PhoenixJ

My deepest and sincerest of prayers for you and your step son. Addiction really sucks. PJ

Seren

Thank you, PJ. How are you today? It must be, what almost 10 p.m. where you are?

irisgardens

Glad to be back...even if fitfully. Really need to do something different than the past-but have spent 21 years with 3 sequential daughters who used drugs. Grateful the first 2 are now functioning, working and handling life-one even growing up-both great mothers...but the constant pain of 8 years with this one who is about to turn 25 has worn me down (without having respite between the others). Grateful that able to pay basic bills--have even worked during the past 4 years since returning from South America where had gone to regroup in husband's home country from 2 previous daughters and resources spent as well as great recession that hit his construction business and losing home and it felt like, family (to me)-lots of resentment from the girls I tried to help. Things are better...set boundaries on that, and do not force or even try to push anything with them. Very isolated, though-right now not able to work due to depression and just working to figure out what can do about that.

Seren

Glad to have you back here, iris. I am happy to hear that your two oldest daughters are on their paths to healthy futures! That is wonderful news!

I am sorry to hear about your third daughter's continued struggles and the isolation you feel

I hope you can continue to try to rest and regroup for yourself and hopefully you have a good doctor and/or therapist who can help you with your depression. In the past, I have been on two short courses of anti-depressants that helped...but I know that is not for everyone.

Sending many prayers and hugs your way for you, your daughters, and their father for healing and peace.

irisgardens

Really appreciate your understanding and response Seren.
Figuring out the doctor part as not working, but have become good at making sure that I take my meds and when in danger of not having coverage--the doctors have been good at giving me enough for 90 days.
My next big thing is to find insurance-for a smart person, don't know why it is so challenging for me to figure this out...but it is.

Seren

I wish I knew more about signing up for the affordable care act, iris, but I'm afraid I can't offer any help there. Have you tried going to your local library? They often run information sessions or have people trained to help.

I have been without insurance before, and I am diabetic. I know what a challenge it can be to make the medications stretch as far as possible.

Hope this week coming up helps to bring you some answers!

Seren

Well, It's January 2, 2017...go figure. At the end of 2015, I never thought I'd make it this far. I never thought I'd be able to take in my next breath...

I sent my stepson a Merry Christmas text ( I have no idea where he lives to send him a card ). No reply, but at least it did not result in a rambling, drunken phone call to his sister. So there's that...

I just have to keep praying for him because that is all I have left.

I keep praying for all the parents, step-parents, grands, etc. who have to deal with this day-in and day-out. I know your strength and your pain, and I am sorry! I wish I knew where my stepson was...

irisgardens

Understand-we do know where our daughter is, but after 'finding her' at Christmas and seeing the true ugliness there (yes, the drugs and lifestyle, but coming from someone who I no longer recognize in any way).

You are such a lovely spirit and so glad you come here to post as it helps me to remember other areas of life that have progressed in-and yes, so remember that feeling of never being able to take another breath (in 1991 when my infant son died) and yet...have have lived through many other things since then and one moment at a time. Sometimes doing nothing is the best I can do.

Wishing you a progressively better 2017 with new positive things that you haven't even thought of yet.

Seren

I like that idea...thank you, iris! Things I haven't even thought of yet

One moment at a time, right?

We are forecast to get snow this weekend. That is unusual in this southern state and we are ill-prepared to handle it. Folks around here tend to believe 1-3 inches is snowmagedon

And still no word from my stepson...maybe I will try e-mail next.

Seren

Haven't worked up the nerve to e-mail my stepson yet. Sometimes I have a hard time knowing exactly what to say.

"How's that heroin addiction coming along?"
"Hope you haven't been arrested this week!"

See? All that is just snarky and awful.

I just don't know how many times I can keep saying "How are you? Hope to hear from you soon! Take good care, I love you!"

And do I hope to hear from him soon? Not if he's drunk/high...and that seems as though it is all the time

irisgardens

Understand, Seren. Our daughter no longer has a phone or access to email, but still-the occasional posting on Facebook is simply-love you-and sending love and hugs is all can do. Do you think this is too little?

I love the snarky though-it is exactly how I feel and makes me laugh which makes me healthier; after all, we need to survive and live and hopefully thrive too!

Have been sorting through some things from our prior life and letting go of some (it is easier than letting go of the love I feel for her). I am a spiritual person and often live on faith in that which I cannot either see or imagine (when not imagining myself as crazy and doubting myself-:-) and letting go of the things (some of the smaller things that are just too silly to hold on to any more) helps me feel better-one minute at a time...with lots of rest in between.

Have a great day and I, too, hope that you hear from him (or about him?).

Ilovemysonjj

Hello Iris and Seren. I just wanted to say Happy New Year! I know things are so difficult when our children are lost, but prayers are not ignored. Sending my hugs and prayers for you and your families and your addicted loved ones for God's grace and power to flow into your lives. Love
Teresa

irisgardens

Happy New Year! Thanks for the lovely message. How is your son coming along?

Ilovemysonjj

Hi Iris, he is doing well and will be looking for work after his 30th day which is January 17. He doesn't have a phone and I am not buying one for him so we communicate every 3-5 days when he calls me from the Ranch landline phone. I never really worry about JJ when he's in the program, it is when he leaves that is the kicker. He can definitely go without using, but the real recovery is still not proven. This ranch is very respected and the people there are involved in church services and bible studies. I am cautiously optimistic, but as most of us, very tired of the hopes being dashed. I am diligent to keep my side of the street clean!

Seren

I don't think that is too little at all! I don't post on my stepson's FB page because he rarely visits it, and he has attacked me verbally through FB before for all to see. So, he is blocked on that medium.

I hope your day has dawned a bit brighter and that your insurance fight has made some progress.

I guess I will send the e-mail even though I am sure it won't matter much...but it matters to me, and I believe it matters to my late husband.

irisgardens

Thanks, Seren. Seems like I am always trying for the middle (even before the whole drug use saga hit my family) and to get some encouragement and validation is helpful.

We have made a bit of progress on the insurance-went to the hospital with hubby and did app-now he has to finish his medicare app (he is a procrastinator so I will push for next week) and when that is complete, should be able to get medical (hopefully) which will ease my mind.

Also feeling better the past few days-more alert and awake and that is awesome.

Am glad you are sending your message-as it does help me to send mine from time to time, especially after a while when I have taken a break with daughter at her worst (& my disillusionment wearing off and me remembering how much I love her, but still trying not to overthink or do more than can be done). If it would make your hubby happy, then just that is good enough.

Seren

Because even though he lives in a completely different state, my stepson does have a flair for the dramatic timing. At a family gathering/celebration, my stepdaughter received a phone call from a childhood friend who lives where my stepson now lives (she did not answer at the time). In a text exchange with this man later that evening, she learned that her brother is broke and well into his heroin addiction.

So, he blew through the life insurance money my late husband left him in probably less than a year. Mr. Seren always intended to change the policy so his son would not get a bunch of cash at once, but never got around to it. Maybe this is a good thing since he does not have the money to buy drugs, but we all know how resourceful addicts can be when it comes to their DOC.

And...so we wait to see if he goes back to 'living feral' as he calls it or finally, finally reaches out for help. Or back in the hospital. Or...well...I don't want to think about it much but know the reality is he may die this time.

There. I actually wrote it down--Please, God, don't let him die before his miracle!!

irisgardens

Sharing the wish with you, Seren!

Twofish

Dear Seren,
I'm not giving up hope...
I'm praying for a little peace and serenity to ease
your fears, dear Seren!
Thoughts, prayers and the blessed "hope" coming your
way...from one momma to another. I care because you cared
first
TF

Anaya

My prayers for your stepson and you as well.

There is always hope when looking toward the light at the end of the tunnel, and certainly we can pray that one day it will be reached.