http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/ Talk about relationship issues as they relate to sobriety including spouses, children and familes. Sat, 21 Nov 2009 10:12:12 GMT vBulletin 60 http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/images/misc/rss.jpg http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/ http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/relationships-parenting-sobriety/188841-ummm-i-guess-i-need-advice.html Wed, 18 Nov 2009 21:16:30 GMT Hello, I am girl that has fallen for a addict. We met at a electronic store where he picked me up while searching for new toys. LOL!! At first sight I knew that he was special. We dated for about 2... Hello, I am girl that has fallen for a addict. We met at a electronic store where he picked me up while searching for new toys. LOL!! At first sight I knew that he was special. We dated for about 2 months. In this time he revealed to me that he was in recovery and that he had addictions. I didn't judge nor would I ever. I supported his time and asked about meetings. Our relationship was very refreshing. I started to fall. Shortly after the exchange of feelings he left. I didn't hear from him in 4 months. He showed up at my door and explained that he relasped. He wasn't promising anything and I knew he couldn't after weeks of talking he entered rehab. I told him to go and to find himself and that I would be a friend. I went on with my life. Although heart broken and confused. I realized it's better to love him from afar than to push myself of him in any direction. After another 4 months he showed back up. This time I was a little shocked. I had done a lot of research and knew that in the first year afterwards no relationship. I understood and was planning on being a friend and some support for him. He explained his relaspe and explained to me that no relationship for a year. However, spending time with him he finally told me he loved me and I expressed that I loved him. We made love and now I am worried. I haven't heard from him and I am scared. I am not clingy or e-mailing him or blowing up his phone. I am simple stepping back and will be attending Al-anon/Nar-anon meetings to understand. I guess why I posted here is to see if in fact I messed up and what I can do to not worry so much. I know this may sound stupid. But, I do in fact love him and I understand we both made a choice. we need to keep moving forward. However, I am just worried. Am I stupid or just overreacting. Can someone help to explain Why leave come back and tell me you love me and dissapear again?:wtf2 ]]> ekg948 http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/relationships-parenting-sobriety/188841-ummm-i-guess-i-need-advice.html http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/relationships-parenting-sobriety/188651-before-you-move-together-you-should.html Mon, 16 Nov 2009 11:21:45 GMT Hey, I need tips and helpful suggestions as i want to live with my partner of 8 months sometime in the next year or two...what are the things you think are good to ask yourself (and even your partner... Hey, I need tips and helpful suggestions as i want to live with my partner of 8 months sometime in the next year or two...what are the things you think are good to ask yourself (and even your partner too) before you make such a committment from a recovery point of view as an alanoner/12 stepper/ person etc ]]> utopia http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/relationships-parenting-sobriety/188651-before-you-move-together-you-should.html http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/relationships-parenting-sobriety/188640-head-over-heart.html Mon, 16 Nov 2009 04:37:57 GMT Well, someone responded to a post I made; apparently, even though my SO and I are technically out of "romantic partnership" mode, I am still "with" him.

I don't want to make a clean break. We haven't spoken in over a week, since I let him know I was "fed up" with the emotional roller coaster and the excuses, but he has began to text me again.

I know it's unwise to be in a relationship the first year of recovery, but since we had already established one before the OD and the aftermath, what exactly is my place?

From what I can gather from the messages, he is not happy slipping back into the bar lifestyle, especially since it had cost him so much in the past, and I think he realizes he's gonna lose me, too.

He plans to start the steps again this week, and I think that's great, but I am scared of being hurt again...I don't trust him anymore, and though it seems like he's offering an olive branch, I'm afraid to take it.

Any thoughts? I am cooking Thanksgiving dinner for my family this year, and his mother wants to attend, and extended the invitation to him. If he comes, it will be the first time we've seen each other in over 2 months (long-distance relationship), and I just don't know.

Thanks ]]> OtherHalf7 http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/relationships-parenting-sobriety/188640-head-over-heart.html http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/relationships-parenting-sobriety/188634-new-here-need-help.html Sun, 15 Nov 2009 22:58:03 GMT Hi, As you can see in my subject line I am new here and could use some advice on my current situation. A few months ago I got a call from my fiance as she was getting off an overnight shift... Hi,

As you can see in my subject line I am new here and could use some advice on my current situation.

A few months ago I got a call from my fiance as she was getting off an overnight shift (she was a nurse) and she was crying her eyes out and told me she lost her job. When I asked her why she told me she had been using. She had told me once before that she had used (probably around 01/09) but said it wouldn't happen again so I had no idea she had a problem. She has not had problems with addiction in the past to my knowledge, we have been best friends since high school and began dating senior year, about 8-9 years ago. She immediately went into an inpatient program and has been clean ever since, ~4 months now.

Ever since she came home I feel like she is trying to slowly push me into a life of sobriety. Not that sobriety is a bad thing, I drink socially with friends but she makes me feel horrible about it now even though it is something we used to go do every friday and saturday. I don't have a drinking problem, if it's Tuesday night I'm not even thinking about a beer. So I don't see any problem with this as long as I'm not throwing it in her face. Should my life have to change that much? We're just a few years out of college, so this seems like a fairly "normal" thing to do over a weekend.

We are getting married in Aruba in March but lately she seems to be questioning whether we should even get married even though we never had these problems before. We have been engaged for a year and half and just bought a house together a little over a year ago.

I do feel like we have grown apart some now that we don't do as much together, but I still love her more than I did yesterday and know she is the woman for me.

Anyone go through anything similar that could offer some advice?

Thanks in advance,

Bos



A little more info: She also gets upset with me that I dont get more involved with things like going to meetings with her. I have been to one with her but I just didn't feel comfortable. I feel like sometimes she is trying to get me to be as active in her recovery as she is while I feel like it is something that she has to do and I need to be supportive. Should I be doing more? ]]> Bos35 http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/relationships-parenting-sobriety/188634-new-here-need-help.html http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/relationships-parenting-sobriety/188416-need-advice-relationship.html Thu, 12 Nov 2009 18:25:49 GMT Hi. I have been in a turbulent relationship for the past year, almost 12 months now, with a guy named *Ray*. Ray has a drinking and a coke problem. I believe he is an alcoholic because he has a... Hi.
I have been in a turbulent relationship for the past year, almost 12 months now, with a guy named *Ray*. Ray has a drinking and a coke problem. I believe he is an alcoholic because he has a severe personality change when he drinks/uses. He is violent, abusive, and breaks up with me everytime he drinks/uses etc.
I got sober 23 days ago. Im totally on fire with AA and he does not want to quit. He says he wants just "1" day a week to "do him" and drink/use. But that always turns into him breaking up with me, calling me all night in a drunken rage, and drinking/using for 2-3 days, then on the 4th day "im sorry i now im messed up again next time will be different."
I've put up with so much of his BS, mostly due to my own drinking, and now that I'm sober I have the chance to give myself a truly great drama-free life. I don't know why then it is so hard for me to just let him go. I'm afraid of being alone, afraid no one will accept me the way he has, afraid no one will love me after him, idk??!!
One part of me wants to work this out BUT I'm 23, he's 24, things are not well or anywhere near SET for either of us and mostly Im afraid all I have left to do is let go? The hardest damn thing to do with this guy!
Any words?
Thanks in advance ]]> LiveLikeGold6 http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/relationships-parenting-sobriety/188416-need-advice-relationship.html http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/relationships-parenting-sobriety/188205-should-rabf-have-his-own-space-our-home.html Mon, 09 Nov 2009 18:23:12 GMT My RABF and I have been together for just over 11 weeks. Today he is 17 days sober.

Brief relationship history: I knew him 20 years ago, went to college together, had not seen him in 20 years & we started dating the 3rd week in August, ‘09. After a week together, he was laid off of work due to the establishment closing. After a few weeks together, I noticed his drinking problem - he was drinking at least a 5th of vodka a day, all day every day; at six weeks he up and pulled detachment from me due to my wanting to talk about his drinking problem one too many times. At nine weeks & after two weeks of starting to talk to each other again, he shows up on my doorstep at his rock bottom, sick & messy & pleading for my help... which I told him that when he was ready I would help him through it and be his support, as he has no friends or family that understand or even want to understand the alcoholic mind enough to help him through his recovery.

Brief history of him: he had his first hospitalization two and a half years ago after drinking four 5ths of vodka & wound up in a coma for six days & hospitalized for two weeks - never seeking any type of aftercare program but stayed sober for 90 days; since then he’s been living with his grandmother and uncle rent free & just helping them around the house to earn his keep on top of working full-time in the restaurant biz until August... and his codependency & stress with his relatives was the catalyst of his drinking getting to the point where he hit rock bottom.

I helped him through the five days of detox at my home without issue, cared for him, etc; day six he was off the couch and back sleeping in ‘my bed’; day 12 I confronted him about our ‘relationship’ and if he was ‘really ready’ to be in an intimate relationship & I asked him to move back to the couch to sleep, as I have no spare room at the moment, & he said ‘just give me a few more days to get my confidence back’ & has continued to sleep in ‘my bed’; that same evening we went to his first AA meeting (as he would only go if I went with to an open meeting, which was fine); day 15 we went to his second AA meeting (open again), and he said he was going to his first closed AA meeting this morning to get his ‘first step’ - and he didn’t go, even though he’s said over and over how excited he was to go to the next meeting. He seems to be in the ‘just one more day’ thinking mode - and I consider him a dry drunk at this point since he hasn’t had his ‘first step’ yet. He’s been doing a lot of writing to purge the muck from his head... but I know that is no therapy like AA or an addictions counselor. Over the last week, we decided it would best if he move in with me officially - as going back to his grandmothers would just send him immediately back to his old habits, due to the stress of taking care of his 92 year old grandmother & his enabling uncle that badgers him day and night. His days of ‘rehab’ with me have been very productive; he keeps busy & does my yardwork & house chores and cooks for us - which is great because I don’t cook. He has had no urges to drink since the stress has been removed, and I believe my home is the best place for him to ‘recover’, under the existing circumstances.

Today is day 17, and I’m getting to a point that I’m starting to feel used... ie - since he has no money, no job, etc. I have to pay for groceries for ‘us’ - which he’s a great cook and says cooking is great for his ‘rehab’ - but not great for my budget, and I’ve had to set boundaries for grocery shopping already (sorry we’re going to have to live on bologna sandwiches & hot dogs for awhile & put the gourmet meals on hold). His ‘few days of confidence gaining’ is on day 5 now, and here is where I’m at a loss on what the right thing to do is: Since we’ve only been together a short time & had an intimate relationship from the get go, I have it in my head that continuing the ‘relationship’ means him sleeping in my bed & eventually soon getting back to the intimacy; we are purely platonic at this point & in all honesty that is just confusing me :headbange, considering I’ve been working on my own intimacy issues for years and have finally reached a point in my life where I am ready for a ‘normal’ relationship. He’s had anxiety issues all his life, so him saying ‘just a few more days’ - he will keep stringing me along to the end of never if I let him. I know that in AA they recommend not having a ‘relationship’ for a year - but this is technically an ‘existing’ relationship that he expects to continue to progress and grow every day & says he ‘needs it’ for his rehab - but at what price to me? I know I shouldn’t expect him to be able to jump back into the relationship full speed at not even a month sober... which is why I’m wondering if the ‘right’ thing to do would be to institute the ‘tough love’ program and have him move back to the couch... at least until he’s through his first few steps, ignoring the fact that the little ‘intimacy’ we share by him just sleeping next to me is indeed helping him through his recovery?

I’ve been to one Al-Anon meeting & I am following the steps of that program, but admittedly have not been effected by his alcoholism to the degree of needing regular meetings: I’m OK w/me let’s just say & have no problems maintaining my life & changing my attitudes through this process so far. This is just a tough call for me since I’m doing what I can to maintain a loving household & loving relationship, and knowing that my tough love of ‘kicking him to the couch’ is going to damage his progress just a bit at this point. ]]> coping123 http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/relationships-parenting-sobriety/188205-should-rabf-have-his-own-space-our-home.html http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/relationships-parenting-sobriety/188114-my-parents.html Sun, 08 Nov 2009 07:51:33 GMT Soo, I was super excited I got a job, I was doing well in school, just overall doing well. But most of all I was finally going to move out. When I graduated from the program I was in last year the... Soo, I was super excited I got a job, I was doing well in school, just overall doing well. But most of all I was finally going to move out. When I graduated from the program I was in last year the staff always said to me, I should never go home. But there was nothing else for me, I couldn't get a job, my province doesn't have many halfway houses, my parents aren't really physically abusive, and I'm 17. So I decided to go home, get a job and move out right away. Definitly didn't happen. As sooon as I came home things went back to waht they were before. After my parents promising they had changed and that they went to counsiling ( I later found out they never went once). I get home, and apply everywhere for jobs and look and look forever. I finally get hired. So I'm all excited I finally have a way out. I start looking at places, making plans to room with a friend. Then my manager decides to hire another staff, so now I won't be getting enough hours to be able to afford being on my own. I asked my boss to give me as many hours as he could. When he hired me he said around 20-25, now he's saying 8-10 at most. I've been in contact with many resources to see if theres anywhere I could go. But unless I'm in imediate danger, or using, theres nothing for me. It's sad but honeslty, my parents are my biggest trigger. I'm trying soooooo hard to stay clean. But lately I've startedd thinking, that maybe now that I have a job, I can actually afford to use again, I won't have to steal from people. I know that's so not true. But part of me wants to go back. It's so much easier being at home then. I don't have to feel like I'm walking on egg shells, my mood doesn't depend on someone else. I don't have to worry about everything being perfect. I can just be like **** it, and get soo high that it doesn't matter what they do, they can't hurt me. Anyways sorry I just needed to get that out. ]]> Savsy http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/relationships-parenting-sobriety/188114-my-parents.html http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/relationships-parenting-sobriety/188044-trust.html Sat, 07 Nov 2009 15:18:24 GMT I was trying to respond to my post yesterday, but the thread looks closed. (??) To answer some questions, though: 1. I was both venting AND asking for outside feedback. I try to do that... I was trying to respond to my post yesterday, but the thread looks closed. (??) To answer some questions, though:

1. I was both venting AND asking for outside feedback. I try to do that instead of going around and around in my brain by myself. (not good)

2. S.O. goes behind me and searches the computer, so Christmas shopping must be done on "private search". I have also been having some health issues and actually was doing some research on cancer (didn't want to wig him out...as he would do). So the "lying" was a lie of omission that I was actually also shopping (I don't think I was clear on that).

3. Was there ever trust there? I don't know. *I* believe that trust is beyond him. Our history just aggravates that.

4. I shared all of this in my appointment yesterday with the therapist. The therapist said that S.O. is mentally ill with a diagnosable anxiety disorder and I set it off when I do *anything* that is not 100% transparent. (BTW, s.o. sees the same therapist for individual and we see her together for marriage counseling....every week.) I asked her about "my" privacy and she said that if I want to stay with him, I have none. (I get questioned if I close the door for using the toilet or showering....that's what I mean by "none")

I am trying to focus on my recovery as much as possible, but it's hard when that entails phone calls and meetings (he checks up on my phone records, and quizzes me about meetings..."how was meeting, who was there, what was the topic, who chaired...etc."). I think I didn't realize that this is abuse because he is very codie, has never hit me, and assumes the victim/martyr role.

I want to leave but I feel stuck. Maybe the homeless shelter will have more appeal after the holidays. I just want to give the kids a nice Christmas first.

It really helps me to write it all out and look at it. Makes it real. **sigh**

Thanks for letting me share. ]]> nsanendmembrain http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/relationships-parenting-sobriety/188044-trust.html http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/relationships-parenting-sobriety/188015-too-much-handle.html Sat, 07 Nov 2009 04:25:43 GMT Hi. I met my boyfriend in high school, we were buddies, nothing more, and we found each other again and fell in love in our thirties. I am divorced with 3 small kids, and he is legally separated with... Hi. I met my boyfriend in high school, we were buddies, nothing more, and we found each other again and fell in love in our thirties. I am divorced with 3 small kids, and he is legally separated with a son. We have been in a long-distance relationship, and when we got serious, he admitted that was addicted to hard drugs in his twenties, and that he is now an alcoholic and wanted help.

He has PTSD, and I noticed he was on alot of medication, way too much. I'm a behavior analyst, so I thought this was a sign from God that I could help him. When we parted after a family vacation in August, he got into a fight with his ex, also an addict, and overdosed on prescriptions, cocaine, which he hadn't touched in 10 years, and alcohol.

He did 30 days of detox and rehab, and I went to see him after his release. I was prepared for this, because of a difficult childhood and my profession, but, after I had to come home, he relapsed.

He's cut back on the drinking, but when he drinks, on lithium no less (he was diagnosed bipolar as well)...the mood swings are terrible. I've talked him down from suicide, let him verbally abuse me, and pretty much bowed to the moods cause, I guess I'm "trained" to deal with it.

Last night, I stood up for myself. I'd found that he'd seen his ex, and when he rejected her, she filed a restraining order to keep him from his son out of spite, and as a result of this I've born the anger, but it gets worse. He's also ordered prostitutes online and cut himself.

He says he doesn't believe in God, and why don't I understand he has nothing to live for and that he is a dying man.

Two of my kids are disabled. He is the first man that didn't run away, and I am the first woman in his life he wasn't ashamed to take home to his mother. I love him so much, have forgiven him, have prayed, and tried to live my life as normally as possible, but I finally had to tell him that I have feelings, I hurt, and that he can't keep blaming everyone else for his problems, nor make me his sole source of emotional support anymore.

Is there a point when you just give up? My ex-husband is a violent alcoholic, and never wanted help. I just feel in my heart that my boyfriend and I are meant to be, but is this pain all worth it?

Thanks ]]> OtherHalf7 http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/relationships-parenting-sobriety/188015-too-much-handle.html http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/relationships-parenting-sobriety/187967-when-will-trust-return.html Fri, 06 Nov 2009 12:32:10 GMT I actually am beginning to think that there may be TOO MUCH history with me and my SO. He has never trusted me since we got together and I don't think that will ever change. It is just one thing after another. It doesn't help that we have both had affairs in the past. And he is possessive and jealous.

I put "private browsing" on (the computer) while surfing for f-ing Christmas presents for him. BIG MISTAKE. He found out about it and the interrogation began. I white-lied and said I was looking up something to do with my health. I didn't think it was that big of a deal. oh, BUT IT WAS!!! He brought it all up in therapy the next day and the therapist concluded that to search about my health privately, that I must be obsessed about it, and that obsession is on the path to relapse. I had to focus on the therapist's diploma on the wall to keep from bursting out laughing. I go to meeting every day. I talk to my sponsor every day. I help another alcoholic every day. Miraculously I have been sober for the longest amount of time ever. I wanted to let the cat out of the bag about the fabulous Christmas gift, but I got something really special for him and I don't want to blow the surprise.

He asks me why I never had a surprise 40th birthday party for him. What am I supposed to say? "oh, because you would accuse me of an affair half-way through the planning, that's why".

I have NO privacy. He goes through my things. He has to know EVERY thought and EVERY feeling or he starts wigging out. Well, am I supposed to do? Can't I have a LITTLE privacy? Jesus.

As of today, I want to send the gift back when it arrives back and pack my sh*t and leave. I DO feel angry. Well, not so much anymore...I have turned it over and shared with you all.

I know I am right where I am supposed to be, but is there such a thing as too much history??? ]]> nsanendmembrain http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/relationships-parenting-sobriety/187967-when-will-trust-return.html http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/relationships-parenting-sobriety/187395-extramarital-affair-divorce-new-beginning-what-chances.html Fri, 30 Oct 2009 00:47:23 GMT hello everyone, i'm new to the forum and am seeking advice about the man i'm involved with. i'll make this as breif as i can; i'm involved in a (very complicated) year and a half relationship with a cocaine, alcohol, sex, and rx pill addict. i'll call him DC. we are both married and in varying stages of divorce from our spouses (the divorces were brought on by our involvement with one another) it was wrong and immoral. we both understand that, but it's now done.

we were both in very unhappy marriages, became involved, fell in love (deeply, deeply in love at least on my part--not so sure about his anymore) basically planned from the start to be together. our marriages ended (HIGH drama--too much to get into)but the stress emotional strain of his divorce process led him to heavy using again (unbeknownst to me) hid it pretty well (long distance truck driver, so i wasn't seeing him so regularly)
he made an brief attempt to reconcile with his wife, and it failed...she put him out and he basically lost everything. home, vehicles, etc. needless to say his life spiraled out of control. his use became apparent. BTW, i'm still married,(separated for almost as long as i've been involved with DC)but am in the very beginning stages of divorce (while it's just a matter of time before his is finalized) my husband has been VERY violent to me during this affair, including stalking and threatening me..my husband has also attempted suicide. there have been confrontations between the two, again, stressful, high drama--long story.

fast forward. DC and i are still together, although it's very hard. he's now in a 28day inhouse treatment program. before he entered he'd entered a detox program, and was attending NA and AA meetings, which i' would attend with him when i could. i also visit with him and go to family groups in the 28 day program. my question and issue is this: i am going through ALOT with this man, it's because I love him. he has used money i'd given him to help him get his vehicle fixed ($600-800) to use drugs. i'm now in financial binds because of money i'd given him (ignorant of his use) which is very stressful to me (i support myself and my two kids alone) but still, i'm more than willing to stick it out with him. but here's the thing, he seems very reluctant to make a real committment to me. everything seems vague. he say's the only thing he is committed to is his sobriety at this point, which i understand, but i'm investing alot emotionally and spirutually into this man and i don't even KNOW what his intentions are toward me. he insists that he loves me, and that he's changed and learned so much from our being together. but yet he doesn't seem to be concrete with where we are really headed. keeps saying "you can't plan the outcome", yes but you can plan the course, can you not? he seems to really want me involved in his recovery, but won't really commit.


Any advice would be really appreciated. ]]> luna2u http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/relationships-parenting-sobriety/187395-extramarital-affair-divorce-new-beginning-what-chances.html http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/relationships-parenting-sobriety/187270-daughter-communication-question.html Tue, 27 Oct 2009 22:49:48 GMT Hi all!! Thank God that this forum is still here after all these years and helping people. I know when I have a question, you all will give me the truth and nothing but, so that's awesome:)

This has been a tough year for most with the recession and I hope, for the most part, everybody is doing well on here.

A bit of history about myself:

I'm an RA of 15 years. Was in an abusive marriage young...from age 16-24. Verbal, physical and financial abuse 24/7. I did have two beautiful children with him, though, that I adore.

My son is 30 and he's working through his A sobriety and doing well. He's on probation for two years for two DUI's, spent time in jail and has progressed since then. He's relapsed once or twice, but that's a part of recovery and he sees that that's not what he wants.

My daughter is 28 and is in a successful music career. Both kids have always been dominated by their Dad. Even after the divorce, he would buy them THEE best of things, give them whatever they wanted, kept them from me (ie: he'd coach my son's football, softball teams. I'd ask where his game was going to be that week, ex would tell me and SOOO many times, it was the wrong place, wrong time--on purpose--- to look like I was a mom that never came to my son's games. When I was told the right area, date, time, my son wasn't "allowed" to talk to me during, before or after the game), used them as pawns to get back at me.

It's not helped them at all. They still rely on their Dad financially, they've been so spoiled that they both don't feel the need to work, start a life for themselves. Why should they? He's always told them what to do, gave them the $ to do it with, just to keep them close to him.

He's never re-married and he's a lonely man. Always denied the abuse, called me a "liar" to my kids and a "psycho". So, naturally, they treated me the same.

I drank after I left him at age 24 because I was scared, no self-worth left and had to keep going with two small children and no family around. So, I did it for false courage.

Since I've become sober, I've done my darndest to be there for my kids. First, out of guilt, to try and give back to them what I couldn't while drinking. But, as the years went on, I stopped doing for my kids out of guilt and just because I wanted to become close to them and vice versa. I've been consistent and loving.

BUT, there is an issue that always comes up at holiday time. Even though my daughter is in the music career, she gets paid well, but not enough. So, her Dad gets her work or her Dad pays her rent....she's 28.

There have been years where I've paid for half of her plane ticket home for the holidays.

Every year, she'll come home for 3-7 days, stays at her Dad's, he's got her scheduled to do this and that and every year, I see her for a few hours on one night for a dinner.

We've been communicating well via text and email and bonding. She'll tell me "Momma, when I come home, we'll have a girl's night and we'll go shopping and just spend alot of time together".

Never happens. She's scheduled to come home soon and again, I get "but, I can spend Sunday night with you while Dad spends time with B (her bf that's coming with her)". Doesn't understand why that hurts me.

If I tell her that I was under the understanding that we were to do more together while she's here, she gets defensive and puts it back onto me by telling me "I won't listen to that" and walks away.

I can never tell/communicate with my kids how I miss them, want a close relationship with them because life is short, too short and when they give me a couple of hours once a year and thinks that's enough.......I keep my mouth shut.

But, I'm 50yrs old now and I explained it to her this way " You two are my whole life and it hurts to only see you for a few hours when you're here for 7 days. So, come when you can, we'll have a great time and I've got to not look to you both for my needs. I need to have my own life, do my own things that I love and always be here for you".

I SO wish I could tell them what I really feel. I feel cheated, I feel like a part time mom and I feel like, any one of us could pass away tomorrow and we'd not have the time and memories left that I wish we could have.

So, I'm asking again for advice..........what do I do, what do I say, I'm walking on eggshells here for fear that I'll push them away, but yet I hurt inside and feel cheated of the time with my kids.


THANK YOU for your advice! I so appreciate it. ]]> Girlfriend http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/relationships-parenting-sobriety/187270-daughter-communication-question.html http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/relationships-parenting-sobriety/187215-aloneness-recovery-again.html Tue, 27 Oct 2009 06:44:19 GMT Someone posted here about a year ago (longtime, i know) about them being sober and working a program for over 2 years and still feeling lonely, alone, and not finding a significant other in that... Someone posted here about a year ago (longtime, i know) about them being sober and working a program for over 2 years and still feeling lonely, alone, and not finding a significant other in that amount of time.They were asking if recovery, did infact lead to loneliness, or make it that much harder to meet anyone? I can totally relate to this, as I had 18 months of sobriety and then blew it on getting together with an old girfriend who i know still used. Honestly, it was so much easier hooking up with people that are in those settings like bars, and whatnot. I am sorry, but it was so friggin hard to meet anyone when i was sober and at times, and it just sucked. I felt like an outcast because some people knew I did not drink. I know this all sounds like a pity party and some are going to say it's because I did not work a good enough program and i should have been content with myself. It's kind of ironic that the people that were telling me just this (sponsor and some fellow addicts in my na group) had significant others and were not in the same situation. basically, easier said then done. anyway, here i am back again 3 days sober now. In major pain and feeling utterly alone. Granted I have been married, have had girlfriends, 2 kids, so it's not like i am not capable of getting these things. Just seems alot harder. again, as I type this I see that I have some serious low self esteem issues and am not at all comfotable in my own skin, and just liking and existing with mysef. Boy, do i have alot of work... thanks for reading. ]]> swampy http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/relationships-parenting-sobriety/187215-aloneness-recovery-again.html http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/relationships-parenting-sobriety/187060-rediscovering-relationship.html Sun, 25 Oct 2009 03:32:32 GMT A few months ago, while looking up some people on Facebook, i came across someone i once had a very deep relationship with. We had dated and lived together for many years back in the 1980's. We were both actively using then and our love for each other was very real. Eventually though, our addictions took more of a priority in our lives then staying committed to each other and we parted ways. Our contact thru the years was very sporadic and we each had moved on into and thru other relationships. We never really expressed a desire to rekindle our passion and just let life take it's course. Since contacting her thru Facebook, we have brought each other up to date. She also is recovering and involved in the A.A. fellowship. She is now 18 months clean & sober and working thru the 12 Steps. She has a Home group, a sponsor, and is actively employed. i have let her know about my journey in the N.A. program & fellowship. We were able to make several amends to each other for the harm we had caused in the past. We have sent each other numerous emails since then and have spoken on the phone many times. We have made tentitive plans on a few occassions to get together, but other obligations have played a part in this not happening in our time. There are several other issues in her life that needed to be worked out for her own well being. i will not get into the details. Suffice it to say that she has recently decided to end a relationship with someone who has been actively using drugs.

My feelings about this woman are still strong and i would like to be open to the possibilty of us reawakening our desire for each others company. The amount of love i have for her seems to be realistic and within a proper context. i have inventoried the way this appears to be developing and have been honest with my sponsor (and others) about it. This lady meant a great deal to me and still does, but i do not want to act rashly or inappropiatly with it. i would like to have things progress in God's time and with His guidance. My heart and mind see the possibilties of our lives coming back together at this time. i realize that our lives could have run their course to enable us to be much more to each other than we ever could be before. We seem to have alot in common with each other and are committed to our individual programs of recovery.

My intent in posting this is to get some perspectives on it from my friends here at SR. And yes, i am totally aware of giving her the time & space to begin a healing process from this previous relationship she was involved in. i feel that it is necessary so that i do not become a substitute that could take her focus away from going thru what she needs to go thru at this time. If you would like to share your experiences with similiar situations and what you have learned from it, i would be most appreciative. If you would like to offer your insight on my life from what i have have shared here, i would be very grateful. If you would like to express you care and concerns, please feel free to do so. If you only have opinions on this matter or only want to judge this situation, please keep it moving. As many of you know, i have seldom shared the very intimate details of my personal life here. i have my reasons for that, but i believe that this is needful for me to share about this aspect of my life with you. Thank you all for your continued love and support in my(our) recovery. ]]> Wolfchild http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/relationships-parenting-sobriety/187060-rediscovering-relationship.html