For the parents...daily support thread
Member
Join Date: Aug 2008
Posts: 37
Complete horror story for my 25 year old son. He's in jail right now, one of many times, this time in a different state, 1,000 miles away from me.
Facing a possible sentence of 5-16 years in PRISON.
Ten years of drinking, drugging, prostituting, panhandling, homelessness, recovery, then back to what he knows.
Too exhausted with it all to go into more detail. but it sure is an entirely different ballgame when it's your child who is doing this, so my heart truly goes out to all of us who are suffering in this way.
Strength and courage.....
Facing a possible sentence of 5-16 years in PRISON.
Ten years of drinking, drugging, prostituting, panhandling, homelessness, recovery, then back to what he knows.
Too exhausted with it all to go into more detail. but it sure is an entirely different ballgame when it's your child who is doing this, so my heart truly goes out to all of us who are suffering in this way.
Strength and courage.....
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Blackgnat, I'm just so sorry to hear about your son!!
My stepson has been in county jails mostly, but did a very short stint in prison. It's funny how I was always somewhat relieved when my stepson was in custoday because at least he wasn't 'running and gunning'.
I'm sure you must be exhausted and fearful over what information the next phone call will bring. Sending you and yours strength!
My stepson has been in county jails mostly, but did a very short stint in prison. It's funny how I was always somewhat relieved when my stepson was in custoday because at least he wasn't 'running and gunning'.
I'm sure you must be exhausted and fearful over what information the next phone call will bring. Sending you and yours strength!
happy, joyous an free!
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: northeast
Posts: 693
Suspicions - but I keep hearing on SR go with your guts. It looks like I may have to tell my son to leave our home. This will mean taking away my granddaughter's refuge from the insanity but I can't do this any more.
We pick up and drop off my beautiful girl at her mother's every week. She is a mentally ill heroin addict on methadone. Lately she hasn't looked well and I think she's gone back out. Lives with her parents, mom extreme enabler dad an addict. The only reason she is on methadone is because I spent thousands of dollars in court trying to protect the little one.
The only reason mom has primary now is because my son was lying about his own addiction and got in serious trouble and lost primary. He went into IOP and recovery went well for about 7 months. Then emergency surgery and he's back on the merry go round. I believe.
So tonight mom picked up little one and AS to check out a class for her at the Y. That was 4 hours ago. Because of my son's total lack of recovery actions lately and now spending time with XAGF….. really does not look good. It also is not the first time in the last month they have had time together which just doesn't fit. He has no money. She does because when she lived here I pushed her to file and get SSDI. She definitely qualifies.
I am out of fight. It's all used up. The two of them have used and abused me for far too long. 6 years in this insanity, 5 believing it was only her with a problem and that my son was the responsible one. He hid it good. In retrospect my denial contributed. But I am done. I need peace in my life. I need to be well.
It doesn't matter what story he tells when they get back. There is only one reason he would want to spend time with his X. I can only pray for all of them and hope my grand baby keeps the tools I have been trying to teach her to cope. Choose to be happy, kids play, grown ups take care of kids, talk to me, sing songs, and mostly she has been praying and loves Jesus already.
Lord guide me now. The how to do this isn't clear yet but, I am done.
We pick up and drop off my beautiful girl at her mother's every week. She is a mentally ill heroin addict on methadone. Lately she hasn't looked well and I think she's gone back out. Lives with her parents, mom extreme enabler dad an addict. The only reason she is on methadone is because I spent thousands of dollars in court trying to protect the little one.
The only reason mom has primary now is because my son was lying about his own addiction and got in serious trouble and lost primary. He went into IOP and recovery went well for about 7 months. Then emergency surgery and he's back on the merry go round. I believe.
So tonight mom picked up little one and AS to check out a class for her at the Y. That was 4 hours ago. Because of my son's total lack of recovery actions lately and now spending time with XAGF….. really does not look good. It also is not the first time in the last month they have had time together which just doesn't fit. He has no money. She does because when she lived here I pushed her to file and get SSDI. She definitely qualifies.
I am out of fight. It's all used up. The two of them have used and abused me for far too long. 6 years in this insanity, 5 believing it was only her with a problem and that my son was the responsible one. He hid it good. In retrospect my denial contributed. But I am done. I need peace in my life. I need to be well.
It doesn't matter what story he tells when they get back. There is only one reason he would want to spend time with his X. I can only pray for all of them and hope my grand baby keeps the tools I have been trying to teach her to cope. Choose to be happy, kids play, grown ups take care of kids, talk to me, sing songs, and mostly she has been praying and loves Jesus already.
Lord guide me now. The how to do this isn't clear yet but, I am done.
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Lovenjoy.....You have tools for your recovery, I beg you to use them before you, too, are lost!
I'm oh so sorry about your son, but please do not sacrifice yourself on the altar of someone else's addiction.
Perhaps consider contacting Child Protective Services about your granddaughter.
Sending you prayers and good thoughts for peace and rest tonight.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Illinois
Posts: 57
Thanks
My 21 As just came home from 28 inpatient. I also have a 24 y.o son living w/us. It is pure hell. My As sits all day on the computer, and chain smokes (outside) and then leaves the house in the pm and comes back early am hours. he staying in guest room right across our room. He passes out and leaves all the lights on and cooks food at 3 or 4 in am. My 24 acts like a "dad" to him and yells at him to get a life, etc. I just got a job offer and start Monday, thank God, now I can leave the house. But, I want them both gone!! I hate being at home. How can I get them out of our house? Why did I agree to have 21 y.o. come home. I made such a mistake, but what are parents' supposed to do?
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Hello Enabler1....
Ah, getting the free-loading, active addict child out of the house...we know a little something about that.
In our state in the U.S., if you live in a particular home for a certain amount of time, you are considered a legal tenant. Therefore, my husband literally had to write a 30-day eviction notice to his son (my alcoholic/addict stepson). He had to do it this way because if "Jr." got ugly or physical, he could call the police to escort the young man out at the end of the 30 days if needed. (Eviction notice already filed with the magistrate's office).
My husband even offered to pay rent for a few months at a new place to help him get started if he did 3 things 1) stay clean; 2) get and keep a job; and 3) don't get in trouble with the law. During his last weekend in his father's home, my stepson get arrested for crack possession, spent the night in jail, overslept and lost his job. Out he went anyway wailing the whole time about 'how can you kick me out now!'. Frankly, I think his timing was purposeful!
I know that we think "What will he do?" "He'll be homeless!". Well, active alcoholics and addicts are extremely resourceful. My stepson did spend some time in homeless shelters, but he always had someplace to lay his head at night.
Your sons are adults, and if you do not want them living with you anymore, you don't have to have them living with you. It is your decision since you own the home. I would check to make sure about the legalities of having to give 'notice' or not.
They can only take advantage of us with our permission. Once we stop giving permission, then the abuse ends.
Ah, getting the free-loading, active addict child out of the house...we know a little something about that.
In our state in the U.S., if you live in a particular home for a certain amount of time, you are considered a legal tenant. Therefore, my husband literally had to write a 30-day eviction notice to his son (my alcoholic/addict stepson). He had to do it this way because if "Jr." got ugly or physical, he could call the police to escort the young man out at the end of the 30 days if needed. (Eviction notice already filed with the magistrate's office).
My husband even offered to pay rent for a few months at a new place to help him get started if he did 3 things 1) stay clean; 2) get and keep a job; and 3) don't get in trouble with the law. During his last weekend in his father's home, my stepson get arrested for crack possession, spent the night in jail, overslept and lost his job. Out he went anyway wailing the whole time about 'how can you kick me out now!'. Frankly, I think his timing was purposeful!
I know that we think "What will he do?" "He'll be homeless!". Well, active alcoholics and addicts are extremely resourceful. My stepson did spend some time in homeless shelters, but he always had someplace to lay his head at night.
Your sons are adults, and if you do not want them living with you anymore, you don't have to have them living with you. It is your decision since you own the home. I would check to make sure about the legalities of having to give 'notice' or not.
They can only take advantage of us with our permission. Once we stop giving permission, then the abuse ends.
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
How are you doing tonight, Lovenjoy? How's that precious granddaughter?
Enabler1....I'm happy to hear about the job on Monday! I hope this will give you something to focus on, something to distract you and give you enough distance so that you can decide what you want to do about the 'stay or go' question.
Anymore news, blackgnat?
Enabler1....I'm happy to hear about the job on Monday! I hope this will give you something to focus on, something to distract you and give you enough distance so that you can decide what you want to do about the 'stay or go' question.
Anymore news, blackgnat?
happy, joyous an free!
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: northeast
Posts: 693
Hi Seren! My granddaughter is well, we had a truly joyful day yesterday. All of us. I'll take it!
Grand baby back with mom this morning. Mom doesn't look good but I can't control it or cure it…
RAS decided to talk himself out of going to his Sunday morning meeting. He slipped on ice and smacked his elbow this morning. I said you should go it'll take your mind off it. He snarled. So I told him what I have said before - I'll only support recovery and just not doing drugs is not recovery. So he snarled back and went. Hope he gets what he needs today.
I am calm these days when we communicate. Whether that helps him in his struggles or not, who knows. I know I am no longer contributing to active addiction. It is so hard to tell if he is active or not and I don't like monitoring. Most days I really believe he is drug free. Then others, like my post the other night, my imagination takes off. I really think last weekend he used. We had a bad day. I told him yesterday morning I didn't want a repeat of last Saturday. He started to protest and I just said you were off all day and I don't want a repeat. End of conversation. And we had the best day!
I am slowly learning new behaviors and finding some peace. So very grateful for SR! Words can't describe the support and encouragement this community gives me. Have a great day Seren and thanks for checking on me.
Grand baby back with mom this morning. Mom doesn't look good but I can't control it or cure it…
RAS decided to talk himself out of going to his Sunday morning meeting. He slipped on ice and smacked his elbow this morning. I said you should go it'll take your mind off it. He snarled. So I told him what I have said before - I'll only support recovery and just not doing drugs is not recovery. So he snarled back and went. Hope he gets what he needs today.
I am calm these days when we communicate. Whether that helps him in his struggles or not, who knows. I know I am no longer contributing to active addiction. It is so hard to tell if he is active or not and I don't like monitoring. Most days I really believe he is drug free. Then others, like my post the other night, my imagination takes off. I really think last weekend he used. We had a bad day. I told him yesterday morning I didn't want a repeat of last Saturday. He started to protest and I just said you were off all day and I don't want a repeat. End of conversation. And we had the best day!
I am slowly learning new behaviors and finding some peace. So very grateful for SR! Words can't describe the support and encouragement this community gives me. Have a great day Seren and thanks for checking on me.
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Wheeeee! So glad you had fun with your grand! We went to the first T-ball practice for one of our grandsons....that was entertainment 
Sorry to hear about Mr. Crankypants. As we say around here: He can get glad in the same pants he got mad in.
That was the hardest thing for Mr. S and I to learn, but the thing that made the biggest difference in the 'drama' involved in our conversations with his son.
Sending hugs! S
Sorry to hear about Mr. Crankypants. As we say around here: He can get glad in the same pants he got mad in.
Originally Posted by Lovenjoy
I am calm these days when we communicate.
Sending hugs! S
Member
Join Date: Aug 2008
Posts: 37
Thanks for asking, Seren.
He tried to call several times at the weekend but the phone system doesn't seem to be working properly so I haven't been able to talk to him.
He will be in front of the judge on the 28th and more will be decided then. He feels he has a strong case against the person he assaulted but isn't sure whether to go to trial or just take a plea bargain.
I have gone through a couple of years of therapy to try and detach because the stress of living with him and his addictions has been agony. Hardest thing I've ever had to do and am not out of the woods by any means.
He DID get his bail reduced in January but was drinking and drugging within 12 hours of his release and got re-arrested and picked up more charges. Was back in jail after 3 days. He's SO far in the grip of his demons that I seriously doubt he will be able to function in the outside world.
Never thought I'd bring this human being into the world who just doesn't want to be here and seems hell-bent on self destruction. I've tried EVERYTHING (probably too much) to help but am starting to realize that it's really up to him to build a productive life for himself.
Love him so much, but the mental illness and addiction issues have transformed him into someone who is unrecognizable to me and I have to accept THAT person, not the delightful little boy I knew...
Strength and courage to you all...
He tried to call several times at the weekend but the phone system doesn't seem to be working properly so I haven't been able to talk to him.
He will be in front of the judge on the 28th and more will be decided then. He feels he has a strong case against the person he assaulted but isn't sure whether to go to trial or just take a plea bargain.
I have gone through a couple of years of therapy to try and detach because the stress of living with him and his addictions has been agony. Hardest thing I've ever had to do and am not out of the woods by any means.
He DID get his bail reduced in January but was drinking and drugging within 12 hours of his release and got re-arrested and picked up more charges. Was back in jail after 3 days. He's SO far in the grip of his demons that I seriously doubt he will be able to function in the outside world.
Never thought I'd bring this human being into the world who just doesn't want to be here and seems hell-bent on self destruction. I've tried EVERYTHING (probably too much) to help but am starting to realize that it's really up to him to build a productive life for himself.
Love him so much, but the mental illness and addiction issues have transformed him into someone who is unrecognizable to me and I have to accept THAT person, not the delightful little boy I knew...
Strength and courage to you all...
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
I'm sorry for the pain you are feeling over your precious son, blackgnat! My husband broke down crying one day remembering the little boy he took to the park to play on the swingsets.
I do know that most prisons offer AA and NA meetings. I hope he will make an effort to attend. Also, Catholic Charities frequently have prison outreach ministries which, if you are not offended by this idea, you might be able to contact the office in your son's area to visit your son since he is so far away.
I know it hurts! I also know from experience that the desire to change has to come from within. Sending your many warm thoughts and strength in the coming days!
Come back here as often as you need.
I do know that most prisons offer AA and NA meetings. I hope he will make an effort to attend. Also, Catholic Charities frequently have prison outreach ministries which, if you are not offended by this idea, you might be able to contact the office in your son's area to visit your son since he is so far away.
I know it hurts! I also know from experience that the desire to change has to come from within. Sending your many warm thoughts and strength in the coming days!
Come back here as often as you need.
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Whelp.....
A little earlier this evening, my stepson called his father. They talked for about 30 minutes. He did not ask for anything, but Mr. S says his son was drunk.
And so we sit with this new knowledge. We wait and wonder when the next crisis will be. We think about whether there will be anything we will be willing to do except get him to a hospital if needed.
The last time he was actually drunk on the phone with his father, it was only a few days to a week later that he was found wandering around the city in DTs. I hope that's not the case this time.
A little earlier this evening, my stepson called his father. They talked for about 30 minutes. He did not ask for anything, but Mr. S says his son was drunk.
And so we sit with this new knowledge. We wait and wonder when the next crisis will be. We think about whether there will be anything we will be willing to do except get him to a hospital if needed.
The last time he was actually drunk on the phone with his father, it was only a few days to a week later that he was found wandering around the city in DTs. I hope that's not the case this time.
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Join Date: Dec 2008
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Thank you, Lovenjoy!
The whole thing is worrying because with his last melt-down, he was around friends. This time, he does not have anyone who knows him well in that town where he currently lives. So even if he ends up in the hospital at some point, we won't know about it for several days, probably.
So we pray, and we wait and see where he takes this bus this time.
The whole thing is worrying because with his last melt-down, he was around friends. This time, he does not have anyone who knows him well in that town where he currently lives. So even if he ends up in the hospital at some point, we won't know about it for several days, probably.
So we pray, and we wait and see where he takes this bus this time.
happy, joyous an free!
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: northeast
Posts: 693
you get me thinking Seren!
Just remember, those boundaries are for you--to protect your peace and serenity--not as a way to control his behavior.
You said this earlier in regards to my son. It's a tough one for me because it is his behavior that's bothering me! And really my peace and serenity should not be impacted so hugely by what he is or isn't doing? After all the behavior I'm upset about is not whether he's active or not (I don't think he is) but that he's not working his recovery in a way I think he could….. Very codie huh?!
Many behaviors to overcome on my part. The quote from you above has given me much to consider. How to be helpful without controlling. I hope to lead by example going forward. The occasional nudge I don't think is a bad thing but with my own disease in mind it gets tricky.
You're a pretty wonderful person Seren. I hope you know that!
You said this earlier in regards to my son. It's a tough one for me because it is his behavior that's bothering me! And really my peace and serenity should not be impacted so hugely by what he is or isn't doing? After all the behavior I'm upset about is not whether he's active or not (I don't think he is) but that he's not working his recovery in a way I think he could….. Very codie huh?!
Many behaviors to overcome on my part. The quote from you above has given me much to consider. How to be helpful without controlling. I hope to lead by example going forward. The occasional nudge I don't think is a bad thing but with my own disease in mind it gets tricky.
You're a pretty wonderful person Seren. I hope you know that!
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