http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/ Feelings, thoughts, experiences-(ACoA)- and assumptions from the childhood affect all of us, throughout life. The child carries these experiences into adult life. If the experiences come from an environment with an addictive parent, this secret can be transferred from childhood into their adult life. Share thoughts, feelings and questions and meet others who have had similar experiences. Sat, 21 Nov 2009 09:22:34 GMT vBulletin 60 http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/images/misc/rss.jpg http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/ http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/adult-children-addicted-alcoholic-parents/188978-abandonment-issues-how-they-affect-you-today.html Fri, 20 Nov 2009 22:31:48 GMT Hi Everyone, Sorry for this long post, but I just would like to get feedback from others...A friend of mine told me a story that really rung true for me. He was organizing a church dinner and a... Hi Everyone,

Sorry for this long post, but I just would like to get feedback from others...A friend of mine told me a story that really rung true for me. He was organizing a church dinner and a female volunteer had made arrnagements to meet with someone else to do some baking. When the other person did not show up on time at the church this female volunteer got on the phone to call the other person and began screaming at her that she was late etc. My friend said this woman had been abandoned when she was young and cannot take it when someone breaks a promise (trust). Though I was never completely abandoned as a child, I was shipped from one parent to the other when I was a teenager -my parents divorced at that time. I would like to know if other people react this way when someone lets them down?

Patk ]]> Adult Children of Addicted/Alcoholic Parents Patk http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/adult-children-addicted-alcoholic-parents/188978-abandonment-issues-how-they-affect-you-today.html http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/adult-children-addicted-alcoholic-parents/188961-new.html Fri, 20 Nov 2009 17:54:49 GMT I am new to this and recently have been made aware through the beginning of long overdue therapy that I indeed am a text book codependent my life spun out of control because of it and now through... I am new to this and recently have been made aware through the beginning of long overdue therapy that I indeed am a text book codependent my life spun out of control because of it and now through much pain and destruction in my life from others and that I have recently caused I am here. Shut up in a room unsure of myself and trying to find away to live each day with a different mind set. I am glad to have found this site. ]]> Adult Children of Addicted/Alcoholic Parents lightinmypath http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/adult-children-addicted-alcoholic-parents/188961-new.html http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/adult-children-addicted-alcoholic-parents/188876-did-i-already-detach.html Thu, 19 Nov 2009 15:33:10 GMT I was just re-reading the email I sent my AF (I should be putting an R in front of that, but I don't know if he is still recovering or not). I sent it last week, after me and my sister confronted him about having beer in the house. I wanted to talk to him about it (phone and email are our only options, he is in another state) but didn't think I could handle it, so I wrote an email. This was the morning before my first alanon meeting. My sister had already spoken to him, and he was angry, defensive, and hung up on her. (when I had called him the next day, after I sent this, he was the same way with me). We had written it together, we felt stronger united, that it was coming from both of us.

An excerpt:

"We love you, and can only imagine how hard it is to be an alcoholic and stay sober: we are fully prepared to help you along your journey, but we can only do that if you let us help you-- and that starts with you helping yourself. Our reactions come from love and concern for your well being, and the frustration that we are powerless in your battle to fight this addiction. We did not cause it, we can't control it, and we can't cure it, only you have these abilities. All we can do is be there for you to support you in times of trouble, reminding you how much we love and care about you."

"You can always be honest with us, and know that our doors and hearts are always open if you need us, but only if you are as committed as we are to helping you live a healthy life free of alcohol and drugs. We know that no one can force you to do something you don't want to do, just as no one forces you to purchase beer and have it in the house, spend time in bars, or drink... these are decisions you make on your own."

"There will always be room in our lives for you when you decide you want to be a part of them. We just can't continue to devote time and energy to helping you improve and find happiness if you are going to continue to involve alcohol in your life."


For the past week, I have been stressing over how to detach with love. How to put it into words, how to get the point across that I want to support him, love him, and be there for him, but that I can only do that if he is serious about getting better.

Re-reading this today, I feel a sense of relief that it seems I have already said all there is to say, and I have already detached. I'm resisting the urge to send something else, (that feeling of, 'okay this is the last one, I really mean it this time') I can't imagine what else there is to say.

I feel like me posting this is just another side effect of my "searching for approval", and I'm kind of embarrassed about it. Even though I know there is no 'right way' or 'wrong way' to handle these things, I guess I'm still just looking for that pat on the back, that hug that says 'you done good'. I'm so pissed at myself right now for needing that approval, even from total strangers. ]]> Adult Children of Addicted/Alcoholic Parents kittykitty http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/adult-children-addicted-alcoholic-parents/188876-did-i-already-detach.html http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/adult-children-addicted-alcoholic-parents/188867-i-will-not-attack-her-verbally-i-will-not-attack-her-verbally-i-will-remain-strong.html Thu, 19 Nov 2009 09:51:08 GMT Sigh. It's been awhile since I've been around. I hope everyone is doing well. Life as far as my alcoholic mother goes has been status quo. Until Sunday.

My father had a horrible accident --he fell from a 25 ft tree while trimming branches. Thankfully he's going to be okay aside from punctured lungs, broken ribs , broken collar bone, broken back (but no nerve damage, thankfully) and a few other issues of the like. It could have gone so differerently, obviously, in so many ways. I'm extremely grateful.

My alcoholic mother did not notify my husband and I of the accident. My other two brothers found out on Sunday (neither of whom speak out about her alcoholism, although one of them does talk to me about it regularly). Like I said, it happened early on Sunday afternoon. I found out by accident during a random online chat w/ my younger brother late on Monday afternoon. He assumed I already knew --felt horrible that I did not. I got the details from him and then spent the next few days in a whirlwind of emotions. I can't even explain them all.....completely overwhelmed is the best way to describe it all.

I finally mustered up the courage to call him on Wednesday morning at the hospital. She answered. I was upbeat and kind when I simply asked to speak with him --it was so hard not to lose my cool. What kind of monster doesn't notify someone (especially a daughter) of something horrific like that (that happens to her father)? I also found out that she didn't notify his siblings until Wednesday via email. His bother (and his best friend) told me he would have been on the first flight Monday AM had he known.....all of the siblings/cousins are quite distressed ---but they are finally seeing some of her evil behavior that I'm exposed to quite reqularly. Of course HER siblings were notified on Sunday night/Monday morning. But even they are no strangers to he drinking problem. There are no excuses. She's been sitting at the hospital all week w/ her laptop. If she didn't feel like speaking to me --she could have emailed me the details. She did this purposely.

Part of me is blown away ---part of me realizes that I shouldn't be. The manipulation and selfishness of an alcoholic is pretty intense, even in a life and death situation apparently. I guess there's a part of me that thought she would put the issues aside and call in this kind of event. The issues being the fact that I am the only person who has spoken of her alcoholism aloud and has maintained true to my boundaries because of them. She loathes me for that, clearly. Or rather her disease does.

It's been shocking. It's been painful. It's been an awful week. He sounded pretty good and he's gone home to recover now --where I can reach him a little easier via his own cell phone now.

It's just unreal how far the alcoholic will go to isolate the one who speaks about his/her disease. But it won't stop me. It won't negatively impact the progress I've made in the therapy. I think I just needed a few days to cry --mainly over my father's horrible accident....partially over the fact that my mother really IS as sick as my husband and I have suspected all along.

Disturbing, isn't it?

Thanks for hearing me. Happy days for each of you....may you find the strength to keep your own families safe and your boundaries tight. I know it's not an easy task. ]]> Adult Children of Addicted/Alcoholic Parents sograteful http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/adult-children-addicted-alcoholic-parents/188867-i-will-not-attack-her-verbally-i-will-not-attack-her-verbally-i-will-remain-strong.html http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/adult-children-addicted-alcoholic-parents/188628-divorce.html Sun, 15 Nov 2009 22:03:48 GMT Apparently my husband wants to move to Washington near his mother with our children and separate from me until I get my problems sorted out. He says that 6 out of 7 days of the week I'm crabby, treat everyone bad, and am not providing the happy and pleasant atmosphere that he wants for our children. He says that he is tired of trying to make me happy for the last 7 years---trying his hardest to make things work only to have it go nowhere. He says that I can never be happy no matter how hard he tries to make me happy and he's tired of being around it and he doesn't want his children to have a mother like that. Lately he's been getting so angry with me to the point where he is starting to call me names and purposely say things to hurt me. I honestly don't know what to do. He says that I am destroying our relationship and throwing everything away. I feel like its ok for him to overreact and take me the wrong way, but heaven forbid I do the same. I don't mean to hurt him or offend him. Things that are simple misunderstandings to me are major offenses to him. Yesterday he said something to me that I took offense to (I took it to mean the worst possible way) and it drove him over the edge to the point where he was calling me horrible names, yelling and screaming at me, etc. I feel like I am incapable of being a wife and mother---and feel like he wants me to be perfect. Last week I worked 40 hours with hardly any sleep, balancing between his work schedule of almost 40 hours, I'm going to school at the same time, and both of us are trying to take care of our 3 children with no outside support and no family help. I think I am entitled to be stressed and overwhelmed sometimes--especially when I have no one to talk to. He gets so mad at me that I wake up crabby and tired. I tell him, I've rarely ever woken up happy in my whole life. I don't always sleep that well. I used to have really bad nightmares, but those have mostly gone away. He said he wants a normal life and he'd rather not be around me anymore than to deal with my problems. I honestly try my best to be a good mom to my children--I try to do the right thing and try to hold the house and family together while juggling work, kids, and school. I don't know if he's being too hard on me or if I'm being irrational. Either way, apparently he wants a wife other than who I am.

At times I overreact or mistaken what he says and take offense.
I have trust issues and he's tired of having to continuously make things better and convince me. I feel like I'm not allowed to over react or make mistakes. I'm not allowed to be imperfect in anyway or take his words the wrong way. He insists that I can be imperfect, but every day 24/7 is not normal. I honestly don't know what he's talking about and this is making me feel like the worst person on earth. I feel so bad and ugly as a person b/c I feel like I can never be good enough. I'm tired of constantly being criticized by him on how to act and behave--he'll say, you need to pray more, you need to be more religious, you need to be a better wife and mother, you need to be happier, you need to do this, you need to do that. I'm so sick of this. I honestly am so tired of this life and I don't know what to do b/c I feel incapable of doing anything right. I'm terrified of messing up all over again by simply saying the wrong thing. :c004: ]]> Adult Children of Addicted/Alcoholic Parents reverse http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/adult-children-addicted-alcoholic-parents/188628-divorce.html http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/adult-children-addicted-alcoholic-parents/188598-i-love-my-roommate.html Sun, 15 Nov 2009 15:32:46 GMT Not romantically if that's what you're thinking, lol.

It's such a weird feeling to be honest with all of you. I have plenty of "friends" and even more acquaintances than I can count, but I feel like I've really found a friend in her. We call ourselves friends rather than roommates now. I've never shared anything about my parents with her, but we have shared quite a bit with each other, and she confided an instances of sexual abuse (well... not quite sexual, but it could have led there) with me.

We're so much alike, and from what she's told me, she used to have the same problems of anxiety and such that I try to work out right now. She's a very healthy person, stable, hard-working, and just very much like me. It's almost as if we feed off of each others' good energy. She actually listens to me when I speak, which is different because usually I'm left doing all of the listening unfortunately...

I was just thinking about it this morning, and realized that I do love her. I don't think I've ever loved a friend before. It's such a foreign but great thing! This might be a bit off-topic here (my posts seem to be doing that lately), but I just had to share this.

Has anyone ever experienced this sense of awe at loving another person/having a healthy relationship with someone else for once? ]]> Adult Children of Addicted/Alcoholic Parents dolce7dolore http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/adult-children-addicted-alcoholic-parents/188598-i-love-my-roommate.html http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/adult-children-addicted-alcoholic-parents/188472-stop-world-i-want-get-off.html Fri, 13 Nov 2009 13:52:33 GMT The emotional roller coaster is so out of control right now. When I come out of my Alanon meeting, I feel confident, strong, and sure of myself and my feelings, and I know what I have to do to take... The emotional roller coaster is so out of control right now. When I come out of my Alanon meeting, I feel confident, strong, and sure of myself and my feelings, and I know what I have to do to take care of myself, and look forward to my progress. But by the time I wake up the next morning, I feel doubtful, apprehensive, and disappointed in myself for giving up on him.

Sometimes my emotional swings are every fifteen minutes, I go from happily and confidently going about my day, to sad and pre-occupied, wondering what he's doing, and what the future holds. I'll spend hours trying to snap myself out of the thought processes that distract me from my work... what am I supposed to do if he calls? Just act like nothing is wrong? Not answering the phone is my choice, but isn't that childish? I can't avoid him forever... What if he talks about our plans of him moving down here? How am I going to tell him that I'm not coming home for Christmas anymore?

It is obvious that I'm going to have to detach from him, I'm just terrified that because of the situation, I will have to do it in a matter of weeks. How will I be ready so soon? People are in Alanon for months, even years before they get the courage to detach with love, and leave the alcoholic to live their life as they wish. There's a very good chance that I will have to do it in the next 2 months. If his probation gets terminated or transferred, (court date on that is the 18th) he was supposed to move down here, and I'm going to have to tell him I don't want him to. What if my sister doesn't feel the same way, and chooses to continue enabling him, and I lose her too? I couldn't bear that. I guess I'm getting ahead of myself, and shouldn't worry about it until it happens, but that's such a hard habit to break... freaking out about what "could" happen. I know I need to stop that as well.

It helps so much to come here and read your words of support and understanding, like a mini meeting to keep me going until the next one. I feel like this computer is attached to my legs, every hour I'm sitting on the couch with it on my lap reading something, downloading more alanon literature, looking for help. I never realized how much of my life I have spent worrying about him. How much time I have essentially wasted wondering what I can do to make things easier for him. Now I'm feeling mad and stupid for wasting all that time.

The roller coaster leaves the terminal again.. keep your hands inside the car at all times...:react ]]> Adult Children of Addicted/Alcoholic Parents kittykitty http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/adult-children-addicted-alcoholic-parents/188472-stop-world-i-want-get-off.html http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/adult-children-addicted-alcoholic-parents/188443-poisoned-seed.html Fri, 13 Nov 2009 02:58:35 GMT You have misshapen everything in life with your careless hands. Your words have done nothing but destroy. Once in a while, you find the strength to build something positive, but then immediately... You have misshapen everything in life with your careless hands. Your words have done nothing but destroy. Once in a while, you find the strength to build something positive, but then immediately remove it--demolishing anything you built. You have taken 5 of the most beautiful moments of my life and turned them into spoiled pieces of fruit--to where I merely dread its taste when you are near. Graduating high school, any attempts to complete secondary school, my career obtained by my own means with the assistance of my husband, my marriage, the birth of my first daughter, my second daughter, and now my third. What good have you done for me other than to cause me grief--forcing me to make up for everything that you do wrong?

These are the times when I hope God is carrying me. Moments that have been the most joyous in my life are accompanied by excruciating agony because of your absence appearing to be present. Everything you touch you poision, twist, warp, vandalize, and patronize. Everything beautiful, pure, and innocent you are determined to destroy and make ugly. I have tried EVERYTHING possible, agonized all percieved solutions to the point of exhaustion. I can't do it anymore. I'll never get you back, you don't care and you never will. You'll always have your luxury of escaping from your responsibilities. You'll always think you're entitled to a better life than everyone else without ever having to work for it. You think you've had such a bad life--worse than everyone else. But you haven't even come close to wearing the same pair of shoes I've had to wear...struggling to fit in, struggling to walk in, and struggling to learn how to do it right.

The classic vinyl, you warp
embroidered clothing, torn
sweet fruit, embittered
vital nutrients, poisoned
pure silver, tarnished
love letters, burned
memories, forgotten and broken
porcelin skin, battered and bruised
my integrity, tainted

Because of you I have felt so ugly, worthless, incapable of being a wife and mother
because of you I don't know who I am
because of you I am trying to bear healthy fruit from a poisoned seed

Will i ever make it and escape this?
Will I continue to have to face this pain for eternity?

The only time I have felt free from you is when your existence is completely wiped away from my mind. No more hurt, no more lies. No more smiles covering up the pain of never having you there. I'm tired of being abused by you, but I don't know what else to do? I can't give up on you, but I need to in order to live my life once and for all. I can't live a life for someone who tears me apart. I can't live for someone who is just wasting away. I wish you would do us all a favor and end this faster than slowly dragging out your death like a piece of cloth muddled with dirt thinking its going to wash the glass window. The truth is, we'll never be able to see through it--not with your dirty cloths. So, please just end the suffering now. ]]> Adult Children of Addicted/Alcoholic Parents reverse http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/adult-children-addicted-alcoholic-parents/188443-poisoned-seed.html http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/adult-children-addicted-alcoholic-parents/188425-i-guess-had-come-out-somewhere.html Thu, 12 Nov 2009 22:04:38 GMT I had a terrible journey home tonight. The weather was awful and I left work a little early because I knew the traffic would be bad. BUt worse than this the motorway was closed and I was trapped in... I had a terrible journey home tonight. The weather was awful and I left work a little early because I knew the traffic would be bad. BUt worse than this the motorway was closed and I was trapped in traffic for nearly 2 hours.

My husband is out of town and I needed to get my son from nursery but was never going to make it in time and to top it of I didn't have my mobile phone on me. I had to park my car and walk to an sos phone, so standing there in the pooring rain, talking to a stranger about how I can get a message to the nursery that I will be late - I completely broke down. :c021:

The poor man on the end of the phone didnt know what to do with me lol!

He calmed me down and called the school, the teachers said they would wait for me for as long as it took. I arrived there at 6.35pm as they reassured me that he had been fine and they were happy to help.

It struck me just how much I have been let down, if only I had a a family that I could rely on to help me out in times of emergency? Not that they wouldn't have gone to get him, as they would have been there in a heart beat but I don't trust that she hasn't been drinking and I would be going against my boundaries if I called them for help.

Just when I thought it was getting easier

:damnit: ]]> Adult Children of Addicted/Alcoholic Parents Mandjas http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/adult-children-addicted-alcoholic-parents/188425-i-guess-had-come-out-somewhere.html http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/adult-children-addicted-alcoholic-parents/188410-he-lying.html Thu, 12 Nov 2009 17:22:05 GMT It may be a stupid question. How can you ever believe something a recovering alcoholic says? Can you ever? My RAF lives alone up north. He had beer in the house the other day. He took a... It may be a stupid question. How can you ever believe something a recovering alcoholic says? Can you ever?

My RAF lives alone up north. He had beer in the house the other day. He took a picture of a trophy he won from a chili contest, and in the picture there was an unopened can next to the trophy, along with his cigarettes and skoal. He insists that it was for cooking. (Some of you are probably shaking your head right now, already knowing that this is a dead end. I am very new to this). When asked about it, he screams that it was for cooking, and to get off his back about it, stop bothering him. But how frustrated do we get, even as non alcoholics, when we tell someone something and they don't believe us? How angry does a "normal" person get when they realize that they aren't trusted, that their word is meaningless? I get pretty frustrated, I know that for a fact. I've raised my voice a few times the same way he did in that situation.

I tried to explain why I have trouble believing him. He was an active alcoholic for 16 something years, and during that time if I tried to address anything regarding his drinking, I was met with the same responses: yelling, denial, lying, and anger. After 1 year of sobriety (which I have to take his word on, he lives in another state) it worries me that he feels comfortable enough to purchase beer and have it in the house. He feels comfortable enough to go to bars and hang out, drinking diet coke. He risked his probation, his freedom, and everything he has accomplished so far to have a couple of beers in the house because he wanted to make his favorite chili recipe. What if his probation officer showed up for a house walk through, and found the cans? Jail, that's what. (Of course, he was speechless when I presented him with that "what if" situation). He's upset and offended that we don't believe him, and wants to quit talking about it. When we ask if he drank any of the beer, (me and my sister have both talked to him about it) his response is, "It was for cooking! What difference does it make? you don't believe me anyway! Stop bothering me about it!".

Obviously I would know if he had returned to his old drinking habits; he could barely form sentences then, slurring and stuttering. He is not like that now. Up until 4 days ago, I had no reason to think he was involved with alcohol at all! But now I find myself thinking, what if he "just has a few now and then", thinking he has it all under control? If he is comfortable to have it in the house, and be around it, does that automatically mean that he would be comfortable enough to think that he could handle a couple of sips?

I have never been in his shoes, and I know there is a HUGE difference here, but I have recently quit smoking, after doing it on and off for 10 years. It would be STUPID of me to have cigarettes in the house. Period. It would be stupid of me to think that it was okay to have them there, for whatever bull**** reason, telling myself that I was strong enough to resist the temptation, that even if I had a bad day, or a fight with my boyfriend, I would be strong enough not smoke one. That would mean I am still in denial of the seriousness of my addiction, and that I needed more help. (am i answering my own question here?)

Are there alcoholics that think this way, and are actually successful in staying sober? What if he's telling the truth? How do I get past the feeling that not believing him is just going to hurt our relationship more? If he is truly being honest about not drinking any of it, and is staying sober, I want to support and be there for him, and continue with our plans of him moving down here by me, and helping him start a new life. It's just his casual outlook on it scares the hell out of me. Which brings me to my initial question.

How can you ever believe something a recovering alcoholic says? ]]> Adult Children of Addicted/Alcoholic Parents kittykitty http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/adult-children-addicted-alcoholic-parents/188410-he-lying.html http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/adult-children-addicted-alcoholic-parents/188398-anger-issues-drunk-dad.html Thu, 12 Nov 2009 14:54:28 GMT I have been recognizing a lot of anger towards my father and had about a month ago really told him off. I told him he had irrepairably damaged our relationship...it was a moment of truth for me... I have been recognizing a lot of anger towards my father and had about a month ago really told him off. I told him he had irrepairably damaged our relationship...it was a moment of truth for me though. Since I had moved on with my life after divorcing the alcoholic husband.....and finding a sweet wonderful loving man.....when I hear the same kind of abusive language I was so used to hearing with the ex, it kind of surprises me to hear it and then astounds me that I am no longer willing to accept that type of behavior towards me. I also realized when I was telling my father off-that he and my ex were very very much alike in that respect and I had never put that together. Even though I had known most of my life that dad's behavior was wrong, could be i was never willing to accept it. I preferred to just avoid it.

He crossed the line this time and I in no uncertain terms told him. I also told him that (as I was coming to that realization while speaking to him) that it was no wonder why I married the A- cause he was just exactly like him. I attribute his behaviors to his alcoholism, and he is not getting any better and he is just as abusive to his girlfriend as he was my mother.

On top of all this he is to have quadruple heart surgery in about a week. and I just keep hoping he just drops dead.

I know it is about forgiving and understanding and all that for my own sake, but the difficulty now lies in when I even remotely think of him or what he did or didn't do, this rageful anger comes leaking out of me. It's like I wish he would ******* die so that I can get him out of my head and move on with my life-without this spillover which I know is directly related to him.

The sticky at the top about removing your family from toxic relationships no matter what, may have been a catalyst for me. At least I am pretty sure I feel more comfortable about not allowing my children to be around him anymore. They seem to be a LOT less aggressive too.
I come to find out after I cut him out of our life that when they would spend the night there, in the mornings he would be blasting his girlfriend with language he would never admit to using....but in spite of the fact that my children were there hearing it! That really put the final nail in the coffin.

I am not sad. I am better than ok without him and his constant "all about me" haranguing. But i would like to be over the anger that I don't even feel (at least I don't consciously feel) which resides in me. Thanks for letting me rant. ]]> Adult Children of Addicted/Alcoholic Parents escape artist http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/adult-children-addicted-alcoholic-parents/188398-anger-issues-drunk-dad.html http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/adult-children-addicted-alcoholic-parents/188327-i-know-everything-lol.html Wed, 11 Nov 2009 15:05:45 GMT Through the last couple of years while ending my marriage to my XAH and recognizing the dysfunction in my family of origin, my relationship with my sister has been hot and cold. I had a lot of... Through the last couple of years while ending my marriage to my XAH and recognizing the dysfunction in my family of origin, my relationship with my sister has been hot and cold. I had a lot of resentment when I separated from my X, as she would talk a good game about supporting me, but didn't really follow through.

However, she clearly has many of the same ACOA issues that I do. She has reached out to me a few different times for support in her personal relationships -- because she "knew I would understand".

She called me last night and talked about a situation she is dealing with and how stressed out an worried she is about it. She needs to tell her roommate of her future plans to have her BF move in. She is worried about her roommate's reaction. REALLY worried about her roommate's reaction. We are meeting for dinner tonight, and I know this topic will come up again.

Of course now that I know everything about co-dependency and ACOA (LOL), I want to quote books to her and tell her she "needs to take care of herself" and "not worry so much about other people's reaction" and why she is the way she is and how she can get better.

But, that's just me trying to rescue her? How do I support her, without lecturing or preaching to her? Any advice? ]]> Adult Children of Addicted/Alcoholic Parents nowinsituation http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/adult-children-addicted-alcoholic-parents/188327-i-know-everything-lol.html http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/adult-children-addicted-alcoholic-parents/188317-new-here-need-support.html Wed, 11 Nov 2009 11:58:13 GMT I've been on this forum for the past 24 hours, minus the few hours of sleep and the hour I went to my first alanon meeting, and I'm so happy I found it. The support you guys give each other is what I've been missing, what me and my sister have been missing, and the realizations that you help each other come to are seriously life changing. I wish I found this place years ago.

We were in denial for a long time about my stepfather's alcoholism, and the fact that A) we needed help dealing with it, and B) there was nothing we could do to help _him_ deal with it. We were enablers for a long time, and things escalated last year, and we followed him down a path wrought with bankruptcy, lying, prison, probation, lawyers fees, and an attempted recovery. Geez, right now I feel like we _paved_ that path. The recovery was never real, I see that now, because it wasn't his choice, it wasn't his decision to help himself, it was the judges decision. He was forced into rehab, forced into AA, and did as much as he needed to do. Preached about how he was cured, and he was an alcoholic and knew it. Preached about how great it felt to acknowledge and confront those he hurt (even though me and my sister have yet to receive that phone call). We believed he was taking the steps, and doing so well, so we continued to support him financially and emotionally. We found out two days ago that he has been drinking again, (he actually sent us a picture with the beer in it) even though it is illegal for him to even have the beer in the house. His behavior has returned to the way it was, defensive, yelling at us for asking about it, not wanting to talk about it.

With my extended time on here, my 12 - 16 straight hours of reading post after post, I realize the mistakes we have made in the past, and our enabling was what made it possible for him to get to the point he got to when he was arrested. If we didn't start paying his mortgage years ago, he would have gone broke and lost everything, like he needed to do. We just felt if we didn't help, we were letting him down, after all, he raised us. We didn't want to let down our Mother, who passed away 10 years ago (that's when the drinking got _really_ bad) by 'leaving him behind' or 'drawing the line in the sand' and cutting off our assistance. I realize now, both of us do, that we cannot help him, he needs to help himself.

I'm just soooooo angry right now. The only time it doesn't hurt, and I'm not crying is when I sleep, a few hours a night. I cleared out my savings for him last year, to get him out of jail, and pay for his lawyer. I don't mean my savings account, but my money market and investment accounts, my long term savings. My future. I live in a tiny apartment, run my own business and make barely enough money to support myself. I gave him everything, and this is what we get in return, a big **** you it doesn't matter. His exact words to my sister last night on the phone 'what difference does it make, it doesn't matter'. It matters to us. I know that eventually in Alanon i will learn to not blame myself for being so stupid, and stop kicking myself for caring so much. I want to stop blaming myself, 'maybe I didn't call him enough and support him when he was sober' or 'if only i had gone home for more holidays it wouldn't have gotten so bad' I can't wait for that day, for that weight to be lifted off my shoulders. I'm more angry at what my sister went through for him, struggling through her final years of med school, working, moonlighting to make the extra money to pay his mortgage. I'm more angry that he did this to her, not me.

Some encouraging words would be great about now. I'm going to another Alanon meeting this afternoon, and plan on going to as many as I possibly can. My family is spread out over the country, all 3 of us in a different states, so I can't be with my sister now, even though we talk often, and I pass on what I read here. She doesn't have the hours that I do to stare at the computer, searching for relevant answers and supportive stories. She too busy saving lives :)

Thanks for listening ]]> Adult Children of Addicted/Alcoholic Parents kittykitty http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/adult-children-addicted-alcoholic-parents/188317-new-here-need-support.html http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/adult-children-addicted-alcoholic-parents/188288-denial.html Tue, 10 Nov 2009 22:02:37 GMT Drake78's post highlighted something I have been thinking about recently. What is the purpose of denial? What use is it?

I've noticed that denial permeates so much of my upbringing and interaction with my family of origin.

My codependent mother and alcoholic brother live in denial, about so many, many things:

My mother denies the past was that bad, denies that I had a "bad" childhood, denies that abuse and neglect took place, denies that she could have done anything to change matters. She denies that my life is good, that I am happy. She denies that she is a codependent.

My brother denies that he has a problem with alcohol, that his problem is as bad as my father's was. He denies that he puts his alcoholic weekends before his own kids. He denies that his colleagues are competent, that his doctor is competent, that a charity he had a recent involvement with was helpful.

Both of them deny that they are less than perfect - the problems always lie with other people.

Both of them deny my son has autism, deny that he has a disability, deny that the doctors are correct - they prefer to blame me. Why do they do this?

It seems to me they cannot tolerate the thought of anything less than perfection. They cannot be honest, cannot live in reality - my brother numbs pain or unpleasantness with alcohol, my mother simply denies anything she doesn't want to hear, completely ignores it, zones out anything unpleasant that she does not want to deal with.

Has anyone else come across this - not just with alcohol but permeating whole lives. My mother's whole life is like a carefully constructed house of cards that is not routed in truth or reality. My brother is following in her footsteps. I appear to be the odd one out - I seem to be the only one who lives their life warts and all.

Sorry - bit of a ramble this post - thoughts anyone??

IWTHxxx ]]> Adult Children of Addicted/Alcoholic Parents Iwanttoheal http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/adult-children-addicted-alcoholic-parents/188288-denial.html http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/adult-children-addicted-alcoholic-parents/188274-new.html Tue, 10 Nov 2009 18:12:24 GMT Hi,

new here. I'm an ACOA of an AF with codependant mother. Im 27.

I've been doing okay in my recovery (went to see a therapist for a while where I learned a lot about the disease). However, I find that I'm going thru another rough patch..

History: AF has been a functional A all my life. Never physical but verbally abusive. I went to university but it got worse. I hated coming home to visit or during the summer. I finally moved out for good after university for my own sanity. I took a job hours away and moved closer to my bf's family (I basically adopted them). I barely speak to my parents, or even to my two brothers.

I feel sorry for my parents but at the same time I'm angry with them. In the last 6 years, my mom was diagnosed with rheumatoid artritis, pulmonary fibrosis (she can't breathe properly, can't even have a shower without being exhausted), and recently has developed a heart complication. Her health is grim, but the rest of the family is in denial of the severity and it makes me angry.

I have tried to offer resources for her health, but she ended up getting sick again and had to be hospitalized for 3 weeks with a stint in ICU. I think she is depressed but she says she's fine. I called the other night and my AF was hammered. She basically took care of him for 35 years, and now she can't take care of herself. My dad's like "I'll do this and that..." but it never happens.

I know it will never change, and I hate putting those expectations on them because it only makes me more angry and disappointed. I just don't know how to deal with it anymore. I have never told them how I feel because "there is no problem". I don't see how confronting them will make me feel any better. I don't know what to do...

I feel like the next phone call I get will be of someone having a stroke or possiby dying. Everyone else's denial is driving me crazy

thanks for letting me rant ]]> Adult Children of Addicted/Alcoholic Parents drake78 http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/adult-children-addicted-alcoholic-parents/188274-new.html