over yonder Posts: 1,548	Mike, Thank you so much. You do good. Have I told you lately that I am glad you are here?? Well I am glad! __________________

10-03-2006, 09:11 AM	#15 (permalink)
marriedithink Member Join Date: Dec 2005 Location: Concord NH Posts: 158	I didn't even have to think that. My AH did it for me, he even used that line. " I know the man I want to be and the man I could be....but I need your help." __________________ "And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom." -Anais Nin ( Card from my daughter)

10-03-2006, 10:15 AM	#17 (permalink)
marriedithink Member Join Date: Dec 2005 Location: Concord NH Posts: 158	Oh I certainly believed. I can see it now, but I know at the time just as he knew, it was what I wanted to hear. __________________ "And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom." -Anais Nin ( Card from my daughter)

10-03-2006, 11:13 AM	#18 (permalink)
caajcd1425 Member Join Date: Oct 2006 Location: MI Posts: 11	Wow. This rings so true. But where does it leave me now? I don't want to live this life for the rest of mine... I can't. It will destroy my children and me as well.

10-03-2006, 11:55 AM	#19 (permalink)
spring Hot Flashes???? Join Date: Sep 2006 Location: bloomington In. Posts: 71	It leaves you with the awareness that the rest of your life is, ultimately, yours!! Isn't that marvelous?!!!!! Peace __________________ Joane' "My problem is I forget what I know."

02-05-2007, 07:05 AM	#20 (permalink)
newenglandgirl Member Join Date: Dec 2006 Location: By the sea Posts: 415	"If he could just be the man I know he could be..." oops wrong place

02-05-2007, 07:21 AM	#21 (permalink)
Dolorosa Member Join Date: Jan 2007 Location: Ontario Canada Posts: 89	Thanks so much for posting that, Spring. That was my problem - the reason I stayed in a horrible, loveless marriage for 12 years. I always thought he would change. He didn't. So I finally left.

02-05-2007, 07:40 AM	#22 (permalink)
embraced2000 Member Join Date: Oct 2006 Location: southern indiana Posts: 1,917	i just heard this last night from my xah...."you know i'm a great guy down deep inside. i can be a really good guy" well, yes, you can. but you shouldn't get lollipops everytime you're a "good boy"....... it's not wrong to expect consistant, great behavior from your loved ones, with occasional outbursts of grumpy days. the little glimmers of the "great potential" keeps us hooked......and then it is our deal....it is about why we choose to continue to wait for the potential to come to the surface. jmho

02-05-2007, 03:21 PM	#23 (permalink)
StandingStrong Member Join Date: May 2004 Location: In Search of Finding ME! Posts: 1,245	Thanks for bumping up this old post, I'm sure that many can benefit from it. In reading this again - I had a thought I'd not thought the last time I'd read it. 1) I wouldn't want someone to be with me for my potential - I'd like them to be with me for who I am. I'd never really given that thought before. Hmm...... And here's another thought too: Some of us may love the potential of another person ----- but isn't it interesting that we allowed our own potential to disappear in the process? We gave up our potential in loving someone else's potential. Hmmm....... Of course, we all can change at any given time and still reach our own potential (as I believe we do when we are recoverying), I guess I just know that when XAH and I were together before I started my own recovery, I did give up myself, my self worth, and many things - my own potential included. Intesting how sometimes when I read something, I can read it again later and come away with something different. Love things that make me think!

02-05-2009, 02:16 PM	#24 (permalink)
InRepair Member Join Date: Feb 2009 Location: Baltimore, MD Posts: 5	Wow. THis quote just really helped me today. THANK YOU

02-10-2009, 01:11 PM	#25 (permalink)
mtr Member Join Date: Dec 2008 Location: NOVA Posts: 47	"I kept saying "But I know what a good person he is inside, if he could just be the man I know he could be", ect., ect.,...... My therapist said "It is not wise to base a relationship on loving someone's "potential." We ALL have the potential to be many things. It is WHO we ARE TODAY that needs to be acknowledged. Do you love who he is TODAY?, because that is the only person you can be absolutely sure he is willing to be and that may be who you will be trying to "love" forever." Dear spring, Decided to back track and read some older messages...thank you for this message. I use to live in the "potential" world also. What your therapist said makes a lot of sense. I'll never forget it. mtr

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