Decision: do I leave or stay? READ THIS BOOK!!!

[prodigal]

Okay, I just happened to come upon this book today while traversing the aisles of Barnes & Nobel. It hit me like a ton of bricks. Beyond mere psychobabble, I think this is THE book to read if you're sitting on the fence and trying to decide whether to stay or go:

"Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay," by Mira Kirshenbaum. Here's a brief overview of what is printed on the back of the book:

"What sins are forgivable and which ones are unpardonable? Is your partner questioning your opinions to the point where you doubt yourself? What is your sex life really like, and how important is it? Is there real love left between you, and how does it stack up against all that you find unloveable?"

Run out and buy it or go to Amazon and order it. I am thoroughly engrossed in this book and it is a godsend for me because I've been teetering on the edge of leaving for waaaayyyyy too long!

[TheMissus]

Sounds really interesting...I think I'm needing some new reading material...read Codependant No More three times now, lol

Thanks for the recommendation, will take a look on Amazon xxx

[mazey]

I LOVED the book. Started it in the spring when we were going thru more trouble, and completed it immediately after the blow up. It was awesome! I was going to recommend it here, but didn't know if I could since it isn't Alcohol related. It is very comprehensive to aspects of life with a partner, and really set some guidelines and the questions were pertinent to "sharing" lives. Really helped me....so glad you found it and brought it here. I think it would be very helpful to many of us! I keep going back to sections, to re-enforce.

[Ayers1995]

Is that the title of it?? It sounds great... but I have a hard time being able to read things ... with AH.

[StandingStrong]

prodigal, as you may recall, ah and I have been seperated about 2 1/2 years now but having read this part of your post:

"What sins are forgivable and which ones are unpardonable? Is your partner questioning your opinions to the point where you doubt yourself? What is your sex life really like, and how important is it? Is there real love left between you, and how does it stack up against all that you find unloveable?"

I'm actually thinking that perhaps the book that you are recommending may also be a helpful tool for those that question if they did the right thing. As well as even use it as a tool for future relationships???
I may actually look into reading this one as it definately sounds interesting.

[mazey]

I think awhile down the road I would still read this book and review what was....and whether I "should" have left or not. But, STanding Strong, after that long, do you still question your separation? I have read your posts and didn't get that feeling. Although, I can see that there may be room for doubt in some situations. Read the book, I think you will gain from it...I think she did a really good job presenting situations.

[TexasGirl]

Originally Posted by SS

I'm actually thinking that perhaps the book that you are recommending may also be a helpful tool for those that question if they did the right thing.

That's exactly what I was thinking, SS. I have definitely had those moments of creeping doubts. I will buy tonight.

[Acushla]

Ok, thanks for this. I just ordered the book and Melodie Beatty books too, which I read decades ago and need to read again, looks like!

[IrshIzNotSmilin]

Originally Posted by prodigal

Okay, I just happened to come upon this book today while traversing the aisles of Barnes & Nobel. It hit me like a ton of bricks. Beyond mere psychobabble, I think this is THE book to read if you're sitting on the fence and trying to decide whether to stay or go:

"Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay," by Mira Kirshenbaum. Here's a brief overview of what is printed on the back of the book:

"What sins are forgivable and which ones are unpardonable? Is your partner questioning your opinions to the point where you doubt yourself? What is your sex life really like, and how important is it? Is there real love left between you, and how does it stack up against all that you find unloveable?"

Run out and buy it or go to Amazon and order it. I am thoroughly engrossed in this book and it is a godsend for me because I've been teetering on the edge of leaving for waaaayyyyy too long!

I must chime in here that i too am on that fence with you. I tried writing a pro and con list. I think this book may be better than my list. Thanks. Also, for those of us feeling like we have no power when the AH gets verbally abusive I would like to also suggest a book but not to hijack. John Bradshaw's book about Shame. When you say prodigal the question Is your partner ?ing your opinions and you doubt yourself? there is a chapter in his book about boundary keeping and he talks about ways to handle these comments so we continue to empower ourselves. Thanks now I have to go back to B&N they are my addiction.LOL

[Acushla]

IrshIzNotSmilin, me too. Is there a website that can help those of us who are addicted to books and art? I need help!

[steady14]

It sounds very instersting and I will get this and read right away.

I'm certainly there sitting on the fence and for those of you who are sitting there too, I'm sure you'll agree it's very uncomfortable. My butt is sore.

[Acushla]

Yup, me too, steady14. Sometimes I think it's made of barbed wire...no matter which way you move, it hurts.

[mtr]

I'm new to recovery and this forum and I was advised to read the "stickys" by fellow memebers. So far all I've read has been an eye opener. I found the book "Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay," by Mira Kirshenbaum, at my local library and I'm looking forward to the reading. I too have been on the fence so I'm hoping this book will give me some defining guidance. I know that I have a long road ahead of me; however, what's ahead has to be better (not easier) than what I'm experiencing as a Provoker now.

[brundle]

Great book...!

[isitme]

I have this book and it's totally eye opening. I would really see it as helping you to see if there is anything worth trying to save the relationship over. You would think with the overwhelming sence of "RUN - NOW - GO.." that it told me, I would have left by now..LOL

There is a website that goes over the 35 basic questions it asks and are the premis of the book. The book itself goes into more depth about each one of course, but these alone may be enough to let you see the answer or at least help you decide if you want to purchase the book.

Turning Point Communications – relationship counselling and coaching – including Life Partner Quest coaching for singles and pre-marriage coaching.

[isitme]

These are a few that really rang true for me.. some additional interpreations from the book have been added..

24. Does your partner do such a good job of conveying the idea that you’re a nut or a jerk or a loser or an idiot about parts of yourself that are important to you that you’ve started to really become demonstrably convinced of it yourself?
Guideline
If your partner is starting to convince you through disrespectful words and action that you’re a nut, or a jerk or a loser or an idiot about parts of yourself that are important to you, then he’s starting to damage the way you see yourself and your entire sense of what you’re able to do. For almost everyone in a relationship where disrespect reach this point, they’re happy when they leave and unhappy if they stay. Quick Take: If someone is starting to cut your legs out from under you, you’ve got to walk out while you still have legs.

25. As you think about your partner’s disrespect, is it clear to you that you do everything possible to limit your contact with your partner, except for times where you absolutely must interact?
Guideline
If your partner is all too often too disrespectful to you and you realize that you do everything possible to limit your contact with your partner, except those times where you absolutely must interact, then the level of disrespect has spoiled the atmosphere of your relationship and you’ll he happy if you leave. Quick Take: The water’s too bad to drink when you find you’ve stopped drinking it.

From the Book-
•Every time you think about something and it occurs to you to share you though with your partner and you don’t, you’re limiting your contact with him.
• Every time you want to ask him a question and you don’t, you’re limiting your contact with him.
• Every time you want to tell him about some small triumph or disaster in your life and you don’t, you’re limiting your contact with him.
• Every time you think of the two of you doing something together and yet don’t even bring it up, you’re limiting your contact with him.
• Every time there’s a real opportunity for some kind of intimacy and you let the opportunity slip past, you’re limiting your contact with him.
• Every time there’s a decision to be made, instead of discussing it with him you just go ahead and make the decision on your own, you’re limiting your contact with him.

If your partner’s disrespect makes you feel so unsafe that you stay away from him in ways like these, then it’s time you gave yourself permission to physically leave a relationship you’ve emotionally left already.

30. Is it likely that, if you have a reasonable need, you and your partner will be able to work out a way for you to get it met without too painful a struggle?

Guideline
If you’ve lost hope that you’ll be able to get a reasonable need met without a too-painful struggle to arrive at a solution, then I feel comfortable saying you’ll be happy if you leave and unhappy if you stay. Quick Take: Frustration, fear, and deprivation are nature’s way of telling you that this relationship is not your home.

From the Book -
1. “I can do whatever I want, Right?” – Unilateral Moves. Someone who constantly makes unilateral moves is typically someone we think of as selfish or immature: “you never think of anyone but yourself.”
2. “ It’s such and ordeal talking about the littlest thing” – Being On the fence, or unclear - The biggie, He’s a dirty Fighter!! When you negotiate something he’ll call you names (soft, weak, lazy) He’ll throw your past in your face, He’ll threaten you, he’ll lie about how little money he has. You can’t negotiate if your afraid of being attacked. Every thing you bring up hooks into the past. Every need you bring up is an occasion for your partner to tell you what’s wrong with you for having that need. What! You want him to help more around the house. That just means that you’re small-minded and obsessive. What! You want her to stop criticizing you so much? That just means you’re weak and defensive and unwilling to grow. And if people like this don’t criticize you for having your need, the criticize you for the way you bring up your need, so that you end up feeling like someone who had terrible timing or who’s terribly insensitive. Or You never do what you say your going to do. For the first little while it is fine.. then it just slips right back into the same old same old.

[Still Waters]

I need to read this. As soon as I have some money I'm going to get it.

[freeflower]

My daughter bought me that book 2 years ago. It sits between my melody beatty books!
After taking the test part of the book, It pretty much said I should go. I didn't at that point. But I knew it was acurate in my case. Very interesting read for sure. Gives you alot to think about if you are sitting on the fence. I did move out 8 months ago.

[GiveLove]

ABEBooks.com has used copies starting at $1.45

[LaTeeDa]

I love AbeBooks. I also love the great used bookstores in my town. And the library.

L

[Still Waters]

I'd never heard of ABEBooks GiveLove, thanks!

[GiveLove]

Books are my D.O.C.

[bookwyrm]

Originally Posted by GiveLove

Books are my D.O.C.

Me too!

I love bookmooch.com for swapping used books. All you pay is the postage for sending out your own books to someone who wants them.

[Rose56]

Thanks all, I am headed to the library for this book tomorrow. I agree, this fence sitting is getting old.

[Gypsy Feet]

Haha, I wonder if anyone else has ever NOT wanted to read the book so they wouldn't be talked out of going!?

I am going. As soon as I have the means, I am out. There are lots of reasons for me to stay, but I want out, and I have for years.