http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/ 12 Step program-(Nar Anon)- for all who love someone who is addicted to drugs, whether they have admitted a problem or not. Discuss coping tools, and learn basic recovery techniques for you, not the addict, through the 12 Steps. Sat, 21 Nov 2009 03:14:58 GMT vBulletin 60 http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/images/misc/rss.jpg http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/ http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/friends-family-substance-abusers/188986-done-him.html Sat, 21 Nov 2009 02:19:47 GMT I'm new to this site, but have been reading other posts and looking for help and guidance on here.

I have learned from this site that I am a codependent. I never even knew what that word meant or that it was ME! But I know now and I'm reading Codependent No more and it has helped.

Anyway...I have been dating someone for a year. We moved in together 3 months ago when he supposedly quit using METH and wanted to start a life with me. Well the first 2 months were GREAT! We were so happy...at least I thought we were. Maybe he truly was not. He started using again a month ago. It has torn me apart from the inside. I can't stand it and I don't want to live with it...

I have been angry, sad, depressed and everything in between in the past month. Had my first major panic attack 3 days after he started and ended up in the ER. I am NUMB now and don't really care or feel anything about him anymore. That is what is so sad, because you hear them saying they love you, but you (or at least me) can't love them back all because of the DRUG and what it does to them and your life.

I have asked him to leave 3 times and he always sweet talks himself into not leaving or whatever. I came home tonight from work and was hoping he was not even here. Friday nights are his usual "gotta go get more stuff night". Well...he did he left to get some more stuff. Little does he know that I will be telling him to leave AGAIN tomorrow but more serious this time and a timeline of when to be out.

I can't live like this and WILL not live like this. It is so hard though when they sweet talk you or tell you they will quit or tell you if you were more understanding it would be easier to quit...its a vicious cycle and a cycle that I'm getting off of NOW....Thanks to everyone on here that has helped me SEE and open my eyes!!!:thanks

Thanks for listening...I just needed to VENT and tell my story ]]> Friends and Family of Substance Abusers tchappy http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/friends-family-substance-abusers/188986-done-him.html http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/friends-family-substance-abusers/188965-help.html Fri, 20 Nov 2009 18:21:10 GMT I love this guy whom I met 2mths ago. We have great chemistry. He was on alcohol and cocaine but now has been clean for 1 year plus. He attends AA meetings regularly. Ok the thing is he also has... I love this guy whom I met 2mths ago. We have great chemistry. He was on alcohol and cocaine but now has been clean for 1 year plus. He attends AA meetings regularly.
Ok the thing is he also has other issues. One of them is his bad reputation with girls. He's been sued before for sexual harassment and slept with quite a handful in his wild party days. But I don't mind all these and also the fact that he was a recent divorcee.

2 weeks ago, he said he wanted me to stay away from him after a flirting incident. I saw him responding to the flirting from another gal at a club. He even brought that girl to his house at her requests and totally ignored my feelings and presence. Being a little drunk and very upset, I yelled at him and couldn't remember much details later. The next morning, he said that I was a bad influence on him and he almost wanted to touch alcohol the night before. I asked for another chance. He seemed resolute not to. But 2 days later, he called and we were back together again, meeting almost everyday like before.

However, now our relationship is casual according to him but it's not, since we make love often and see each other almost every day. He said he cannot commit and will not since he's not stable. Yet he behaves intimately with me.

I am torn. Does he love me at all? Is he worth hanging around with? I feel like I am at his mercy. Please advise:( ]]> Friends and Family of Substance Abusers yuki http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/friends-family-substance-abusers/188965-help.html http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/friends-family-substance-abusers/188949-not-my-problem-anymore.html Fri, 20 Nov 2009 15:21:49 GMT I just needed to vent a little and hopefully get some words of wisdom from you all. Even in divorce my AH still calls trying to suck me back in with those sweet words we all want to believe. I know... I just needed to vent a little and hopefully get some words of wisdom from you all. Even in divorce my AH still calls trying to suck me back in with those sweet words we all want to believe. I know deep down I am thinking I must do this because I am the "love of his life" ha meth is the love of his life. He is in jail, on wed the judge in my child support case put him there, and yet he continues to try to call. For some reason it is incredibly difficult for me not to take the calls but I have not so far. I know its that feeling oh if I just help him pull out of it he will see what he has lost but after 8 long years back and forth perhaps enough is enough? I know you all know the strength of emotional blackmail and let me tell you if he were making money at that he would be a millionaire! Trying to stay busy and not answer that dang phone but what to do when he gets out, with children together I have to talk to him and my resistance is weak at best I talk a big game but almost always let him break me down only for more hurt. I plan on telling him when he gets out that it is not about any "us" anymore but I can say that until you want help and get it you will not see your boys I refuse to let them watch him unravel all over again. Any advice? ]]> Friends and Family of Substance Abusers caringex http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/friends-family-substance-abusers/188949-not-my-problem-anymore.html http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/friends-family-substance-abusers/188915-i-saw-holiday-trees-out-stomach-sank.html Fri, 20 Nov 2009 03:00:32 GMT What do you do to prepare for holidays when you've just asked your son to leave and you don't know where he is, when he'll come home and if he will be using and/or show up unannounced.

I cannot imagine not including him in our plans and celebrations and yet I have dread in the pit of my stomach at the thought of what it could mean to have him join us. The idea of a family without a beloved member just makes me feel torn into.

I know I'm suppose to focus on today but I felt such a pang when I saw the holiday tent filled with trees I just couldn't seem to get past feeling sorry for myself and my family for the state we are in at the moment. I hate this sooo much. I miss my old life. It's not been even a year of battling this but I just long to feel that old sense of comfort at the thought of all my loved ones safe and happy under one roof. :cries: ]]> Friends and Family of Substance Abusers LeeRoy http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/friends-family-substance-abusers/188915-i-saw-holiday-trees-out-stomach-sank.html http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/friends-family-substance-abusers/188911-what-let-down.html Fri, 20 Nov 2009 02:16:15 GMT Well, yesterday was my son's 47th birthday. I had spoken to him all week and, of course, have been so happy with him. He was funny and charming, and everything I could ask for these past months.

Yesterday he was going to come over for his birthday dinner with the gf, but then they decided we would just celebrate this on Thanksgiving. I can't tell you how I've been looking forward to that expecting him to look great again.

Last night, however, I got a call from the gf telling me that he went out and, was with a guy that is not only an alcoholic but a drug user as well. She also told me he had lost 8 pounds because he hasn't been eating and is constatnly doing something. Bad sign!! I was sick because I hadn't a clue that things weren't going well. I spoke with him almost every day and he sounded great!! She also sounded happy.

I called him on his cell, and he didn't answer. Finally he did call me back and said not to worry, he was fine and just hanging out with his "friend". I told him I knew about his friend, and hopefully he was going to make good choices. I also asked him about the weight loss. He made some excuse, but I came out and said "we both know what the problem is!"


Long story short, the gf said he couldn't come back to her house. She called me while he was there picking up his stuff and she asked me if he could stay with me for a couple of weeks while they work things out. I said, NO, sorry. She said he didn't ask, it was she that was asking. I had already told him he couldn't come to our home because he was back on drugs, and I knew it!

I told her two weeks isn't going to change a thing. Think about it, nothing has changed in the past 10 years, so what's the magic about 2 weeks. Anyway, got off the phone and cried and cried, but did not give in. I don't know what the outcome was whether she allowed him to stay or what, but Mr. Dev said I did the right thing by not giving him an out.

I also told him not to call me again unless he had good news!

He is still on parole 'cause he didn't finish paying his restitution and cannot get off until he does. Therefore, the parole officer should know all this, but I'll leave that up to them. This parole officer gave him wayyyy too much rope. He never gets tested only has to fill out papers and send them in every four months. DUH!

I was going to call the PO, but Mr Dev said not to.

Sorry about the long book, but have I ever been able to say anything in just a couple of sentences??

Hugs, Devastated ]]> Friends and Family of Substance Abusers devastated http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/friends-family-substance-abusers/188911-what-let-down.html http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/friends-family-substance-abusers/188904-addiction-claims-another-soul.html Thu, 19 Nov 2009 23:48:55 GMT Today is a very sad day. Addiction has claimed a young mans life. His name was Brett. He was 23 years old. He was my kids best friend. He might as well have been my own son. He was in my home... Today is a very sad day. Addiction has claimed a young mans life. His name was Brett. He was 23 years old. He was my kids best friend. He might as well have been my own son. He was in my home more than his own sometimes. He always called my daughter his baby sis. My sons, his brothers.

He had a baby six weeks ago. He was shot this morning a 3am.

He kept trying to quit even tried to check into a rehab but was turned away.

He had a heart of gold.

His mom is having a breakdown tonight. She needs your prayers, the whole family does.

He died without the people that loved him there. I hope he knows how much he is loved and missed.

He was shot trying to steal some gas from a shed. Please lord forgive him for that. ]]> Friends and Family of Substance Abusers frankly http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/friends-family-substance-abusers/188904-addiction-claims-another-soul.html http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/friends-family-substance-abusers/188899-cant-keep-doing.html Thu, 19 Nov 2009 22:28:36 GMT Hi everyone
I'm a relative newcomer but I've been reading other posts and it helps to see others are going through this to.
I just can't get my AS out of our home. He is supposedly waiting on a call back to get into a rehab, but he has lied to me so much that I don't believe anything he tells me anymore. He was in jail recently for not paying a traffic fine, I thought that would be a great chance to get clean, but they let him out after only three days.
I am the world's worst enabler and he is the best manipulator. Today, he has been calling and texting me all day asking for $20. He is sounding very suicidal and making those types of innuendoes. Doesn't want to live anymore, just trying to get through one more day, etc. I always give in then hate myself afterward.
My finances and self esteem are shot. I have been to a few al-anon meetings, but he is doing this on a daily basis and it's wearing me down.

I have read other posts of ex addicts that say they didn't get better until their families turned their backs on them. Why am I having such a hard time doing this when I know deep down it's the right thing to do?

I appreciate you all. Thank you. ]]> Friends and Family of Substance Abusers pray4serenity http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/friends-family-substance-abusers/188899-cant-keep-doing.html http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/friends-family-substance-abusers/188896-turned-him-over.html Thu, 19 Nov 2009 20:58:21 GMT I was riding in the car with my rabf, B. when he, once again, brought up my delinquent 16-year-old son. He asked me, for about the hundredth time, "Do you think he will ever finish highschool?" and told me "He was late to class again yesterday, you know that, don't you?" B. constantly brings this child up to me, always reminding me "I started out like him, and I don't want your son getting into the trouble I got into!"

I was all set to have another argument about my son, yet again, with B, complete with reasons why I hope he'll turn things around as he matures, when I had a breakthrough:

I told him calmly "You know, I did my third step, and my son is one of the people that I had to turn over to my God. I pray for him every day. But I raised him right, with values and every advantage. So it's up to him now to make good choices. He's not a baby anymore. I just pray, and provide appropriate limits for a teen, refuse to rescue him when he screws up, and get on with the business of my own life. It feels really good to have grown spiritually. But B., you are trying to pick this son up from God, and place him and his burdens on my back again. Why are you doing that?"

It finally got through to him. He said "You may be right. I don't know why I do that. I just want him to be happy. But you can't make it all work out for him, anymore than my mom could for me. He has to do it for himself." Yay! :c011:He finally understands. Hopefully, we won't have to have that conversation again!

Love,
KJ ]]> Friends and Family of Substance Abusers kj3880 http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/friends-family-substance-abusers/188896-turned-him-over.html http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/friends-family-substance-abusers/188883-world-without-you.html Thu, 19 Nov 2009 17:56:35 GMT A World Without You In dreams I see your face Hear you laugh or Talk with you a while In dreams time has no place You are a child again No tears or sadness - just a smile A World Without You

In dreams I see your face
Hear you laugh or
Talk with you a while

In dreams time has no place
You are a child again
No tears or sadness - just a smile

Reality sets in when I awake
Time stands still
The hours are never through

I trudge through days that take
forever to be done
I long to sleep once more
Perhaps to dream of you

Dreams are my escape now
Escape from pain and emptiness
From grief and tears and sorrow

My nightmare begins anew
Each day when I awake
To a world without you...

Love you all
Maggiemac

Jason Joseph McAnany
10-8-69
died of herion overdose 11-19-08 ]]> Friends and Family of Substance Abusers Maggiemac http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/friends-family-substance-abusers/188883-world-without-you.html http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/friends-family-substance-abusers/188879-i-think-i-did-wrong.html Thu, 19 Nov 2009 16:42:07 GMT ok, i'm not with my ah since about 2yrs ago, he got arrested a couple days ago and the courts called me for verification of his address. i then called his mom who he is staying with because i know she worries when he don't show up and would want to know.

she is disgusted with him, says she don't understand why he continues down the path he's on because she says that with her, he has everything he needs, plenty of food, roof over his head with a warm bed and cigs(no job), (her exact words).

she says that all he needs to do is commit to turning his life over to god and she thinks she is doing what god wants her to do by committing to provide his basic needs.

well all that is good and i do believe he has to turn his life over to the care of god but he's has to somehow get to that place. she compares his route to what she thinks was mine but i had to get to that point too and she can't understand how i got there, that my family let me fall and to find my own way up. its her choice but i couldn't help but tell her what i thought about what she is saying even though she wants to convince me that her way is a better way. it maybe but i just don't see it working very well.

with love, i just out and out told her that i think she was not helping him, that she was hurting him and that i just didn't want to have to end up buring him. i just didn't want to continue to hear what i think is helping him to his grave. i think she got angry at me so i hurried off the phone before she could go on to hurt my feeling like she is known to do.

i also tried to explain to her that in the past, every time she didn't have a home for him to run to, he did better, he went to rehab, worked his program and kept a job but as soon as shefound a home for herself, he would go right back to using and living with her. he's 50yrs old.

i tried to explain to her how this was not about me and my feelings, how in the past i would get angry because she wants to enable him, but not now. i only want to help knowing that there is not much i can do other than share my experience as a ra. even though she's never been addicted to anything, she still thinks she knows what is best for her son and nephew. she provides for them both and i know she can hardly provide for herself.

i don't know what is best for anyone but i do believe that as long as she is happy to provide all their needs, they don't have much of a reason to want to stop using. i didn't mean to hurt her feelings or be disrespectful but i had to get off the phone and not listen to how much she believes god wants her to continue to provide for them. i think shes helping them to their graves and i have a hard time listening to her theory so i quickly told her that i had to go and that i would call her back.

it really hurts me to know that imo, she still just don't get it. i've invited her to alanon yrs ago but she just don't believe that is an answer for her. now i feel that maybe i was out of line by even trying to explain to her my esp being a ra and my opinion about her actions. what do you think? how badly did i cross the line?

sorry this is so long but i needed a little relief here. he's in jail and in a good place, i think. at least he can't steal, damage anybody else property or isn't dead. if you read this far, thanks. ]]> Friends and Family of Substance Abusers teke http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/friends-family-substance-abusers/188879-i-think-i-did-wrong.html http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/friends-family-substance-abusers/188870-language-letting-go-nov-19-accepting-our-feelings.html Thu, 19 Nov 2009 11:48:52 GMT You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go *Accepting Our Feelings* Why do we struggle so with our feelings? Why do we work so hard to deny our emotions, especially concerning... You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go

Accepting Our Feelings

Why do we struggle so with our feelings? Why do we work so hard to deny our emotions, especially concerning other people? They are only feelings!

In the course of a day, we may deny we feel frustrated in reaction to someone who is selling us a service.

We may deny that we feel frustrated, angry, or hurt in reaction to a friend.

We may deny feelings of fear, or anger, toward our children.

We may deny a whole range of feelings toward our spouse or the person with whom we're in a love relationship.

We may deny feelings provoked by people we work for, or by people who work for us.

Sometimes the feelings are a direct reaction to others. Sometimes people trigger something deeper - an old sadness or frustration.

Regardless of the source of our feelings, they are still our feelings. We own them. And acceptance is often all that is necessary to make them go away.

We don't have to let our feelings control our behavior. We don't have to act on each feeling that passes through us. We do not need to indulge in inappropriate behavior.

It does help to talk about our feelings with someone we trust. Sometimes we need to bring our feelings to the person who is triggering them. That can breed intimacy and closeness. But the most important person we need to tell is ourselves. If we allow our feelings to pass through us, accept them, and release them, we shall know what to do next.

Today, I will remember that feelings are an important part of my life. I will be open to my feelings in family life, in friendships, in love, and at work. I will feel my feelings without judging myself.

From The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie ©1990, Hazelden Foundation. ]]> Friends and Family of Substance Abusers Ann http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/friends-family-substance-abusers/188870-language-letting-go-nov-19-accepting-our-feelings.html http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/friends-family-substance-abusers/188853-changed-locks.html Thu, 19 Nov 2009 00:34:01 GMT Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me! Long story short, when AD left my home to go to shelter, than back to h, I neglected to get the key back **sigh**

Here's the kicker.........AD called me to inform me that she had done something really bad, she had come into my home & taken jewellry (which I thought I had hidden pretty well.....guess not well enough) Asked me not to call the cops, said I would get back b/4 xmas. I responded yea right! (couldn't help myself) I then went on to say that I did not want to see her or hear from her until she had her life straightened out. I told her to remember that I love her and will pray for her, however I can not take it anymore. We hung up.....then I realized that she still has a key....sh!t, I call back & her friend gives me a story how a program friend demanded that she give him the key, whatever.

I hung up, called that person & left a msg. never did hear back.

I called a program friend, who said who knows how many keys are out there, you could be wiped out! Change the locks. I ran to the local hardware store & got new locks. After about 2 hours of anger, frustration, and some tears, I finally had one lock changed b/4 dh got home from work. (that was after 9 pm) Unfortunately, I had put part of the lock in backwards. lol.......well dh said not to worry he would fix it.
wow.....it's the first time he & I didn't have an argument because of AD's actions.

thank u my SR friends, just needed to unload.

much love,
Chris ]]> Friends and Family of Substance Abusers Serenity Bound http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/friends-family-substance-abusers/188853-changed-locks.html http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/friends-family-substance-abusers/188842-frustrated-again.html Wed, 18 Nov 2009 21:46:53 GMT After telling me that he did not order any (I saw some sites on our computer), found out that AH placed 2 orders for pain meds online. One of these orders he placed in my name, presumably b/c he... After telling me that he did not order any (I saw some sites on our computer), found out that AH placed 2 orders for pain meds online. One of these orders he placed in my name, presumably b/c he couldn't place 2 orders under his own name. Luckily I was able to cancel the order under my name b/c they called for a verification of the medical info over the phone and clearly he could not pretend to be me.

I'm just so frustrated b/c everytime it seems like he is making any progress, it seems to be followed by several large steps back. I'm just not sure I can keep living like this, but it always seems that things will change soon. He was supposed to be starting w/ a new therapist today, but he missed that appointment b/c he is in the hospital. I was really hoping this therapist would help turn things around for him. Also, in two weeks he is supposed to go to a clinic that specializes in treating the medical conditions for which he needs (or claims to need?) the pain meds for. Really hoping that these doctors will have some answers for him and can get his condition under control.

I'm just not sure I can wait this long. And the therapist and other specialists may not have the answers, and even if they do the results won't be immediate. I'm so tired of being used and watching our money go down the drain, and I'm feeling like things may never change.

Anyway... mostly venting here. Feeling stuck and not sure what to do. I have been to a few meetings, and will keep going, but so far I'm not sure they're really for me. ]]> Friends and Family of Substance Abusers Horizon2004 http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/friends-family-substance-abusers/188842-frustrated-again.html http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/friends-family-substance-abusers/188832-holes-walls-broken-vases.html Wed, 18 Nov 2009 19:17:13 GMT I asked my son to leave yesterday and it was not pretty. For the life of me I can't understand why I cling to the romantic notion that he is still the person I used to know. Even during the past few days he had been soo loving...when he was sober. I believe he was using Xanax because each day when I returned from work he was heavy-lidded and sleeping on the couch. When he did get up he was cranky and stumbled around trying to act normal. But oh gosh... when he wasn't and we were watching tv on the couch feet to feet sharing the throw blanket, it was so good for my heart:)

But then came the the day to wake him and give him the news... it's not working, you're not keeping your end of contract, we love you, will take you to rehab, shelter or friends-your choice. I had hoped that reason would take over and he would say, "You're right, I need to go to rehab. I can't stop using even though I want to."

But instead he responded with fists and curses and a need to smash everything in sight. At this point, the brutal truth of his addiction was undeniable and I knew that I had done the right thing. This was his response in the clear light of morning with no drugs to alter his ability to respond in a reasonable manner. He was furious at me for making the choice to disengage.

Today I feel relieved but sad, but also wiser and safer and saner. Thanks for listening. ]]> Friends and Family of Substance Abusers LeeRoy http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/friends-family-substance-abusers/188832-holes-walls-broken-vases.html http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/friends-family-substance-abusers/188819-introduction.html Wed, 18 Nov 2009 16:13:49 GMT Hi SR! I've been lurking for about a year on this board and its time to introduce myself.
I'm a major codie in recovery and very much a work in progress.
I've been living with addicts all my life.
My father was a chronic alcoholic who died of the disease at 60. My husband of twenty five years died of alcoholism at 55. I'm currently living with my childhood sweetheart who is a recovering alcoholic and drug addict on the methadone program. My sister-in-law is a crack addict and I am raising her 15 year old son as she was badly neglecting him. I have two adult children of my own, a son who has severe autism and a daughter who is my best pal. She has given me two beautiful grandchildren and lives close by with her husband and family.
My nephew is doing very well with me. I strive to keep my home a calm nuturing place free of addiction drama. My recovering boyfriend is doing very well and has been on his program for two years. I just got legal custody of my nephew in a kith and kin agreement so I'm hoping things will get calmer with his mother as I can now take care of most of his needs. He's been badly damaged but remains a sweet guy and hopefully will have a good life.
This board has been a huge comfort to me. Thanks. ]]> Friends and Family of Substance Abusers ninja http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/friends-family-substance-abusers/188819-introduction.html