http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/ Fri, 20 Nov 2009 23:00:56 GMT vBulletin 60 http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/images/misc/rss.jpg http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/ http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/friends-family-alcoholics/188974-off-topic-religious-laws.html Fri, 20 Nov 2009 20:24:28 GMT Can I keep asking you unrelated questions for the rest of my life? LOL

Bf's grandmom is Catholic.

Bf tells me we may visit her. But that would mean going to mass and he would be teaching me prayers, as grandmom can't go out of her home and some little services are held at her home.

To attend mass one time is one thing, I am respectful, but to go there on Sundays and spend my morning and afternoon doing stuff to please someone else? My bf is not even Catholic but as she is from a very small town, he does those things to make her happy.

I am not sure where is the line between "fitting in" and being a codie again trying to please everybody. I don't want to be a chamaleon again.

My only "solutions" so far are

/ never meeting her grandmom
/ going, but briefly, for lunch or something and avoid the times I know they do religious activities.

Comments welcome........... ]]> Friends and Family of Alcoholics TakingCharge999 http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/friends-family-alcoholics/188974-off-topic-religious-laws.html http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/friends-family-alcoholics/188962-anybody-living-active-loving-detachment.html Fri, 20 Nov 2009 17:54:49 GMT Hi all,

just wondering if there are people out there that are currently living with an active a spouse and are making it work through loving detachment???

I know that AH's treatment isn't working because he is doing it for me - not him. I have also noticed that if I get all stressed out/ cold towards him it is very unhealthy for me and I believe it also bad for him - as he grabs to the bottle if there is emotional pain (I know it's not my responsibility to make him feel good, but I think it's part of our cycle - he drinks, I get cold toward him, he feels rejected and acts out, I get stressed out, etc.). So I am faced with either physically seperating or figuring out how to live with him, while detaching with love.

So to those of you practicing loving detachment (and living with active a), what are some practical tips you can give? I.e. regarding cleaning, financial issues, intimacy...? ]]> Friends and Family of Alcoholics Lotus2009 http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/friends-family-alcoholics/188962-anybody-living-active-loving-detachment.html http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/friends-family-alcoholics/188958-gf-using-again-should-i-walk-away.html Fri, 20 Nov 2009 17:06:58 GMT Here is my story in short. I started dating someone in April. I didn't initially know she had a history of drug/alcohol abuse. She primarily had been using Xanax. She started using during her previous marriage when she was abused and also she had a serious accident on a horse-she nearly died from the accident. I know those are not excuses, but it made me more accepting that she was going through a rough time.

We basically have ended up living together, and I do love her very much. The good times are really good. However, the bad times are really bad. When she drinks she becomes self absorbed, mean, and abusive. She will quit or at least make it not apparent to me that she is using but just this week she started drinking again-she was lying and absusive toward me a couple of nights. . She told me she was not drinking last night-I sensed she had been. She is on house arrest because of a DUI-her parole officer happened to come by last night and gave her a breathalyzer and she had been drinking. She had lied to me. I knew she had taken something or drank something-it takes me less than a second for me to tell she is under the influence of something..she will deny it, but I know better.

I really could not believe she would be drinking while under house arrest for a DUI-neither could her probation officer. I heard their conversation. She said she drank because she was depressed because she was on house arrest? I know, that doesn't make any sense.

I am not sure what to do. The good times are really good. The bad times are really bad. I care for her deeply, but I am not sure if I should just walk away.
I am very caring, sometimes too caring. I am moving temporarily back home with a parent until this is all straightened out.

She is saying that I am walking away from her when it is getting tough. If you knew how many chances I have given her to clean up and stop acting abusivem then people would know I am not walking out on her. I am not sure what, if anything, can scare her straight and get her to stop using. ]]> Friends and Family of Alcoholics pittguy578 http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/friends-family-alcoholics/188958-gf-using-again-should-i-walk-away.html http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/friends-family-alcoholics/188955-hurting-angry.html Fri, 20 Nov 2009 16:16:30 GMT Ugh I feel so angry right now.....it seems like every time I feel like Ive got myself on track I fall off. I posted the other day about my ex and his behavior since being in recovery. The night... Ugh I feel so angry right now.....it seems like every time I feel like Ive got myself on track I fall off. I posted the other day about my ex and his behavior since being in recovery. The night before last he came over, we watched a movie, things were ok. Today I got up, and see that he commented on a picture posted by the eighteen year old girl I mentioned in my last post. The picture was of her, holding a dog, and the dog was licking her chest, right above the neckline of a low cut shirt. My ex left a comment reading "Dang, spots really got his game on! ha:)".......I wish I could say that this doesnt bother me, but I started crying as soon as I saw it. He just told me the other day that he barely knows this girl and is only interested in being with me, and then he has to go post a flirty comment about a picture involving her cleavage. I guess this probably makes me sound extremely insecure and ridiculous, but if so its probably because I guess I am. I dont really even know anymore if this is something a normal person would be upset over, or if its just due to my insecurities and pain over the past. Also, on top of the fact that he left her the comment, it was at like three in the morning, and he spent the whole night online after he told me that he had to go home and get ready for the day today, and wouldnt be able to hang out with me because of this. I thought about telling him that I couldnt talk to him anymore because his actions are hurting me, but I dont know. I feel really angry because it seems like the only things hes getting out of his "recovery" is the ability to detach from me. He doesnt seem calm, or even like a good person. I still see all the anger and old behaviors, only now when he doesnt something awful and I say something about it, he tells me I'm jeoporadizing his recovery and if I dont stop he will take me out of his life. Then follows this with "but I love you and want to work things out", YET he wont define our relationship, for his recovery. I just DONT GET IT. Every other time he's been in recovery, he has acted nothing like this. It would almost make more sense to me if he said he wasnt in love with me, because I dont really understand how else he can act so inconsiderately towards me, and still say that he is "sober". I feel like he should be trying to make amends to me and hes still hurting me. I dont really know whether I should tell him I cant talk to him anymore because of his behavior, or just ignore him and give no explanation, or just "let go" and continue on with the way things were, and try not to let these things bother me. I wish I could just stop caring about him. Has anyone else ever experienced someone being in recovery, but not acting as though theyre recovering? ]]> Friends and Family of Alcoholics bebemay http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/friends-family-alcoholics/188955-hurting-angry.html http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/friends-family-alcoholics/188946-wishing-i-could-cut-ties.html Fri, 20 Nov 2009 15:03:59 GMT I've been coming here off and on for the past five years, as I and my family have been dealing with the constant rollercoaster of my brother's chronic alcoholism. He's 53 years old, been in in-patient treatment four times, with his longest period of sobriety being 3 1/2 years after his second stint in treatment. He relapsed last fall, did a 30-day treatment, got out and was drinking again in less than a week. We (my mother, sister and me) stepped back from him at that time, as we didn't feel there was anything more we could do for him.

On Easter Sunday this year, my mom (age 83) and I were in a restaurant when we were approached by someone who had been trying to help my brother get back into recovery. He said brother was in a very bad state -- had been in and out of detox again and again -- and that if something weren't done he wouldn't live long. At that point we felt we had to step in again.

We got him into a three-month in-patient treatment program (local; I would have preferred far away). We cleaned out his apartment, stored his stuff, cleaned up his mess. Meanwhile, he thrives in the treatment environment -- no worries, he's taken care of, he gets a lot of attention.

After his release from that program, he moved into a sober house, where we hoped he'd stay for a long time because he has shown he does NOT do well living on his own. But a month after moving in, he left the place and got an apartment - said the place was too noisy for him to be able to study (he'd gone back to school to become a counselor). He told us another guy would be moving in at the end of the month as his roommate.

Fast forward six weeks: the roommate never materialized, he's thinking of quitting school and "getting a job" (something he was never able to accomplish the last time he was out of treatment). He's depressed and his chronic back pain is bothering him. He's isolating himself (not responding to my mother's increasingly desperate emails). Two weeks ago at a public event I was approached by the same guy who had talked to us at Easter, asking if I had heard from my brother because he's been trying to get in touch with him and can't reach him. Brother posted on Facebook that he's listening to music from the "old days" and crying. I don't KNOW that he's drinking again, but you do the math.

My brother has shown he cannot/will not manage his own life. I believe he is going to die of this disease. Although I love him very much, I want to cut ties with him, because I can't help him and he won't help himself and I don't want to watch him die. The problem is that while he's in this area (small town), I can't avoid being affected by his problems -- hearing from people like the guy above, dealing with businesses he's stiffed, etc. And I can't leave the area because I'm caring for my mother, have a job and a house, etc.

My mother is very stressed about this, but we respond differently. She'd rather know what's going on, while I'd love to avoid it completely. I don't go on Facebook because I'm afraid of what I'll see there. I don't go to places where I might see someone who knows something. I can't even go in the local convenience store, because there's a woman working there that he used while he was drinking the last time. I don't want my life to be about my brother's problems, but I can't seem to escape them. I'm becoming a recluse in an effort to keep from having to deal with this.

I've tried going to Al-Anon, but find it only increases my depression and anxiety to hear so many stories of others dealing with this same crap for years and years and years and years ... Have tried counseling, but can't afford it on an ongoing basis.

The holidays are coming around again -- they have been a nightmare for the past several years, as brother always dominates the season: my mom always feels she has to ask him to join us. If he doesn't show up (and he won't), we're all be upset.

Don't know that there's really a point to this post. Just needed to vent, I guess. :a108:c020: ]]> Friends and Family of Alcoholics SadLittleSister http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/friends-family-alcoholics/188946-wishing-i-could-cut-ties.html http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/friends-family-alcoholics/188944-anxious.html Fri, 20 Nov 2009 14:48:28 GMT I'm cleaning my house today. Lord knows I've put it aside for so long. Clothes are hanging out of drawers, laundry is for the most part piled up, slip cover really needs to be washed too.

I put some clothes away a bit ago and found a bunch of xabf's stuff in a drawer. Just a couple changes of clothes for when he stayed the night here last. I choked back tears, went into the bathroom to pick it up and looked in the mirror. I have his name tattooed to be my neck and it stood out like it never has before. I'm wearing a silver chain he gave me a few years ago because he couldn't afford a ring. I also have the ring on my finger from two years ago when he finally bought one. I look at all these things and I should be sad. But I'm not. It's actually anger I'm feeling. I'm just not sure if I'm angry at him or at myself.

Every time I hear a car door slam my heart stops for a split second. I've already quietly crawled across my bed to peer out the window twice this morning, see if there was a car in my driveway.

The last time I went no contact he showed up 3 days later. It's been 5 days this time. With nothing. But I know him. This isn't like him. I want to relax and tell myself he FINALLY accepted that it's over between us and the fight to keep me has stopped. I want to feel like I can move on without wondering if he's going to show up behind me, follow my every move. But I know the minute I take that deep breath and let out all the built up stress and anxiety he's going to show up and I'm going to freeze. Not be prepared for it. Not sure what to do, what to say. I'm trying to stay strong, without letting thoughts have control over me, but it's not easy.

I keep making this mental plan of action. I even wrote down last night how I could respond to his questions (sad when you can be ready to answer a question before it's been asked--because you've gotten so used to the same ole same ole questions you expect them). I thought about just writing a letter. If he shows up I can just hand it to him and send him on his way.

But I think what's stopping me is that I just don't want to be involved anymore. It's what has me anxious too.

Had the dog outside. She very rarely barks. She was just barking her head off. Third time crawling across the bed to the window. Nothing.

I've got a lot to do around here. But I think I'm just going to remove myself for awhile this afternoon. I need to get out of here. I have a lot of paperwork I need to do, should have done two weeks ago. I'm pretty sure the park has a picnic table. ]]> Friends and Family of Alcoholics kv816 http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/friends-family-alcoholics/188944-anxious.html http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/friends-family-alcoholics/188938-ah-remembering-childhood-abuse.html Fri, 20 Nov 2009 12:37:48 GMT This happened yesterday. it was heartwrenching, yet I"m SO clear that it's not my job to help him.

He was angry with my MIL who has thrown out his father because (she confidentially disclosed to me) she found years worth of cheating and porn. Some teen porn. I told him he's lucky if his father never tells him the real reason why she threw him out and from that he guessed why. Then he called me sobbing about an hour later saying both his parents were sicko's and why didn't he see this before?

In fact, he acknowledged that one of the reasons he's remembering these horrible things is because I have "left him emotionally" and he no longer has me to focus on and take the brunt of his BS.

So now he's faced with himself. And the truth about his childhood. Their perfect family --on the outside--was not. I've known that since I met him 14 years ago.

I did stay on the phone with him while he cried and told me the memories. I too suffer from childhood sexual abuse and so I know what those are like. Validated him, told him that he's not making up the memories, that they;re real. They are ugly too. Both parents were in appropriate. Not surprising to me. It all fits perfectly into why his family is so jacked up and actually helped me understand wtf is wrong with his family. The disconnect.

I didn't recommend he find counceling, just listened horrified and told him I was sorry. I 'm glad to have done it. Now it's his job how he deals with it. He sees his alcoholism in a different light, but I do not expect at all for him to seek treatment. I don't expect anything, except for him to continue to be jeckyl and hyde, continue to drink and spiral downward.

I"m also grateful for this information because my children will never be alone with that man --FIL. Never.

To be honest, considering the abuse we've both endured, my AH and I do remarkably well. Yes, his drinking has damaged the kids, as has my PTSD, but we have clear sexual boundaries (ugh) where as we were both sexually abused. We love our children and have broken some of the chains of the cycle at least.

Just praying for AH today, putting him in HP hands where he belongs..grateful grateful for another day clothed in human skin.. ]]> Friends and Family of Alcoholics transformyself http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/friends-family-alcoholics/188938-ah-remembering-childhood-abuse.html http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/friends-family-alcoholics/188937-has-happen.html Fri, 20 Nov 2009 12:07:33 GMT I received a text message late last night from XH stating the following:

"Considering your recent actions, I no longer trust you to be around K (stepson). His mother and I agree on this. Should you contact him in any way, we will take legal action."

I'm beyond sad. I know this is a ploy, a hurtful tactic to get to me because I didn't give him what he wanted, but it still hurts. I do in fact have no legal rights to my stepson and if his father wants to cut me out of his life, I can't stop it.

I guess I didn't expect this to come so soon.

I'm at a loss as to what to do next...write to the mother? ]]> Friends and Family of Alcoholics nodaybut2day http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/friends-family-alcoholics/188937-has-happen.html http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/friends-family-alcoholics/188931-boyfriend-relapsed-he-going-become-drinker-again.html Fri, 20 Nov 2009 08:43:35 GMT Are there symptoms if someone who might start a life of drinking again? Is acting like a relapse is no big deal one of them? And is blaming the other person, or just life in general for the relapse... Are there symptoms if someone who might start a life of drinking again? Is acting like a relapse is no big deal one of them? And is blaming the other person, or just life in general for the relapse healthy? I've never been to an AA meeting. I don't know very much about recovery. I only know how to protect myself from alcoholics, and that's normally to stay away from them.

Now that I've spent the last 4 night with under 4 hours of sleep each night, I think it might be time for me to post.

About me: I'm an adult child of an alcoholic; I'm almost 40. The misery of being "raised" by an alcoholic has prevented me from ever dating one - I was forced to live that life as a child because I was a child. But I would never choose that life for myself.

After years of counseling and just time itself, I've learned to let go of anger. But the hurt remains. That probably never goes away. I think we just learn to live with it and block it out. But, like white noise, if someone calls attention to it, or something triggers it, it's loud and clear.

Anyway, what I'm saying is, I know the horrific road of being in the life of an alcoholic. I've done my time on it. I don't want anymore, ever EVER again.

About him: I knew my current boyfriend before he was an alcoholic. I don't know his alcohol personality (there are always two right, the real person and that other person they become). He was young, athletic, funny and full of happiness. We were the best of friends and inseparable. Never dated. I moved away, and 17 years later, we found each other again. It was like we'd never been apart. I was so happy to have him in my life again. We've been dating since we first saw each other again - 5 months now.

In the time we were apart, I worked hard to have a normal, quiet life. Made it through college. Have a nice career. Learned how to form healthy relationships and live where I've always wanted, in a safe, peaceful, place of my own.

My boyfriend's path was different. He drank for 15 years. Got 5 DUI's, has been in two horrible car accidents (has the scarred face to prove it), lost all his friends, his home, his family won't speak to him, spent time in jail, etc.

When I found him, he'd been two years sober, he's in college, he's super healthy, and he's building a wonderful life. His personality is the same as when I saw him last. Learning what he'd been through and where he's at, I'm so so proud of him. I felt so much faith in him and really trusted him.

I thought he would never drink again. I really believed it. I know a few alcoholics who've been sober over 15 and 20 years. In speaking to my boyfriend, I believed he was the same.

The relapse: We fought the other day. He decided to go home and drink. When he drinks, he loses his mind and keeps drinking until he's passed out. It's ugly. I was worried, so I did the typically codependent thing and drove to his place to stop him from doing too much damage. I found him staggering in the street in front of his apartment, yelling at strangers, waving an open container of beer around. I think, "So this crazy person is my 'other' boyfriend". The only way I could get him in my car was to say I would take him to a bar (ya, I lied). I took him back to my place and kept him from drinking anymore (this was no easy task; I'm sure you can all imagine the chaotic evening).

The next morning he was angry at me for picking him up. I let him know that was the one and only time I would intervene. I made him take the bus home (1.5 hour trip).

This is getting long. I'm really sorry.

The problem: I don't trust him anymore. I cannot choose a life with a drinker. I can't do it. He keeps minimizing it, saying it will never happen again and it's no big deal. I said that I'd always worry now - if we get in a fight, he might drink; if life gets hard, he might drink, etc. I wasn't worried before. I truly believed in him. That he minimizes it scares me even more.

I think, if I stay with him, he'll know he can drink, and I won't leave. No consequences. If I leave, he'll know that he'll always lose something when he drinks. But then, he's learned and I've lost him.

I just really thought we'd be together forever. I thought I could lean on him and believe in him. That feels ruined. I'm missing him horribly right now. This happened Sunday night. After 3 hours of sleep, I had to go to work and run a meeting that I wasn't prepared for. I felt and looked horrible. That's life with a drinker. I know that life. I won't live that life.

He promises he won't drink again. But at the same time, he's not really taking responsibility. He talks about it like it shouldn't scare me and like it's just a little mistake, no biggie. He even said, "you're making it a way bigger deal than it is." I dunno, maybe I've gotten a little square in my old age, but waving an open container around on a busy city street and then later pissing your pants is a big deal.

I asked why he didn't tell me he might drink. He said because we were fighting. I thought we were closer than that, that if things really got bad, he'd tell me. It's the ultimate power move, "you'd better not pressure me, or I might drink."

I'm rambling. We talked on the phone yesterday - argued really. I told him I don't trust him anymore. He said calmly, "Oh you will. You'll see."

I'd appreciate any thoughts or advice. I really feel like leaving is my only option, but that's such a heartbreaker.

Current status
Him: I know he went to a meeting two days ago.
Me: I'm having trouble sleeping. I wouldn't talk to him today because my stress level is through the roof. This has brought up a lot of feelings from childhood that I really don't want to be going through again.
:inbed ]]> Friends and Family of Alcoholics KeepPedaling http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/friends-family-alcoholics/188931-boyfriend-relapsed-he-going-become-drinker-again.html http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/friends-family-alcoholics/188927-sad.html Fri, 20 Nov 2009 07:05:37 GMT So... here is what's going on.

He went to a detox or acute setting rehab... those are his words. He called me from there. After getting the heroin out his system (replaced by methadone), he was supposed to transfer to a nicer 90 day program.

But- (this is all what he told me...)they cannot prescribe methadone at that 90 day program and he is dependent on that. This doesn't make sense to me... is that even possible? Anyway, he went back to his dad's house (because he lost any other options due to his addiction...) to get a prescription... so now... because the rehab needs him not to be dependent on methadone (supposedly) ...he has to ween off the methadone using an outpatient methadone maintaince. Then in a couple days he will go back to the 90 day program.

This is all seems fishy to me. Part of me thinks this is just another lie and ploy to not go to rehab. What's the deal? Although... I do know he is at his father's house who knows of his problem and wants to help.

What do you guys think? I have pretty much no experience with this sort of thing before this current situation.

Also, today has been a very hard day for me. I never got to say goodbye to him... and he is just suddenly out of my life... and so are the drugs. I have to admit that i would use with him recreationally every once in a while. But- i never developed a problem. I have gone months without touching it even though he was using numerous times a day every single day. I'm just one of those people that can use recreationally and not become addicted. I have not used since he left. BUT- because I am having such a terrible day, i just want to get high. I miss him. I feel like my life has been completely changed. I've been ripped out of my comfort zone. He was always there... now my mother has flown in from switzerland and is staying with me until december (which i am really happy about because otherwise ...i dont know) and then taking me back to switzerland... i just feel like everything has gone so fast...and i just want it all to go back to normal eventhough i know i was in a poisonous situation. I've lost my friends because i was too blind to see what they were trying to tell me... I get very lonely. I feel like im in this alone. I just want him by my side... i know he needs to get better...im so scared for this dramatic change in my life. Not only his absence but also... the different lifestyle...the new expectations...moving back to switzerland... new environment...having to start over...

It's all so scary right now. On top of all that... (my mom left to LA for a couple of days)...Ive just spent tonite...bored...at home...in a small apartment...the one that i watched him shoot up H in... so i had a moment of weakness and called his old dealer...who didnt pick up...and hasnt called back and wont...but im disapointed in myself... because if i could i would have gotten high.

And now I have anxiety, which means falling asleep will be soo hard...and thats all i want to do is be asleep.


sorry for the word vomit. Im just a big ole mess right now. ]]> Friends and Family of Alcoholics alwayswaiting http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/friends-family-alcoholics/188927-sad.html http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/friends-family-alcoholics/188923-do-not-answer-phone-doh.html Fri, 20 Nov 2009 06:24:37 GMT I just do not know when I will learn. I have contacted my old Al Anon group, started seeing a therapist who has experience with addiction issues, as well as children in addictive families, I have... I just do not know when I will learn. I have contacted my old Al Anon group, started seeing a therapist who has experience with addiction issues, as well as children in addictive families, I have begun to write, am painting, getting ready to move...playing some music again...

Then the phone rings at 1145pm, and I know better, but I answer.

He is asking what it would take for him to come home, even though he knows this was all my fault, that he left me.
I said we would need to have a mediator or therapist. That he would have to consider treatment. I said I was concerned about his recent behavior.

He was normal, and reasonable, and kind of sweet and then, BAM Mr Hyde burst in, and he flipped.

He said he would talk to me on Saturday, I said I worked, and that his mom had our son that day, but she would probably arrange to meet him if he wanted to spend time w/ child.

He just switched, voice changed, said, " F you, I WILL see my son. I know what your doing. I can see right through you..."

I said why do you even think anyone is trying to keep your son from you? Its just not true.

He said, "because you are no good."

I excused myself from the phone call, and hung up.

Why cant I learn? What is wrong with my brain? ]]> Friends and Family of Alcoholics Buffalo66 http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/friends-family-alcoholics/188923-do-not-answer-phone-doh.html http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/friends-family-alcoholics/188917-why.html Fri, 20 Nov 2009 03:56:06 GMT Why do I love this man who has destroyed my heart time and again over 7 years? I have stayed away from him as best I could since we have children together but last week I opened up only to have him... Why do I love this man who has destroyed my heart time and again over 7 years? I have stayed away from him as best I could since we have children together but last week I opened up only to have him disappear for two days. And then somehow its my fault??? He ranted and raved at me that I am too paranoid and too negative. My problem is I know exactly what he is doing and it is only a matter of time before he gets put back in jail for good. I know I should not care after what he has put me through but I love him and he is the father of my children. His mother wants to get him help but I don't think you can help someone who won't admit he has a problem. What to do?? ]]> Friends and Family of Alcoholics caringex http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/friends-family-alcoholics/188917-why.html http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/friends-family-alcoholics/188902-somewhat-bleh-moment.html Thu, 19 Nov 2009 23:19:06 GMT I'm sitting here at work, and I'm doing well, right? I feel like so far, this week's gone good. It really helps that I'm not in constant every-day contact with my exahbf, but I have this pang of "holy crap, I really miss him," all of a sudden.

Let me rephrase: I miss the guy that I used to know.

Sometimes I have a hard time controlling thoughts like, "I wonder if he ever thinks about me the way I still think about him sometimes?" Or maybe, "Why does he blame he and I's incompatibilities on the downfall of our relationship?"

How can a guy, who's pretty smart, who knows he's got a problem, who freely admits he's an alcoholic, actually tell this amazing woman (i.e. me) that the reason we ended things was because of our "incompatibilities"? He comes as far as admitting he's got a problem with booze, and then can't even really admit the reason he broke up w/ me is because he didn't want to quit drinking in two weeks, like he'd promised himself and me? It pisses me off, and it's just so unfair. You know the crap he talks about is how toxic we both are for eachother, how we fight all the time - does he not see the reasons we fight are solely based around his drinking? I was around him for a week in the woods, with him stone cold sober, going through DTs. We never argued once, heh. When he's drunk, though, he likes to pick fights. He's looking for an argument to catch me hook, line, and sinker. I wonder if he does that because he wants to push me away?

** So I just re-read what I type and I'm mad that I even care. :\ Meh. ** ]]> Friends and Family of Alcoholics grrl77 http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/friends-family-alcoholics/188902-somewhat-bleh-moment.html http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/friends-family-alcoholics/188900-alcoholic-magnet.html Thu, 19 Nov 2009 22:43:31 GMT So, it has been a couple months since I posted. Last time I was on here, I was dealing with huge guilt issues over divorcing my RAH, since the divorce was filed before he went into rehab. The... So, it has been a couple months since I posted. Last time I was on here, I was dealing with huge guilt issues over divorcing my RAH, since the divorce was filed before he went into rehab.

The last 4 months of my life, have been anything but normal, healthy and chaos free.

Shortly after I filed for divorce, I met a man who had recently divorced after a lengthy marriage. He pursued me, and I was pretty hard core, not trusting anyone. Anyways, we seemed to hit it off well. Too well, I suppose. There were a few red flags along the way, like we seriously discussed alcohol, and I told him I had no tolerance for it, ever to be around my children. He agreed to the same. He seemed to be a very happy care free type of guy. As our friendship grew, I guess we became more comfortable with each other. He started changing from that happy guy, who had no resentments about his divorce, into this very bitter person. Constantly claiming his ex had a drinking problem. There is a ton more to this story, but as it ends up, this guy too has a bit of a drinking problem. He had told me that previously he did, but didn't anymore. As life took its turns, I have seen him struggle with his own decisions in life, blame everyone else for everything, and turn to alcohol and slowly shut me out.

The entire time this friendship/relationship was going on, I was living with my RAH, who I was divorcing. He knew the situation, and for 2 months, absolutely supported everything I did. He was determined to win back his wife. He became my best friend again for awhile.

Anyways, all of this came to a huge disaster in the last month. The friendship/relationship fell apart with the other guy, because he was not exerting any energy on us, went from telling me he loved me, to ignoring me on a daily basis. I ended up finally telling the guy he clearly has a drinking problem, and that I have higher expectations from my friends, then what he is willing to meet. He was not happy, and although I am pretty sure he is an alcoholic, I suppose it wasn't my place to label him.

In the meantime my divorce is final. I have moved with my children. I am starting school for the spring semester. AND XRAH and I are trying to make a go of it again. We have BOTH done some absolutely horrible things to each other. We BOTH need to focus on our programs, and learn how to get out of the past, and work on a future.

So the other guy told me I was harsh and unstable. I guess he was right. I am highly unstable, when I look back over the past 4 months of my life.

Why does it seem that I am constantly surrounded by alcoholics? Do I attract them? Why is it that I can see the red flags a waving, yet rationalize that its not a flag, and dismiss them?

I have started going back to AA meetings and Al Anon meetings, as that is what I need to help me stay focused and working on ME.

I want to start going to some coda meetings but can't seem to find any in the area, I am still looking for those.

Why is it that I can look into anyone and everyone elses life and give them the right answer and tell them how to resolve their issues, yet in my own, I struggle?

It is like I am just not happy unless I am unhappy. LOL. Well, really it is not funny. It is sad. I was doing so well.

Ok, anyways, back to working on me. Does anyone know of anything I can do, read, or any meetings I can go to, to help address my relationship issue with starting over with the Ex recovering alcoholic husband in my life?

Anyone have any luck with this? We both have set some seriously strong boundaries, and at this point neither one of us really trust the other. We are attending MC weekly, and do attend AA meetings together when he isn't working.

What a mess, huh! :wtf2 ]]> Friends and Family of Alcoholics aboutdone http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/friends-family-alcoholics/188900-alcoholic-magnet.html http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/friends-family-alcoholics/188893-i-cant-face-him.html Thu, 19 Nov 2009 20:23:39 GMT Mediation begins in 1 hour and 45 minutes. With each passing minute, I feel more and more queasy, nauseous and unsettled. I've tried my best to breathe, keep calm, focus on other things, but deep down inside, I'm truly petrified to face my X. I've seen him a handful of times since I left, and things were cordial though strained. But tonight, we're going to discuss what I consider to be of the utmost importancem and so my emotions are running all over the place...scared, panicky, desperate...did I mention scared??

I've often felt this way whenever I had to have a confrontation with him. It used to shock me when we were first together how ANGRY he could get, and how MEAN he could be. The words he'd spit out at me--perfectly targetted, would send me reeling. I'd try to fight back, sometimes shout back, but always end up on my proverbial backside, feeling like less than dirt, unworthy even to cry. What if I end up like that tonight? What if I can't fight or say a thing to defend myself? I've almost forgotten what a real fight with him can be like, but I need to be like a superlawyer if I'm going to get what I want!

Help! ]]> Friends and Family of Alcoholics nodaybut2day http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/friends-family-alcoholics/188893-i-cant-face-him.html