How to help people in a violent relationship

[DesertEyes]

How to help people in a violent relationship

First, call these numbers:

1-800-799-SAFE (7233)
1-800-787-3224 (TTY)

Second, contact a local shelter.

After you have contacted the 1-800 _and_ a local shelter then review the following:

Create a Safety Plan

Are you planning on staying with your partner?

• Identify things that have worked in the past to keep you safe.

• Think about what has happened in the past and how the abuser has acted.

• Identify clues that indicate when things are about to get violent (i.e.
  
  behavioral – body language, drug/alcohol use, and event driven – paydays, holidays…)

• Identify what you will do if the violence starts again. Can you call the police?
  
  Is there a phone in the house? Can you work out a signal with the children or
  
  neighbors to call the police or get help?

• Explore ways to have dangerous weapons (i.e. guns, hunting knives…) removed from the
  
  house.

• Identify dangerous locations in the house (i.e. the kitchen – knives, hot water,
  
  oven…) and try not to be trapped in them. Install a lock on the inside of the bathroom
  
  or other room where you can be safe.

• Make a routine for going out each day (i.e. walking the dog, taking out the trash…)
  
  Let others know your routine so they will know when something is off.

• Plan an escape route and practice it. Know beforehand where you can go and who you
  
  can call for help. Keep a list of addresses and phone numbers where you can go in
  
  crisis and keep them in a place where the abuser cannot find it.

• If possible get a cell phone, carry it or hide it somewhere that is easily
  
  accessible. Do not tell the abuser about the phone. Be cautious about using a cell
  
  phone that has been given to you by the abuser. Calls made by the phone can be
  
  itemized and accessed by the abuser if their name is on the account, and some phones
  
  are equipped with GPS (Global positioning systems) meaning it may be possible to trace
  
  their location.

Are you planning on leaving your partner?

• What is your plan? How and when can you most safely leave? Do you have
  
  transportation, money and a place to go? What are you waiting for?

• Inform people you trust about your plan and allow them to help you. Consider
  
  alternative plans if you have to leave prior to their scheduled leave date.

• Make sure you have a safe place to go; somewhere where someone is supportive and the
  
  abuser does not know about (shelter, relative, hidden apartment…)

• Who will you tell and not tell about leaving? Who in your support network do you
  
  trust?

• Pack a bag and keep it in an undisclosed but accessible place (either at home, at a
  
  friend or neighbor’s house, or at work) in order to leave quickly.

• How will you travel safely to and from work, or to school to pick up the children?

• Seek legal advice so that you know what they can and cannot do, and what you can and
  
  cannot have (i.e. Can you take the car? Can you take the children to another state?)

• It is important to see your life first and their possessions second.

• If possible, open a bank account or hide money to establish or increase
  
  independence. (i.e. tell the abuser you paid $40 for a coat you bought for $10.)

• Leave money, an extra set of keys, copies of important documents, and extra clothes
  
  with someone you trust so you can leave quickly. Some items you want to consider
  
  having available: birth certificates,social security cards,marriage and driver’s
  
  license,car title,bank account number,credit or ATM cards,savings account
  
  information,lease agreements,house deed,mortgage papers,insurance information and
  
  forms,school and health records,welfare or immigration documents,medications and
  
  prescriptions,divorce papers or other court documents,phone numbers/addresses for
  
  family, friends, and community agencies,clothing and comfort items for them and their
  
  children,extra keys.

Are you living on your own (not with your partner)?

• Change the locks on doors and windows (if the abuser has a key or access to a key.)

• Install a better security system (window bars, locks, better lighting, smoke
  
  detectors, and fire extinguishers.)

• Increase emergency response’s (police, ambulance) ability to find your house (have
  
  large visible street address outside the house.)

• Obtain a PO Box and have all mail sent to it.

• Ensure that the phone company, BGE…does not give out their information.

• Determine the safest way to communicate with the abuser if they must have contact.
  
  If you agree to meet, always do it in a public place (preferably a place with a
  
  security guard or police officer), and it’s best to bring someone else. Make sure you
  
  are not followed home.

• If your partner follows in their car, drive to a police station or fire station and
  
  keep honking the horn.

• Create a safety plan for leaving work. Talk with your supervisor and building
  
  security at work and provide a picture of the abuser if possible. Arrange for a
  
  Domestic Violence presentation at your worksite.

• Teach your children a safety plan, including calling the police or family and
  
  friends if they are taken. (see our Children's Services page for a children's safety
  
  plan)

• Talk to your schools and childcare provider about who has permission to pick up the
  
  children and develop other special provisions to protect the children.

• Inform neighbors and/or landlord of the situation and advise them to call the police
  
  if they see suspicious activity around your house/apartment.

• Use the legal system. Understand the legal system cannot provide total protection.
  
  You must contribute to your own safety. Follow any court orders. If a judge orders
  
  your partner to stay away and not have contact, you should not speak to the abuser if
  
  contacted. Inform the police or judge immediately.

• Keep a journal of harassing phone calls and times you may see your abuser around the
  
  work place or neighborhood. Keep a journal of anything that happens between you, the
  
  abuser, and the children regarding visitation.

• Concentrate on staying safe and don't let your guard down.

Safety Planning around technology issues

• If you are leaving, or making plans to leave, use a public computer (i.e. at a
  
  library), or a work computer where the abuser does not have access.

• Be aware when visiting domestic violence sites on the internet that it’s not
  
  possible to completely erase the history. Likewise, it may raise more questions, if
  
  the history is suddenly blank.

• Be careful with sent or received e-mail on an account that is shared by your abuser.

• Know what features your cell phone is equipped with. Many cell phones now come
  
  standard with GPS (Global positioning satellites) that can be traced.

• Save and/or print any threatening e-mails.

Hotline Services Include:

• Crisis intervention, safety planning, information about domestic violence and
  
  referrals to local service providers

• A direct connection to domestic violence resources available in the caller’s area
  
  provided by a Hotline advocate

• Assistance in both English and Spanish with Hotline advocates having access to more
  
  than 140 different languages through interpreter services