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-   -   How I've Combatted Codependency (https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/family-members-addicts-alcoholics-parents-sons-daughters-siblings/404330-how-ive-combatted-codependency.html)

hope778 02-04-2017 05:19 AM

How I've Combatted Codependency
 
Things I've done to combat codependency are:

Nights when he was gone - praying out loud and intentionally to hand him over to my higher power who I call God... and then focusing on what I needed to do for the night.

Counseling - free counseling through my church - they were not specialized in addiction, but taking this leap was crucial to my recovery. Trusting and applying their advice to my situation while knowing I had their backing was huge.

AlAnon

Joining a small group at my church to get out of isolation

Setting a boundary - if you use, you can't live here - and sticking to it. Kicking him out was the hardest thing I've ever done.

Very little contact while he was out of the house during that period of time

When family asked how/what AH was doing, I finally said, "ask him. Here's his new number." Stopped hiding him and covering up for him myself.

Stopped engaging in drug related confrontation. Stopped feeding into his victimization.

I'm sure there's more I'm not thinking of right now. Any more that y'all can contribute?

Maudcat 02-04-2017 05:46 AM

All right! All good suggestions. Addiction thrives on secrecy. When we stop pretending, things become clearer. Good for you, hope.

Anaya 02-14-2017 12:53 AM

Thanks for the share, Hope. Your strength shines through and you inspire.

greeteachday 02-15-2017 08:40 AM

Those are great! One other I found was helpful was shifting focus back (or maybe for the first time) to me. I didn't understand initially why there were suggestions to do something nice for myself. It seemed sort of trivial to take a bubble bath when my world was collapsing around me. But as I progressed I learned that taking time for little things helped me reshape how I thought and learn to live again. My world did not have to be all about addiction. That helped me to stop living through others and being so emotionally dependent on them, which was a big part of my codependency

Petat 05-28-2017 12:58 PM

I agree and understand all of this but one question : I tried to set the boundary and told my husband no drinking/alcohol allowed in my home especially while we have kids - he just hides it and tells me to leave as it is his home!
Hiw xan you set boundaries for an alcoholic? He's just going to ignore it!

splendra 07-09-2017 12:56 PM


Originally Posted by Petat (Post 6475627)
I agree and understand all of this but one question : I tried to set the boundary and told my husband no drinking/alcohol allowed in my home especially while we have kids - he just hides it and tells me to leave as it is his home!
Hiw xan you set boundaries for an alcoholic? He's just going to ignore it!

Who pays the bills at the home?

splendra 07-09-2017 01:04 PM


Originally Posted by Petat (Post 6475627)
I agree and understand all of this but one question : I tried to set the boundary and told my husband no drinking/alcohol allowed in my home especially while we have kids - he just hides it and tells me to leave as it is his home!
Hiw xan you set boundaries for an alcoholic? He's just going to ignore it!

If your A is paying the bills at your home he may feel he has a right to do what he wants.
Setting boundaries is for you not him. If he is doing something you don't like you might have to be the one who goes somewhere else.
We can't control them. We can only control what we do. It can be difficult to get this boundary thing. They only work when we use them to control what we do not what the A in our life does.

splendra 07-09-2017 01:11 PM


Originally Posted by Petat (Post 6475627)
I agree and understand all of this but one question : I tried to set the boundary and told my husband no drinking/alcohol allowed in my home especially while we have kids - he just hides it and tells me to leave as it is his home!
Hiw xan you set boundaries for an alcoholic? He's just going to ignore it!

If your A is paying the bills at your home he may feel he has a right to do what he wants.
Setting boundaries is for you not him. If he is doing something you don't like you might have to be the one who goes somewhere else.
We can't control them. We can only control what we do. It can be difficult to get this boundary thing. They only work when we use them to control what we do not what the A in our life does.

Anaya 07-16-2017 06:34 AM

Thanks for your share, Splendra.

You hit the nail on the head with, "Setting boundaries is for you not him."

On my journey as a "codie" and learning through others here on SR of the importance of setting and keeping boundaries: Initially, I did not "get it" - didn't get the concept.

Over time, with practice and staying the course, I benefitted from doing so. A big plus to me was that I became stronger, more confident and focused on making my life safer, more sane and healthier. :)

Matt5150 08-20-2017 04:52 PM

But what if you want the relationship with the person? What I mean is my ex is in rehab. I wanna Do what I can to help her. I'm angry with her and I have some resentment but it doesn't stand in the way of loving the woman. I can't wait till she succeeds and I get to experience the sober woman I fell in love with. I keep getting told to leave her alone and forget about reconciliation. I refuse to accept that.


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