Turtlegal

This is a long story, as they all are. But, I allowed my 23 year old son to come live with my new husband and I this January. He has violated his probation twice already, and they let him out this last time for drug court at the end of January 2017. I told him he had three months to get on his feet. At the end of week 5 (this last Thursday), he was arrested. He had a job, and was going to classes. However, he was using this last week (as soon as he got money), and I knew it. But of course, I thought maybe I was wrong. So, I showed up to drug court. Basically he was taken into custody, for missed UA's and most likely a positive UA as they did test him when he got to court. He was angry that I had even showed up.

He called me from jail and all he wanted me to do was to get his car. Of course, I ended up doing it. But I told him he could no longer live here. My husband and I put all his things in his car, and I will let him have it if he gets out on Thursday. He was arrested on Thursday (February 23). He tried to "downplay" it, and said " I just relapsed", etc. I have described these moments as "fight or flight". He is just manipulating me to try and get what he wants.

I feel like I have been used and manipulated this entire time. He doesn't respect me. This is the hardest thing I have every done. I told him yesterday when he called that I had gotten his car, and that on Thursday I would drive it nearby and leave the keys somewhere so he could get it. Then I told him he could call me Wednesday to make plans on where to leave it. Anyway, he has been calling me from jail all day. This is the first time that I have decided I am not going to answer it. He has to see I am serious. Why should I be the one suffering. I have suffered enough. I know I am just venting here, and I am sure that he is suffering too, but I cannot do this anymore. It is ripping me apart.

Everything that I have read about addiction says I am now doing the right thing. I have to let go and let him be accountable. He got himself here, he has to get himself out. But it is so hard. I have to stay strong to not give in and answer the phone. I know it will turn into him verbally attacking me possibly, or asking for me to do something, or say sorry, etc. It will make him feel better, but it will make me feel worse.

I appreciate any feedback.

Maudcat

You are doing the right thing. Hard, I know. But he will manipulate you and use you for as long as you let him. It's not personal. It's what addicts do. Peace to you.

copperpenny

Tutlegal, right there with you in the same situation. Stay strong.

suki44883

I am so sorry you are going through this, but...you are doing the right thing. If someone is there to cushion his fall every time, then he will never feel the full consequences of his actions.

You have done all you can for him. It is time for him to figure out how to take care of himself. Detachment with love...you can still love him, just no longer have a front row seat to his drama. My heart goes out to you. I know how very difficult this is for you. (((HUGS)))

CherryVanilla

You and your son will be in my thoughts and prayers. My son I also in his 20s.

Morning Glory

Hi Turtlegal,

I'm so sorry you and your son are living with addiction. It is very hard on us.
It sounds like you have a good plan. I know I put my son out many times and sent him on his way. It's never easy. It takes a lot of practice. We naturally want to protect our kids and we have to make choices that seem to go against that instinct.
I pray your son stays safe. Lots of hugs.

PhoenixJ

Support and empathy to you .

Turtlegal

Thank you everyone. It is good to hear that others believe I am doing the right thing as well. I know it shouldn't matter, but sometimes to hear that from those that are not "involved" makes it more "believable". I know that doesn't really make sense, but it is how I feel.

least

Yes, you're doing the right thing. It's hard to detach but it's necessary for them to realize the consequences of their actions. Stay strong.

AnvilheadII

you actually have a very good grasp of the situation! you can see thru his manipulations, his BS. you laid down boundaries, and he violated them. and got himself arrested to boot.

he wants to be a Big Boy and rip and run and play Big Boy games. so now it's time to LET HIM. they don't call it Tough Love for nothing...because it is TOUGH to love someone enough to let them find their own way and not be disrespected and abused.