Is it worth it?

Old 05-28-2017, 07:32 AM
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Is it worth it?

This is my first post. My husband has been an alcoholics for a few years but the last 3 / 4 have been teribble.
He just completed a 4 month rehab, came back on Theusday and started drinking on Friday.
I'm floored! Really thought he got it together.
We're in a foreign country, he can now loose his job if this goes on and I'm alone with my two kids.
Why does he do this? He knows whats going to happen. He's got so much support - terapists, meds, etc. So why?
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Old 05-28-2017, 07:45 AM
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Hi, Petat. Welcome.
I hope you will read around this site. There is lots of good info about alcoholism n the stickies posted at the top of the main menu.
If we knew why the drinker drinks despite all the help offered, there would be no need for this site.
Do you have friends or some kind of support?
It's terrible to have to deal with all of this alone.
Hugs.
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Old 05-28-2017, 09:55 AM
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Thanks for the message!
I'm so alone in this, my family are continents away. Have 2 grilfriends that I've told about this, but basically I have to cope alone.
I've read a lot of other posts and nowherr is there a success story... something to say this will work out, keep supporting him and all will be well.
I think the hardest thing is that I've realised that it will never be allright. You have to accept that you will live in this constant fear and stress or you have to make a break.
I need to take care of myself and my kids, I need to find a job and my own home... and that scares me! I can't go back to south africa ... my kids are doing their last years in school and there is no future for them there. Or I can risk it because my family is there.
Just sooo confused and sad today.
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Old 05-28-2017, 01:03 PM
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Nothing has to be decided this minute.
Where do you wan to be in a year, two years, five?
Many on this site have experienced exactly what you have. Some stay with the drinker, some do not.
I can tell you that your kids are likely the most important people in your life right now. What do you want for them?
Children living in an alcoholic household are affected by it, though we would prefer to think they are not.
Unless and until your spouse decides to stop drinking, something he does not seem to want to do, things won't change unless you change them
Have you been to Al-Anon meetings? They are everywhere, and the fellowship can be a powerful source of support for you.
You might also think about ways to forge an independent life for you and your children, whether you stay with your spouse or not.

Last edited by Maudcat; 05-28-2017 at 01:03 PM. Reason: Spelling
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Old 05-29-2017, 01:17 AM
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Thanks for the advice.
I've made an appointment with a child psychologist as I can see it is affecting them a lot. Both are teenagers and they know exactly what is going on. Unfortunately we have to wait till July for an opening but it is booked.
I found the Al Anon group and will definitely go there.
For now I just want some peace and to get away for this stress. Am going to see his therapist in an hour and hopefully they can help as he has to do a 6 month "after care" course with them.
Every suggestion helps and I'm just glad to talk about it.
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Old 05-29-2017, 05:09 AM
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Hello Petat and Welcome!

I am just so sorry you find yourself in this position. I am glad you are seeking help for yourself and your children, as that is where your energy can do the most good right now. Your husband has resources, knows what they are and how to use them if and when he decides to do so.

*Is it worth it?* That is a question only you can decide. I will never tell you what you should or should not do. You will get a lot of information and support here whatever you decide.

*Why does he do this?* Because he is an alcoholic. It is an internal battle that only he can wage using all of those tools. He will get sober only if and when he decides that sobriety is the most important thing. Both active addiction and early recovery are very selfish times for the addicted person. I hope that when he finally decides that sobriety is what he truly wants, he will grab hold of it with both hands and not let go. But that is up to him.

I hope you will take good care of yourself and your children!
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Old 05-29-2017, 09:24 AM
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Thanks Seren.
Is normal to just want to sit in a corner an cry? I've been crying whenever I'm alone and just can't stop.
The councelor said that if he's started drinking again he won't be able to stop by himself, can't do the "after care" because he has to be sober for it and will have to go to a clinic to sober up again.
I told him all of this and he immediately said he won't go to a clinic again. He says he'll stop tomorrow and get it together but we have all heard that before.
I'm frustrated, scared, mad, sad... but keeping it together for my kids.
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Old 05-29-2017, 12:02 PM
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Is it worth it?
Is what worth it?

I've read a lot of other posts and nowherr is there a success story... something to say this will work out, keep supporting him and all will be well.
I think the hardest thing is that I've realised that it will never be allright. You have to accept that you will live in this constant fear and stress or you have to make a break.
I think it helps that you do realize that staying with an active alcoholic who isn't giving their all to recovery is a life filled with anxiety, stress and financial hardship.

I think it helps to understand you do you have choices, you may not like those choices but you do have them and you do not have to live with active alcoholism.
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Old 05-29-2017, 03:59 PM
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Hi Petat...just wanted to let you know that I am in a similar situation. My AH got back from a 30 day treatment center 2 weeks ago and started drinking again within a couple if days. I have been struggling so much about if I should leave or what. Unfortunately I don't have much advice because I am not even sure what I am going to do. But, just wanted to let you know that you are not alone. I posted here a few days ago about my situation and got some very nice replies. It really helped me just to get it all out too. I will be thinking of you...
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Old 05-29-2017, 11:38 PM
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Originally Posted by imaj79 View Post
Hi Petat...just wanted to let you know that I am in a similar situation. My AH got back from a 30 day treatment center 2 weeks ago and started drinking again within a couple if days. I have been struggling so much about if I should leave or what. Unfortunately I don't have much advice because I am not even sure what I am going to do. But, just wanted to let you know that you are not alone. I posted here a few days ago about my situation and got some very nice replies. It really helped me just to get it all out too. I will be thinking of you...
Thanks! I don't have anyone to talk to and just getting it out there already helps.
I suppose the next few days will show me what to do... I actually already know what I would like to do if I were not financially dependant on him. Being in a foreign country doesn't help either. .. it make everything much more difficult. Don't know if I have the strengh for this alone anymore.
Have a therapy appointment next week with my kids and my husband has to contact his councelor latest tomorrow. .. so I'm praying he will.
Good luck to you!
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Old 05-30-2017, 05:25 AM
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Oh, yes, the crying is quite normal...and often healing for us.

One thing that many men don't understand is why women cry when we do. I have a tendency to cry out of grief, loss, deep sorrow...but also when something totally unacceptable is happening and I have no power to change it.

Please know that grief at this stage is quite normal. You have no control over whether this man that you love drinks or not. And his drinking seems an unfathomable decision to you...there is no logic to it! But that is addiction. No logic.

Please take good care of you, because you are worth it, and your actions are the only ones you *can* control.

Sending many hugs!
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