The note
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: WI
Posts: 1,426
The note
Dear SR...
Us moms sure go through a lot of pain to help our children before we figure out that it is us that needs support and care, just as much as our children do.
Remember me? I have two young addicted daughters, now 22 and 25, this is what I journaled last night about the younger one,
As I sat in my parent support meeting tonight, I am quite aware that I stop breathing a lot, my thoughts stray to my daughter...will she make it this time?
I'm listening and giving support to my new friend, her son, helplessly in the spiral of opiate addiction. She is crying, she feels guilty, she can't eat or sleep or think, very much in a state as I was.
I hugged her tightly and tell her to breathe, she's sobbing, she wants her son back. I'm holding my breath again, wondering about my daughter, so newly sober, I miss her, I miss her voice I miss her laugh, I can't bare to enter her bedroom, the memories rip my heart apart.
I hug my new friend again and gently tell her not to do the things I've done (codependcy, enabling, rescuing on and on) but to take care of herself and that she's not to blame herself. Barely smiling back at me, she asks if she can call me, especially when she cries, I say of course you can.
I'm still aching for my daughter, worrying, wondering and holding my breath. My daughter just finished a 60 day inpatient rehab (her 5th) and is now living in a sober living home with 6 other recovering heroin addicts. We have little contact, per the program she's working and she cannot come home unless she is with her therapist or her sponsor, she's fragile, 100plus days sober and that "trigger" finger could pull at any second. Ok, I'll respect her program and work on me.
Anyway, after the meeting, as I walk to the truck, I notice something on my windshield, I'm holding my breath, please don't be a ticket. It's a piece of paper, a note, this is what it said:
Hi mom!
I love you and miss you! Hope you had a good meeting!
And she signed her name and drew a heart.
I got in the truck and let the tears flow, I cried happy tears and I started to breathe again.
She's over 100 days sober now, her simple words comforted me that she's happy and she's smiling again.
I'm going to tell my friend that hope lives and that I believe it will last, at least for today!
Thanks SR for all my rants and for the excellent support you have given to me and all the other mommas who believe in hope.
TF
Us moms sure go through a lot of pain to help our children before we figure out that it is us that needs support and care, just as much as our children do.
Remember me? I have two young addicted daughters, now 22 and 25, this is what I journaled last night about the younger one,
As I sat in my parent support meeting tonight, I am quite aware that I stop breathing a lot, my thoughts stray to my daughter...will she make it this time?
I'm listening and giving support to my new friend, her son, helplessly in the spiral of opiate addiction. She is crying, she feels guilty, she can't eat or sleep or think, very much in a state as I was.
I hugged her tightly and tell her to breathe, she's sobbing, she wants her son back. I'm holding my breath again, wondering about my daughter, so newly sober, I miss her, I miss her voice I miss her laugh, I can't bare to enter her bedroom, the memories rip my heart apart.
I hug my new friend again and gently tell her not to do the things I've done (codependcy, enabling, rescuing on and on) but to take care of herself and that she's not to blame herself. Barely smiling back at me, she asks if she can call me, especially when she cries, I say of course you can.
I'm still aching for my daughter, worrying, wondering and holding my breath. My daughter just finished a 60 day inpatient rehab (her 5th) and is now living in a sober living home with 6 other recovering heroin addicts. We have little contact, per the program she's working and she cannot come home unless she is with her therapist or her sponsor, she's fragile, 100plus days sober and that "trigger" finger could pull at any second. Ok, I'll respect her program and work on me.
Anyway, after the meeting, as I walk to the truck, I notice something on my windshield, I'm holding my breath, please don't be a ticket. It's a piece of paper, a note, this is what it said:
Hi mom!
I love you and miss you! Hope you had a good meeting!
And she signed her name and drew a heart.
I got in the truck and let the tears flow, I cried happy tears and I started to breathe again.
She's over 100 days sober now, her simple words comforted me that she's happy and she's smiling again.
I'm going to tell my friend that hope lives and that I believe it will last, at least for today!
Thanks SR for all my rants and for the excellent support you have given to me and all the other mommas who believe in hope.
TF
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,518
TF - I'm so glad to see you. 
I can imagine how much that simple note meant to you. The relief - and the hope you must have felt as you read those words. I pray your family will mend and heal.
I can imagine how much that simple note meant to you. The relief - and the hope you must have felt as you read those words. I pray your family will mend and heal.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: WI
Posts: 1,426
Dear Seren and all my support friends,
I'm still breathing, for which I am grateful.
My daughter remains sober, for which I am grateful too.
I had the "note" framed. I thought that was a good thing to do.
I look at it every morning, I touch it thru the glass and I feel the smile return to
my face. The smile reminds me of what Ann said once, that "we are good moms...we just happen to have children who have bad diseases". That alone
calms the raging fire of blame within me.
I'm not going to wait for the ball to drop or for the relaspe to to reappear.
I'm going to breath and be grateful that at this particular moment, she
is sober and she has a plan and she is respecting her sobriety. This feeling
and fact is something I've waited and prayed for, waited and waited for.
Never giving up hope, even when all hope seemed to have left my life and in
it's place, the dreaded mental illness had taken over...but she was in there
clawing and wanting a way to find her way out, wanting it so badly, that the
sickness gave way and my daughter emerged
and I could breath
again, of course with the support of trusted friends who believed
in hope and didn't give up on our HP.
Today, she is sober, 100 days plus. Yes I'm grateful and yes, I'm very proud of
her great accomplishment!
and yes....
I'm not going to worry about tomorrow or obscess about yesterday, but ...today...is
a good hope filled day. Sobriety looks good on my RAD!
TF
I'm still breathing, for which I am grateful.
My daughter remains sober, for which I am grateful too.
I had the "note" framed. I thought that was a good thing to do.
I look at it every morning, I touch it thru the glass and I feel the smile return to
my face. The smile reminds me of what Ann said once, that "we are good moms...we just happen to have children who have bad diseases". That alone
calms the raging fire of blame within me.
I'm not going to wait for the ball to drop or for the relaspe to to reappear.
I'm going to breath and be grateful that at this particular moment, she
is sober and she has a plan and she is respecting her sobriety. This feeling
and fact is something I've waited and prayed for, waited and waited for.
Never giving up hope, even when all hope seemed to have left my life and in
it's place, the dreaded mental illness had taken over...but she was in there
clawing and wanting a way to find her way out, wanting it so badly, that the
sickness gave way and my daughter emerged
and I could breath again, of course with the support of trusted friends who believed
in hope and didn't give up on our HP.
Today, she is sober, 100 days plus. Yes I'm grateful and yes, I'm very proud of
her great accomplishment!
and yes....I'm not going to worry about tomorrow or obscess about yesterday, but ...today...is
a good hope filled day. Sobriety looks good on my RAD!
TF
Member
Join Date: Feb 2016
Posts: 167
Twofour, congrats for the ray of sunshine!!!! us moms deserve one now and again.............I use to be twofour and we spoke often. I also have two adult sons in rehab currently. I love what she did for you 100 days is a good feeling for today. Please take care of you and so wonderful to hear from you again I pray for that moment , my one son has almost 9 months and other has relapsed 7 times and is on his 60 day mark. I pray a lot and also glad I keep breathing!!!!
Thank you for sharing a nice story...................................
Thank you for sharing a nice story...................................
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: WI
Posts: 1,426
Hi everyone!
Just an update on my younger daughter...
She continues to survive this disease in the sober living house, her
meetings, (3/day!) her work, STEP sober living work, 10 hrs/day, 4 days/week
and now she attends IOP 3 evenings a week. Sure a huge difference from
sleeping all day and partying all night, or listening to her bipolar talk
or how shi$$y of a mom I am, a complete change from last November.
She called me today, she was waiting outside the IOP facility. She was out of her
SSRI meds and asked if I could bring her the meds she had left at home.
I jumped at the opportunity to see her, to see that smile, to hug her...
She looked good, better than I've seen in years...then I felt a bit guilty...
Why couldn't "I" fix her, help her, rescue her? This is definitely a family disease
then I snapped out of it and realized I couldn't fix her, only she could, and
every time I tried to fix her, I turned into that doormat. So, I fixed myself.
And that's not easy to do...I have to work on it every single day, like my
daughter, I have to work on this enabling and codependency.
That's a very tricky to do. I do
it anyway, thru the tears and guilt and yurning for the "yesterday's", the
family, the fun. I have to change and work on myself. Which is hard to do
after 50 yrs of a life that's not coming back.
Anyway, I'm good.. My RAD is great, my other daughter is another story, my
son, someone asked about, will be entering the Navy in June, lots going on
in this mommas life, and I'm still breathing! And I'm still have hope that
her sobriety continues to grow stronger!
Again, Jaeger, Hevyn...I love you all! Never will I forget how SR
has supported this mom
TF
Just an update on my younger daughter...
She continues to survive this disease in the sober living house, her
meetings, (3/day!) her work, STEP sober living work, 10 hrs/day, 4 days/week
and now she attends IOP 3 evenings a week. Sure a huge difference from
sleeping all day and partying all night, or listening to her bipolar talk
or how shi$$y of a mom I am, a complete change from last November.
She called me today, she was waiting outside the IOP facility. She was out of her
SSRI meds and asked if I could bring her the meds she had left at home.
I jumped at the opportunity to see her, to see that smile, to hug her...
She looked good, better than I've seen in years...then I felt a bit guilty...
Why couldn't "I" fix her, help her, rescue her? This is definitely a family disease
then I snapped out of it and realized I couldn't fix her, only she could, and
every time I tried to fix her, I turned into that doormat. So, I fixed myself.
And that's not easy to do...I have to work on it every single day, like my
daughter, I have to work on this enabling and codependency.
That's a very tricky to do. I do
it anyway, thru the tears and guilt and yurning for the "yesterday's", the
family, the fun. I have to change and work on myself. Which is hard to do
after 50 yrs of a life that's not coming back.
Anyway, I'm good.. My RAD is great, my other daughter is another story, my
son, someone asked about, will be entering the Navy in June, lots going on
in this mommas life, and I'm still breathing! And I'm still have hope that
her sobriety continues to grow stronger!
Again, Jaeger, Hevyn...I love you all! Never will I forget how SR
has supported this mom
TF
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: New York
Posts: 35,731
Twofish, you sound so good! Oh that note your daughter left touched this Mom's heart. I think of you often as well. I pray your family heals, and finds peace and happiness.
You're one awesome woman, and such a loving Mom.
Wish I could give you a great big hug! 
You're one awesome woman, and such a loving Mom.
Wish I could give you a great big hug!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: WI
Posts: 1,426
Hey Mommas,
I saw her this weekend...so much like before addiction, she looked so good.
She was promoted to a line supervisor, at STEP, a recovery place that she works at. So happy for her and hopeful that her sobriety will live.
But she seems different. Not so cruel not mean at all. She smiles and talks positively. But I want to be alone with her, but she can't,
I'm the trigger.
I wish I would of listened to SR years ago....trying to save or rescue or trust a kid in active addiction caused damage to both her and myself.
All the years of pain that the addiction caused and all the enabling I did (I couldn't help myself...I was afraid she would die) still lives in our brains.
Don't get me wrong...I'm hugely grateful, but remembering and living in the past has to stop.
I sometimes find myself alone, remembering how she was before addiction...how can a mom not? As her recovery gets stronger, my daughter changes and I'm not part of that change.
Addiction hurts everyone. Her active addiction almost killed her and me, and now recovery....She used to be mine...and now she is gone and is her own woman. Maybe, I need to let go, let her fly and be free and be working her own program. And I need to work on me, accept this recovering daughter, as she is. Get myself a hobby, keep busy and NOT wait for a relaspe to come knocking at my door.
Ok, I got that out of my brain, I'm breathing, grateful and I have hope for all our children. Hope lives, recovery happens and life goes on.
Love to the mommas,
TF
I saw her this weekend...so much like before addiction, she looked so good.
She was promoted to a line supervisor, at STEP, a recovery place that she works at. So happy for her and hopeful that her sobriety will live.
But she seems different. Not so cruel not mean at all. She smiles and talks positively. But I want to be alone with her, but she can't,
I'm the trigger.
I wish I would of listened to SR years ago....trying to save or rescue or trust a kid in active addiction caused damage to both her and myself.
All the years of pain that the addiction caused and all the enabling I did (I couldn't help myself...I was afraid she would die) still lives in our brains.
Don't get me wrong...I'm hugely grateful, but remembering and living in the past has to stop.
I sometimes find myself alone, remembering how she was before addiction...how can a mom not? As her recovery gets stronger, my daughter changes and I'm not part of that change.
Addiction hurts everyone. Her active addiction almost killed her and me, and now recovery....She used to be mine...and now she is gone and is her own woman. Maybe, I need to let go, let her fly and be free and be working her own program. And I need to work on me, accept this recovering daughter, as she is. Get myself a hobby, keep busy and NOT wait for a relaspe to come knocking at my door.
Ok, I got that out of my brain, I'm breathing, grateful and I have hope for all our children. Hope lives, recovery happens and life goes on.
Love to the mommas,
TF
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: WI
Posts: 1,426
Hey mommas! 
Just an update...my daughter is still respecting her recovery plan, she smiles and she seems happy. I see her once a week.
She asked me, that in her IOP group, that they needed to find someone close
to her, to write a letter on how addiction has affected their lives, so who did she ask? ME! I wrote the letter, 3 pages. I let it all out. The fears, the tears the lack of trust but also how proud I am of her and her recovery plan. I miss her, but I don't miss the drama and fear. I did cry when I wrote it,
I suppose I was reflecting back on what addiction has done to this family. But I'm ok, I'm breathing and my heart is full of HOPE for her. I'll never give up that precious tool called hope.
Thank you for those who read this thread, I'm staying positive and I truly appreciate all the kind and helpful members of SR who have helped me thru this journey, it will be a lifelong journey. Recovery can happen, her recovery plan is WORKING,
Love to all the parents, prayers that your hope lives and the pain will be short
. .
TF
Just an update...my daughter is still respecting her recovery plan, she smiles and she seems happy. I see her once a week.
She asked me, that in her IOP group, that they needed to find someone close
to her, to write a letter on how addiction has affected their lives, so who did she ask? ME! I wrote the letter, 3 pages. I let it all out. The fears, the tears the lack of trust but also how proud I am of her and her recovery plan. I miss her, but I don't miss the drama and fear. I did cry when I wrote it,
I suppose I was reflecting back on what addiction has done to this family. But I'm ok, I'm breathing and my heart is full of HOPE for her. I'll never give up that precious tool called hope.Thank you for those who read this thread, I'm staying positive and I truly appreciate all the kind and helpful members of SR who have helped me thru this journey, it will be a lifelong journey. Recovery can happen, her recovery plan is WORKING,
Love to all the parents, prayers that your hope lives and the pain will be short
. .TF
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