http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/ When it seems that our sorrow is too great to be borne, let us think of the great family of the heavy hearted into which our grief has given us entrance and inevitably, we will feel about us their arms, their sympathy, their understanding. -H. K. Sun, 22 Nov 2009 13:42:09 GMT vBulletin 60 http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/images/misc/rss.jpg http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/ http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/grief-loss/188990-unreasonable-guilt-horrible-thoughts.html Sat, 21 Nov 2009 03:54:36 GMT Brett was like a son to me. He grew up with my kids. They were always at my house or at his house. He was wonderful and kind hearted. He would do anything for anyone. But he made some bad... Brett was like a son to me. He grew up with my kids. They were always at my house or at his house. He was wonderful and kind hearted. He would do anything for anyone. But he made some bad choices. Got into drugs. Began stealing small things, petty things. In the process of stealing gas from a lawn trailer, he was shot and killed by the owner. Brett was trying to run away.

I am just so angry. Angry at Brett for doing something so stupid. Angry at myself for not being there to stop him. Like it was my fault. Angry at myself for not doing more to help him. He had a 6 week old baby, yet I wouldn't help him because I thought he would just use it on drugs. Angry at my bounderies that I set here. I thought not enabling him would help him. Now he's dead. There was so much more I could have done, should have done, and now, can never do.

I just want to re-wind, go back a few days, and be standing there blocking his path.

I'm having horrible thoughts about the homeowner. Wishing he were dead, not Brett. Watching the news as one neighbor after another struts themselves in front of cameras saying, he got what he deserved. That will teach others not to steal in our neighborhood. Over stinking gas. I have this desire to just go rip their tounges out and cram it down their throats. I find myself wishing they would loose everything they own because they put value on their things instead of a human life.

I feet such hatred for these people that I don't even know.

I feel like such a horrible horrible person for having these thoughts and images of revenge. Like any of it would change what happened.

I play it through my mind, imagining his fear, his pain as he died, wanting to reach out and comfort him, but I can't.

I know that God knows I'm having these feelings, and I'm ashamed. I don't know how to stop them.

I would even give him anything he wanted, even the drugs, just to have one chance to stop this from ever happening.

I'm afraid to talk to or even face his mom. Like it was all my fault somehow. I was the one that should have seen it comming. Should have stopped it.

I know these are all unreasonable thoughts and feelings. I just don't know how to stop them. ]]> Grief and Loss frankly http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/grief-loss/188990-unreasonable-guilt-horrible-thoughts.html http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/grief-loss/188785-3-weeks-ago.html Wed, 18 Nov 2009 06:02:50 GMT I found out my father had dropped dead te cause is still unkown but we don't believe he had any drugs/alcohol in his system. my family thinks it was a heart attack or brain angerism I don't believe that, my dad had an interesting pand lived by the saying "it's only illegal if you get caught"

I truly believe in my heart this was NO ACCIDENT

I guess I won't know till the autopsy report gets back but until it comes back I can't help but think someone wanted smething done and they got it done.

When is this gonna start getting better cause it has gotten worse EVERY DAY

I have NEVER been more pissed off in my life there has to be a way to release this because it is slowly consuming me ]]> Grief and Loss THE KING http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/grief-loss/188785-3-weeks-ago.html http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/grief-loss/188778-triggers.html Wed, 18 Nov 2009 02:54:20 GMT Warning: this is not a nice nor sentimental post. It contains hatred and anger ALOT of it! Thanksgiving will be the 10th anniversary of my son taking his own life. Wanna know what he killed... Warning: this is not a nice nor sentimental post.

It contains hatred and anger ALOT of it!

Thanksgiving will be the 10th anniversary of my son taking his own life.

Wanna know what he killed himself over?
His dad sold him crank and it fell out of his pocket in the grocery store and he was sure he was going to be arrested. He was drunk and he was high and paranoid.
Want to know where the alcohol came from since he was underage...his dad...he was staying with his dad because he was working with him and his dad was an irresponsible SOB who was never around so he just dropped my son off at home with a bunch of booze each evening.
And the crank...he told son that he needed to speed up production or he would be fired and gave him crank to get him moving. oops, not gave, SOLD.
Good ole dad was in on the manufacturing and dealing and taught my kids how to have a stand off at the windows with guns should the police ever come on the property.
Dad physically abused son.
I had set son up with an automatical withdrawal for a savings account....son had almost accumulated enough..or had, really, to move out on his own and buy a vehicle.
Three weeks before, Dad "borrowed" all his savings.
Dad was always "borrowing" his earnings.
I didn't find out about all this until much later, of course.
When we divorced, I didn't like the fact that Dad wanted to do clubs and drink on weekends, altho' he did include me...but this monster of a man emerged once on his own..divorced.
Yeah, son tried to hang himself once before. It was kept a secret from me.
I had my son hospitalized twice, Dad would check him out AMA.
When I arranged a meeting between the hostile parties (me, Dad and Eric)
Dad insisted that I was nothing more than a drama queen and pressed my son into telling me that it was all BS.
I begged people to have the guns removed from the house, the police had been there on a suicide call and said to remove the guns.
Dad vetoed that.
I spoke to my son that evening. This was not the first or second or.....? how many times I had these crises and I was at work and about to lose my job over it. I begged my son to let me come get him after work and made arrangements to call back. Son said he couldn't go with me, he had promised a friend that he would help do some automotive tinkering the next day.
Knowing that he had solid plans the next day, I determined I would go there the next day, when he was sober.
After I got off work, things got more serious....he took a gun, left out his wallet (here...DAD! AAGGGHHHH), left a note and went into the woods.
During this whole time Dad was at his girlfriends house less than 5 minutes away but would not come "home"
When my daughter and her boyfriend (they liked to stay in town on weekends, I was too rural and strict & I failed in my legal attempt to prevent this) found these things, they hunted for him and then called the police.
My son shot himself.
Dad blamed daughter saying that he wouldn't have done it if she hadn't called the police.
Emergency people and ministers came and helped the family there.
I was not notified until over 12 hours after it happened, my young daughter called me!
At the funeral the MIL from HeII tried to shove me out of the way as if I did not belong.
Then whilst I sat beside his grave, She phoned the funeral home and told them not to let me back in and not to let me have anything.
I found out about that much later..as such things were furthest from my mind.
I had taken my son out of his father's house with an emergency order due to abuse a few years before. I know that my son did not seek out drink or drugs.
He moved to his dad's to take a good job and had planned to move out.
Dad was just as negligient with daughter.
He abandoned her after son's death.
Then on Father's day, Dad's girlfriend called daughter to tell her that her dad was at the spot Eric killed himself and would not speak to anyone or come back. How freaking cruel!!!!!!!! We were in another state with my sister trying to heal.
I hate that man.
He used to threaten suicide. Damn right, I wish it were him rather than my son.
I keep this under wraps most of the time....
But I have forgiven everyone in my life for anything, everything...but for this...I do not think I will ever forgive him or his mother, who was an integral part in this horror.
And...dad...he just abandoned daughter and stayed with girlfriend and adopted her family.
When daughter was struggling to go to college..I sent money to support her, Dad said he didn't have any...but he bought a $45,000 truck.
I hate that man.
I hope he never has a peaceful night's sleep.
I hope he has the night terrors I have had.
And I hope...just this once...he has done one thing right and made a will with daughter as beneficiary...but if I know the situation at all...it is made out to the girlfriend/now wife.
My daughter told me what Son's note said...Dad would never let me even see it.!

Please don't scold me for this hateful post. It is feelings that I need to let out. ]]> Grief and Loss liveweyerd http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/grief-loss/188778-triggers.html http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/grief-loss/188770-nov-19-1-year.html Wed, 18 Nov 2009 01:15:42 GMT In a few days my boy will be dead 1 year. I heart feels like it was yesterday. I have learned you don't die from grief because I am still living. I think of all the good times together but with the holidays coming again all the tears will come more than last month. I don't think I will ever stop crying. I pray to God he will ease the grief and it has at times but others times it feels like a new wound. That hurt that you can't explain you just feel. The empty space that can't be filled I can't put it into words. But it is their always.
Thanks for reading this.
Your friend

Maggiemac
Jason's mum
11-19-08 overdose ]]> Grief and Loss Maggiemac http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/grief-loss/188770-nov-19-1-year.html http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/grief-loss/187063-shes-gone-now.html Sun, 25 Oct 2009 04:32:02 GMT Hey everyone! I'm glad to be sober and a new member. I would like to share somethings that has been driving me crazy. I was with this girl for three years. She never used or drank and was a Christian. I took her virginity and we lived together with a dog and the whole nine yards. I always lied to her about drugs because she hated them. I really really loved this girl I even Asked her to marry me twice and she said no becuase I needed to get clean for 6 months first.. Well finally I came home to a dear John letter and everything gone. So I went to rehab to get her back. The whole time in rehab she was calling texting and saying we loved each other before bed even though we were technically friends, I honestly thought things were getting better.. When I get back from rehab she leaves me for good not only two weeks later.. I never relapsed or ajything and she was really proud of me.. What's driving me crazy is that she said that we grew apart a long time ago and that we are not meant for each other and that I don't need her anymore, to make things worse she already has a new boy friend and is living with him and stuff not even 3 months after.. I'm crushed and I can never get passed my step 4. I always stop at it. I bet she has a lot to do with it.. I need help my sponsor just isn't doing it. Any support would he appreciated. Thanks and god bless!:praying ]]> Grief and Loss NickA090609 http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/grief-loss/187063-shes-gone-now.html http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/grief-loss/187058-what-all-means.html Sun, 25 Oct 2009 03:05:45 GMT Over a year now...only a little over a year now, it feels so much longer. I have made it through a year without someone I loved very much. Drugs took him. I don't classify him anymore as boyfriend or ex-boyfriend, all of that, why we knew each other seems unimportant. He was someone I loved and still love.

What is it to lose someone to an addiction? In some ways it feels like it was inevitable. I tried to stop it, he tried to stop it, his family tried to stop it and all of that love and all of that energy couldn't stop it. I used to wonder why he couldn't be stronger. I don't anymore. I used to feel pity for him. I don't anymore. I used to be so angry with him. I'm not anymore. I just want to feel a connection to him. I just want this slow failing of my memory to stop so that I will not truly lose him. I don't want to replace him, but I don't want a world without someone like him in it. That is the world I have now so all I can do is be thankful for what was.

Something I was reading or saw was talking about soul mates. It said that soul mates were not some perfect person, in fact they are the opposite. Someone who comes into your life and pushes you to the place where you must change/learn/grow. He was that to me and there was a little time there where he was that perfect person too.

And then there is who he was without me. I see that person now. The soul of him, the powerful force, the free spirit.

For anyone dealing with the loss of someone you loved due to addiction, I wish you strength and the ability to forgive both yourself and the person you lost. We do the best we can. We try so hard to help and be helped. Sometimes we lose the battle. Sometimes it just isn't someone's fault. Sometimes what is just is. And what is, is okay. We are not to blame. They are not to blame. ]]> Grief and Loss bluerskies http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/grief-loss/187058-what-all-means.html http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/grief-loss/186952-then-he-gone.html Fri, 23 Oct 2009 13:44:44 GMT Hello,

I have posted in the Sub Abuse forum but I am avoiding dealing with this because I don't know how to.

I found out - via the internet - that my ex-boyfriend passed away Dec 08.He overdosed on heroin in his room at his mother's home. I had been trying to reach him for months. His phone was turned off and he was not answering my emails. I thought he was ignoring me but I had a bad feeling nagging at me. Finally I started to look for him online and that led to finding out he was gone.

Some background:

Our relationship lasted approximately 3 years. He was an addict and he introduced me to drugs. He was controlling, possessive and abusive when he used - which was all the time. It was an extremely intense and close relationship. He never let me be alone. He was with me all the time except when I was at work. He would drive me there, pick me up (in MY car which he took from me) and call me throughout the day though. It was unhealthy and I was very unhappy. I did love him but I couldn't stay in that situation any longer.

I left him and it was horrible. He OD'd, ended up in the hospital for weeks, then he went to jail for months (for crimes committed while he was using) and was sent to live with his father in another state. We ended up back together eventually until last July when I finally called the police. The physical abuse had stopped but he had no control over his drug use. He had stolen pills from me while I was sleeping (I didn't know it at the time) and used on top of taking them and he collapsed. He was blue and I thought he was going to die so I called 911. He went to the ER - he had OD'd and I picked him up 5 hours later. As soon as we got home he started using right away! I could not stop him (he was 6'2, 300lb, steroid using bodybuilder and I am 5'2 100 lbs) and I was afraid for him. So I called 911 again. This time the police came with the ambulance. He was fighting with them because he didn't want to go and they ended up taking him to jail. I felt horrible but I was afraid he was going to OD again. I didn't know what else to do. he had made threats against me previously and I was afraid of him at times. The police (and a social worker) talked me into getting an order or protection. It is something I totally regret doing.

That happened end of July early August. I never saw him again and I only spoke to him twice after that. The first time was after the order was lifted (it lasted only 3 months). He had a new girlfriend and he was upset that I had done that. He also said he had gotten clean. I was using heavily during that time and I don't remember much of what else was said. The second time I called him and said I couldn't talk to him anymore because it was killing me that he found someone else. Which was the truth. We never spoke again.

After I got clean I wanted to get in touch with him again. I just wanted to talk to him, see how he was doing and tell him I was clean too. I think our drug use was the cause of a lot of our problems.

When I found out he passed away I emailed his sister-in-law to find out what happened. I received a very angry response which said that his family blamed me for his death and that I have ruined their lives and holidays forever.

I was in shock. I already felt guilty for the protective order and calling 911. I completely fell apart.

Since then I cannot stop thinking about things. What if I had done this? Why did I DO that? What is wrong with me? I should never have left him!

I am doubting all my decisions. I do feel some guilt and the fact that they blame me is killing me. His mother knew he was an addict his entire life yet she let him live home an use in her house. They never made him get help. How could they blame me like that?

I know this is getting long... This is so much going on in my head.

Was I wrong? How do I deal with this? I didn't make him OD - if I was with him I could have helped him, called 911.

There are so many things I wanted to say to him. Things I wanted to explain. I wanted him to know I got clean! :(

I have been non-functional since this happened. I have been out of work over a year and I am barely looking for work. I have withdrawn from the world. I never leave my apartment. I stay in my pajamas all day. I have no friends and I am estranged from my family. I have not gone back to using at least.

I know that I can't continue like this but I don't know where to go for help. I don't know how to deal with this.

Sometime I wish it had been me. No one cares about me. (I am not throwing a pity party - just stating a fact.) I am completely alone and would not be missed. It would not have any impact. He had a family that loved him, a new girlfriend and a lot going for him.

I'm sorry this is so long. If someone could please give me some guidance I would appreciate it very much. ]]> Grief and Loss LostForever http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/grief-loss/186952-then-he-gone.html