Sphinx0906

Greetings. Thank you for taking the time to read my post. I feel as I have no one to turn to and have many unanswered questions. All in all I am very confused and hurt in this mess. I have been with my AB for 4 years and we have a 2 yr old son together. He is a disabled vet from the Iraqi war where he suffers from PTSD severely. Ever since we started dating i have realized he had a drinking problem and always blamed PTSD as a reason to drink, however, he refuses to get help when offered. He has always chose alcohol over me including the day I was flown to a bigger hospital at 32 wks pg due to preeclampsia ( and i believ it was the stress he was putn on me)..i went thru emergency c section with our son born at almost 4lbs... he chose to go to a bar and follow us until his son was 3 days old. There were other events that happened but my reason for this post is how i feel today. I always ALWAYs looked for him when he drinks which has been majority of this year. His family jus allow it and they live in a town 40 miles from me. He moved out of my house about a month ago. It hurt me so much but I felt much relief as I dont have to deal wit all the emotional and verbal abuse. Jealousy snd control... ever since i started going on a fitness journey where i lost 60 lbs he has gotten very insecure. But ne ways, I dont know how many times I have pulled him out of his drunk stage and sobered him up which lasted a few days in this last few months. He has walked back to his moms forgetting where he parked or thinkn his vehicle is at his moms. Two weeks ago he said he was going to get me and his family lunch and never did but found his car with 8 to go trays from a restuarant inside at 8pm ( the time he walked to his moms house and thot his car was at his moms). But i was fed up with his family bcuz they refuse to put their foot down. They allow him to do this and drive around drunk. Last week I tried to get him out of his drunk stage but he jus cussed me out in public... smh...he lies to his family to make me look bad.. his dad allowed him to drive off drunk that day smh.. his texts at all hours have been nothing but mean and awful to where u wonder how he was raised... disrespecting me to the max.. waking up to as many as 29 text messages of awful things... so friday i jus had it wit him. I found him in a parking lot passed out with his car running at 12noon.. i cried and jus watched him bcuz i felt so sorry for him.. it took a lot for me to report him in. I watched from a distant and saw him all the action with the cops. I watched him fail his sobriety tests and he blew at .26 on his BAC. They confiscated two rifles from him. He almost hit another vehicle when the cops showed up bcuz he was trying to drive backwards . But as i was leaving the area a few blocks away i saw his mom drive up and she saw me. Now he is in a mess. He and his family are now blaming me. He wont even talk to me and he is angry at me. They are saying I reported him but i denied it. His family are more worried about who told on him. I feel bad but then again i aslo think if i opened his car door to wake him up then right now he wud still be drinking again. I dont understand why he is so angry at me to a point where hes telln me to leave him alone and im single now... blah blah blah... i guess im so confused bcuz i was always here for him and i was always tryna help him and wanted him to get better. I felt this was it for him when i saw him passed out. Im so hurt and i dont even want to being our son around to him eap the way hes treated me and treating me now. I am having a hard time understanding this. I worked full time and have to always make sure my kids are safe.. it has come to a point where i am alone in all this as far as bills and being the mom and dad to my kids. I am so sad today because i feel i am to blame ... he told me thank u for making me worthless but how is that possible?? I mean i dont run off and betray my family.. please help me someone.

Maudcat

Hi, Sphinx. Welcome to SR.
Sounds like a mess, alright.
Take a breath. You and your child are safe. Do you have family or other sources of support to which you can turn?
Alcoholic use disorder is really a hard thing for family to cope with. I would learn as much about it as possible.
In learning, you may come to see that you can't change or control your SO's behavior. If caring for someone could bring about recovery, we would all be much happier.
I recommend you read around the "stickies" on this site. Lots of good information about coping with this dreadful disease. I would also recommend you get to Al-Anon meetings. It is a great, supportive fellowship of people who have had experiences similar to yours.
Good luck. Good thoughts to you.

AnvilheadII

goodness, driving blind ass drunk with two rifles????

you are not to blame. you did the right thing. he is a danger to himself AND others. his drinking was and still is out of control. yes the PTSD comes into play, but there are other ways to deal besides drinking.

ANYONE with 3 DUIs should be off the roads permanently, IMHO. he almost HIT another car while you watched, lord knows how many other near misses there were.

you did the right thing. your child needs to be safe. and your ABF is NOT safe. i know this is hard but doing the right thing often is.

please take care of yourself. don't believe a word he or they say about you. HE is responsible for HIS behavior. and the consequences.

PuzzledHeart

I'm going to thank you for taking the courage needed to save lives. This guy was a danger to the road. It doesn't matter how many years of military service he had under his belt. With a BAC of .26 and two rifles, who knows what he was capable of.

If you had continued to live with him the way he is now, and he started turning his abuse on your kids, YOU would have gotten in trouble. Not his mom. Not his dad. YOU. YOUR judgment would be in question. Because you would have been letting a drunk live with your kids. So his mom and dad can talk all they want, because they're not going to be subject to the judgment you would face if he harmed your children.

I'm actually not surprised that his family is acting this way. I'm not surprised that he's angry. Of course he's angry! In his head, you are in the way between him and his comforting delusion that he has this alcohol problem completely under control. He doesn't see you trying to solve the problem. The problem FOR HIM is that you embarrassed him, when the REAL problem is that his brain is so severely soaked in the sauce that he can't think rationally. Don't let his alcoholic brain influence your own.

As for his parents and family, you will find out when you read the stories posted here on SR that denial is a very typical reaction. It's way easier to play the blame game rather than admit that your child has a drinking problem. It's like placing a bandaid over a gushing would - it's easier to do and it'll cover it up for a while but what you really need to do is the more difficult task of stitching. Stitching is painful but gets the job done. With bandaids the blood eventually seeps out.

That said, HE needs to make the decision to stop this madness. You've done him a favor. You gave him a consequence. You gave him the truth that his alcoholism is damaging the relationship he has with his wife and his kids.

You've done enough for him. What have you done for yourself lately? Do you have people in your life that have your back?

atalose

You don't cause him to drink you can't cure his drinking and most importantly you can't control it. Your attempts to control it by pushing help on him, searching for him, etc. backfire on you as you are witnessing today.

I would detach from him and his family put a lot of distance there. He is in no condition to be a father right now and as you said it's your job to keep your child safe. Don't let the child become a pawn in his or his families ill-thinking alcohol dysfunction.

Maybe file for a legal separation and begin a paper trail.

Being a vet he knows there is help for him if he chooses it and so far he's not made that choice and it's not looking like he will anytime soon. He and his family are stuck in the blame game because blame is far easier then actually seeking help.

Don't play into the drama, you do not need to defend yourself against irrational people, take the high road and do what is in the best interest of your children and yourself NOT what's best for him.

Sphinx0906

Thank you so much for your responses on my post. Its been a hectic week for me struggling with confusion, hurt, heartache, and depression. Monday was a bad day because that was the day his family said what they had to say. I remembered everything from this post and all your responses. I have to be strong and today was his prelim examination court which i decided to not attend even tho I was available to go but instead I went to see my therapist whom I hadnt seen in 6 months. I am so glad I went to see her bcuz I felt a sense of relief. I really dont know which direction all this will turn but I do know theres still a lot of anger and blame from him and his family. Jus knowing that only makes me think that it prbly wont get better and wont help him understand his mistakes. I think his family will always enable him no matter what. So with that I have to do what is best for me and my son. They mentioned I am using my son against them by not allowing them to see my son. In my mind I feel its not safe and with all the horrible treatment they give me, I have no reason to be nice. Thank you.